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Reviews
Metalocalypse (2006)
Spinal Tap for the modern metal fan
This is one of those shows that you will think is hilarious, as long as you are into Heavy Metal music. It's kind of like "Spinal Tap" with a heavy metal band who has the budget Spinal Tap wishes they had. The pop-shots at popular culture aren't exactly subtle, but the whole point is for this to be a mixture of both Heavy Metal and idiotic musicians making ridiculous demands. It's really, really funny... provided you like Heavy Metal. I like it, so I gave it the 8/10, but a lot of people will find it kind of hard to get into, because it just doesn't have much mass appeal beyond it's established audience. If you like the genre, you will probably be watching the DVDs of the show until a hole is worn into your player. If not, I'd suggest giving it a try, because it's actually quite clever if you give it a second thought. Eight out of Ten.
Nick Fury: Agent of Shield (1998)
Awful...
This was quite simply a complete and utter suck-fest. It sucked out loud, in stereo. David Hasselhoff successfully completed the mission that HYDRA agents have been attempting for years: He brutally murdered Nick Fury.
Hasselhoff doesn't even LOOK like Nick Fury. He's white, and he's got brown hair. That's where the similarities end. He doesn't look grizzled, he doesn't look tough, and he doesn't look smart. He is a German Pop-Singer. I really, really hope that they make a good movie for this character, because this one doesn't cut it. Not by a long-shot.
As I've been ranting and ripping on this movie for a while now, I will say this: if you want to read some good Nick Fury story lines, try these: Strange Tales #135 - First time Nick Fury is seen with SHIELD. He is elected to lead the organization.
Nick Fury: Agent of SHIELD - The Jim Steranko stories are amazing, nostalgic fun. Try it out, even if you don't like comics. They're like watching old episodes of "Mission: Impossible" or "the Avengers".
Whatever you do, DO NOT take this "movie" as being in any way definitive of the great spy-character known as...
Nick Fury: Agent of SHIELD
He-Man and the Masters of the Universe: The Beginning (2002)
Where the older show left off, this one picks up and Improves!
The visual style of this show is very reminiscent of the early Image Comics of the 1990s. In other words - a lot of posing and displays of massive power, with very few actual injuries.
The combat style aside, the character development is excellent. Each of the characters is moved forward in interesting and involving ways. The show has the obligatory level of coming-of-age stories, but no more-so than any other Saturday Morning action series. All in all, this show is a solid effort at creating a reasonable storyline with strongly developed characters and plot lines that are easy enough to follow for children, while being intricate enough for teenagers to feel like they can watch with interest and not be considered childish. Good stuff.
All in all, I'd say this show was very good for the storyline of the He-Man universe, and it certainly would have been even better had it continued.
Blade: The Series: Pilot (2006)
A good effort, very true to the source material
OK, first of all, for those of you who have only ever seen the movies, this rendition might not be to your liking. That being said, Geoff Johns and David Goyer wrote a very, very faithful interpretation of the original source material. Blade isn't superior to his adversaries beyond his ability to survive in sunlight and withstand silver or garlic. He is every bit as strong, fast, and agile. No more, no less.
The Blade films show an almost unrealistic version of Blade. He seems to be able to easily dispatch just about anything he fights. That's great for movie audiences who have never heard of the character, but it isn't what Marv Wolfman intended. Blade isn't indestructible, and he isn't a tank.
"Sticky Fingaz" wasn't spectacular, but he got the part right. He didn't overact, or try to make it a gangster type of role. He played it like Blade should be played. Overall, this was a pretty good pilot, and I for one am looking forward to the ongoing episodes in this series.
Fantastic Four (2005)
A Great Adaptation, Characters were almost Perfect, all around Great Film!
For everyone that has not read the comic books, I will briefly explain some things. First of all, the main complaint I have heard about this film is that it's too campy and family-friendly. The Fantastic Four have always been the "sitcom" of the Marvel comic book universe. The characters are supposed to be goofy, out there, and over done.
Johnny is an arrogant, self centered hothead. Hence, he becomes the Human Torch. Reed is constantly pulling himself in every direction, to the breaking point in most cases. Hence, he becomes super-flexible: Mr. Fantastic. Sue Storm always felt ignored. Yeah, I know. Jessica Alba is hard to ignore, but Reed pulled it off, didn't he? She felt like the one person she wanted to see her... didn't. Hence, the Invisible Woman. Finally, the big, strong, tough guy - flying ace becomes a monster. Ben was always the sweetheart of the group. He always had the softest heart. So, by becoming a gigantic stone monster, he can protect that which he loves the most: his family.
This movie was everything it needed to be. It was entertaining, it was fun, it was great to watch. I couldn't have asked for anything more from this movie.
If I had to nitpick one thing, I'd complain about this: Dr. Doom's voice is not supposed to sound like Victor VonDoom. Dr. Doom is the iconic villain of the Marvel Universe. He is supposed to have a presence of fear that can be felt as soon as you see him. Julian McMahon was perfect as Victor, but bad as the voice of Doom. That was my only problem with the movie. Other than that, it was great. 10/10.
Get Rich or Die Tryin' (2005)
Betrays Everything he should've learned from his Mentors
OK, first of all, I am not a huge fan of Eminem, G-Unit, 50 Cent, D12 or any of those guys. But, I think that they all add something to the mix of Rap Music as it is today. Rap, as I hope everyone knows, started as a form of spoken-word beat poetry, with it's tempo and beat originating in the repetitions and drums used in African Folk Music. It was around and active in the World for some time, but not many people outside of the Black Communities of the World knew about it. The Sugarhill Gang changed all that. Rapper's Delight became an overnight smash hit, and Rap was born. In come groups like Run DMC, the Beastie Boys, and Cypress Hill. They're music was a celebration of Black Culture. Being cool in general. In the early 90s, Rap exploded once more. Tupac Shakur had people paying attention in California, and Biggie had'em going on the east coast. Gansta' Rap was born. One thing about Gangsta Rap that was always a prominent aspect was hope. That hope was the reason for the harsh lyrics. The message was "Life is hard, but you can overcome it and be a good person." This model has continued, for the most part, into the year 2005. 50 Cent changed all that. Eminem, the guy that brought him into the business pays respect to the fans he influences, but Not 50.
This Movie is a debasement and a defiling of everything and every message people in his position should be standing for. 50 Cent is a role model, like it or not. This movie, however, blatantly and pointlessly glorifies all the bad aspects of his life, instead of the good ones.
Yeah, he got shot. Good for him... I guess. The simple fact is this: 50 Cent was a drug dealer. He got into a Gun Fight, in Public, and he's lucky he didn't die. He went to prison, as he deserved. Getting into a firefight in public is a really, really bad thing. I hate to be the guy to inform all of 50 Cent's loyal soldiers, but firefights aren't a good thing. People die. Glorifying and enhancing himself by showing some overblown crap drug war is pathetic, stupid, and pointless. It is incredibly self centered, and incredibly asinine. This movie was God-Awful. 50 Cent did an absolutely horrendous job as an "actor". Which is yet another reason he falls far short of his mentors. Eminem was pretty good in 8 Mile. He didn't deserve an Oscar, but he deserved to be cast in the movie. 50 Cent was just bad. Like, the opposite of good. Don't see this movie, please.
Santa's Slay (2005)
Oh Dear Christ
Oh. My. God. I just saw this on the Spike TV casino cinema showing... it hurt my soul. I feel like a lesser person having seen this movie. Letting alone the fact that James Caan, Chris Kattan, and Fran Drescher make cameos in this movie - career lows for ALL of them - Bill Goldberg plays the part of a demonic Santa Claus.
Apparently, the only reason Santa gives presents to everyone... is that he lost a curling match with an Angel. Yes. A Curling Match. As in, the "sport" so lame, it is played on TV only during the Olympics, at 3:00 am, in every single time zone.
Well, the bet "expires" after a thousand years, so Santa starts killing people in Christmas themed ways. Please God, bring back Mystery Science Theater 3000.
Constantine (2005)
Quit Whining, You Picky Jerks!
OK, first of all, I am a HUGE comic book fan. I am overjoyed about the fact that so many Books are making it to the screen. Constantine was not word perfect to the comic book, admittedly. But, look at it this way: the movie had enough of a plot, and a good enough cast to make it to the movies in the first place. And, I thought Reeves did a pretty good job in his part. He got the character down perfect. And, for once, he didn't act like a stoner/philosopher.
I am amazed at how much backlash this movie got from hardcore comic book fans. From the standpoint of a pure movie critique, X-Men wasn't that great of a film. But, it did what no one else had done since the Batman Miasma of the 90s. It opened up the forum of comic book characters for a wider audience. Now, more people know about Hellblazer than ever before. And, as far as John being from LA instead of London: A.) WHO CARES?! and B.) It's an American made movie. Of course we are gonna Americanize it. Deal with it. I was entertained, the special effects were great, the dialog was good, and I enjoyed the movie. Be glad it made to the screen you nay-saying ninnies!