Cuclean Reviews

Shrooms (2007)

Utter muck

[1/10 · 26 November 2007]

This was the surprise film at the Dublin Horrorthon this year and let's just say it was only surprising in that this is all that can be made of horror in Ireland. Firstly, the writer of the film must never have taken mushrooms in his or her life as during one "sex scene" the two unsuspecting teens take mushrooms and proceed to have sex, a noise outside is heard and they chalk it up to it being the "shrooms" taking effect. I understand that it was their first time taking them so that's the writing leeway that they allowed but there is a big difference in taking mushrooms where your entire physical senses are changed and thinking you heard a twig snapping.

The only idea of mushrooms that stays with the "plot" after the first forty minutes is the supposed special black headed mushrooms our heroine takes that allows her to see into the future. Boll**ks, I expected the idea of how messed up it would be to have a killer chasing you wile on mushrooms to be the basis of the plot, but aghast no! They don't need an interesting plot when you can just bash together some loud noises to try and scare the audience every two minutes.

The main character spends twenty minutes of the film walking around an insane asylum with an axe, that's not an exaggeration. Twenty bloody minutes with nothing happening. There were literally people talking amongst themselves in the audience through sheer boredom.

The film has one redeeming feature, and that is the appearance of Don Wycherley and Sean McGinley as the two hicks. I'm Irish and personally have no problem with someone creating a stereotype of us from time to time and I think the exaggerated acting was a welcome relief. No one complained when there were extreme freak rednecks in the likes of Texas chainsaw Massacre or Wrong Turn and considering I believe there are people in this country who still believe in "the banshee", fairy rings and other such insane Carroll's Irish Gift Store endorsed ideas, that it is entirely appropriate to enhance this image into that of the drooling country freak. We've all met at least one, come on, don't deny it.

To sum up, this film is in a word, bollo**s. Sorry to use the inarticulate "foul" language and constant air quotes but there's nothing else to go by with this one. It's the greatest waste of money. Take a hint producers, next time you want to give a new starter a chance in the business, make sure the script isn't the largest pile of cow dung to come out since, well, hell I'll just say it, The Roost. Hang on.... cow dung.... maybe that's where.......?

The Roost (2005)

Dear Lord... This was a movie?

[1/10 · 6 December 2005]

I was at the final day of the Horrorthon Festival in Dublin this year when I saw what was in my mind the worst film of all time. I always make an effort to stay until the end of a film to give it all the chances it can get. However, when I walked out of "The Roost", I felt completely certain that nothing that it could have done would have saved it from the train wreak that I had watched up to that point.

I am a huge fan of B-movie horror so it wasn't a case of me not getting the film... I got it... but it was the deep deep flaws that caused me to hate this film. The opening had potential, I liked the idea of the "old school" narrator and got a bit of a "Terrorvision"/"Fright Night" vibe from it. This is where my interest in the film stopped. The storyline was convoluted and had no actual purpose. The acting was some of the worst I have ever seen put onto film. I didn't give a damn what happened to the characters and if they had dropped dead at some point from some random disease, I would have left happy because I wouldn't have had another 30 minutes of my life taken from me. The direction in The Roost is laughable, the director must have literally just pointed at the actors and just said " just read the words on the page guys!". The editing is sloppy and sometimes continuity goes off to the land of Oz.

Having said this there was one redeemable feature to paying to see this film. I saw how not to make a film. Utterly terrible. Don't waste your time on this film unless you're some sort of masochist. I honest felt like getting a lobotomy to forget this film ever came near me. The stinker of Horror movies. Avoid at all costs.

Cannibal Holocaust (1980)

Cannibal Holocaust

[9/10 · 23 February 2005]

I feel that this film may not be the best one ever made, in fact it's flawed at times. However,in it's complete uncut form it remains to be one of the most disturbing and shocking horrors I have ever seen. Although the depictions of animal cruelty are disturbing and sadly genuine, it still remains as a horrific element of a horrific film. Although I think that cruelty to animals is wrong, I put this aside while watching the film and concentrated on the affect that the director had in mind.

Before seeing the film, I had been warned by numerous people that no matter how much I was sure I knew what I was in for, I still was going to be horrified. The opposite was the case when the opening credits rolled. The "Different Strokes" style opening music (don't ask, it's just what it reminded me of) got me in a good mood and I found the opening to be rather slow. Things naturally changed. This film isn't notorious for nothing!

I don't wish to harp on about the different scenes of depravity and animal slaughter but it's necessary if one needs to see why director Ruggero Deodato decided to make his slaughter-fest in such a way. Why would a movie be made with such emphasis on the close up on the genuine dissection of an animal? In my mind it is the point of view that we are being shown that is relevant to the statement of the film. There is the obvious idea that the real monsters in the film are not the cannibal's but the filmmakers who rape and murder their way through the jungle, but one needs to look at what we are actually watching. It is the footage found of the filmmakers, therefore it is what they themselves thought would be the most interesting footage. I don't feel that the film is as horrific as the levels to which a human being can stoop for their own personal gain. This is the core of the film shock factor in my mind.

The music although very dated, strikes a chord (No pun intended). The eerie eighties screeching synthesiser makes the images seem more horrifying as it is an inescapable atmosphere that the music wraps you in. The music during the most graphic scenes is a repeat from earlier in the film, it is the overture so to speak, and the repetition reminded me of a time less than a few short minutes ago where I was safely watching a normal gore-fest and had since then been thrown into this mad world of hedonism and evil.

What was most unusual about my experience with Deodato's Holocaust, as it may be with yours' is that it took me some time to realize what I had just watched. Normally a film stays with you for some time, and this is no exception, but I walked out of the theatre knowing that I had just finished watching one of the sickest things ever, but it took time for the images to sink in. A few hours later, I felt exhausted, as if I had been on some odyssey of exploitation. Even for those of you who think your hardcore just remember, You have been warned.