Change Your Image
conyo
Ratings
Most Recently Rated
Reviews
Napoleon (2023)
what a disappointment
I expected battles. Massive battles. Ingenious command. Blood, gore and cannon fire.
And what did I get? Harlequin-style romance.
Huge disappointment.
Plus, the required filler, thank the gods for new technology. A visually stunning war epic, but emotionally hollow. Joaquin Phoenix's ghostly portrayal lacks depth. Explosive battles, yet a missed opportunity for substance. Flavorless grandeur. Verdict: Spectacular but lacking heart.
And now, for a touch of levity:
Why did Napoleon refuse to play cards? Because he was afraid of getting dealt a Waterloo.
What did Napoleon say when he saw the Mona Lisa? "I've conquered bigger things."
Why did Napoleon keep his armies in his sleeve? Because he wanted to conquer the world single-handedly.
What's Napoleon's favorite dessert? Shortbread.
Hunting the Phantom (2014)
Asylum-level quality
I love sci-fi, so decided to give it a try - a lot of non-Hollywood sci-fis are kinda great. And this Kazakhi (?) feature seemed interesting.
Unfortunately, this did not hit a mark. It started rather OK, but quickly went sideways. Multiple plots, shaky camera, horrible dubbing... Even beautiful Kristianna Loken couldn't change the movie for the better. And the special defects were... not great. Asylum-level crap.
I don't think this was a low-budget production, to be honest. But, it really wasn't good. After an hour or so I started playing with the phone, reading news, checking tinder and all that.
Oh lovely Kristianna, why did you play here.
Simulant (2023)
poor man's Blade Runner
As other's say here in the comments - this movie tries to be a Blade Runner. Tries to cash in on the boom of AI and scares around it. Tries to make us think about "what makes us human, and what would be the difference to a sentient machine".
Unfortunately, it suffers from plot holes (like a policeman going for a super dangerous criminal with no backup, to name just one), suffers from low budget (albeit CGI is not too bad), and suffers from over-artism. It tried to be Blade Runner with a much worse script, and it failed.
It's not a bad movie if you're into slow, not-really-action-filled but more "brainly" and "artsy-fartsy" (and perhaps over-talked) sci-fi. I love sci-fi so I gave this 6 out of 10, but most of you will give it 4 or 5.
San ti (2023)
probably for Chinese audiences only
I love sci fi. I have not read the book, but I've heard of it.
Tried to watch this series. More - I think, after I stop fuming about it, perhaps I'll try to go back to it.
But I just can't stand it. I don't know - perhaps it's the "while male" in me speaking, but this series is just too-prolonged, too ... stupid, for its own good. I expected a thriller (like "perhaps we're going to see aliens and it's going to destroy us"), perhaps a slow thriller (it's going to take a while before we do).
But I just can't stand the 20+ minutes (episode 4 - OUT OF 30! Thirty prolonged episodes, when this should be a 2-hour-long move at best) of a main protagonist sweating, stumbling, being a toddler and basically having a constant panic attack due to (no spoilers) NOTHING OF ACTUAL IMPORTANCE (if anything, as a scientist, he should be curious - and perhaps excited and happy). But seriously, episode 4 is when I started fast-forwarding.
What a nonsense. I dunno, I watch Korean cinema and I like it. But this - this is some Chinese rubbish. Sadly.
Industry (2020)
remake of German original
This is just a remake of German original series Bad Banks. In typical modern fashion, they just had to make it more "skin-colourful" and for whatever reason made is less... real. Watch Bad Banks instead.
Mad God (2021)
a disgusting... masterpiece?
Frankly, I wasn't sure how to rate this movie.
It's... it's disturbing. And disgusting. And inducing dread. Visually really good. For a horror - yes, probably a psychodelic masterpiece.
But at the same time, it's rather boring. Took me three times to finish it (fell asleep once, switched to other movie the other time).
It has traces to all the famous movies: Metropolis, Aliens, Space Odyssey. So, pretty artsy-fartsy. But at the same time, visuals are like from a heavy metal band video, (think something akin to Necrocanibalistic Vomitorium video, band my friends had in high school), and I mean it in a best possible way. Truly unsettling.
All in all. Not sure if I can recommend this movie. If you can stomach it, if you're into visual art - yes, definitely. But if you want some action (still with dread), watch Alien instead.
Zeros and Ones (2021)
what in the world was this?
Looking at the poster and short description, I thought I'm in for a beer+movie night, something in line of Olympus Has Fallen or Jack Ryan movies - bombing, hero, action, maybe even a babe - typical "I am not really a grown man at heart" kind of movie. Boy, was I mistaken. It's some artsy-fartsy all-dark shaky-camera blurred-pics movie, with very - VERY - convoluted story. I believe it was funded by Kickstarter, and it would explain quite a bit.
Ethan Hawke makes a speech in the beginning of the movie. OK, weird. Then he makes a speach at the end of the movie, in line of "I just watched it, and you just watched it" - pauses, and they you think "he's going to say 'I have no idea what we just both watched', he's going to say it!" - but he doesn't. Pity, that'd be a masterpiece :D.
Invasion (2021)
it's not sci-fi, it's family drama
OK, I thought "finally, proper sci-fi invasion movie, with some decent actors". Guess what, decent actors get killed pretty quickly, and it becomes a new-norm woke "how will an immigrant family cope with aliens" (and aliens are not to be seen, "let's save some money on CGI, shall we").
I'm almost 50yo, born in the Iron Curtain country, and I've already had enough of shoving all this wokeness in my throat - so I do feel for my Western counterparts. (and I always wonder "how the hell did we lose the Cold War" :)
No. Just no. There's better "invasion" series out there. Check out underrated Threshold with Carla Gugini!
Bitcoin: The End of Money as We Know It (2015)
an absolute mess
I watched this movie with my gf, kind of a "so she can learn what bitcoin is about". I expected a technological documentary, full of math and visual examples. What we got was a flashy video mess, constantly changing background, irritating sounds - like it was a webpage from '90s, or a video made by 12-year-old. And there was zero (zero!) technical description about how ledger works, what miners really do - nothing.
So, if you're into "I want to learn about bitcoin" - go to the (free!) Youtube channel 3blue+1brown -- that dude is awesome at explaining sophisticated math with easy examples.
This - stay away from ... this. Bleh.
Heels (2021)
this... this is actually really good
Disclaimer: European. We mock these Amercian "staged fights". But this - this is actually good cinema. Entertaining, suspenseful, "what will happen later". Very good cast, both main actors are spot on.
I can't watch WWF or whatever - but this series - it's _good_.
The Ice Road (2021)
first half of movie is better
It actually wasn't that bad as other reviews might suggest.
First part was actually tense and entertaining - driving on creaky ice, then inevitable issues. Unfortunately, then it gets worse. I won't do any spoilers, but writers went a little ahead of themselves. It'd be much better if this movie was "drivers vs the time and environment", they didn't need to add {enter evil subplot here}.
Have a beer ready, and give it a chance.
Intergalactic (2021)
resembles the '90s...
... and not in a good way. It's bland, really boring, acting is way over the top, there's no nuance. Add wokeness and ethinicities (American Cultural Revolution 2020), and you have ... this. The only interesting person is the masked doctor -- probably because she doesn't speak nor act. Truly, Expanse nor Firefly it is not.
Schulz Saves America (2020)
what John Oliver used to be like
I'm not American, so all US-internal trouble is a bit of a poke-the-bear fun to me (especially at work, employed in "global"=US-based corporation). But I do try to keep fresh with US-affairs, mostly by watching some sort of "comedian take on ...". For years I watched John Oliver for that, but now he became less of a comedian, more of a whiny little b*. He's totally one-sided now, and not at all funny (pity). Must be his renounce of his British passport (name one better comedy than Monty Python, I dare you).
This guy - Schulz doesn't pull punches. He tells it like it is, not like CNNs (or Foxes) of this world tell you. He mocks both sides evenly. Refreshing. And does this with a speed of belt-fed machine gun - if you're not a native-speaker, get your subtitles and "pause" button ready.
He does it like Oliver did 5+ years ago, before he ... softened up. Kudos! Truly entertaining (and all the Kardashian mentions! :)
Monsters of Man (2020)
quite entertaining overall
Actually not too bad for an action movie. Sure, you'll have to suspend your disbelief a few times, and live with quite a lot of cringe ("I couldn't save them!" style), but other than that...
Premise is fresh - autonomous weapons on the battlefield. Here we have a pack of killer robots sent to Cambodian jungle for a navigation-turned-more test. Robots fortunately (for the movie) encounter some resistance, and it is decided that they have to eliminate all witnesses. Rampage starts.
Some very good FX, robots move properly unnaturally (or - "naturally" for a robot), they're actually quite scary, you know you would never want to meet them in combat. Human cast isn't so good, unfortunately. Overall, a nice break from the whole pandemic.
Lady Bloodfight (2016)
I so much wanted to like this movie :-(
The idea was there - Bloodsport but with chicks. Think of it, total man-magnet. How can it get any better? Girls. Fights. Skirts and boobs. (no explosions, mind you)
I mean - how much better can it be?
Aaaaaand it went bad, quickly. They managed to ruin it.
Fight scenes were less-than-mediocre. Random camera moves, punches with no touch-points, kicks flying in the air not connecting to anything. After watching Bloodsport you felt electrified, energized - here, you're just feeling bored. Nothing is happening, and it turns quickly to chick movie. In a bad way.
Fighting styles - totally underdeveloped. Remember that dude that fought like a matador? No such thing here. I mean, best one was that nice-dressed kicking lady (one with long sword-spear), she knew her stuff, you could feel she is a real fighter not an actress. There was a split-second glimpse of capoeira (totally hidden by main protagonist weeping into the mirror, WTF). That's pretty much it, everything else was fake.
"Weapons round" - didn't even finish (not everyone fought), and somehow "now we move to semi-finals".
And final stupidity was that last confession (no spoilers) - I mean, what was it? Who would ever do such a thing, that way? WTF?
I wish I never watched it. I knew it existed, I was content. Now I'm just disappointed.
Chick movie. What a shame.
Always Be My Maybe (2019)
one-liner review
[there's so many so sophisticated reviews here... so I thought I'll do mine Doge style]
Asian Jim. So wow. Much spectacular. Very entertain.
:-)
2067 (2020)
disappointed, not even by gaps in story - but by "emotions" of main protagonist
Could've been a nice action/mystery sci-fi (maybe not Alien, more like Stargate) - but nooo. They _had to_ make it "artistic": with over-long useless dialogues, main protagonist behaving like spoiled child, constantly moaning, crying and shouting.
Good god, how irritating his character that was, what a crybaby. I think they tried to show that he was "sensitive" and "damaged". What a waste.
There's this thing to good cinema - show, don't tell. Here, they insisted on talking. And unfortunately, that talk wasn't too great.
As for plot holes
--- SPOILER SECTION ---
1. they would create a genetic uber-bottleneck -- they're trying to send 30 people to start a new civilization; Toba theory speculates that we've had a genetic bottleneck that once in Earth's history, where (we think) between 10 to 50 thousand people survived some catastrophe globally, and we're all their descendants. but it was over 10k people that survived to repopulate the planet - not mere 30 they're trying to send to the future.
2. also, of those 30, half of chrono-colonists are of no reproductive / colony-building value anymore (age, sickness, being relatives)
3. main character is "subject 14" - what about previous 13? since they've had energy problems in 2060s we can infer they didn't try 13 times already
4. since main character was left alone in 23rd century and only he could control this end of the machine, what was the point of destroying it? he could've used it to send more plants back
Crazy credits: "no butterflies were harmed during making of this film" made me smile.
12 Hour Shift (2020)
not for a "mass viewer"
... and I think therefore I am a "mass viewer".
Lead actress (drug-ridden nurse trying to make ends meet, working in some god-forgotten hospital, in 1999) was good. But that's pretty much it.
Movie was abysmally slow, plot started interesting (ended tragifarcically) but the whole story should've been told in 30 minutes (not 90) - and don't get me started with that irritating soundtrack.
Definitely not for me. Avoid.
Pet Sematary (2019)
what's with all the "10" reviews?
If you see so many 10s being given, you instantly *know* the movie is not that good (good movies defend themselves). Here, paid cronies attacked again :(
Unfortunately, movie is pretty bland. Typical jump scares, irritating child characters. John Lithgow is a class of his own, but the rest of the cast underwhelms.
If you have nothing else to do, your Netflix account just froze up, and there's no good books around - sure, watch it. Otherwise, there's so many better things to do/read/watch instead of this.
Game of Thrones: The Last of the Starks (2019)
CDC-like view on this
OK, so other people wrote *a lot* about this episode (and build up to it). Probably "minamorgan" has the most comprehensive one.
... but somehow nobody takes a step back and asks -- what the hell happened to all the wights?
So we see thousands, probably tens of thousands - heck, maybe even a hundred thousand dead bodies moving, fighting, attacking, doing their dead-best (pun intended). Then their master dies, every body (space intended) drops like dead corpse (I need to stop now).
Imagine what happens tomorrow. Or next week. You have a depleted force, let's say one thousand (able body) men. And one hundred thousand corpses to bury. That's going to take you *months*. During that time you'd have cholera outbreak, probably way more. Burning them? Sure, but this is North, where would you get so much fuel (wood, coal, ...)
When I saw Episode 3 ending ("yay, we won"), one of my reactions were "OK, they now need to abandon their posts due to dead bodies, stench, pestilence, whole nine yards, just say 'North had to be left alone'". But noooo, the creators decided to show a burning of 100-maybe bodies? Come on!
Lucifer: Everything's Okay (2019)
paid cronies everywhere...
Unfortunately, this (and not only this) thread was hijacked by paid staffers (or maybe even unpaid interns?). This has a 9+ rating right now? Come on! 5 or 6 would be more adequate.
Also, it's hard to watch what Ms German did to her face :( I'm not sure whether it was lip-enhancement (hyaluronic acid?), or botox, or something else altogether - but unfortunately it showed, a lot. Pity, she was so beatufil when natural.
The First (2018)
expected a hard sci-fi... sigh.
I love sci-fi. I even love cheap sci-fi. All these Predators and even AvPs (OK, that one is a stretch, a reeeeeealy big stretch).
Even silly sci-fi (more "fi" than "sci", like Armegeddon) is OK.
But this? This is a family drama. FFS, for example the whole 5th episode is all about crazy people making sure real history doesn't happen. (I was going to say "crazy women" but then I would get banned these days)
The only semi-scientific episode was #2. Rest is fluff.
If you're an older man, raised on proper scifi? Avoid.
(now I'm waiting to get banned and/or downvoted - sign of times)
Superfly (2018)
what a waste of time
TL;DR version: black movie for black audiences. You know, this new kind of cinema you haven't had 20 years ago.
I'm from the old Iron Curtain country. If you don't know what that is - congratulations.
In my youth we were always looking forward to the "corrupt west" movies because they were a breath of fresh air. Some movies still are.
This one is not. It's clearly made for teenagers, "I shoot this guy, and I see this womans breasts" kind of movie. They try to make it clever. But it's just not.
Forgo this movie. Watch underappreciated "Ronin" movie. Yes, it's 20 years old - but you'll see how to make a "I want to quit" movie.
Singularity (2017)
what a waste of time
Such a disappointment. I am a fan of sci-fi movies, and here I was "wow, human vs machine apocalypse!". Boy, was I wrong. Plot has so many holes it's hard to describe, and sometimes you wonder if perhaps the editing moved scenes around (so ending scenes are in the middle of the movie etc). Lines are cliché ("you have to let me go" and such). Acting is sub-par (main character only uses two facial expressions - normal face and bulging eyes face). It steals ideas/images from other movies (octopus-like machines from Matrix; girl with a bow from Mockingjay series - yes, there are even birds here; the whole Terminator premise; bits of Mad Max wildlings). Also, as other mentioned, 97 years after the annihilation you still see crop fields, used rail tracks, clean paths through parks. And this student-project B-or-lower movie gets 8 out of 10 here? Don't waste your time on this one.
Bad Moms (2016)
review written by a man
OK, I have to admit from the very beginning: I'm not a dad, kids are a thing I avoid. Call me a shovinistic pig. Or swine. Or whatnot. But the sheer amount of {1..4} votes did put me off balance. This movie just doesn't deserve it. People, don't assume movie is about you! (this is to all "perfect mums" out there). Chill the f out.
I never assumed this movie is about "how can we solve a real problem of parents pushing their agenda into their kids life" (which becomes pretty much a world-standard, "which school will you attend, what extracircular activities you have to do" and so on). I kinda assumed this is girly version of "Hangover". I watched the movie because I wanted to see if/how great actresses have fun making it (and yes, you can see it happening).
Was it cheesy? Yes. Was it predictable? Yes. Was it a feel-good movie? Yes. Most importantly - was it a one-of-a-kind? Yes.
6/10 from me, definitely. Was going for 7, but too much cheesiness. If they went "Ted" way I'd probably give 8! (kudos for Ms Kahn)