je-remy Reviews

Overboard (1987)

Writers don't seem to know what rape is

[1/10 · 9 December 2023]

A guy claims an amnesiac, whom he does a handyman job for, as his wife, makes her his house slave, forceably kisses her, and later takes her to bed after she's fallen for him. But he has muscles so its all okay and we can make a comedy of it.

In real life we're talking serious jail time for modern day slavery and rape.

The remake, which I haven't seen, is by the same people and does a gender reversal. You'll have guessed I won't be watching it.

Here's a non-rape version. Quickly penned:

The handyman and rich lady take a car journey to get the cedar wood. (The characters aren't so obnoxious and she's probably unmarried.)

There's a crash and they both get amnesia. (Alt version, they're just amnesiacs in the same ward from two different accidents)

His kids arrive at hospital, are missing their real mum who recently died, and claim her as Mom. (Alt version 2: the kids are orphans and don't belong to either)

The kids take them home and wrap them round their little fingers.

The adults are pushed together and fall in love

Memories return, the kids confess but all is forgiven: after all they're just kids missing their Mom.

(Alt version 3: they're all in a crash including the kids. Everyone's an amnesiac)

That took me minutes... its open source... no copyright claimed... its free, including for the writers of this cringe, if they want a third try...

John Wick (2014)

7.4 - you gotta be kidding!

[1/10 · 10 October 2022]

Could only bare to watch part of this. It begins with a "pat the dog" sequence... which is the name given to a cliché writing device where the protagonist is made to seem a good guy who you can empathise with. This film... it is literally patting the dog... except its extended into the biggest, longest, most literal pat the dog sequence ever.

Then there's the contradiction between

A) The guy who is surprised in his own home and beaten up. No burglar alarms... doesn't hear them, zero instincts. Just beaten up.

B) Moments later the super-assassin who embarks on a revenge spree where he has eyes in the back of his head... shoots dead dozens of people in a way that is so badly choreographed that it looks like... choreography. So why couldn't he do any of that in part A)?

I got as far as that and bailed.

I bought this on DVD for 9p in a charity shop... can see why it was there... and its going back soon...

Hustle (2004–2012)

Con artists aren't nice guys you'd want to be

[1/10 · 14 January 2022]

This series is a fanciful nauseating normalization of crime - that could only encourage it. We are expected to think its cool to go out onto the streets of London and commit various crimes against ordinary people in the episode on which I quit the show.

We're expected to admire their skill as if it was an episode of the Apprentice. They're fancifully not caught despite committing numerous crimes in broad daylight seen by stacks of people.

In another episode, despite being beaten up, next moment they just have scratches, are all smiling, and it was all a clever plan.

They're actually nice guys really... the lovable rogues that don't exist in reality. Con artists leave a trail of destruction as they sociopathically leech off others. And the series is sociopathic too - as it entirely ignores consequences in this fantasy ethically-void cartoon-like caricature.

Sleeper Cell (2005–2006)

Too much reveal, no tension.

[1/10 · 24 December 2020]

We're told everything up front from the start in episode one... like who the mole is. No guessing games for the audience, encompassing lots of tension, followed by a later reveal - as in 24 season one. Here its all set out for us.

Complete lack of realism... there's a stereotypical evil character who kills one of his own because he made a clumsy phone call to an uncle. The other underlings would really want to stick around in that group wouldn't they: not. At the same time he overlooks the mole challenging his authority and welcomes him to the group. That's after having already told him they're a terrorists group straight off despite being unsure about him. They even hand out vials to do with anthrax to everyone.

The twist that the mole isn't going to be executed at the dig - but someone else - is so predictable its not a twist, its a groan. Disappointing, and hard to believe anyone would be gripped by something so lacking in demands from its audience. Fifteen minutes through episode 2 on DVD I turned it off.

Alias: Authorized Personnel Only: Part 1 (2005) Season 4, Episode 1

Every scene a cliché...

[2/10 · 19 September 2020]

This episode was my introduction to Alias as I picked up Season 4 in a charity shop and it had on the box what I go on... lots of stars.

I expected it to be good. I really wanted it to be good - I had nothing else to watch. Even so, I bailed out with this episode.

Alias is ridden with clichés. One of the most annoying is the involvement of family members of the main character - supposedly making the stakes higher for them. This has been done to death.

Hanging out of a train trying not to fall while someone cuts at the strap/rope - who hasn't seen that done to death a zillion times.

You're doing secret underworld spy-type business and a women appears in your sleeper train carriage who has also got a ticket. Instead of suspecting that might be a tad too much of a coincidence... you are completely taken in and open your secret briefcase to show this mysterious woman who just turned up everything. Come on!

Back to the charity shop it goes...

Homeland: Prisoners of War (2020) Season 8, Episode 12

Forget cryptography... handwrite a note in plain English

[3/10 · 25 August 2020]

Never mind centuries of cryptography, clever algorithms, unbreakable one-time pads... handwrite your secret messages and put them in the spine of a book. No code... plain English... like a Christmas cracker joke... stick the book in the mail. Are you serious? Not even A=Z, B=FFFFing Y.

This season was a let down... the other seven, mostly gripping... I became a fan. After this season I wouldn't particularly care about watching a ninth - if there is ever to be one. Carrie goes from being the smart one, to the repeatedly duped dumb blonde - who somehow manages to stumble to success anyway. The other characters are mostly ciphers - even the lead Russian had little actual character development. Lousy plot lines... the only thing I was rooting for was the end... not for Carrie... not in this season...

28 Days Later (2002)

Sudden tranformation into Tarzan

[1/10 · 5 February 2020]

Ordinary not-well-built civilian wakes up in a hospital to discover the Zombie apocalypse happened. Then in the space of a few days he becomes an expert Zombie-killer with a baseball bat... finally transforming into a Tarzan-like character... semi-naked and unarmed taking out a squad of soldier-rapists and rescuing his new found friends. This is facilitated by some very helpful Zombies... at one point the girl reverses a Land-rover with a baddie in the back... the Zombies break the rear window and drag him out and she drives off...

One annoying thing is that In the midst of this Zombie nightmare they manage to have interludes of fun... be cheerful, mess around, enjoy themselves, and just after narrowly-escaping death... taunt the Zombies.

They have incredible luck... like happening on a well stocked store with perfectly ripe fruit and not a single rat. There are rats... a huge horde of them... but they leave the store alone and stick to dark tunnels. Dark tunnels are where the infected Zombies live along with the rats... but luckily the rats don't have the virus. That's so lucky because had they had the virus the rats could have bitten our heroes to pieces and ended the story there.

Our hero gets covered in blood during his Stallone-like rampage... blood is the thing that spreads the virus... and his face is the last thing you'd want to kiss. But the woman he saves doesn't care: they smooch... and smooch... and smooch. At the start of the film she was the Zombie-killing expert... and he was struggling to climb stairs... but then it switched and she was the one who needed to be rescued and we got back to the traditional damsel-in-distress gender stereotyping...

I could go on... and on... and on...

Definitely, Maybe (2008)

Narcissism Paraded as Love

[6/10 · 8 November 2015]

I enjoyed this movie but the explanation for why he kept the book at the end was totally lame. The only thing he had left of her... well, she's still living... she's still his friend... he can ring. He wouldn't have like a Christmas card she signed just for him? She would never have given him a present over all the years - despite arranging this big birthday party for him with everyone at it.

This is the thing she's searching for for years. She's still searching for it while he's holding on to it. This is narcissism not love. This is an insensitive character who doesn't pick up on obvious signals - cause he's all about himself. He's even obnoxious when she tells him to get his act together - to help him.

This movie is the kind of "love" that wants someone around cause they do it for you. And even then, they weren't at the top of the list. The caring for someone else's needs bit of a relationship isn't demonstrated on the male side.

The searching for the book idea is interesting, but it collapses the whole movie at the end.

Road to Perdition (2002)

Spoiled by a predictable ending.

[5/10 · 8 March 2015]

By predictable I mean, PREDICTABLE. There is good cinematography, good performances... a lot of talent has been expended on this film. Yet its undermined by a pile of movie clichés and predictabilities that pile in, particularly at the end.

Things really began to disintegrate for me with the implausible Tommy-gun massacre. Nobody runs for cover, nobody is wounded. Everyone is shot dead. At that distance. With a very inaccurate Tommy gun. "What!", I thought. Except of course the main gangster. Who just stands there... and is suddenly fearlessly reconciled to being shot dead. Going out without any trepidation... just a dramatic line for his last words.

This is only topped by the PREDICTABLE ending. Possibly the most predictable one I've ever seen. How can you not know who is going to turn up? And yes he does. And the 12 year old kid who manages to become a getaway driver for his father suddenly can't pull a gun trigger to save his life. And the villain does the usual give-me-the-gun while slowly stepping towards him routine. Cliché after cliché after cliché.

24: Live Another Day (2014)

Not as good as hoped for

[6/10 · 17 February 2015]

My disappointment may be partly due to watching on a TV rather than my projector which packed up. Much more impact on a big screen, so I recommend one. I got hooked and bought all the other series on DVD, and now this the latest. And had high hopes.

People's high score may be skewed by existing fans being most drawn to watch and score. It wasn't available on the main channels here in the UK. Only Sky - and then on DVD.

The main weakness is the plot repetition. We've had the override device before. We've also had Jack being taken away at the end of the series ... that was REALLY predictable. Thankfully the family-peril cliché wasn't used this time. No sign of Kim. Only one "running out of time" from Jack that I noticed. And nobody said "I understand" that I noticed. Everyone understands in the other series! Its the most sticking out over-used phrase for me.

I didn't experience any kind of bonding with Jack's sidekick. Not clear who and why he was there. Very underdeveloped.

Jack himself has clearly aged. The character's cleverness and thinking ability less used in this series. Helpful clues just appear on cue. He's not a good role model. He murders people. He threatens to kill people on his own side... a piece of Neanderthal strutting they always accept... and back down to. Domestic abusers might relate to that behavior but I don't. He gets angry and becomes even more of a killing machine. Another device we've had before. In reality the anger would more likely lead to him making a mistake.

Whilst, yes, its a must watch for any 24 fan. It isn't one of the best 24 series. New viewers might be better starting with the earlier series. The best bit for me was the short "Solitary" bit on the DVD extras with Tony Almeida hinting at his return in the future.

Mojave Moon (1996)

Passable with turn-offs

[5/10 · 2 February 2015]

Its full of clichés and full of parody but the plot is not predictable... which makes this a passable, meandering, not-quite-sure-what-next film. There's some amusement here, but not enough.

The two turn-offs:

1. Jolie and her allure are a big part of the movie... but she is mismatched with Aiello. A much older guy or gal is fine, so long as they still match in attractiveness. Aiello isn't handsome enough for there to be any plausibility with Jolie. The promiscuous kissing, particularly between those two, gets a yuk from me.

2. The shootout scene where nobody can hit anybody and the garage guy doesn't have to take cover... is too extreme a parody in the context of the film. Taken to that extent of silliness in a movie like "Airplane", it might work. In this one it just knocked me out of the film... with mutterings or ridiculous... destroyed any suspension of disbelief... and had me deciding whether to find another DVD. I did persist - and had just about forgotten it by the end - but without that scene, the movie might climb a whole star.

Two Ninas (1999)

Too cynical for me

[5/10 · 12 February 2014]

High ratings... I guess if your values can flex in this make-believe world to overlook the two timing. For me, the stumbling-into-two-relationships thing didn't work. More cynical than a stumble - that duration of deceit. If it was less prolonged. If he maybe made a decision before he decided which one to sleep with. That would have made a stronger movie IMO. The character would have remained sympathetic and I'd be empathising with the dilemma.

Instead I'm thinking... he's sleeping with two women - and well, that's bad. I mean... it is... despite the lame (and shouted) excuses the movie thinks are enough.

I knew the car was coming back at the end - very predictable. Maybe people are thinking happy ever after. I'm thinking rocky road to a break. A relationship damaged already. He's a cynical piece of work. And she's a doormat.

The movie is worth a few points for being thought provoking. But it fails at the most basic level - I wasn't rooting for them to get together at the end - I just didn't care.

Recipe for Revenge (1998 TV Movie)

Made me smile

[7/10 · 7 February 2014]

A charming watchable romance despite its plot flaws. The main one of those comes near the end when the neighbour kidnaps the girl. Why, I asked myself, as I mentally shook my head, having enjoyed the film to that point? Motive? He's a neighbour who goes in any time he wants already. How is kidnapping and putting her in the loft ever gonna work! Too much plot writing to formula - the story already worked without this predictable twist.

And the murder mystery had a tad too much farce about it in the directing. But I'm nit picking - never mind those. The film is principally a romance and it comes up trumps for a change. Two devilishly attractive people forced together by serendipity slowly fall in love. Real character development... Charming, wonderful stuff.

Fourplay (2001)

Every bully, wife batterer, or abuser will love this movie

[1/10 · 31 January 2014]

The violence in this film is supposed (I presume) to be funny, but its just distasteful. Psychological studies show that people ARE influenced by violence on screen. If its portrayed in a positive/justified way then the people watching will be more likely to take violence on board as a way of solving things.

We're told in the film we shouldn't judge anyone too harshly. We should. We should judge a violent bully who just beats people up because they've said something he doesn't like. And not positively.

This is a caricature of violence. Any number of people have died in street violence from a single punch where they've hit their head on the ground. Its not some comedy event, where after several punches, they just have to get their breath back and rub themselves a little bit. If this was a madcap movie in the "Airplane" genre or an actual cartoon the film might have got away with it. But its neither of those.

There aren't any positive likable characters in this movie. That one is just the worst. There is no-one to root for or identify with in the film.

Every workplace bully, wife batterer, or abuser will love this movie - as they'll just feel validated by it. Its a movie for them, no-one else.

The Mistress of Spices (2005)

No way is that falling in love

[2/10 · 16 January 2014]

Was Dylan McDermott just the biggest 'name' actor they could afford? Young beautiful Aishwarya Rai Bachchan: according to her bio on IMDb "Crowned Miss India 1994 runner-up, she was a hot favorite in the run for miss world title". Its easy to see what McDermott's character sees in her. She is paired with old (12 years older) bearded, not that attractive at all, biker McDermott. He's about as suitable for her as a street tramp. It doesn't work. Even in terms of the plot - he does nothing that could possibly make her fall in love with him. He isn't even polite and respectful - he just sticks his grubby paw in some of her spices for example.

This is billed on the DVD as a romantic comedy. There is no comedy in this film... unless... and I don't like being this cruel... but the movie deserves it... unless you include laughing at it. The point where I did that was where she cuts her finger and she goes into the back. And he follows her (creepy), and saves her by telling her to put it under the tap. This is the Mistress of Spice who's got these amazing magical powers and can rustle up cures for everything and she's at the sink already... and he has to follow her to give her this amazing first aid tip everyone in the world knows about washing a cut! (Which of course conveniently means they get to be in close proximity for a moment. )

It has the cinematography, the colours, the visuals... an interesting underlying plot idea... but its not comedy, and its not a plausible romance either.

Serendipity (2001)

Aggressive performance spoils movie

[4/10 · 28 November 2013]

I can see why this got made - its one of those movies with a good idea that for me fails in the actualisation.

The time they spent together which was supposed to kick off the film... this amazing awesome wonderful time in a few hours didn't come across. Apart from Cusack's character claiming how great it was, it wasn't painted at all.

Cusack is miscast - he's not attractive enough for this sort of role IMO. And his aggressive performance through the film is very off-putting. Add to that his spending the time before his wedding chasing someone else - that firmly nails the coffin on any identification I could possibly have had with this character. The plot would have been much improved if he'd decided to end the fiancée relationship because he needed to look for this woman rather than be such a slime-ball.

Dangerous Affairs (1993)

Outdated

[3/10 · 27 September 2013]

My DVD cost 30p! And it was a double DVD too! I wasn't not expecting a good movie though cause the least popular ones aren't always the worst.

The movie doesn't start off bad. And some of the buddy dialogue is pretty good. Acting generally okay. Plot (writer who can't write a word) somewhat clichéd.

But AIDS isn't the shock horror thing it was in the 80s. And the chance of a bloke getting it from one sexual encounter with a woman isn't very high. So it all fell flat with me. Left me thinking how un-PC the attitude to HIV is (by today's standards) in the movie.

Worth an hour and a half... definitely not a recommend, no...

My Life Without Me (2003)

Concealing Cancer - possibly the worst thing you can do.

[1/10 · 30 November 2012]

People are unfortunately informed by movies - I hope anyone thinking of copying the not-telling part of this storyline really thinks again and take soundings from their oncologist etc. Its only anecdotal, one family I've experience of - but it didn't work for them.

Concealing the cancer meant that instead of it being something those left behind could adjust to with the person still there - to cry with, give support to etc. Instead it became a sudden death which is much harder to deal with once they've died.

In the film the character makes tapes of what she wants to say. But nobody gets the chance to tell her how precious she is to them. They're denied the chance to give support. Denied the chance to say how much they love her. Denied the chance to say and do all the things they'd want to do if they knew that person were dying. And left with a far more sudden death to cope with afterwards.

There are other criticisms I have of this film but they aren't important compared to this central premise being such a very dangerous one. Don't tell anybody and it'll be fine for them after you've died - NOOOO!

Last Days (2005)

Nothing happens in the first half an hour. NOTHING!

[1/10 · 3 November 2012]

I wasted about 30 minutes of my life watching this - that was all I could cope with. I don't want to even spend my life writing a review but it was *SO* bad I had to add my warning to the world.

Just look at all the other one scores - everything they say is TRUE. Yes TRUE.

It is probably the most dull, tedious, nothing-happening, paint-dryingly monotonous movie in human history. And it will possibly still come top if you add in alien histories too. Even if you wind the clock forward some billions to the end of time. Then add in all the other universes and multiverses and include everything ever made ever. Then I would guess it will STILL be up there in the top rank. REALLY.

I can only surmise that those who commented "Brilliant" and "A modern masterpiece" on the DVD cover were driven MAD by this movie. After 30 minutes I was heading there.

If you're fortunate enough not to have payed for this thing already - you have been WARNED.

(And don't think it sounds *SO* bad I must see it. Don't.

DON'T!!)

Kyon Ki... (2005)

Salman Khan's performance is half the problem

[5/10 · 27 September 2012]

This film has a lot going for it - the production values, the visuals, the songs, much of the story, two beautiful women. The two really big problems I have with it are Khan's inconsistent character portrayal and the most central plot point of the film.

One moment Salman Khan acts like a three year old with a comfort blanket, then he's a teenage jester, then he's supposedly an irresistible-to-women romantic catch. It would be one thing if there was some progression through all these in the film - but its back and forth between them.

Then there's the drowning. This is explained away by the practical jokes she played on him before. So we're supposed to accept throwing her in the pool when she's said she can't swim and walking off. "Its fate" apparently. Idiocy, I'd call it. Certainly doesn't match my idea of love. Others can overlook it, but I can't.

If you can put aside the central character being a childish self-centred idiot who drowns his supposed love, tries to strangle to death the next one's father, puts a hospital warder and his family into poverty. If you can overlook all else and just remember how handsome a superstar he supposedly is...

Love Actually (2003)

Only Richard Curtis could have made this film.

[3/10 · 31 August 2012]

Too many characters and stories and neither a natural nor a contrived but clever connection between them. Too many stories meaning there wasn't "a" story and no time for characters to develop. It looks like Curtis has used all his failed plot ideas - the ones he couldn't make a full movie out of - and fitted them in this. And some of them are truly dire.

Only Richard Curtis could have made this film - I imagine if anyone else wrote the same it would never pass a read. Its not really a film so much as one huge number of shorts intertwined.

The film begins with the same kind of voice-over that we saw in "Notting Hill". "That again" or "them again" is the main feeling I have with this film. It ends with the old character-in-a-race-to-catch-their-loved-one before they leave/to deliver a message - in not one but several of the stories. A tirade of swears is meant to be comedy. etc etc. Curtis uses all the old "tricks" we've already seen.

There was one story thread which I would have liked to see as the whole movie - the writer and the maid. Going into the water to look for the blown papers was about the only place in the film I laughed. Thus I've given it a 3 - without it, it would have been a 1 from me.

Ground Control (1998)

Drew me in

[7/10 · 5 August 2012]

This movie has glaring continuity errors. Like Sutherland tapping on a laptop which vacillates between being on and off.

And its clichés - the ex-air traffic controller involved in a previous disaster who's brought back to save the day. Groan. It really didn't need worn out clichés which only made me think "Airplane!". A regular guy in the job would have sufficed. And moments like the instant brewing romance lacked subtlety too.

Set those flaws aside though and this is a good movie. Most of the acting is convincing. And even though the plot is simple it kept my interest and had me rooting for them till the end.

Despite its flaws it drew me in. A simple story and for the most part, well told. Well worth watching.

The Perfect Sleep (2009)

Rewatchable

[8/10 · 27 July 2012]

The film is visually interesting, and has a plot that I found needed a second viewing to fully appreciate. Intellectually stimulating, really gripping make believe.

It is melodramatic and has its flaws. Some of the acting moments are weak, particularly from the lead actress in the finale. Others are superbly acted, and I thought the lead actor particularly well cast. As well as many of the supporting roles. There are gory moments and one particularly memorable chilling character.

Nit pickers won't find perfection here but this is one of few films I've enjoyed re-watching - three times now, and will probably do so again.

The Mother of Invention (2009)

Potential wasn't realised

[3/10 · 14 April 2012]

Despite it's budget this film is fine in terms of a lot of the elements of film making. Visually, sets, costume, and much of the acting were good. It also had potential in terms of it's plot. But it sunk on several fundamentals.

Most importantly, I lost any sympathy I might have had for the main character when he delivered his self-centered rant on being rejected by the cafe girl. I really wanted to bail out at that point. An obnoxious character is not one I'm going to root for. The movie sinks irredeemably with that scene.

A movie about an inventor also NEEDS some ingenious inventions - not the one's we've all already heard of.

Then there was slowness. A lot of the scenes dragged on for far too long. Too much hanging around on someone's face with nothing happened except them pulling expressions - no story value there.

It was absent of a lot of the cleverness and humor I was hoping for. Had it been actualised a lot better this could have been a cult movie - instead it misses it by a million miles.