hovey1908 Reviews

Bratz (2007)

Now I know what is being shown at Guantanamo

[1/10 · 4 January 2008]

I have fortunately never been diagnosed with a terminal disease but I would imagine the shock of such an announcement would be on par with watching this movie. First off, the cast has the same racial make up as USA for Africa with a Latino girl hanging out with an Asian girl, a black girl, and what I originally thought was some lost member of the Russian Aristocricy but ended up being poor even though she had a huge house and her introduction to the movie dealt w/ her enormous shoe collection: funny, a movie that tries to break down walls still has plenty of stereotypes. Example, the Latino girl lives in a house with 674 people and one car, the Asian girl is good at math, and the black girl's parents are divorced.

These girls are ripped apart by some bizarre social system whereby everybody gets placed in a group like it's Red China. This system is created by a girl who never seems to graduate. There is a sequence where the movie fast-forwards by two-years and this girl is still the president of the student body and running the school like the Gestapo. Merideth, the girl in question, is easily the worst character in motion picture history. Steve Buschemi in Airheads is Jimmy Stewart by comparison. Furthermore, unlike most movie that do not make your eyes bleed, this girl who spends 100 minutes raping the soul does not even get her comeuppance. Like if Michael Vick was named chairman of PETA. The characters are, sadly, only part of the problem. Saying the whole portions of this movie are unwatchable is untrue, b/c that would imply that some parts of the movie are. From start to finish, Bratz is a step by step instructional manual on how-to-whore-out-your daughters, but keep them passionate about friendship. Several scenes in particular are horrendous: like a Super Sweet 16 party equipped with an elephant that is so mind-numbingly retarded that I was sent into anaphalectic shock and needed as epi-pen to be revived. Finally, the real atrocity in the Killing Fields that is Bratz is its includence of one Jon Voight. Before I had defined the lengths people would go to pay off gambling debt or meet the daily "fix" by referencing Kenneth Branaugh as Dr. Arlis Lovalce in Wild Wild West. No longer. Jon Voight is so ridiculous in this movie that you have to wonder if the producers had kidnapped his wife and blackmailed him. First off, they try to sneak his name in the credits so unless you are paying attention you don't even know its him. Next they disguised him as if he were snitching on the mob, complete with chotch mustache which only ups his creepy factor b/c he is constaly checking out the Benaton Ad that are the main characters. In Brief, theologists have their work cut-out for them since they have to explain how any higher power could have allowed Bratz. Even non-sentient beings will be driven insane. Keep the dog away from chocolate while it's on. Terrorist you have been warned.

Starship Troopers 2: Hero of the Federation (2004 Video)

Would you like to know more

[23 January 2005]

Not since Adonal Foyle has 6 million dollars been more wasted. I generally sit through an entire movie no matter how terrible: see Mr. Wrong, but this movie pushed me to the breaking point. I fully understand that "we're in it for the species" and with the amount of fornicating in this film procreation seemed mandatory but the mobile infantry has to be good for more then just this. What would Rico think? I'm only glad that Flores and Lt. Ratjack didn't live to see this abomination. Starship Troopers 2 is a Species meets a massive pile of elephant crap. Every soldier is infected w/ a parasite and apparently the only method by which the parasite is transfered is w/ gratuitous sex scenes. I emplore the Federation to go back to Planet P, use Neil Patrick Harris to find the brain, and end this before we are cursed w/ Starshp Troopers 3. Please if you value your time and sanity avoid Starship Troopers 2 at all cost for watching the entire movie will leave you feeling like the enson from the SS Roger Miller after his encounter w/ a brain.

The Cookout (2004)

An Affirmation of one Hell of a Career

[10/10 · 20 January 2005]

I had very high hopes for The Cookout. I fancy myself a conesiuer of urban comedies. This movie was a triumph on par with Soul Plan and Breakin' All the Rules. It had everything you'd expect from a comedic genre that makes getting out of bed in the morning all the easier. From stereotypes to musical interludes by Kool and the Gang and Lakeside, The Cookout is a tour de force. Finally, I have followed the career of one of Hollywood's brightest stars Danny Glover. I've seen Predator 2 and Operation Dunbo Drop and was entirely aware of how multi talented Mr. Glover was, but like a fine bottle of Mad Dog 20/20 Mr. Gover has only gotten better with age. Danny Glover plays a well-to-do public servant who attains the paragon of a black man's fantasies, marrying a white women, Farrah Fawcet (you may remember her from the JTT classic Man of the House). Glover truly is the personifaction of the oreos he so loves snacking on in the movie. However, his urban roots are soon replanted and a new, better, And 1 mix tape Danny Glover is born. A truly gifted actor portraying a truly inspired role. I encourage anyone to treat themselves to a ninety minutes of pure bliss and watch The Cookout.