natmavila Reviews

Priscilla (2023)

Elvis Has Left the Building, But Priscilla's Just Arrived

[8/10 · 25 May 2024]

Holy blue suede shoes! Sofia Coppola's **"Priscilla" (2023)** takes us on a wild rollercoaster through the life of Priscilla Presley, and it's nothing short of a cinematic hunka hunka burning love. With Cailee Spaeny stepping into those iconic shoes, we get a performance so dazzling it makes the Vegas strip look dim. Jacob Elordi as Elvis? More like Elvis resurrected. The guy pulls off the King with such flair, I half-expected him to start handing out fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches in the theater.

The pacing of this movie could be compared to Elvis's dance moves-mostly smooth with a few hip shakes that come out of nowhere. At times, it feels like Coppola is trying to cram a lifetime into two hours, which leaves you feeling like you've sprinted through Graceland after a few too many whiskey sours. But, damn, it's an entertaining sprint. Spaeny's transformation from wide-eyed innocent to seasoned vet of the celebrity circus is a masterclass in character development.

And the soundtrack? No Elvis tracks, but Phoenix rises to the occasion with a score that's both nostalgic and refreshingly modern, like discovering your parents' old records and finding a new favorite band at the same time. Coppola's stylish direction infuses this biopic with a dreamy, almost ethereal quality, making the rough edges of fame and love look like a beautifully shot Instagram filter. "Priscyla" is more than just another chapter in the Elvis saga-it's a fabulous, rhinestone-studded exploration of the woman behind the King. Four stars for turning the Presley legacy on its head and making it dance!

The Dark Horse (2014)

'The Dark Horse' Captures the King and the Audience

[9/10 · 17 May 2024]

"The Dark Horse" is an emotional rollercoaster disguised as a chess movie, and honestly, it's a checkmate move in the world of cinema! Cliff Curtis delivers a powerhouse performance as Genesis Potini, a man grappling with bipolar disorder and trying to find solace in the ancient game of kings and pawns. Watching him teach a group of at-risk youths about life through chess is as inspiring as it is entertaining. The movie's raw portrayal of Genesis's struggles makes you root for him, even when he's just shuffling wooden pieces on a board.

Director James Napier Robertson brings an elegant touch to a gritty story, crafting scenes that teeter on the edge of despair and hope like a well-played chess match. However, the film isn't without its clichés. At times, it leans a bit too heavily into the 'inspirational coach' trope, but Curtis's stellar performance saves the day, making you forget you've seen this formula before. The cinematography deserves a shout-out too, perfectly capturing the dimly lit community halls and rainy streets of New Zealand that add so much character and atmosphere to the film.

Overall, "The Dark Horse" is a gripping, if slightly predictable, tale of redemption and determination. It's a film that not only teaches you the Sicilian Defense but also the defense mechanisms we use to tackle our darker days. Four and a half stars because while it didn't make me a chess convert, it did make me want to give my old chess board another go. Who knows? Maybe I'll even learn what 'en passant' means this time around.

The Greatest Hits (2024)

Retro Flop in Modern Wrapping

[4/10 · 21 April 2024]

Two stars might seem generous after sitting through "The Greatest Hits," a film that attempts to blend the sweet nostalgia of classic tunes with the sci-fi twist of time travel, only to miss the mark on both counts. Harriet, our protagonist, finds that certain songs can zap her back to bygone moments with an old flame, a concept that initially sounds as charming as a mixtape from a high school sweetheart. However, this cinematic journey quickly devolves into a clunky mashup of "Back to the Future" and a broken jukebox that skips the best tracks. The movie tries to tug at the heartstrings with its sentimental trips to the past, but the nostalgia is as authentic as an '80s tribute band playing from a crumpled setlist.

The real discord begins with the lack of chemistry among the cast. Harriet's adventures in time should add layers to her character, yet they flatten her into a two-dimensional figure less lively than a vinyl record's B-side. Her emotional tug-of-war between the past boyfriend and the new guy is as compelling as choosing between stale bread and slightly staler bread. The plot hopes to weave these relationships into a tapestry of learning and growth, but instead, it unravels faster than cheap headphones. Each flashback, meant to be a poignant peek into what once was, feels more like stumbling upon an awkward old Facebook photo that everyone forgot to untag.

Moreover, the film's attempt to imbue depth through music-driven time travel ends up feeling like a gimmicky afterthought. Each musical cue that sends Harriet hurtling through time is predictably on-the-nose, with song choices so literal that they'd make even a karaoke DJ cringe. By the final act, one can't help but feel that the only thing this movie transports us back to is a time when we hadn't yet watched it. "The Greatest Hits" tries to hit high notes with its innovative premise but ends up stuck in a loop of missed opportunities and flat performances. In the end, the only thing I wanted to rewind was my decision to watch it.

The Greatest Hits (2024)

A Retro Flop in Modern Wrapping

[4/10 · 21 April 2024]

Two stars might seem generous after sitting through "The Greatest Hits," a film that attempts to blend the sweet nostalgia of classic tunes with the sci-fi twist of time travel, only to miss the mark on both counts. Harriet, our protagonist, finds that certain songs can zap her back to bygone moments with an old flame, a concept that initially sounds as charming as a mixtape from a high school sweetheart. However, this cinematic journey quickly devolves into a clunky mashup of "Back to the Future" and a broken jukebox that skips the best tracks. The movie tries to tug at the heartstrings with its sentimental trips to the past, but the nostalgia is as authentic as an '80s tribute band playing from a crumpled setlist.

The real discord begins with the lack of chemistry among the cast. Harriet's adventures in time should add layers to her character, yet they flatten her into a two-dimensional figure less lively than a vinyl record's B-side. Her emotional tug-of-war between the past boyfriend and the new guy is as compelling as choosing between stale bread and slightly staler bread. The plot hopes to weave these relationships into a tapestry of learning and growth, but instead, it unravels faster than cheap headphones. Each flashback, meant to be a poignant peek into what once was, feels more like stumbling upon an awkward old Facebook photo that everyone forgot to untag.

Moreover, the film's attempt to imbue depth through music-driven time travel ends up feeling like a gimmicky afterthought. Each musical cue that sends Harriet hurtling through time is predictably on-the-nose, with song choices so literal that they'd make even a karaoke DJ cringe. By the final act, one can't help but feel that the only thing this movie transports us back to is a time when we hadn't yet watched it. "The Greatest Hits" tries to hit high notes with its innovative premise but ends up stuck in a loop of missed opportunities and flat performances. In the end, the only thing I wanted to rewind was my decision to watch it.

Never Let Me Go (2010)

A Sandwich of Solace in a Deli of Dreariness

[7/10 · 18 April 2024]

"Never Let Me Go" is the cinematic equivalent of a cloudy day-neither fully gloomy nor gloriously sunny. It's an okay watch, sort of like eating a sandwich that has all the right ingredients but none of them are your favorite. The film adapts Kazuo Ishiguro's novel with a steadfast devotion, which is admirable but also where it hits a bit of a snag. It captures the melancholic tone with such dreariness that you might find yourself checking if you've accidentally put on a pair of sunglasses indoors. Yet, you keep watching because, well, the cinematography does a splendid job of making every scene Instagram worthy.

The performances are like a group of honor students-commendably competent but not quite ditching the script for a thrilling detour. Mulligan, Garfield, and Knightley deliver their lines with the precision of a well-rehearsed school choir. They hit the notes, they harmonize well, but they don't quite make the hairs on the back of your neck stand up. It's this consistent 'okay-ness' that anchors the film firmly in the 'good-not-great' sea. They give you the 'feels,' but not enough to send you scrambling for a tissue box-more like mildly searching for a napkin.

All in all, "Never Let Me Go" is the movie equivalent of a soft murmur in a library. It's okay enough that you won't shush it, but it doesn't quite make you want to lean in and listen harder. It's a 3.5-star experience where the half-star went missing, perhaps daydreaming of what could have been if the film had taken a few more risks to match its own hauntingly beautiful premise. If you're in the mood for something that's comfortably melancholic and won't disrupt your emotional equilibrium too much, then this is the film for you-just don't expect to be telling everyone you know about it the next day.

Beautiful Wedding (2024)

Viva Lost Vegas

[3/10 · 16 April 2024]

Ah, "Beautiful Wedding" (2024), a cinematic adventure where Abby and Travis accidentally marry in Vegas and think, "Why not honeymoon in Mexico?" sounds like the kind of movie you'd invent to win a bet on making the most predictable rom-com ever. Yet, here it is, in all its glory, demanding that we sit through nearly two hours of what could only be described as a series of unfortunate events that make you wish they had annulled the movie along with the marriage.

First off, the chemistry between Abby and Travis is as convincing as a tofu steak at a barbecue. Their attempts at romantic banter feel more like awkward exchanges between strangers who've been forced to share a cab. The supporting cast of friends and family are intended to add spice and laughter but instead come off like they wandered in from a different, possibly more interesting movie set. Each gag lands with the subtlety of a brick, and the slapstick scenarios are as fresh as last week's guacamole.

By the time the plot drags us to the picturesque beaches of Mexico, you hope for some redemption or maybe a beautiful scenic distraction. But no, the film doubles down on its commitment to mediocrity with a series of predictable misunderstandings and reconciliations that feel as though they were scripted by a chatbot programmed to churn out clichés. "Beautiful Wedding" tries to be a feast of fun and fails spectacularly, serving up nothing but reheated leftovers from better movies. One and a half stars, and even that feels like a wedding gift.

The Disappearance of Maura Murray (2017)

A Middle-of-the-Road Mystery

[6/10 · 15 April 2024]

"The Disappearance of Maura Murray" is the documentary equivalent of unsalted popcorn - not terrible, but you're not sneaking any leftovers home in your purse. It's an exhaustive dive into one of the internet's most gnawed-over mysteries, the 2004 disappearance of a young woman in New Hampshire. The series earnestly tries to shed new light on the case but ends up illuminating more about the obsessive culture around true crime than any new facts about Maura herself.

The series scores some points with its in-depth interviews and scenic shots of New England that make you feel the chill in the air. But the pacing is like watching a sloth run a marathon. Each episode seems to stretch Maura's scant digital footprint into an hour-long saga. The creators are so determined to squeeze every drop from the story that by the end, you might feel as lost as the investigators. It's like being promised a thriller and getting a lecture on the importance of keeping your car maintained in winter.

In conclusion, "The Disappearance of Maura Murray" is okay if you're into the true crime scene and have some time to kill (no pun intended). It's a comprehensive look at a baffling case, with moments that tickle your brain cells, but don't expect any bombshell revelations. If nothing else, it's a sober reminder that sometimes, despite our best efforts, mysteries remain just that-a mystery. So, buckle up for a moderate ride through the white mountains of ambiguity.

Marlowe (2022)

Less Detective, More Defective

[2/10 · 15 April 2024]

If there was ever a film that could make the noir genre roll in its grave, "Marlowe" has certainly clinched that dubious honor. From the moment the opening credits rolled, I couldn't help but feel I'd stepped into a parody rather than a tribute to the hard-boiled detective tales of yore. The film tries desperately to evoke the gritty charm of its predecessors but ends up as a lackluster caricature that struggles to keep its fedora on straight. The dialogue, aiming for sharp and snappy, comes off as forced and about as smooth as a gravel road.

Then there's the plot, which seems to have been concocted during a particularly uninspired brainstorming session where the best idea was, "Let's just throw in some twists and hope for the best." Characters walk in and out of scenes with little to no purpose, making me wonder if they wandered off the set of a better film and got lost. Liam Neeson, bless his heart, brings his usual gravitas but even he can't save this sinking ship. He wanders through scenes with all the detective prowess of someone who's lost his car keys but has forgotten what a car looks like.

Visually, "Marlowe" tries to dress up the mundane with moody lighting and rain-soaked streets, but it feels more like a theme park ride through Noirville rather than an actual film set in the 1930s. It's all hat and no cattle, or in this case, all trench coat and no clues. For those seeking a film that truly captures the essence of the genre, you're better off watching paint dry. It might not have the same promise of intrigue, but at least the outcome is less disappointing.

Argylle (2024)

When Your Spy Novel Accidentally Becomes Your Life (And You Wish It Hadn't)

[3/10 · 13 April 2024]

"Argylle" must have been conceived during a particularly raucous writer's meeting where everyone thought throwing every spy cliché into a blender and adding a twist of lemon (or rather, confusion) sounded like a smashing idea. The result? A cinematic smoothie that's hard to swallow. Our protagonist, Elly Conway, swaps her typewriter for a trench coat in what could only be described as a writer's worst nightmare turned action-packed farce. The plot seems like a drunk retelling of *The Bourne Identity* by someone who accidentally bought a ticket for *Inception* instead.

The story's attempt at a clever twist, where Elly's literary creations bleed into her reality, ends up as muddled as a spy's martini after a bar fight. The film can't decide whether it's a comedy, thriller, or an avant-garde experiment in testing audience patience. As Elly and Aidan hop continents faster than a cheap travel documentary, viewers might find themselves needing a GPS to track the plot's logic. And the "big reveal" that Elly is actually a brainwashed super-spy Rachel, who thinks she's writing novels while actually spilling state secrets? It feels like a plot twist for the sake of having one, tossing believability out of the window of a speeding Aston Martin.

The climax of "Argylle" is as overcooked as a burnt spy dossier. In a final act that desperately wants to be both poignant and explosive, it achieves neither. The revelation of Rachel's true allegiance is as surprising as finding out that water is wet, thanks to the heavy-handed foreshadowing. And the Masterkey drama, complete with an oil tanker showdown, feels like a Michael Bay fever dream minus the charm of giant robots. By the time the real Argylle shows up in a bizarre mid-credits scene, the only mystery left is whether the audience's patience or the plot wore thinner faster. In short, "Argylle" is a twisty mess that forgets the first rule of a good spy flick: the audience has to enjoy the deception.

Night Swim (2024)

Drowning in Disappointment

[2/10 · 12 April 2024]

Ah, "Night Swim" - if you've ever wanted a tutorial on how not to make a horror movie, look no further. This film tries to plunge into the deep end of psychological terror but instead belly flops with a plot so leaky, it makes you wonder if anyone bothered to proofread the script before yelling, "Action!" Let's start with the backstory: a tragic accident involving a young girl named Rebecca. The scene meant to instill chills merely tickles the funny bone due to some of the most unintentionally comedic ghost effects since Casper met Wendy.

Fast forward to the present day, where the Waller family stumbles into this watery nightmare. The film attempts to weave a narrative around mystical healing waters with the subtlety of a cannonball dive. Ray, the ailing ex-baseball player, starts to recover thanks to these magical waters - a premise that could be intriguing if it weren't handled with the grace of a toddler in floaties. Instead of suspense, we get a series of murky plot points and soggy dialogues that leave us drowning in confusion. And let's not forget the pool that's "essentially self-sustaining" - a concept that's never properly explained but frequently used as a plot crutch.

By the time the climax rolls around, you'll find yourself rooting for the entity - anything to end the misery. Eve's final showdown with the pool-dwelling spirit is as climactic as a wet noodle. The decision to remain in the house with the evil pool "filled in" is the cherry on top of this soggy cake. One can only hope it's filled in with the unsold copies of this film's DVD. "Night Swim" isn't just a dip in the wrong end of the horror pool; it's an anchor tied to the ankles of its genre.

Greenland (2020)

Gerard Butler Saves the World (Again)

[7/10 · 10 April 2024]

Greenland (2020) achieves the cinematic equivalent of a shrug, landing solidly in the "it's fine, I guess" tier of apocalyptic thrillers. While Gerard Butler runs, drives, and occasionally flies his way through yet another end-of-the-world scenario, one can't help but admire his dedication to being the action hero in every conceivable disaster. The film's plot, which revolves around a family's attempt to reach the titular sanctuary as a comet threatens to obliterate Earth, ticks all the boxes for suspense, emotional family moments, and explosions. Yet, it's served with a side of predictability that makes you feel like you've seen this movie before, even if you haven't.

What sets Greenland apart, if only by a smidge, is its attempt to weave a more personal story amidst the chaos of the impending apocalypse. Instead of focusing solely on the spectacle of destruction (though there's plenty of that), it spends a surprising amount of time on the relational dynamics of Butler's family. This effort to humanize the narrative amidst the CGI destruction derby is commendable, yet it's akin to trying to have a heartfelt conversation in the middle of a rock concert. You appreciate the attempt, but can't shake the feeling that something's off.

All in all, Greenland garners a lukewarm 3.5 stars out of 5. It's the cinematic equivalent of a reheated slice of pizza; it'll do in a pinch, but it's not exactly satisfying. The film straddles the line between thrilling and formulaic with the grace of a tightrope walker wearing clown shoes. It's ok, not because it's particularly groundbreaking or because it redefines the genre, but because it delivers exactly what it promises: Gerard Butler against the end of the world, again. And in a world starving for original content, sometimes, just sometimes, "ok" is good enough.

Murdaugh Murders: A Southern Scandal (2023)

Southern Fried Scandal:

[8/10 · 8 April 2024]

Who knew that a family reunion in South Carolina could give "Game of Thrones" a run for its money in terms of shock value? "Murdaugh Murders: A Southern Scandal" takes you on a wild ride through the lavish yet deeply troubled world of the Murdaugh family, where the dress code is strictly pearls and courtroom attire, and the family activities include backstabbing (sometimes literally) and cover-ups thicker than their accents. If you ever felt your family gatherings were a bit too much, this series will have you sending thank-you notes to your relatives for just being ordinarily dysfunctional.

The plot thickens faster than molasses in January, with every episode peeling back layers of deceit, corruption, and crimes that make you wonder if they were trying to compete for a Guinness World Record. The directors masterfully juggle interviews, court footage, and dramatic reenactments, leaving you glued to your seat with a tub of popcorn, gasping, "Y'all can't make this stuff up!" Spoiler alert: They didn't have to; reality did the legwork.

In conclusion, "Murdaugh Murders: A Southern Scandal" is a beautifully wrapped reminder that sometimes, truth is stranger than fiction, especially in the South. With a plot more tangled than a bowl of spaghetti and a cast of characters that could rival any soap opera, this series earns a solid four stars for its ability to entertain, horrify, and educate us on the importance of choosing a good family lawyer. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go double-check my family tree for any potential scandals.

Britney vs Spears (2021)

Oops, They Documented Again

[6/10 · 8 April 2024]

"Britney vs Spears" is an interesting dive into the legal battle that defined a pop icon's life, but let's be honest, it's the cinematic equivalent of eating plain oatmeal - it's ok, but where's the flavor? The documentary manages to present the facts in a linear, digestible manner, which is commendable given the complexity of Britney Spears' conservatorship saga. It's like being given a map in a maze, but the map is in black and white, and you're pretty sure it's missing a few secret passageways. The filmmakers deserve a pat on the back for not getting lost themselves.

However, the docu feels like it's playing safe, hovering in the shallow end rather than diving deep into the murky waters of the conservatorship issue. It's as if they're trying to bake a cake but forgot to add sugar. Yes, the structure is there, and yes, it's technically cake, but it's not going to satisfy your sweet tooth. The documentary does an ok job of laying out the timeline, but the emotional impact feels a bit like a firecracker that fizzles out - you're left waiting for the big bang that never comes.

In conclusion, "Britney vs Spears" sits comfortably in the middle of the road, not daring enough to venture into uncharted territory, but not boring enough to make you switch off. It's the documentary equivalent of a lukewarm cup of tea; it's ok, but it won't be the most memorable cup you've ever had. Three stars because, like Britney herself, it's impossible not to root for it, even if it doesn't hit all the high notes. Plus, let's face it, any exploration of Britney's battle is bound to be at least somewhat intriguing, simply because it's Britney, b*tch.

Talk to Me (I) (2022)

A Handy Guide to Conversing with the Dead

[9/10 · 8 April 2024]

If you're in for a wild, supernatural rollercoaster that expertly blends "The Craft" with an episode of "Ghost Adventures" while dialing the absurdity up to eleven, then "Talk to Me" is your next movie night pick. In what starts as a seemingly typical teenage rebellion flick set in Adelaide, quickly morphs into a haunted house party with a hand - yes, an actual disembodied hand - as the guest of honor. The film cleverly navigates through the perils of inviting spirits for a quick chat, which unsurprisingly, spirals out of control faster than you can say "I let you in." It's a riveting tale that teaches us all a valuable lesson: maybe, just maybe, conversing with the dead via a severed hand isn't such a great idea after all.

Our heroine Mia, amidst battling her own demons - and I mean this quite literally - decides that talking to her late mother through a possessed tween is a solid plan. This decision-making process might leave some questioning her judgment, but it's the kind of "hold my beer" attitude that propels this story into the realms of the delightfully bizarre. One of the movie's shining moments is a spirit with a peculiar penchant for podiatry, showcasing a scene where feet sucking becomes a terrifying, yet somehow hysterical, manifestation of the paranormal. It's this blend of horror and humor that gives "Talk to Me" its unique charm, ensuring you're as likely to laugh out loud as you are to jump from your seat.

In the grand tradition of horror-comedies, "Talk to Me" doesn't shy away from pushing boundaries, both of the supernatural and of good taste. The finale, a twisted fusion of teenage angst and ghostly vengeance, leaves audiences pondering the real dangers of peer pressure - especially when that pressure involves supernatural entities. With a narrative as unpredictable as its spectral antagonists, the film serves as a metaphor for the ghosts of our pasts, and the lengths we'll go to for closure... or just a good scare. Clocking in at a spirited 4.5 stars, this movie proves that sometimes, the best way to deal with the hand you're dealt is to simply talk to it - just make sure you've got a candle handy.

The Boys in the Boat (2023)

Row, Row, Row Your Boat Gently Down the Stream of Mediocrity

[5/10 · 7 April 2024]

"The Boys in the Boat" (2023) manages to row its way into the murky waters of mediocrity with the grace of a fiberglass boat hitting a rogue wave. The film, aiming to stir the soul with the underdog story of Joe Rantz and his crew's journey to the 1936 Olympics, instead paddles in circles, occasionally bumping into the dock of emotional depth before drifting away again. Despite a plot that promises an inspiring journey of hardship, perseverance, and triumph, it feels more like watching someone else's high school sports highlight reel - mildly interesting but ultimately forgettable.

In what seems to be an attempt at character development, the movie skims the surface like a poorly executed stroke in rowing. Joe's struggles, living out of an abandoned car and eating canned food, are intended to tug at the heartstrings but instead come off as a lukewarm can of soup you'd reluctantly eat if there was absolutely nothing else. His transformation, along with that of his crewmates, from ragtag misfits to Olympic heroes, is rushed and lacks the emotional payoff one might expect from such a cinematic endeavor. The inclusion of historical figures like Jesse Owens feels like namedropping to borrow gravitas from their real-life heroics, which the film fails to match.

The final act, meant to be a climactic race against not just their rivals but the looming specter of Nazi Germany, ends up feeling like a slow-motion replay of a race where you already know the outcome. The tension that should have been palpable is as absent as the funds needed to send the team to Berlin. While the actual event was a remarkable feat, the movie's portrayal struggles to capture the excitement, instead offering a version so sanitized and soporific, it might well have been set in a bathtub with toy boats. "The Boys in the Boat" doesn't quite sink, but it's certainly taking on water, earning a 2.5-star rating for its valiant effort but ultimately failing to make waves.

Lisa Frankenstein (2024)

A Confusing Patchwork of Teen Angst and Body Parts

[5/10 · 5 April 2024]

"Lisa Frankenstein" (2024) is the cinematic equivalent of sticking your hand in a blender to see if it tickles; it's a perplexing amalgamation of '80s nostalgia, teen drama, and horror that leaves you wondering if the script was stitched together with the same haphazard enthusiasm as its titular character's appendages. The film tries to navigate the troubled waters of teenage isolation and familial dysfunction, all while juggling a corpse's worth of body parts. It's a Franken-film that, much like its protagonist Lisa Swallows, doesn't quite know where it fits.

Lisa, portrayed with a psycho-zeal that's alarmingly convincing, transitions from a cemetery-haunting, family-resenting teen to a full-blown necromantic seamstress with a penchant for reanimating and reassembling the dead. The character's journey from "misunderstood" to "might actually understand why she's being misunderstood" is less character development and more a cautionary tale about the hazards of unsupervised tanning beds and unchecked teen angst. The film seems to mistake psychopathy for depth, leaving viewers to awkwardly root for a protagonist whose moral compass spins more wildly than a weather vane in a hurricane.

The final act's dive into a macabre DIY surgery montage, paired with a romantic subplot that feels as stitched together as the Creature himself, propels the film into a realm of absurdity that even the most forgiving of B-movie enthusiasts might find hard to swallow. "Lisa Frankenstein" attempts to juggle a heartfelt message about love and acceptance with scenes that make you ponder the logistics of attaching various body parts for aesthetic purposes. It's a love story only in the sense that someone might love the idea of turning their high school grievances into a horror show. In trying to meld genres, themes, and body parts, the film ends up as a discombobulated mess that's as confusing as it is morbid. With a narrative as fragmented as the Creature's anatomy, "Lisa Frankenstein" serves as a reminder that some things-like certain dead Victorian musicians-are probably best left buried.

Wish (II) (2023)

Wishful Sinking

[4/10 · 4 April 2024]

In "Wish (2023)", a film that ambitiously attempts to blend magic, medieval politics, and the power of wishing into a coherent narrative, we find ourselves adrift in the Mediterranean Sea of confusion and clichés. The plot, featuring King Magnifico's dubious wish-granting regime and Asha's starry-eyed rebellion, reads like a fairy tale penned by someone who skimmed through a Fantasy Writing for Dummies book during a particularly bumpy flight. While the concept of trading memories for wishes could have opened the door to profound commentary on desire and consequence, the film instead chooses to leave that door not just closed, but locked, opting for a shallow dive into a pool of predictable plot points and one-dimensional characters.

Asha, our protagonist, is as relatable as a marble statue, showing the emotional range of a teaspoon as she navigates the treacherous waters of teenage rebellion and magical animals. The talking goat, Valentino, might have stolen the show-if only his lines weren't as cheesy as a fondue pot at a Swiss chalet. As for the antagonist, King Magnifico, one can't help but wonder if his dark turn to forbidden magic was simply out of boredom, a sentiment likely shared by the audience. The special effects seem to have exhausted the film's budget, leaving little left for script development, acting workshops, or a more original score than what sounds suspiciously like the rejected tracks from a Renaissance fair.

The film's climax, where Asha encourages the power of collective wishing to overthrow Magnifico's tyranny, feels less like a triumphant finale and more like a hastily wrapped-up group project the night before it's due. The resolution offers a lukewarm message about self-empowerment, diluted by the film's earlier reliance on deus ex machina plot devices and the overuse of talking animals as a substitute for genuine character development. In the end, "Wish" does not inspire viewers to reach for the stars, but rather to wish for those two hours of their lives back. It's a magical misfire that proves even in the world of cinema, some wishes shouldn't come true.

Deprogrammed (2015)

A Cinematic Lullaby for Insomniacs

[1/10 · 3 April 2024]

Deprogrammed (2015) has all the excitement of watching paint dry, but with less color and a storyline that makes less sense. It aims to dive deep into the world of cult deprogramming, but somehow misses the pool entirely and ends up flopping on the concrete. The director, with a vision as clear as a muddy puddle, attempts to weave together interviews and archival footage, but the end result feels more like a confused grandmother trying to use a smartphone for the first time - it's endearing for a moment but quickly becomes a frustrating mess.

The documentary's pacing is so slow, you'll find yourself checking if your video player is accidentally set to 0.5x speed. Every revelation is presented with the enthusiasm of a DMV clerk at the end of a 12-hour shift. The filmmakers had the opportunity to explore the fascinating, dark world of cults and the complex process of deprogramming, yet they chose to present their findings with the depth of a kiddie pool. The only deprogramming needed here is of the viewer after watching, as you'll desperately seek to erase this cinematic snooze-fest from your memory.

In conclusion, 'Deprogrammed' manages to do the impossible: make an intriguing subject utterly boring. It's like going on a safari and spending the entire trip in the gift shop. The documentary is a meandering journey to nowhere, filled with missed opportunities and yawn-inducing interviews. Watching this film is akin to being trapped in a conversation with someone who thinks they're fascinating because they once saw a UFO, but all they have to show for it is a blurry photo of a street lamp. In a sea of captivating documentaries, this one sinks without a trace.

Chowchilla (2023)

Bus-ted Dreams

[7/10 · 3 April 2024]

"Chowchilla (2023)" rolls onto the screen with all the subtlety of a school bus crashing a masked ball, offering an unnervingly close look at the weirdest mass kidnapping in California's history. Director Paul Solet aims to drive us through the twists and turns of the 1976 Chowchilla kidnapping, promising an exclusive ride filled with never-before-seen interviews and revelations. While the documentary aims for a deep dive, it occasionally feels more like a shallow paddle in the kiddie pool, especially when it loses focus, wandering off the road to meander through less compelling detours of speculation and dramatic reenactments that could have used a bit more rehearsal time.

The film's strengths lie in its raw, powerful interviews with survivors, whose accounts pack the emotional punch of a thriller novel you can't put down, even if you've read it before. These moments, stark and unflinching, are when "Chowchilla" truly shines, providing a vivid window into the terror and triumph of the human spirit. Yet, every so often, this intensity is undercut by a soundtrack that can't decide if it's scoring a documentary or auditioning for a suspense thriller, leaving viewers in an odd limbo between empathy and eye-rolling.

Clocking in at a runtime that feels slightly indulgent, "Chowchilla" is like that school project that did all the research but lost some points for presentation. It's a 3.5-star cinematic journey that, despite its occasional off-road excursions, manages to bring home the harrowing story of survival and resilience. If you're in for a ride that's part historical recount, part suspenseful escape tale, and part 'why is this music so dramatic?', buckle up. "Chowchilla" may not take you exactly where you expected, but the destination is still worth the trip - just maybe pack some snacks for the longer detours.

7/10.

Shirley (2024)

Shirley You Can't Be Serious

[7/10 · 2 April 2024]

"Shirley" (2024) sets out to capture the groundbreaking, albeit unsuccessful, 1972 presidential run of Shirley Chisholm, the first Black woman elected to the United States Congress. The film straddles the line between historical homage and cinematic spectacle with the grace of a tightrope walker in a windstorm. It's commendable in its ambition, like attempting to solve a Rubik's Cube blindfolded - admirable, but you kind of wonder why.

The movie is ok, and by "ok," I mean it's like that lukewarm cup of coffee you forgot about but decide to drink anyway because, well, caffeine is caffeine. The narrative attempts to juggle Chisholm's political struggles, personal trials, and historical context, occasionally dropping the ball but mostly keeping it in the air. The performances are robust, channeling the essence of the 70s so convincingly you can almost smell the vintage cologne and see the questionable fashion choices off-screen. However, at times, it feels like the film is more of a spirited reenactment than a deep dive, skimming the surface like a stone over water, touching on depth but never fully plunging in.

Where "Shirley" shines, though, is in its unwavering commitment to reminding us of a story that deserves to be told, even if it does so with the finesse of a sledgehammer to a nail. It's like watching your dad use a smartphone; the effort is there, the process is painful, but the outcome is mostly what you hoped for. In a sea of historical dramas that take themselves too seriously, "Shirley" is refreshingly self-aware, winking at its audience from time to time with on-the-nose dialogue and scenes that feel like they were directed by someone who binge-watched every political drama on streaming services. In the end, "Shirley" is a decent watch, the kind you'd recommend to a friend with the caveat, "It's interesting, but keep your expectations in check - like, way in check."

Dream Scenario (2023)

A Guide to Becoming a Dreamland D-Lister

[9/10 · 1 April 2024]

In a world where your dreams usually consist of showing up to work naked or realizing you've inexplicably missed every math class for a semester, "Dream Scenario" offers a comedic respite. Here, our protagonist, Paul Matthews, a biology professor whose biggest ambition seems to be becoming a figure of authority in dreams worldwide, embarks on a journey that not even Freud could've predicted. With every nap taken around the globe, Paul's face becomes more recognizable than the Coca-Cola logo, turning him into the involuntary B-list celebrity of the subconscious. Who knew that being emotionally unavailable in people's dreams could catapult you to such dubious fame? Four-and-a-half stars for making me want to never meet this man, even in my sleep.

The film takes us on a rollercoaster of emotions, from the hilariously tragic attempt to reenact an assistant's erotic dream-leading to an explosive (quite literally) climax-to the absurdity of dream advertising, where Sprite and existential dread go hand in hand. The scene where Paul, dressed in an oversized suit à la David Byrne, attempts to rescue his estranged wife in her dream, only to end up floating aimlessly into the ether, is cinematic gold. It's a poignant reminder that sometimes, even in our dreams, we can't escape the reality of our shortcomings. Props to the wardrobe department for that suit, by the way. It's not every day you get to see a man's existential crisis dressed in big shoulder pads.

"Dream Scenario" is a satirical masterpiece that brilliantly critiques our obsession with fame, the media, and the ridiculousness of modern life. The movie's descent from dreamy cameos to a public brawl in a diner, followed by a self-pitying apology video, paints a tragicomically accurate picture of viral fame's fleeting nature. And yet, amidst the chaos, there's a strange sense of relatability to Paul's character-a man who just wants to be seen as a hero, even if it's in a tacky, oversized suit. The film's ending, with Paul trying (and failing) to be the dream hero he always wanted to be, serves as a bittersweet conclusion to this fever dream of a movie. Here's to hoping my next dream cameo is a bit more glamorous, but just as entertaining.

The Truth vs. Alex Jones (2024)

Truth, Lies, and the Art of Turning Courtrooms into Circuses

[10/10 · 31 March 2024]

Five stars - because if there's anything the world needs, it's more proof that reality can, indeed, out-weird fiction. 'The Truth vs Alex Jones' dives headfirst into the bizarre, often darkly comedic world of conspiracy theories, with Alex Jones as its unhinged ringmaster. The documentary does the impossible: making you laugh, cringe, and facepalm all within the span of a single scene. It's like watching a car crash in slow motion; you know it's going to be a disaster, but you just can't look away.

The real stars of the show, however, are the families of the Sandy Hook victims, who display a level of patience and resilience that borders on superhuman. They face Jones's circus of falsehoods with the stoicism of saints and the savvy of seasoned lawyers. There's a particularly gripping scene where a lawyer, armed with nothing but a projector and a stack of emails, dismantles a conspiracy theory while Jones looks on, sweat gathering on his brow like a guilty schoolboy caught in a lie. It's courtroom drama meets reality TV, but with higher stakes and better vocabulary.

In a world where truth often seems stranger than fiction, 'The Truth vs Alex Jones' serves as a timely reminder of the power of facts, the importance of empathy, and the absolute necessity of a good legal team. Watching it, you'll find yourself oscillating between disbelief, amusement, and a newfound appreciation for the mundane reality that, thankfully, most of us inhabit. It's a wild ride through the looking glass of America's conspiracy culture, and like all good documentaries, it leaves you a little wiser, a lot more bewildered, and wondering what on earth you just watched.

Irish Wish (2024)

When Fairy Dust Settles on a Rom-Com Wreck

[3/10 · 30 March 2024]

In an era where the cinematic landscape is riddled with clichés and recycled plots, "Irish Wish" (2024) bravely takes up the mantle of being... exactly that. The film follows Maddie Kelly, a lovelorn editor caught in a messy love square with her best friend, a brooding author, and a charming Englishman. It's a tale that attempts to blend whimsical Irish folklore with modern-day romantic entanglements but ends up feeling like a leprechaun-sized misadventure in storytelling.

Firstly, the film's reliance on the mystical wishing bench plot device feels less like a nod to Irish folklore and more like a desperate grasp at narrative straws. The whole affair of swapping fiancés, bumbling through countryside escapades, and the bewildering introduction of Saint Brigid as a fairy character gives the impression that the script was penned during a particularly vivid fever dream. One can't help but ponder if the fairy was also responsible for the bewildering decision-making that permeates the plot, leaving viewers wishing for a plot twist that would somehow make it all make sense.

Moreover, the character development-or the stark lack thereof-is particularly jarring. Maddie's journey from secret admirer to punch-throwing bride-to-be and back is as dizzying as it is devoid of any meaningful growth. The supporting cast is relegated to mere plot devices, with each twist more predictable than the last. The film tries to sell itself on the charm of Irish scenery and the allure of forbidden love, but even the lush landscapes of Ireland can't mask the thinness of its premise. The final act, which is intended to be a climactic unraveling of emotions and revelations, feels more like a hurried attempt to tie up loose ends, leaving viewers with more questions than answers-like why anyone thought a fight scene at a wedding was the romantic payoff we needed.

In conclusion, "Irish Wish" fails to enchant, instead delivering a jumbled narrative that's as confusing as it is forgettable. It attempts to weave together romance, comedy, and folklore but ends up as a tangled mess that not even Saint Brigid could fix. The film's greatest accomplishment may be its ability to unite audiences in a collective head-scratch, wondering how their wish for a charming romantic comedy got so lost in translation.

Capturing the Killer Nurse (2022)

A Not-Quite Killer Review of 'Capturing the Killer Nurse'

[7/10 · 29 March 2024]

"Capturing the Killer Nurse" is the kind of documentary you watch with a bucket of popcorn, only to realize halfway through that maybe popcorn wasn't the right choice for a film about a nurse who's less about the TLC and more about the R. I. P. It's an okay watch-think of it as a true crime podcast but with visuals, so you no longer have to imagine what everyone looks like. The documentary does a commendable job of laying out the timeline and facts, like a Wikipedia article with a budget for dramatic reenactments and suspenseful music scores.

However, the film struggles to find its unique voice in the crowded room of true crime documentaries. It's like going to a costume party and finding out three other people wore the same "Killer Nurse" outfit. You appreciate the effort, but wish there was a bit more originality in the presentation. The interviews, reconstructions, and archival footage are all well and good, but they never quite elevate the material beyond the expected tropes. It's akin to a chef meticulously recreating a classic dish but forgetting that secret ingredient that makes you say, "Wow, I need the recipe!"

In the end, "Capturing the Killer Nurse" earns a solid 3.5 stars. It's the documentary equivalent of a B-minus student: reliable, does what's expected, but won't particularly astonish you with new insights or methods. You'll walk away informed, perhaps a little entertained, but unlikely to rush to your friends to discuss it. It's the perfect background noise for folding laundry or scrolling through your phone-capable of capturing your attention in brief spurts, but not guilty of stealing your entire evening.

Road House (2024)

Roundhouse Wrecks

[5/10 · 29 March 2024]

Ah, "Road House" (2024), the film that tried to high-kick its way into our hearts but ended up stubbing its toe on the coffee table of cinematic grace. Here's the deal: if you wanted a masterclass in over-the-top action sequences and the kind of plot twists that make you go "huh?", this is your ticket. Our troubled hero, Elwood Dalton, plays a game of "how many action clichés can we fit into two hours?" Spoiler alert: it's a lot.

Firstly, the Florida Keys setting screams "retirement plan," but for Dalton, it's more of a "fight-till-you-can't-stand" kind of deal. His bouncer gig is less "throwing out drunks" and more "throwing down with motorcycle gangs" - yep, they went there. Dalton's relationship with the locals and his houseboat shenanigans could've been an interesting thread, but instead, we get crocodile cameos and medical meet-cutes that make you wonder if anyone remembered the script. The film's pacing is akin to a UFC fighter on a heavy dose of sedatives, somehow both frenetic and drowsy.

And the final act? It's like someone put the storyboard in a blender. Dalton's past is as dark as the murky waters surrounding his houseboat, and Brandt's big bad villain reveal is about as shocking as finding out your grandma's into bingo. The climactic battle royale feels like the director remembered he had a budget to burn. You've got boat chases, bomb detonations, and an antagonist with the survival skills of a cockroach in a nuclear fallout. The bus pulling away from this chaos is probably the most believable thing in the film - anyone would flee this storyline.

In conclusion, "Road House" (2024) is a spectacle, but not the kind you'd proudly display. It's more the sort you hide in the attic and occasionally bring out to show your friends that "hey, it could be worse." The film's efforts to blend action, drama, and romance is as smooth as sandpaper on sunburn. A 2.5-star rating might seem generous, but hey, for all its faults, at least it made the roadhouse itself the real star of the show. After all, who doesn't love a place where every night is fight night?