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Reviews
House of Dark Shadows (1970)
No excuse for the cheap look of the film
I actually am one of the original ardent fans of the TV series in the 1960s, from the first day in 1966 on. It was forbidden fruit for some of us, who had parents who disapproved and would not let us watch, so we wanted to watch it even more! The series was great, but this film was so utterly wretched looking, with such cheap, lousy film techniques; just the look alone was an insult. I was searching just now for some stupid review that would actually praise its look, comparing it to a foreign film. Yes, it would compare to a foreign film from a country that was so starved of entertainment and resources that this would pass for great art. (sarcastic). Germany, after WWI, had an excuse for having low budget, and actually still managed to have an interesting look to their films. House of DS does not. The film is absent the value of the TV series; yet there are actually fans of the TV series who LIKE this mess.
A film should have a decent cinematographer. How hard is that? But maybe there is no way this could have satisfied. A daytime TV series has time and space to fully engage and explore character motivations and plot. This one simply killed off almost all the characters and made Barnabus bloody and repulsive and disgusting. I do not know whom they were trying to target with this trash. The fans loved the romance of the show, and details. Who loved this? I did not love Barnabus --I never forgave him for how cruel he was too poor Maggie Evans, and didn't buy his "love" for Josette either. He was such a jerk control freak. I rooted for Angelique to get him in revenge. I have also gone to the Dark Shadows Festivals where fans praise this rotten film. I have sat next to fans who ask me if I like the film, and I can barely contain myself at how I despise it. Those of us who sit in on discussions of the film ask the makers/actors about it, and some of us ask about the storyline, which is more violent than the series, and nauseating and about the cheap production values. I cannot recall what the excuses are. I am not impressed. I didn't like Night of Dark Shadows, either, though its production values are better.
Then again, there have been bad transfers of the film. I recall when this film was broadcast on CBS late movies and the video was horribly scratchy; I guess the TV execs did not care. It was so bad, it looked like it been run through someone's anus. Muddy, scratchy. I have seen it look better than that.
But the script is still bad, and makes the characters look stupid. The soap opera itself rates an A, with a score of 10. This thing rates 10 below zero.
The Bobby Darin Show: Episode #1.5 (1973)
His Stepdaughter and his commercial cutaways
I am going to buy the DVD tomorrow if I can find it in stores. I have been waiting for years to see this TV show again. I hope everything will be in there, with no cuts --I recall one show, where he was dressed as an old Italian matriarch, with a gray haired wig and long dress, and for one thing before going to commercial break, he as the Italian lady Said to the camera: "Don't you-a change the dial---or I'll change-a your face!" shaking his/her fist.
And I brought this up on another review, how in many of these shows, he had a little Asian girl. whom he chatted with. In one show, he told her his original name was Walden, and she giggled. I think she was his stepdaughter, though I have never since found anything about her! I was bothered when he died and so much on and on about Sandra Dee and their son and nothing about his second wife --so they divorced shortly before his death --she still cared about him and I remember seeing news footage where the little girl was crying --yet no one cares about her, nor even acknowledges her. I wonder if her footage will be in the DVD set --it may well be removed if they could not get permission to use it. I think she was uncredited. The series was canceled early in 1973, but was rerun that summer, when I watched it. His death was heartbreaking and I could not stand it at all.
Heartbeeps (1981)
Well, I LOVED Andy, and Heartbeeps; it was given short shrift, PR-wise, and editing/writing, too
The film had NO help at all, promotion-wise: if there was an advertising promo on TV or radio, I didn't see/hear it. The only newspaper ad I saw was on it's opening weekend: a dingy, sludgy B & W head-shot photo of Andy as Val-Com, behind jail bars, with headline: "WANTED! Runaway Robot!" ( which was also the poster in front of the 3 movie theaters I saw it at --NOT the nice little color poster on this site, with headshots of all the cast, and cartoon of Crimebuster --which really wasn't THAT good--they OUGHT to have used an action scene from the film itself--didn't they have an onset photographer? A poster is supposed to HELP a prospective audience decide if they want to SEE the movie--there were SO many people who couldn't get into their sold-out choice, and wanted to know WHAT Heartbeeps was about--and that poster didn't help! That dingy pic, and the only other photos supplied to papers were so indistinguishable in B & W that they were worthless. ) There was NO trailer for the film: only a slide at one theater, consisting of the word "Heartbeeps" inside a heart-shape, with a Cupid's arrow through it, and one that was a totally black picture: just Andy and Bernadette's voices saying "Val-Com! My pleasure center is malfunctioning!" "So is mine; do you think we ought to tell our owners?" THAT is no help to people who hadn't been aware of the movie.
During the filming, Andy told reporters that he couldn't eat, once his plastic lips were applied, so he would "load up on breakfast, and fast" during the day's shoot. I don't know WHAT Bernadette did: but at the time, I'd wondered why they didn't just sip protein drinks through long straws, or eat astronaut-style puréed food via tubes?
Phil-Co, the baby robot, seemed to have been the pre-curser to Short Circuit's Johnny-Five, with the same eyes, similar face. I've been trying to find if they had the same designer, but no help. I have vintage magazine articles about the film, and the design team was immensely proud of their work, and were going for a special award for their innovative device to create stenchless "smoke" for Catskill's cigars. Just shortly thereafter, LucasFilm did NOT use that device, though they OUGHT to have, for Return of the Jedi's scenes with Jabba the Hut: a man created "steam" around Jabba, by blowing cigar smoke into a tube, joking that all he needed was a glass of brandy, and he'd be a happy man. I thought that LucasFilm's using of real tobacco products was insensitive to people who were upset by smoke.
John Williams, who had then recently succeeded the late, great Arthur Fielder as the maestro of the Boston Pops ( which was THEN a ratings hit--but it never recovered from Fielder's death, and is now a shadow of it's former glory ), was using the show to promote films with which he supplied the music. He'd premiered "The Empire Strikes Back" score there; and you would think he'd have helped Heartbeeps along, by playing a few numbers there? The one thing that critics had liked of this film was Williams' score--yet it was NOT available for purchase! I saw one vinyl album, in 1982, with half Heartbeeps, half another film--but it disappeared. I only just tonight saw the CD listed on THIS site, and have ordered it. If I can ever get a scanner, and time to type out the articles, I'd like to create a Heartbeeps tribute site. I liked the movie, and don't care what dissenters say!
The only trouble with the film, was, that near the end, it was messed up, logic-wise: the robots ran away from the factory to have the freedom to decide their own fate, make their own choices; yet, when the junkyard owners tell them that Phil needs to go TO the factory, to have a "purpose" programmed into him, they don't even question it; they just glance meaningfully at each other, and they go. Along the way, each of the adults lose battery power, and "die." They aren't REALLY dead, as they are robots, and only need new batteries, yet it is treated as "death," with little Phil crying over them, and rolling away. So, what was the POINT of this? Phil never gets back to the factory, and gets "a purpose!" AND of course, the junkyard owners COULD'VE driven them, or given them all battery recharges, with back-up batteries; but the real point was to have this poignant scene, where the robots all wore down, and Phil is left to cry.
At the end, Val-Com is a golf instructor, and Aqua-Com is --I'm not sure what. Catskill is an ENTERTAINER--what ELSE is HE supposed to be? I'm not sure that they made it clear. The junkyard owners seem to be taking it easy, lying on chaise lounges, drinking lemonade from Phil, their "bartender." Val's and Aqua's new "daughter," Philsia--I think the name is--maybe it's Sylvania--doesn't seem to be much more than a table lamp.
There is missing footage, which is sad--from photos I surmise that the stuff missing includes a sweet scene, where Phil is having a Christmas, with Val gifting him with a car's steering wheel; Aqua is supplying a horn; Catskill has taken the firefighter helmet to give to Phil, as we saw; and they have Christmas trees. I don't know if any missing footage supplies better logic, or if the writers just couldn't think of a better crisis/resolution. The film was trimmed to 72-75 minutes, to pair it with other failing films. No other reason than that. For a DVD, I would LOVE to be in on creating, as I want to see interviews with the cast/crew and John Williams, and the Merv Griffin interview. The making-of footage; and reediting and restoring the missing footage to make it better.