ewiep Reviews

The Way (II) (2024)

A truly abysmal piece of television

[1/10 · 5 March 2024]

I've been watching TV for 55+ years and I can safely say that this was one of the worst drama series I have ever seen. The plot was preposterous - there's no other word for it, I'm afraid. The dialogue was absolutely ram-packed full of clichés, and repetitive, and boring, and there are endless family screaming matches that lead nowhere. The scriptwriters' sense of geography is seriously lacking (Cheltenham to Sussex/Kent by canal boat and on foot IN A DAY? - do me a favour). It paints the English as a bunch of smug, brutish, spouse-swapping toffs. What's more it portrays the Welsh as either bolshy, hysterical (old sense), mawkish, history-obsessed, or all of the above. It posits that there's some kind of ongoing 'war' between the English and the Welsh - which there isn't - and that the two nations are as different as, say, Zulus and Cherokees - which they aren't. It contains a villain ('the Welsh Catcher' - I'm not making this up) who isn't just 'modelled on' the Child Catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang - he's a direct plagiarism: he even has a truck with a big cage on the back. (I repeat: I'm not making this up.) Well, I could go on and on and on, but I won't. I'll just finish by saying that half an hour before it was due to end, when the 'refugee' family were just about to 'make the perilous crossing to France in a small boat' to escape ... erm ... whatever it was they were fleeing from - at that point I turned to my partner and said, "Do you know what I wish for? - I genuinely hope that their boat capsizes and every single one of them drowns." (Yes, I know that wasn't very nice of me, but hey, they were just atrocious fictional characters.) Sadly only one of them drowned, in one of the most idiotic and melodramatic suicides ever put to film.*

*And then, to cap it all, (and I repeat it again: I'm NOT making this up) his corpse washes up THE VERY NEXT DAY on THE VERY SAME BEACH he set out from.

Wolf (2023)

What a yawn

[1/10 · 2 August 2023]

After an hour and a bit of this I decided that I didn't have enough energy in me to watch another five hours featuring a pair of sadists (both of them over-acted terribly) doing their thang on a trio of bourgeois folk (all three poorly acted and feeling as if they'd never even met, let alone been a family for 25 years) who I couldn't care less about while an implausible detective (boringly acted) fannied about doing whatever it was he was doing in a separate plotline which might or might not have been connected in an interesting way.

On top of all the atrocious acting was the fact that the two plotlines were staggered in time ... or at least I THINK they were ... it was confusing, anyway.

But I mostly gave up on it because it was just plain tedious.

Out of Blue (2018)

HoHum

[2/10 · 16 July 2021]

An hour-and-a-half-long dollop of inconsequential piffle. I don't mind the occasional pretentious film, me, and I persevered with this one in the hope that it would, at least, have a satisfactory conclusion. It didn't. Avoid.

Action Team (2018)

Atrocious

[1/10 · 30 May 2021]

I watched the first episode of this, having been led to believe it was comedy. In the event it was about as funny as falling down a long flight of concrete steps.

Glue (2014)

*unclassified*

[9 May 2021]

Unclassified because I didn't make it past the first episode, which featured a lot of thoroughly dislikeable, annoying, and implausible brats. In fact the whole thing was implausible and unpleasant.

Benjamin (II) (2018)

Millennial narcissism

[3/10 · 15 February 2021]

Do you miss those Woody Allen films which were all about short, middle-aged, Jewish, socially awkward, bespectacled film-makers? Well, 'Benjamin' is the film for you. Not so much introspective as downright narcissistic. And, for some reason, I'm just not a great fan of narcissism.

The Bridge (I) (2020– )

A bridge to nowhere

[1/10 · 3 November 2020]

After the unmitigated disaster of Eden (2016), Channel 4's last great wilderness-challenge-slash-social-experiment-slash-reality-show, I suppose we ought to have known that merely adding a grab-the-cash element would only make The Bridge worse rather than better. And it didn't disappoint in that regard. The Bridge was yet another dollop of dull, dishonest, unutterably futile rubbish - quintessential Channel 4 viewing, in fact.

The Sister (2020)

Truly atrocious

[1/10 · 2 November 2020]

A truly atrocious piece of writing - utter nonsense from start to finish, with more plot holes and illogicalities than your average Transformers movie. Tovey played the whole thing like an idiot on Mogadon. Avoid at all costs.

The Mummy (2017)

Grow up, Cruise

[1/10 · 1 May 2020]

It would probably have been a lot quicker - and certainly a lot more enjoyable - to watch Universal Pictures flushing $125,000,000 directly down the toilet. A truly atrocious film, in every respect.

American Monster: The Last Broadcast (2017) Season 2, Episode 5

Jeez

[1/10 · 13 April 2020]

Easily the dullest hour of television I've ever seen: the story was dull, the victim was dull, the witnesses were dull, the investigating police were dull, the crime was dull, the production was dull, even the supposed monster was dull. All in all, pretty dull.

The Small Hand (Ghost Story) (2019)

Don't bother

[2/10 · 26 December 2019]

A dull and improbable story, told in a plodding and predictable manner.

Gold Digger (2019)

Don't be fooled into thinking this is a thriller ...

[2/10 · 18 December 2019]

... because it's nothing of the kind. It's just a long and pretty dull domestic drama about posh people you don't care about, with a fairly preposterous central premise. Richard Curtis without the jokes.

The War of the Worlds (2019)

A brilliant example ...

[1/10 · 2 December 2019]

Of how not to create a TV drama. I'm almost tempted to rate it '10' for having taken such an exciting idea - what could be more exciting than a war between two worlds? - and so skilfully turned it into a spectacularly boring and turgid turd. But no, it's getting the '1' in truly deserves.

Attack of the Herbals (2011)

Atrocious

[1/10 · 25 October 2019]

Utterly atrocious by any reasonable standard. Apparently my review is too short but as no more needs to be said, I'll just have to add this pointless sentence.

Years and Years (2019)

Bloody awful

[1/10 · 19 June 2019]

Thoroughly loathsome 'characters'. Unconvincing dialogue. Inept plotting. Boring sententious speeches. Overacting. Improbable technojunk. People who never age or change or mature in any way. Kids who never speak. And to top it off, one of the very feeblest - and most garbled - endings to a series that I've ever seen. The whole thing was just bloody awful: a supremely poor piece of writing. Russell T. Davies a genius? - do me a favour.

Dark by Noon (2013)

Hateful

[1/10 · 3 May 2019]

We don't get enough made-in-Ireland sci-fi ... but, having seen this, I hope we never get any more. My partner declared this "the worst film I've ever seen"; it would definitely feature in my Top 10 or even Top 5. The only likeable thing about this atrocious turkey is that it's fairly short, about 90 minutes. Other than that it's simply hateful in every respect, from the utter incomprehensibility of it all, to the unprepossessing and unsympathetic leading-man, who was in virtually every shot. I got this DVD in a bargain-bucket in my local supermarket (repackaged as 'Earth Apocalypse'); I wish I'd left it there.

Killing Eve (2018–2022)

A very typically 21st-century product

[1/10 · 3 November 2018]

Trite, flash, hollow, at least 50% nonsensical, with a trio of loathsome lead characters, and a climax which defies description, Killing Eve is a typical product of the 21st century. And do you know what the worst ofit is? - the infuriating mix of grisly, casual murder and (Gaaaaaaahhh!!!!!!!) 'quirky' humour ..... SPARE US!!

Strangers (I) (2018)

Elephantine

[2/10 · 30 October 2018]

The whole of 'Strangers' (what's with this 'White Dragon' thing?) could have been told in two brisk hours rather than eight elephantine ones. My Partner and I have decided that if in future we're bored rigid with a thriller after two episodes we won't, like idiots, suffer through the whole thing in hopes that something good might happen-we'll just give up. We really wish we'd given up on this.

Black Panther (2018)

Oh dear

[2/10 · 3 October 2018]

My biggest problem with 'Black Panther' is that it's far far FAR too long and very very VERY boring.

Troy: Fall of a City (2018– )

Let's hope the real Trojan Wars weren't as boring as this

[2/10 · 9 April 2018]

Like other reviewers of this series, I didn't especially mind the weird casting or the fact that it was full of 'factual' errors. No. What I objected to was that it was all so boring: the script was boring; the acting was boring; even the battle and fight scenes somehow managed to be boring; an air of boredom lay over the whole thing ... yes, I watched the whole thing, desperately wanting it to improve. It never did.

Requiem (2018)

Absolutely atrocious

[1/10 · 11 March 2018]

A truly atrocious script: meretricious, boring, repetitive, chock-full of clichés, and so riddled with holes that it would've made a good sieve. I wouldn't have minded so much if I'd believed that the scriptwriters actually knew what they were doing, what they were talking about, where it was all leading, what it all meant. From episode 2 or 3 it was plain that they obviously didn't.

Oh and another thing: I NEVER want to see a pale blue coat ever again.

Top of the Lake (2013–2017)

Don't bother

[1/10 · 1 September 2017]

Having now watched the whole of Season 2 of Top of the Lake, I'd like those six hours of my life back, please. All the characters are vile lowlifes, psychos, weirdos, shrews, macho meat-heads, liars, spineless liberals, nerds, morons, corrupt, or combinations of these. The plot — what there is of it — feels like a bad, boring nightmare: it makes little and often no sense. The ending is pathetic and ludicrous, and simply left me wishing I'd never bothered. If you want a sharp, meaningful, realistic drama, don't bother with it.

To Walk Invisible: The Brontë Sisters (2016 TV Movie)

Very highly recommended

[9/10 · 26 February 2017]

Having been something of a Bronte-nut for the best part of 40 years, I looked forward to this ... but, having also seen most of the unutterable balls-ups made of the family's works and lives on film and television, the anticipation was mixed with a lot of trepidation. I needn't have worried. As other reviewers have said, this was almost certainly the best portrayal of the Brontes' lives that's ever been made. The three actresses who played the sisters were excellently cast; the chap who played Branwell was also very good, just managing to make the man appear pathetic rather than ridiculous; Jonathan Pryce's Irish accent may have slipped occasionally but this is a quibble. Of course, shooting the film at Haworth Parsonage gave the whole thing an unprecedented air of authenticity. All in all, a fairly superb piece of scriptwriting and film-making --- no genuine fan of the Brontes should be at all disappointed by it.

Okay, so here's the but, the reason I scored it 9 rather than 10. Firstly, I could've lived with a bit less of the Branwell story (compelling 'car crash' stuff though it is) and more on the sisters: the rather lopsided emphasis on the brother somewhat diminished and seemed to overshadow the lives of Charlotte, Emily and Anne. And finally: I really didn't need a tour of the Haworth Parsonage Museum Gift Shop tacked on the bloody end!!!!! --- I presume the film-makers were contractually obliged to do this in exchange for permission to film in the parsonage.

Humans (2015–2018)

I can't believe I actually sat through all 400 episodes ...

[2/10 · 3 August 2015]

... well, it certainly FELT LIKE 400. I take my hat off to Channel 4 for taking such a potentially interesting — and, like it or not, important — subject and making 336 minutes of painfully dull television from it. The plot was dull: basically a bunch of dull and not-very-likable humans bickering endlessly, intercut with a bunch of dull and not-very-likable synths running around and hiding. The script was dull, hackneyed and cliché-ridden, as well as being full of colossal holes and WTFs. The acting was lacklustre (even William Hurt phoned his performance in), flat, dull, and at times pretty amateurish. The supposedly sentient synths were as dull as the non-sentient ones, who were as dull as the humans. The last 2-3 episodes, by which time I was really only watching it out of habit, made precious little sense. All in all: dull. (I believe I may have mentioned that once or twice already ...)

Bathory: Countess of Blood (2008)

A bloody mess

[3/10 · 15 August 2014]

A long, rambling, shambling, doddering, staggering chaos of a film, blighted by (amongst other things): (1) impenetrable Middle European accents, most of them genuine but three put on ~ by Miss Friel, her husband, and her lover; (2) a narrative style that was very much like listening to a boring drunk recounting a shaggy dog story; (3) a schizoid attitude toward the countess herself ~ ambiguity is all very well, but to switch sides several times in the course of one story just makes the storyteller appear 'flakey'; (4) a sub-plot about two spying monks which ... well, which beggared description in its absurdity; (5) visual imagery and editing which frequently resembled pop videos; (6) so on and so forth.