Hazzer_99 Reviews

World's Most Dangerous Shark (2021– )

Five minutes of footage stretched over 45 minutes

[1/10 · 5 November 2022]

If David Attenborough chose to cover this, the entire episode of would last no more than five minutes and that's on a slow day. Apart from the fact that it is eye-gougingly boring and includes almost no noteworthy cinematography, it also does a pathetic job of actually answering the question in its title.

They explain the premise again and again, probably due to the original airing with intended trailer breaks, but it just makes the "documentary" even more frustrating to watch.

One of the worst documentaries I've watched in years, and far short of the usual Nat Geo standards. Free YouTube videos are many times better than this.

The Sandman (2022– )

They removed John Constantine and replaced him with Joanna.

[6/10 · 7 August 2022]

At a press event before The Sandman's premiere, Gaiman explained it was a conscious decision to cast a woman as Constantine, saying "The truth was, we talked about that during the initial sitting and having dinner before we pitched it to Netflix and everybody, that was one of the things that just sort of seemed to make sense. It was big and obvious that we were going to cast a woman."

Jenna Coleman may well portray her character well but that doesn't soften the blow when you have been waiting two years to see John Constantine on screen again.

The series is good otherwise, with an excellent performance by Dream.

I'll Always Know What You Did Last Summer (2006 Video)

Legendary in it's utter lameness - classic example of a crap second sequel

[3/10 · 13 October 2007]

In truth, this must be quite possibly the most predictable sequel I have ever seen in my life. It's become almost a fashion now for any and all sequels to just simply be rubbish. I don't know how or why, but I do know that it is one of those facts that everybody knows. Sequels are rarely if ever better than the original (T2 be the classic exception). But this film starts bad and gets continually worse with the predictability getting literally painful as you will find yourself screaming until your throat stings at the screen.

There are a number of pointers which make this film as bad as it is, and they are not surprisingly the exact same problems that haunt every other tacky horror film, but in this film they are present in spades. For one, you have all the stereotypical characters which straight from the outset make the film unbelievable. The tough-guy arsehole jock, who dates the lead girl at the beginning of the film. The lead girl who is pretty, but not the hottest, who thankfully doesn't scream as much as some of her counter parts. The loser who joins the group half way, turning out to be more likable than the arsehole jock would have you believe from the beginning. And the hot friend who serves as eye candy. And of course the deputy policeman who you suspect from the beginning as being a bad guy as he always turns up just after stuff goes down, but you never quite know.

All the characters, despite knowing for some time that the killer is definitely after them, continue to do mind blowingly ludicrous things like wander off on their own time and time again and sit in total darkness with a bottle of liqueur. This guy lives in the shadows, and yet they never turn the lights on. It's like they want to die. They're ALWAYS sitting on their own, wandering off in their own thoughts, swimming in a pool in the dead of night, sitting in an empty changing room, sitting at an empty bar, sitting in their empty bedroom. It's just so totally unrealistic. It's not horror when you are practically waiting for the guy to step out. There's no shock value.

The secret which involves an accidental death is blamed on the legend of the Fisherman and the kids cover it up, but they keep the secret fairly well. Considering they are pretty out the way in Colorado, it's hard to imagine how the Fisherman not only heard about it, but actually worked out who was involved. In fact, I deem it impossible. And of course, as he never talks, he never reveals how he found out. I didn't really realise this until later in the film, but it kind of ruins the whole idea if you think about it too hard.

Naturally The Fisherman is shot on two different occasions in the film. First time it's point black with a pump-action shotgun three times before he kills the wielder (there's bullet proof vests and then there's super human - this is just above and beyond any stupidity I have ever seen) and then again with a pistol about ten times. He always spasms when he's shot as if it's a bb gun. It was perhaps just about bearable in the first film. It was painful at the end of the second film that they didn't shoot him in the head. It was just so old that it's pathetic by this one. What is it with movie makers?! They're GUNS! You can't just shrug off bullets, vest or no vest! And why doesn't anybody EVER shoot for the head. People who don't shoot for the head basically deserve to die which must be, give or take, every horror film hero or heroine ever put to screen. Oh, and I don't remember The Fisherman having glowing red eyes and a zombified face in the other two films either.

It is one hundred percent predictable. You can accurately guess from the outset who will "survive", and to be honest by the end you really won't care if they die. I found myself straight-faced shaking my head in disappointment and total awe at about a dozen scenes of crass unrealism, and if you are the sort of person who can only enjoy a film if it is realistic, then avoid this one. If you're a casual movie watcher who doesn't mind if anything goes, then you might find it bearable. Directing was average, acting was average, score was average. Same old really. But the actual story was full on horror crap. If it's on TV, it's obviously worth a watch. It's not THAT bad, it's just by no means worth a buy.

But beware, if you were a fan of the original fisherman, he has changed. He's now got a more supernatural demeanour. Some may enjoy that - I personally prefer supernatural horror. But when it's the third of a trilogy of films it's not really fair to change the baddie just because the makers think people are getting bored. Had it been a killer in the box office it would be understandable, but instead it was one of those lost-in-the-machine movies which most people only see on the telly, so it's a shame that it's somewhat unfaithful.

Silent Hill (2006)

Despite the loss of the male protagonist, it is a brilliant portrayal of one person's depiction of hell.

[9/10 · 23 March 2007]

The general consensus of the film (clearly evident over IMDb's forums), and indeed my own, was that initially it was disappointing that Hollywood chose to change the protagonist from a father, named Harry Mason, to a mother, Rose Da Silva. But other than that, all the other aspects of the game were pulled off satisfyingly, if not almost perfectly, making it possibly one of the best game-to-movie conversions ever made. Once the initial disappointment over the loss of Harry has settled, there is little else left that will do anything other than leave you with shocked sense of awe over the brilliant portrayal of one person's depiction of hell. Unlike other horror games like, say, Resident Evil, which relies heavily on the character development and an in depth storyline complete with twists, Silent Hill relies on an exquisitely grafted atmosphere throughout the game and film. This was made using breakthroughs in 3D lighting and particle effects (smoke / fog etc.) at the time it was made. This became the game's trademark, and whether on purpose or not, was without doubt the aspect of the game which propelled it to stardom. And it is specifically this aspect that they followed so totally strictly that made the film feel so like the game. That, and the fact that a number of characters, many of the creatures (who could have been lifted straight out of the game itself they were so similar) and of course the slightly confusing story which was told in a more coherent fashion in the movie which allowed many of the fans of the game to see the story in a slightly different light. Of course in a film you don't have to rely on finding scraps of paper and diary entries to piece to together the story, so as they are laid out more linearly as you watch the character's journey unravel you can concentrate on the visuals more than having to get your head around the strange and awesome world that is Silent Hill.

If you just want a quick review of this film, I can tell you that it is your stereotypical good horror in the sense that it has a good story, a start a middle and an end, plenty of soft core gore throughout to remind you what it is that you are watching, and the occasional hardcore scene which will knock you off your seat and keep you on your toes. What it is, however, I can assure you is entirely unique.

The story is coherent, but pretty out there as far as fantasy goes, because it leans further towards fear-of-the-dark type of horror rather than conventional sci-fi horror. By this I mean don't expect an actual explanation of how the horrors that are seen came to be, but rather why.

The acting is all top notch, only slightly spoiled by Sean Bean's awful American accent which slips non-stop. But he doesn't have too much screen time, so don't let that ruin the film for you.

The audio is probably Oscar winning - I don't know and I needn't look it up as I am telling you how I saw it as an audience member, not a critic. But it without doubt plays it's part very well in the atmosphere which will chill you throughout.

Visually it is well filmed, consisting of some actually very nice camera angles and perspectives, but these were hard to catch due to utterly being captured by the film when I watched it. But when I broke my concentration to give the cinematography some of my time, I realised that what I was looking at was actually very visually pleasing.

The effects are perfect. I mean literally at no point do you look and think "hey, that doesn't look realistic". I mean, if it's so good that it can't be told apart from the real thing, then in my opinion if that's not perfection then I don't know what is.

Overall, one of the best films I have seen in a long time. I am a fan of the game, so whether that would have swayed my biased opinions in any particular direction I'm not sure, but if you are able to handle shocking visuals then it would be hard not to enjoy this film, at the very least on a leave-the-cinema-in-silence-with-a-heavy-feeling-in-your-stomach level like I, and everybody around me at the showing I saw did. It is a very deep and shocking film with a powerful finale and it will leave you thinking.

Spawn (1997–1999)

Possibly the most enjoyable adult animation I've seen

[10/10 · 6 December 2006]

Spawn has, for quite some time, being the grounding stone of Image Comics. Image is the third largest retailer in the US and UK. Marvel, the leader, has names such as Spiderman, X-Men, Capt America, Hulk and a never-ending list of other heroes. D.C., the second, has Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman and a whole load more. And Image has Spawn. There are a few others, but most would not have heard of them. This is just a brief glimpse at the popularity of this single character whose sales in comics alone support the mammoth of a company that Image is.

The animation runs over three seasons (also referred to as three feature-length movies) and each season is split into six twenty-five minute episodes. On DVD, the seasons run as individual films. This is a total running time of a little over seven hours, as each film is about two and a half hours. And within these seven hours, is everything one could possibly want from Spawn. Without giving away essential plot points, it is safe to say that the basic, original story of Spawn which is covered over the first couple of dozen comics and the not-so-well-received movie, is covered in the first season. The second and third seasons are also true to the comics, but are a deeper insight into the legend of Spawn.

The animations are slightly in manga style (only very slightly, taking the few better elements of manga and mixing it with conventional western cartoons), but are also western enough so as to keep the gritty feel that the original comics generated. There is an abundance of blood (I would say gore, but it is all spurting blood and little guts), plenty of swearing and a whole load of nudity. Now, I am a fan of Justice League which is pure and innocent enough to be shown on day time TV. But if I'm going to go out of my way to watch an evening adult show, I do appreciate it when the makers go all out to MAKE it an adult show. It is not for the pathetic, faint of heart. It is brutal, it is hard core, and I love it to bits.

Spawn is voiced by Keith David who had the most brilliant, atmospheric deep voice which captures the purest essences of what Spawn should sound like, and likewise the rest of the voice-casting is outstanding at worst. The voice overs are half what make a show like this, and when they are so precision perfect and so fantastically scripted it's no wonder that watching the film like this draws you deep into the world.

And animation is well above par. Not the best I've ever seen, but that is rare and often a sure-fire sign that too much time and money has gone into too specific an aspect of the overall project. The colouring/inking and shadow work are perfect for Spawn. Most of the time the majority of the characters are cast half in shadow, and the more mysterious a character, the less you see. This applies to Spawn too, but we see plenty of him so it's fine.

All in all, I can only wish there are more programs like this out there. I do believe that the audience they aim for is quite small considering all the people out there who would rather watch feel-good daytime talk shows and shopping channels than a brilliantly conceived film-noir style animation. So if this is your thing, I cannot recommend it more strongly. And if you are a fan of Spawn, lock yourself in a room with plenty of food and water for a day, because you will not be able to tear yourself away.

Ultimate Avengers: The Movie (2006 Video)

If you are an Ultimate Marvel fan, this film is a must see!

[8/10 · 22 February 2006]

Being that I am only 18, I arrived after the era in which X-Men, The Avengers and other Marvel classics made their debuts. I picked some up here and there, but only when the Ultimate Marvel remakes arrived on the scene a couple of years ago did I become a dedicated Marvel fan.

Most of the new Marvel products available these days are generally Ultimate Marvel associated, those including Games and even the live-action movies. But of course, when converting a graphic novel to the screen, nothing better captivates a character than merely a moving comic - that being a cartoon! I was ecstatic when I found only a few days ago that this film had been made without my knowledge, so I immediately got hold of it and watched it - and I was NOT disappointed! The film is basically the first Season (comprising of I believe 13 comics) of The Ultimates, which was the "Ultimate Marvel" version of Marvel's original Avengers comic. All the characters (bar, unfortunately, Hawkeye for unknown reasons) appear in this comic, and not only do they bear as close a resemblance as a cartoon-film can to carefully drawn captions of a graphic novel, but the also wear the costumes found in the Ultimates comics. Too often do you find details missing in film adaptations, but despite the changes that were made to compress 13 comics into an hour and ten minutes of film time, I noticed nothing significant to annoy me.

So, as I said earlier, if you are one of the Ultimate Marvel fans, you have nothing to lose from watching this - if you find it too different from the original, then who cares? There are so many different versions of all the Marvel comics around these days, what's one more to the total on the off-chance some don't like it? I give it eight out of ten merely because the animation was good, but just not the best – there are some better quality cartoons out there, but there always will be. It is certainly better quality than the Saturday morning cartoons that we have all come to love, and if we can watch them, we sure can watch this! So, I hope my opinions have helped you. Now go watch and enjoy!

The Punisher (1993 Video Game)

One of my favourite side-scrollers

[7 October 2005]

This is better than any other arcade beat-'em-up I've ever played. It has the style and sophistication of games such as Streets of Rage, but as it was made for the arcade and not a console it lacks any real storyline. But it has plenty of nice features like the "bang" and "whack" appearing on screen, and plenty of special moves like dropping grenades or executing special hyper-kicks if basic button combinations are pressed (i.e. jump & punch; double-forward & punch etc.). Would be great for the GBA, and is still worth your money if you can find it in an arcade! The Punisher looks just as he did in the original comics, as does Nick Fury, so it gives the real 'old-school' feel to the game. It is great to play with a mate as both Castle and Fury have very similar basic moves, yet still relatively different special moves. Plenty of thugs to take out, and at certain points in the level you will pull out your trusty Colt .45 sidearm, and with an unlimited supply of ammo you can blast away all your enemies - a short refreshing break from constant hand-to-hand fighting. All in all an excellent game, and not one to be missed if the opportunity arises!

Flash Gordon (1980)

The Ultimate Fantasy Movie

[9/10 · 13 December 2004]

Typical of an early eighties movie, this film is a classic feel-good fantasy movie. Flash Gordon is a physically fit and handsome man with absolutely no military experience, yet somehow proficient with all kinds of both human and alien weaponry AND is insanely hard to kill. He is the hero of this movie and is a footballer who finds himself the unwilling captor of Dr. Zarkov. Earth has fallen foul to some rather unusual atmospheric anomalies, which is actually the work or Ming the Merciless, ruler of Planet Mongo, who is testing Earth to see if it may compromise his rule. He comes to the conclusion that it will, and plans to destroy it. No one on earth is aware of what lies ahead, and are becoming increasingly scared due to the fact that the eccentric scientist Dr. Zarkov, formally of NASA, is the only one who has provided any explanation, and naturally, everybody thinks he is mad, because he talks of aliens and warring planets. So he travels to Mongo on his experimental rocket, and Flash and Dale Arden (the heroine of the movie) end up on board due to an unfortunate chain of events. The people on earth are unaware that their hero, a human named Flash armed only with a human's courage and his unique ability to dodge death, is fighting valiantly for their survival, while single-handedly negotiating a peace treaty between the warring factions of Mongo, as well as searching for his captured love Dale.

It really is such a feel good film, with a great theme tune from Queen, in which you really do wish you were there fighting along side him as he courageously fights for the very survival of the human race. Naturally it isn't long before his name has spread throughout the planet of Mongo, and his enemies tremble at the very mention of his name, as they have never met a creature who is so courageous as the inhabitants of earth are (laugh, but in this film it is true).

This film is definitely worth watching at least once for the fact that it is so fun, if nothing else. The acting isn't bad, nor are the special effects by any stretch. Watch this film and you won't regret it.

Thunderbirds (2004)

Excellent, with numerous subtle jokes

[21 August 2004]

I am a huge fan of the original Thunderbirds program, but I knew as well as anybody else that the big screen adaptation would not be the same. They never are, so why complain? Despite that, I found the film hilarious and quite frankly excellent.

The special effects are brilliant and the background art is outstanding. Unfortunately, each of the crafts has been tweaked or changed in one way or another, which is a shame, but the computer animations are so outstandingly superb it makes you wonder if they used real models.

There are more subtle jokes in this film than there are in Shrek. Seriously, this film is as much for adults as it is for kids. An example is when The Hood is controlling someone with his mind control powers, he states that 'it is just like controlling a puppet with strings'. The adults roared with laughter at that bit, while the kids all remained stone faced.

Lady Penelope, who looks identical to (and may have actually BEEN) the character in the Wonder-Bra adverts, makes constant references to the adverts, which is great fun, because ONLY those of the older generation will get those jokes. And another thing to look out for is, just like in the original episodes where the waves and splashes in the swimming pool were always realistically far too big (due to the fact that everything was miniaturized), in the film they have made it just the same when the camera is at a distance. They could have airbrushed it out, but they didn't, just to make the film true to the originals.

So don't be put off by the fact that they may have ruined what was a cult classic – the film is fantastic in its own right. It is a prequel to the original episodes, being based when Geoff still flew with his sons, and Tin-Tin and Alan were still kids. It also explains where the Hood's hatred for the organization came from.

All in all an absolutely outstanding film, and well worth watching.

Face/Off (1997)

This is the single, most brilliant action movie ever made!

[10/10 · 13 August 2004]

Quite seriously, some people really having a problem with suspending belief in these kinds of movies.

Of COURSE you can't swap peoples faces over and expect the bodies to accept the changes, and it's pretty obvious that you can't fool family members into thinking you are who you are. It is equally impossible to shoot a bullet-proof windscreen thirty times and have all the bullets bounce off without making a scratch. But that happens in ALL the Bond movies and no one EVER complains about that. And do you think it is possible to create a uranium-powered car with today's technology that can go back and forward through time when it hits eighty eight miles an hour? NO! But it happens in Back to the Future. But that is not AT ALL what the movie is about. It's about one thing and one thing only… ACTION!

It contains some stunning special effects, outstanding acting, and some of the best action scenes EVER put onto the screen. John Woo is great as an action director, and that is what he did.

So if you are in half minds about this film, watch it, because it is an excellent action movie as long as you don't read into it. Don't listen to what ANYONE else says. It made billions in the box-office and did even better on video and DVD.

Face/Off is one of the greatest films ever made!!!