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Chloe1251
Reviews
Total Recall (2012)
Amazing, for all the wrong reasons.
The CGI was amazing, but even more amazing is that this remake of the 1990 Total Recall managed to strip every quirky, clever, engaging and fun feature from the original. I watched this against my better judgement, thinking it might, at worst, be some mindless fun. How wrong I was! Not fun or enjoyable in any way. Run, chase, gunfights, explosions, run some more, more chasing, more gunfights until I nearly screamed "WHEN will it END?" Making a non-stop action movie boring is quite an accomplishment, and not only boring but stupid. An entire army of human and robotic cops can't get ONE accurate shot off? Quaid, virtually unarmed, can easily kill 10 cops in a few minutes, but can't overpower or kill a skinny little lady like Kate Beckinsdale, neither with weapons nor in hand-to-hand combat? Granted, she's been turned into a cross between the Terminator and a Ninja here, but still... This movie is nothing but one frantic, humourless, dreary, CGI-heavy marathon. I didn't care about anyone in it because no one had one spark of identifiable humanity. They were just running, jumping and fighting machines. In the original, we CARED what happened to Quaid and Melina because they actually had conversations in which we got to know them a bit as human beings. What happened to Mars? To the kinky mutant bar? To the Johnny Cab, fer cryin' out loud? OH, and there were rip-offs from The Fifth Element and I,Robot.
The Walking Dead (2010)
This makes zombies boring
When I saw the ads for this series, I perked up, thinking that maybe not everything on television is regurgitated, vulgar, idiotic crap. The first show was not bad, although it was nothing original. It had genuine tension and horror..well, except for the part where the police officers are dumb enough to turn their backs to have a chitchat after a shootout and without bothering to take a minute to check that the criminals were actually dead. Anyway, that could be overlooked, I guess. What followed could not. You're trapped in a department store with large numbers of zombies beating on the plate glass window mere feet away from you. What do you do? Apparently, you leisurely shop for jewelry for your sister's birthday, and ponder if it would still be stealing if you take the jewelry and don't pay for it, what with the zombie apocalypse and all..
The world as you've known it is gone, all is lost and you don't know if today will be your last. So what the is primary concern of the group who has managed to find refuge on an idyllic farm which seems to have some kind of force field that keeps zombies away? The deputy's wife is pregnant! She pouts and whines while the others, especially Dale, the hat wearing older man who is an endless fount of homespun wisdom, kindness and altruism, drop words of comfort and concern. I'm sure this subject would consume all the people who have lost everything, including family members.
And if I never hear the name "Sophia" again it will be too soon. I'm sure it's perfectly reasonable to assume that a child lost in the woods for 9 days with zombies abounding will be found perfectly safe and healthy.
OH, and if you ever find a live zombie in your well, don't shoot it then lower someone like Glen, that innocent paragon of virtue who has no human faults at all, in to attach a rope and drag it out. No, lower a person on a rope down to be BAIT, although I still haven't figured out the purpose of that, except to try and inject some life or suspense into this boring drivel. It didn't work.
10,000 BC (2008)
Oh dear..
I really wanted to like this movie. I heard it was cheesy and dumb, but it sounded like just the type of movie that I wanted one freezing Saturday night. With popcorn at hand, the opening had me anticipating a fun, exciting romp filled with prehistoric beasts and lots of action.
The stunning vistas and mammoth herd was very impressive, but then all went downhill. Okay, so I caught on pretty quickly this was not to be historically accurate, but a sort of nonsensical fantasy. The hero and his chick appear to be Caucasian, yet other members of his tribe are Asian, Amerind or Eskimo, but they all speak modern English with what sounds like a Middle Eastern accent....I'm not sure which, but I decided that could be ignored as I just wanted to be mindlessly entertained. I was not.
A movie with a hackneyed plot and lousy acting needs lots of exciting action and thrills, but this film is utterly boring and the few prehistoric beasts seen, with the exception of the mammoths (desert mammoths!), were embarrassingly poor, particularly the Sabretooth cat.
I wandered off with 40 minutes left to go, so maybe it improved near the end. I don't care to find out.
Really, you're better off watching the TV series "Prehistoric Park" or "Walking with Prehistoric Beasts". They're much more interesting and exciting, and the action and CGI are vastly superior.
Epic Movie (2007)
What to say about this mess?
I knew nothing of this movie before catching it while channel surfing. When I saw that Jennifer Coolidge and Fred Willard were in it, I was eagerly anticipating another brilliant comedy along the lines of Best in Show, or Waiting for Guffman. Jennifer, Fred - WHY did you do this? I won't elaborate on what everyone else has said about this garbage, except I must wonder: WHO was it made for? Not children, considering how many unfunny, vulgar potty jokes and sleezy sexual gags are in it. It couldn't be made for adults, since any reasonable adult would turn it off in disgust after 10 minutes. I'm not easily offended and usually really like spoofs and silly, juvenile humour. I laughed my fool head off at Naked Gun, Airplane, Dumb & Dumber, Hot Shots! and others in that vein, but the difference is that they're FUNNY.
I thought I had seen the worst movie ever when I watched the Wicker Man last week. Wrong! Epic Movie hits lows never before seen. In comparison, The Wicker Man is Oscar worthy, and it was a million times funnier.
If badly done, crude gags about pustule popping, testicle smashing, vomit and poo/pee make you laugh, this is the movie for you. If not, don't see it, not even for free. Whatever you do, do not pay to see this or you'll want cut your throat afterward. Ick.
Since I can't give it a minus or even zero, I give it 1*, but it doesn't deserve it.
To Catch a Killer (1992)
This one will stay with you.
I think this movie should have been made for the big screen and not TV.
Brian Dennehy gives one of the most electrifying and chilling performances I've ever seen, as serial killer John Wayne Gacy. His facial expressions, threatening demeanor and aura of pure evil are much more shocking, creepy and frightening than buckets of blood and graphic violence would have been.
This movie is driven on suspense, which is saying a lot, considering most viewers already knew the outcome of the story beforehand.
This is a thriller in every sense,way scarier than many recent so-called "horror" movies released, and does it all without CGI, gore, cheap shock elements,or foul language.
The Day After Tomorrow (2004)
Very disappointing
Don't get me wrong - I love spectacular special effects as much as anyone, and the effects in this movie ARE spectacular, particularly the flooding of New York City. However, to judge the overall quality of this film, try and imagine watching it without those CGI eye-popping scenes.
What would be left that is worth watching? Nothing more than you can see on any "Movie of the Week". Trite and tired story line, boring and unsympathetic characters, ludicrous situations and improbable (if not impossible)plot developments.
Sadly, this is the case with most disaster films. CGI is totally replacing plot, dialogue, and acting and someone thinks we're too stupid to notice! It's really too bad, since the idea of a new Ice Age (or massive volcano etc.) is interesting and the movie could have been really gripping and frightening, but instead it was another formulaic, predictable and yawn-inducing bore. The first half, which contains all the best effects and the tightest action isn't bad and you almost don't notice that the characters are one-dimensional, except for Ian Holmes whose performance is believable and moving, but short-lived.
If you really want to see it, watch until Dennis Quaid drags out his arctic gear for his ridiculous and pointless trek to New York, then hit the "Eject" button.
The Deliberate Stranger (1986)
A chilling story, brilliantly told
For anyone who has not seen "The Deliberate Stranger", it's well worth your while to catch it. Mark Harmon gives the performance of his career as the intelligent, handsome, charming, violent and murderous psychopathic serial killer, Ted Bundy, who left a trail of dead bodies across the USA.
I give high marks to the film for managing to make it gripping and horrifying while being unable (due to this being made for TV)to show or discuss the graphic and horrendous details of the murders themselves. It would have been easy to make this movie way more sensationalistic, considering the number of victims. Thankfully for families of the victims, great restraint was shown in that department.
This movie is best watched after reading the very well done book by the same name, written by Richard L. Larsen who explains the meaning of the title.
Great movie, but don't watch it if you're alone at night!
Van Helsing (2004)
Nearly unwatchable
I had never heard of this movie, but the plot summary sounded intriguing and I decided to try it, since I grew up watching and loving movie monsters.
It's incredible that a story containing werewolves, Dracula, Frankenstein's monster etc. could actually be made to be B-O-R-I-N-G.
From Kate Beckinsdale's atrocious accent to an overdone Mr.Hyde (when did Mr.Hyde become a cross between Mighty Joe Young and the Incredible Hulk??) all backed by constant explosions and annoying noise, this movie has no redeeming values.
I love CGI, but not when it's the only premise of a film, and is used in place of plot and character development.
I tried twice to watch this movie, thinking perhaps I was being overly critical. I wasn't, and gave up both times. It reminded me way too much of The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, and that frightened me enough to make me grab the remote and end it all!
In Pursuit of Honor (1995)
This movie has stayed with me..
I love horses, but would still enjoy this movie even if I didn't! The story of the resurrection and redemption of a disillusioned, bitter man, and the effort made to save these beautiful animals is deeply moving, without being sappy in the least.
I'm not a Don Johnson fan, but feel he gave a tremendous performance in this film, possibly the best of his career.
Although this is quite a simple story but it's not an easy movie to watch, particularly for someone like me who abhors depictions of any brutality towards animals. I admit I sobbed through most of it, but it's well worth the Kleenex! This is an underrated film that really deserves viewing.