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ridleyr1
Reviews
The Last Grenade (1970)
Horrible
I saw this movie when it first came out, and it made a BIG impression on me -- because it was so BAD. I remember the ride home listening to my parents in the front seat absolutely trash this thing. There were holes in the plot big enough for a herd of elephants to trample through. My father (normally one of the sweetest men you'll ever meet) worked himself up to the point where he was criticizing the costumes.
As I remember (and it has been 35 years), a platoon is shown heading off into the jungle on a secret mission, and they are all in camouflage, "Except for that idiot," my father exclaims through bursts of laughter, "you know, the guy wearing RED on a secret mission!" And even though I was kind of young, I do remember how wooden the acting was, especially Alex Cord, who had to be one of the worst actors ever.
Bottom line: Good for a few laughs, but there is a reason this one is obscure.
Revelations (2005)
In Which We Find out that Satan is Batman's Joker!!!!!!
I thought the whole thing was a bunch of slop. Many of the other comments have pointed out scientific errors, factual errors, lumpy duologue, and so forth, and most of these comments were spot on.
I would like to point out 2 things that bothered me. Michael Massee was ludicrously miscast as the Satanic figure.
First of all, he has this rather nasal voice, which when raised to fever pitches to curse mankind sounded whiny rather than apocalyptic. "Heaven is picking on meeeeee!" He was just like that whiny kid around the corner that you would pop across the mouth just because he was weeny enough for you to get away with it. Why would anyone take him seriously, especially prisons full of hardcore criminals?
And then there was that goofy smile EXACTLY like the smile that the Joker has in Batman. And if you are doing a story about the devil, you better not blow it when it comes to casting that part. This is a part that cries for a powerful presence (think of Gabriel Byrnes in End of Days).
But what do we get here? A whiny Joker, yup, exactly my version of hell.
The Barbarians (1960)
Goofy lunacy clad in sword and sandals
First off, I wasn't expecting a lot out of this movie. Sword and sandal flicks aren't known for their high quality. Secondly, it was directed by Rudolph Mate, famous for having helmed the Tony Curtis classics, The Black Shield of Falworth and The Prince Who Was a Thief.
But nothing could have prepared me for the sheer loopiness of this charmer. All the scenes play as if staged for a proscenium, everyone stiffly posed (and posed is right), facing in one direction, twisting their heads to talk to the person beside them.
There is a minimal storyline. The Carthaginian army/navy? (they don't make it clear) invades a small Celtic island. The Carthaginian forces (all 20 of them) quickly conquer and take as hostages the son and daughter of the king. This is Revak (Jack Palance) and his sister. On the boat going back to Carthage, the evil general decides to humiliate his captives and has both of them brought up on deck. This is when the movie goes from the ridiculous to the sublime. The evil general growls, "Dance for me, captive!" as he grabs the sister's dress and rips it off her. Little sister twinkletoes spirals daintily out of her dress, to reveal that underneath she is wearing the exact same outfit, only in a mini-skirted version. The Carthaginian forces (all 20 of them) stand in a straight row at the back of the scene, making bad guy noises, while Palance chews on the scenery at his end of the stage set. Twinkletoes pulls out a huge knife out if her little outfit (where was it?), and very carrrefulllly - scratches the general's face with it. (Huh?) The Carthaginian forces (all 20 of them) growl a little. Palance is swallowing whole chunks of the scenery. Twinkletoes is disarmed by the general (thanks for helping out here, Carthaginian army), and finally does a little dance, reminiscent of a high schooler who has read a book about Isadora Duncan. The evil general goes INSANE with lust. He snatches Twinkletoes's arm, and informs her that her next dance will be in his bed (GASP!). Inexplicably, he immediately lets go of her so that she can skip to the other side of the stage to inform Palance that she would rather die. Palance pauses as he is sucking down the backdrops to say goodbye. She then scampers back to stand on the railing. The Carthaginians (all 21 of them - I'm counting the general too this time) say things like, "Stop her! Don't let her go!" But NOBODY MOVES!!!! Twinkletoes does a neat little pike into the water, and I have to pause the movie so I can catch my breath from all the laughter.
And this is only in the first 20 minutes! It just keeps getting better and better. Like the scene where Palance comes face to face with an elephant, and obligingly arches his back and throws his arms wide so that the elephant can easily pick him up.
Not to be missed.
Rosmunda e Alboino (1961)
A real guilty pleasure
I first saw this movie about 20 years ago, and I recently found a tape of it, so I can now enjoy it whenever I want, although I close the curtains and lock the doors so no one can see me.
Judged against other sword and sandal flicks, this is pretty good. The production values are better than average, and the acting and direction at least try. However, in some ways, this is an odd movie. The heroine is in love with Guy Madison's character (Amalchi), and Palance is the ostensible villain (who kills her father and forces her to marry him). But Amalchi is such a whiner, and seems so ineffective, that her love for him is incomprehensible. On the other hand, Alboin (Palance) does do some villainous acts: invading the kingdom, killing the heroine's father, etc. But it's made clear from the very beginning that he and everybody else are being manipulated into war and hatred by the slimy machinations of the king's adviser (who is secretly in the pay of the Byzantine emperor). *****POSSIBLE SPOILER ALERT****** So, at the end of the movie, when the heroine kills Alboin and marries Amalchi, you are left there asking, "Is this really a happy ending?" Alboin came across as a smart, shrewd ruler, and all that Amalchi has going for him is that he knocked up the heroine before the movie started. Not only that, but the Byzantine emperor is still out there scheming to destroy our happy pair, and let's face it, Amalchi is useless. Every time I watch it, I hope that Rozmunda ditches the loser and makes it with Alboin, for a truly happy ending.