I went in with ultra-low expectations because I think Robert Pattison is a god-awful actor and, this film took my expectations and made me promptly realise that, you can always go lower.
I'm actually angry I wasted 3 hours of my life (and trust me, every minute of that time was felt).
However, let's have some positives: cinematography is great and the music is fantastic. The opening scenes with The Batman made me think, I was going to have another Heath moment and be forced to eat my words because those opening scenes are indeed something special.
But then the film gets going. Part "Saw" rip-off and so desperately wants to be "Se7en" in its execution, the story dragged. You don't care about any of the characters and I found myself pining for Clooney and his bat-nipples and Mr. Freeze.
What I found really funny though is the producer of this utter mess got in touch with Nolan and warned him, "We're going to make a better Batman than you." No. Just no.
Like the last Lord of The Rings film, this has an ending that just keeps on coming. Something wraps up and you start to get ready to leave, the film continues. Something else is wrapped up and you think, "That's it..." and it keeps going.... Something else, and on and on and on...
I can see why the guy in the seat nearby racked up a massive line of coke and snorted it midway through (and no, I'm not joking... Welcome to Southampton).
With regards to the plank of wood.... Sorry... "Pattison". In the initial scenes I was genuinely excited. Never a fan of his costume before, seeing it here - suddenly I "got it". He proper beats down on someone in a vicious attack. They get back up... In fact, everyone he bat-punches gets back up and just attacks him from behind again. There's no real threat here. When Bale smacked someone down, they stayed dead. But then, when Bale stripped off (same as Affleck), they were built. Robert looked like me and I look like Mr. Burns from The Simpsons. A skeletal mess with no beef there whatsoever. In fact, when Robert bent over in one topless scene, his bones stuck out and I thought wings were going to pop out. But then, why wouldn't they when he infamously said he refused to bulk up for the role (I would have sacked him there and then).
His time as Bruce is strictly limited - thank God - so you can't really judge him for that. As Bruce he just stands there and looks confused. As The Batman, by the end he became a parody. His Batman voice changed to the same sound as the joke Batman in the college humour videos (A is for Alfred = genius). When he was mad, it just look like he was pulling a cum-face. And don't even get me started on the Adrian Mole diary keeping that's going in with the voice-over narration.
Honestly, with the exception of the opening ten minutes or so, I have never hated a film so much as I did this and given I went in with low expectations, even I am surprised at how fuming I am at myself for wasting my time on it.
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