steve-1297 Reviews

Left Behind (I) (2014)

Wow! Just... Wow..!

[1/10 · 23 October 2014]

I simply don't know where to start. This is - without doubt - the worst pile of steaming garbage I've sat through since I first saw Tommy Wiseau's 'The Room'. Tommy's crown is still safe - his meisterwerk is still the worst film I've ever seen, but Nick Cage and the gang give Tommy a damn good run for his money.

The direction is ham-fisted, the acting is wooden, the plot (such as it is) is badly handled; and the sticky, gooey, syrupy melodrama is ladled on with such reckless abandon that I fear you might quite possibly develop type two diabetes from simply watching this sugary tripe.

From the moment the 'innocents' disappear, to the final shot of our three heroes standing side-by-side beside the plane crash, this film is a complete and utter turkey. Many left the theatre, many stayed and laughed. I just sat there and wondered how on earth this production got the green light. It is a staggeringly bad movie.

Sphere (1998)

Beware, me hearties - there be scurvy bilge a'plenty

[3/10 · 8 September 2014]

WARNING - SPOILERS

Who on earth managed to talk Hoffman, Stone and Jackson into taking part in this dreadful hogwash? I can only assume the cheques were mighty indeed.

The story seems to be a clumsy mash-up of almost every sci-fi or horror film you can think of: Event Horizon, 2001, Andromida Strain, The Shining, The Abyss, Alien - even the TV series Red Dwarf (Back to Reality & Better Than Life) gets shoehorned in. The list just goes on and on. In fact, this film could have a decent second life as a board game. Contestants simply spot yet another cinematic reference to get their next roll of the dice.

The film's jarringly episodic editing and the lack of any coherent narrative flow makes me suspect a great deal of this clunker was left on the cutting room floor; and that, trust me, is a good thing. I just wish they'd left a great deal more of it there.

The plot is trite, the action is dull, the dialogue is dreadful, the characterisations are poor, the direction is ham-fisted and the entire thing is badly miscast. The cast seem to be improvising quite a bit, and although I have seen this work very well in other settings, I'm afraid here it just looked like a bad night at the your local amateur dramatic society.

And then, just when you think this film couldn't possibly get any worse - WARNING! MAJOR SPOILER ALERT! - they simply use their shiny new super powers to make everything OK. I mean, jeez, c'mon guys!

It's a dreadful clunker; it really is. Best avoided.

Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels (1998)

What moron told Guy Ritchie he had any talent?

[3/10 · 15 September 2012]

This is a truly dreadful film. Every tired and overused cockney cliché is slotted firmly into place; the acting is terrible, the script is staggeringly lame and the plot is tedious; the cinematography is embarrassingly naff and the direction is wannabe ham-fisted fumbling; the characters are all two-dimensional cardboard cut-outs (Nick the Greek, fer Chrissakes - a five-year-old could be more original) and it was very hard to give a damn about any of them.

It's been a long time since I've seen anything as this bad. I honestly can think of anything good to say about it. This is a truly dreadful film.

Source Code (2011)

Could have been so much better

[6/10 · 14 August 2011]

This could have been a very good film. In fact, for most of its runtime it really is a very good film. It's an ingenious thriller that rattles along at a decent pace and it kept me thoroughly engaged. In addition, the love interest really works and the on-screen chemistry between the two leads is beautifully handled - kudos to all concerned.

Things get even better as the film moves towards a genuinely touching conclusion and a beautiful final scene. I'll admit, I was impressed. And then...

--- SPOILER ALERT ---

...Sadly it's not the final scene and the film dribbles on into the inevitable crass Hollywood ending. It's a terrible coda that's as predictable as it is depressing. Did the director lose his nerve? Did the money boys demand a happy ending? I really don't know, but this film could have been so much better.

The Day the Earth Stood Still (2008)

Is this the emotion you humans call... love?

[4/10 · 26 December 2008]

Oh dear... The day after the day after tomorrow when the earth's screenwriters stood still.

This really is a dreadful piece of film making. The plot has more holes than my grandpa's string vest and the acting is appalling; the script is terrible and the direction is dull and plodding.

On the surface we seem to be faced with the usual Hollywood "save the planet" Liberal agenda. However, on closer inspection, this film seemed to have an underlying message that I found quite distasteful and not a little disturbing: i.e. we shouldn't worry our pretty little heads about the environment and we can all carry on as normal because "only when humans are on the precipice will we change and do the right thing" (I'm paraphrasing here as I'm certainly not gonna watch this piece of crap again simply to get the quote right).

As another comment on this site says, it's as if the filmmakers are intentionally trying to keep the audience passive by giving the impression that love and/or a simple quick fix will eventually save the day. I found this "carry on regardless" message quite worrying, although it probably does explain the less than subtle product placement...

File next to Spielberg's War Of The Worlds remake - i.e. in the nearest trash can

The Kingdom (2007)

left a very bad taste

[2/10 · 8 March 2008]

this is a nasty, reprehensible, squalid little film. It's not often that I walk out of a cinema in disgust, but this film managed to make me do just that. Everyone involved in this exploitative enterprise should be throughly ashamed of themselves.

I'm not sure which depresses me more: the appalling nature of this film or the astonishingly high number of positive reviews it has acquired on this site.

I guess this sort of neo-con, wish fulfillment bull crap will always appeal to a certain Rambo-type audience, but the combination of a complete moral vacuum wrapped up with terrible dialogue, clichéd characters and hack cinematography was way too much for me to stomach.

Run Fatboy Run (2007)

Dreadful, tedious, by-the-numbers Rom-Com

[3/10 · 24 February 2008]

This really could have been written by committee. The plot is ridiculous and contrived, the script is painfully predictable, the characters are two-dimensional cardboard cut-outs, and the film's pay-off is painfully obvious from the beginning. I guess I didn't expect too much more from Schwimmer (I'm sure he'll get better with experience), but Pegg really should know better.

This is a pretty feeble effort by all concerned, which, at times, is so cloyingly smothered in saccharine that you almost expect an irate Richard Curtis to appear, demanding royalties and screaming about breach of copyright.

3/10

Crossroads (I) (2002)

a work of towering genius

[1/10 · 16 December 2005]

This movie is a work of pure genius - it's a masterpiece! This movie is a testament to the staggering power of the human intellect. I don't care what the credits might say, it is obvious to me that this staggeringly gifted, towering work of art was written and directed by none other than Christopher Guest, Michael McKean and Rob Reiner - no other team - NO OTHER TEAM - could possibly generate such an astonishingly funny and yet shockingly accurate satire of Hollywood's "quick let's exploit a photogenic no-talent bimbo before the public wakes up and realises she has absolutely no talent whatsoever" genre. 1/10 and that (trust me) is being very, very generous. If you're ever trapped on a plane and you're faced with the choice of watching this film or eating the contents of a fellow traveller's sick-bag - Chow down, buddy. Chow down

28 Days Later (2002)

low budget post-apocalyptic drama plays out by the numbers

[4/10 · 7 February 2005]

WARNING - SPOILERS! Contrived, tedious and derivative. Large parts of this film are so utterly devoid of imagination that only my faint hopes of watching the deeply irritating leading man suffer a hideous and hopefully prolonged fate kept me watching. Director Danny Boyle has a strong background in television and this film looks like a TV movie shot on low budget DV. The plot draws heavily on "Survivors"; an old BBC post-apocalyptic drama series that routinely displayed far more imagination and invention than this rather feeble effort. The cast are adequate for the undemanding roles they are required to play and the story unfolds strictly by the numbers. It might have made the grade as a TV pilot and would make a reasonable 'Friday-night-in-with-a-pizza' movie, but as a cinematic experience this film leaves a lot to be desired. 4/10

Being There (1979)

This is an astonishing film

[9/10 · 5 December 2004]

WARNING: SPOILERS! This is an astonishing film. I sat through 'Being There' chuckling at Seller's wonderful 'Zen-like' performance, enjoying its gently satirical look at the vacuous nature of political debate, safe in the knowledge that I was in on the joke: Chance is an idiot but the real idiots are almost everyone else in the film who see profundity when they're given pap.

And then, in a scene that completely flips the film on its head, Chance walks on water! That scene is the cinematographic equivalent of staring at one of those stereograms when the hidden 3D image suddenly leaps out at you. It's a shocking moment, beautifully handled, and you're immediately forced to question everything you've seen in the film and your assumptions about it: why does Chance have no concept of time? Is it because an eternal being wouldn't need one? When Eve makes a pass at Chance is he being tempted by, and tested against, original sin? Was the Washington Cop who, we assume, is calling in a report of a simpleton on the loose, actually compelled to do exactly what Chance told him to do? Does Chance speak Russian? How? Is this because all the tongues of man are as one to him? Does Chance have the power to decide when the time is right for Ben to die? Did the 'old man' meet a similar fate, and does Chance lay his hand on the old man's forehead to see if he is cold or to bless him?

If we accept that Chance has indeed revealed his divinity to us then the whole film flips once more and takes on a far darker aspect. Is the decline in the Presidents powers linked to the rise of Chance? Is his TV broadcast the modern equivalent of the 'sermon on the mount'? And, crucially, is all his talk of gardening a chilling metaphor for the immanent fate of mankind?

A shepherd might be content to tend his flock, but Chance is a gardener, and he might have a great deal of pruning and weeding to do before Eden – his garden - is restored to its former glory. A great film that fully deserves its high ranking. 9/10.

Carry on Screaming! (1966)

Whereabouts, hereabouts, thereabouts, roundabouts, layabouts

[7/10 · 11 November 2004]

Possibly the finest of the Carry On series, this film benefits hugely from the acting talents of the late, great Harry H. Corbett and the fabulously sexy Fenella Fielding. These two provide the usual Sid James / Barbara Windsor roles but play them with far more subtlety and aplomb than usual. Talbot Rothwell delivers a fine screenplay that beautifully lampoons Hammer Horror films while Kenneth Williams, Jim Dale and Peter Butterworth serve up great supporting performances. Jim Dale is worth a special mention here as a great physical comedian who never really received the recognition he deserved for his 'full body' comedy – he could teach the over rated Jim Carey a thing or two. 'Screaming', along with 'Khyber' and 'Cleo' remain great British comedies that have outlived the contempt and snobbery that was initially hurled against them to emerge as fine examples British cinema and humour. 7/10.

The Banger Sisters (2002)

A messy directorial debut

[5/10 · 9 November 2004]

This film is a bit of a mess. It feels like two projects (Hawn - Rush and Hawn - Sarandon) stitched together because someone felt that neither storyline was able to stand on its own. This, unfortunately, results in a film that fails to satisfactorily develop either story or explore the relationships they contain.

Bob Dolman is still a novice and I've certainly seen worse directorial debuts. However, the scene containing the valedictorian speech is dreadful both in terms of script and direction, and easily provides the lowest and silliest point of the whole movie. As writer/director Mr Dolman can't escape responsibility for this.

The characterisations are all paper-thin and I found it hard to care about any of them. Hollywood's usual 'liberal good - conservative bad' (or certifiably insane) agenda is present and correct but executed with ham-fisted incompetence. However, 5/10 because it did make me smile.

The Fourth Angel (2001)

more holes than a pair of fishnet stockings

[4/10 · 8 November 2004]

I can't believe some of the scores this film is getting on the IMDb website! Have I been issued with the Special Edition naff version? Edited by Dewhurst, produced by Bernard Matthews, this film should be housed in Battersea. I'm sorry for all the UK-centric references but if you're elsewhere and you've got no toenails to cut or you haven't got a beer mat collection to catalogue then this film might just be worth 90 mins of your remaining lifespan (as long as you haven't got any paint to watch drying). The plot has more holes than a pair of fishnet stockings and the direction and editing is astonishingly ham fisted. What on earth is Irons doing in this film?

The Big Blue (1988)

It's certainly not Free Willy

[7/10 · 30 April 2004]

First, let's be clear about which version we're dealing with: if you're offered the US edition 119 minute cut with a happy ending and a Bill Conti soundtrack - walk away, quickly. If it's the 132 minute French cut with English subtitles and the original and superior Eric (I've been listening to too many Peter Gabriel albums) Sierra soundtrack. Well, that'll do nicely. However, if you like your bleu to be grand then check out the magnificent directors cut which runs to just over 160 minutes and has been well worth the wait. It's a beautifully shot film that really needs to be seen in a cinema to be fully appreciated. The sea is the star of this movie but Jean Reno, Jean-Marc Barr and Rosanna Arquette put in good supporting performances. Jean Reno's character has an adversarial relationship with the sea. He measures himself against it; he needs to prove his mastery, his superiority. Jacques' (Jean-Marc Barr's character - insert your own Cousteau joke here) relationship with the sea is far more complex: As a child his mother abandoned him to cross the sea; his father left him when he drowned in the sea. Jacques is drawn by, obsessed with and at home in the sea. Perhaps it's a surrogate womb to replace the mother that left him, or maybe it's a haven from the harsh realities of his life on land. Even as an adult Jacques is awkward and inarticulate on land but graceful and expressive in the water. Besson beautifully illustrates this relationship when Jacques realises he's falling in love with Rosanna Arquette's character. After making love he leaves her bed and spends the night in the sea, finding complete spiritual and physical satisfaction; cleansing himself of his infidelity. Part romance, part comedy, and part drama. This film takes a dark turn towards the end as the various physical and psychological relationships resolve themselves and Besson leaves us with an ending that fades into inky black ambiguity. 8.5 / 10.