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mochipants
Reviews
Dream Girl (2016)
Been six years, and still no conclusion.
I sat through 22 long, painful minutes of nothing, only to be rewarded with....even more nothing. There's no real ending here, only a black screen with "part 1" on it. No resolution, no information about the titular "dream girl" Nora, NOTHING. It's now been six years, and still there's no conclusion to the story. It's clear by now there never will. Don't waste your time like I did.
Ok, time for spoiler territory.
Alexander, the main lead, leads a boring life. There's some sort of hint that he's reluctant to date ever again cuz one time ago he got his heart broken. Oh, also he avoids his family and is an architect. Sounds like a really exciting guy, not at all boring!
So the gets this thing that's like a dating app in your dreams. Instead of actually exploring this interesting and potentially dystopian technology, we just meet a girl after a cryptic warning. And.... that's it. We never learn anything about her. They dot in more cryptic warnings that the girl (she has a name but it's completely inconsequential) may not be who she really is, as anyone can "use a filter" to essentially catfish people. So Mr. Boring and Girl talk about meeting up, she's hesitant to but agrees, and that's it. We never see her, we never know if she's who she really is or not, there's no reveal, no satisfying ending to the mystery, just.... END PART 1.
22. Minutes. Of nothing.
Tiny Creatures: Washington (2020)
Only watch if you like duck snuff.
Why was this made? Do they think people enjoy watching baby ducks put in near-death peril dozens of times? They use real ducklings, drop them off of high places, put in soapy water, and in one scene near the beginning, force a duckling to hatch upside down, which is usually a death sentence for a hatching duck. They clearly did no research, and had no thoughts for the welfare of the animals they're filming. It's like Milo and Otis part 2, and we all know how poorly those animals were treated.
Almost as an aside to that infuriating fact, this isn't a docuseries. It's 100% scripted and performed, with animals on set. So they deliberately set out to do these terrible things to baby animals of all sorts, very likely killing several during the shoot.
Gallavants (1984)
Lazy writing and sloppy execution makes this an ant-sized snoozefest.
I recall feeling nostalgic about this movie when I was a kid, but upon rewatching it recently, I realize my childhood fondness was completely misguided. The songs are poorly written and are so tediously frequent that one comes along quite literally every two minutes, effectively derailing what little plot there is. The characters are weak and one- dimensional, the story is a dull, disjointed mess, and the pacing is clunky and unfocused (for example, the entire first half of the film meanders from unrelated scene to unrelated scene, containing absolutely nothing to drive the plot forward).
The most egregious offense however is the main character, Shando. He starts out as an obnoxious, immature, lazy, selfish good-for-nothing and changes very little by the end. In fact, he is so unlikable that when the central conflict finally arrives an entire hour in, it's impossible to feel any sympathy for him whatsoever. Add to that a trio of ineffective villains competing to see which is more pointless than the next, roadblocks that pop up only to immediately resolve themselves, and an abrupt, nonsensical conclusion, and you have yourself a 90-minute endurance test that'll have you itching to focus a magnifying glass over every last anthill within a five mile radius.
Do yourself and your children a favor, and skip this one.