dore-jeff Reviews

Silent Hill: Ascension (2023– )

The Real Horror is the Money Grubbing Off the SH Corpse.

[26 December 2023]

Man, where to start? The first thing that stood out to me was the writing felt like it was written by very earnest teens in a Spooky Story Club or something. 100% dumb tropes, disjointed (in a BAD way) dialogue, just really awful and a lot of it was extremely uninteresting.

Uninteresting? Yes, it was more interesting to try and figure out why a majority of the voice acting was so over-the-top terrible. The pacing was off, the voicework was either deadpan or emotionally out of place for no real reason. At one point a girl just found out her Grandma died and is trying to ask her Grandad if he killed her Granny, and she put about as much emotion into it as if she were asking someone to pass the salt.

Oh, don't worry, that wasn't a spoiler or anything, because the entire show is such a disjointed toilet mess you really won't CARE what's going on about 15 -30 minutes in when you realize you are only sticking around to see just how bad the show will actually get.

Even if this were a traditional Console or PC game, the voice acting and jank story and writing would have resulted in negative reviews, even in a day and age where Retro is cool again. Just like tank controls, this Show or Game or whatever it's trying to be should have been left as what it was: a really, really bad idea.

Onyx the Fortuitous and the Talisman of Souls (2023)

Everything about this movie is 10/10, except the main character.

[22 November 2023]

Really, really liked this movie so it's weird for me to say this but if the main character "Onyx" had not been a thing, or been played by someone else, this movie would have been a solid 10 for me.

It's just great. Great characters (except of course the main guy), great sets, great practical effects, lots of great one liners and visual effects, great music and a solid call back to the old 80s cheesy horror movies.

I had no idea who Andrew Bowser was before I saw this film, or any of the backstory behind the Kickstarter, I came across this movie kind of like grabbing a movie off the shelf at the old mom & Pop video store, it had a cool poster so I checked it out.

If you are an actual fan of Andrew Bowser and are familiar with his work, this movie is probably going to be amazing for you. If you are going in blind, or are reading this review, I would say YES watch this movie if you are into 80's Horror Cheese, the main dude was a downer for me but that's obviously just my opinion. The movie is fun and worth a watch!

Elevator Game (2023)

Two Stars because technically, it was a movie.

[16 September 2023]

Another unimaginative, sub-mid shovel-ware movie. Nothing really stands out, the acting was lethargic and absolutely nothing stood. This is the kind of movie you throw out when you are vacuuming and folding laundry. That's probably the best thing I can say about it.

This movie feels like another low-effort offering for 12 to 14 year olds that want to get into Horror movies and this movie will gently hold their hand and ease them into things. The antagonist is simply called "The 5th Floor Woman", and that's fine. I didn't really care to invest enough brain cells thinking too hard about how this movie pandered to kids who think the Back Rooms or Slenderman are scary.

I call this kind of offering "Sesame Street Horror" because it basically spoon feeds you mild jump scares for an hour and a half.

Offseason (2021)

Not "Slow Burn", more like "so boring".

[7 August 2022]

There is no cosmic dread, no real plot, no real anything except some very boring and unlikeable characters talking while looking directly into a camera.

This is basically what you would get if you gave someone $400, an old camera, and a fog machine and asked them to make a "spooky movie".

The Deep Ones (2020)

Horrible and boring.

[5 August 2021]

Badly written, badly acted, you name it and its bad in this movie. At some point during the filming I feel like someone would have raised the point that this movie was on-fire garbage and that all production should be stopped and all work prints destroyed for the good of humanity. Nope.

If you have a toilet, watch it flush for an hour and a half and you will come away with the exact same experience as this awful, awful film.