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haxboob
Reviews
The Girl Next Door (2007)
Bad acting aside, the fact that it's a true story makes me sick
This story really sticks with you, I mean how on earth does an entire neighborhood full of kids, young kids and older kids, both boys and girls, all get together and decide it's great fun to hang out in Auntie Ruths basement torturing another person? HOW? This scares the crap out of me. All the boys lined up to rape this girl, time after time, they burned her, cut her up, punched her and then the worst part they burn her genitals with a blow-torch in order to "make her almost perfect". No one says a thing. Not one of the kids. Neither are they grossed out by all the foul things they do to this girl, who cries and screams through the whole ordeal, day after day, month after month. No one says anything, they just come back for more. What SICK town is this based in? Because that town needs to be arrested. I hope everyone on that block, all those kids who are now in their 50's today, all need psychological help for what they did. OK enough about the story, lets talk about the HORRIBLE low-budget acting. First off they cast a 24 year old girl in the part of a 14 year old girl. Her voice alone, trying to act like she's 14 was like listening to nails on a chalkboard. There is just something WAY wrong with her. And her with the actor who plays Davey, their scenes were straight out of an "Acting for Fun and Profit" video. It was just drama class all the way, you FELT the actors say their lines, but you never felt the actors as the characters. It is safe to say that you can watch this movie on fast forward, I did, just stop every once in awhile to get the gist of whats going on. The actress who played crazy Ruth did a decent job although sometime you really felt her say "ok I'm going to mess up my hair here and get a faraway look on my face and talk real slow, that will let everyone know that my character is losing her mind". Most of what everyone did was just painfully obvious..and I hand that over to the director. It was just bad. Now I have to spend all day on the net trying to research this...what happened to Meg? did she die? she was having something like a death scene there at the end but I wasn't sure if she fell asleep or died. Did Ruth die? she got hit over the head with a crutch, but that isn't enough to KILL someone, is it? she looked dead. Maybe they all died. I actually hope they all died.
Image of the Beast (1981)
The Death of the Iowa Film Industry, Thanks Russ.
If you saw The Thief in the Night, then there is no reason to see the remaining 3 films in this 4 part series. I just watched Image of the Beast and guess what, it's the exact EXACT same message and dialogue. It kills me to see such an interesting idea treated in this manner, but perhaps it's a testament to Mr. Doughton that he just doesn't have anything to say, except "go get saved". That's the message, thats all you hear. "so and so isn't going to heaven because they didn't get saved", "uncle John is going to heaven because he got saved", "you should accept Christ and go get saved". Over and over again. I would love to have seen character development and plot points beyond telling me that computers are of the devil, excuse me "hand computers" are of the devil. This film was made before computers really took off and it's sad to see how paranoid Christians were of computers back then. I guess this film could be used as a time capsule of sorts to remind us of how stupid we were and still are with our religious paranoia that everything is going to end, I mean why not? Do you have the capability to see the world continuing on it's present course? Of course not, it would take a person with faith in humanity to do that, to see that our civilization could actually continue and that some day we might get rid of starvation and disease, and be a lot kinder to one another. Not in this religion, according to the time line put down, 2006 is the beginning of the end, when Russia will invade Israel. Sorry for that spoiler there kids but does anyone in their right mind see Russia invading Israel? They have NOTHING to do with one another, but somehow according to Christians it happens, and computers are the way to the devil and in 2007 the beginning of revelations happens which according to the film means that at some point, and I love this piece of information, we will be overtaken, the whole world from Antarctica to Iceland, by 200 million horses and horsemen. And they will do something bad and we will all be sorry. My favorite dialogue comes at this point which is: Fallen Preacher: "the 7th horn sounds and 200 million horses ride forth and blah blah blah" Bad Actress says: "200 million horses!?" and Fallen Preacher says "there were over 200 million horses in China at one time long ago"....OK thanks for that information, I'll stay indoors where the horsemen can't get me. I guess there are 72 virgins and a garden full of dates and, oh wait, thats another religion based on fear. Why are Christians so afraid of living on earth? Why do they need impossible stories that lead to the death and destruction of hundreds of millions of people except them to feel good about themselves? I think Russ should write about Christians need for fear-based control and paranoia, that would be very interesting to watch. As for this film? Avoid like the plague, if you saw the first film there is no need to see the others unless you need a good laugh.
A Distant Thunder (1978)
A Distant Blunder AKA The Christian Propaganda Machine at it's Worst
This movie absolutely blows, In every aspect of the film-making process, from directing to the music, it's just horrible. According to this film, the End Days are actually happening, Satan comes out as being REAL. If this were true, most of the globe would be all "damn, I better get on the right path here or SUFFER FOR ALL ETERNITY IN A PIT OF FIRE". Not a whole lot of people would be stupid enough, out-right BRAINLESS to accept Satan as their master just to buy water and food bars for a few years. It seems that no one has a problem accepting the mark of the beast, "ho hum, I guess I'll just suffer for all eternity" I mean am I going crazy here? I give humanity more credit than that. I believe when it comes down to it, when faced with tangible evidence that the bible was in fact real, humanity will GET IT and UNDERSTAND THE STAKES. This film talks to you as if you are a silly little child who just doesn't understand the difference between good and bad. The characters spend their time ANGRY at God that their loved ones went to heaven, they curse Jesus and scream "I hate you" when they find Grandma has gone to Gods Kingdom, how stupid is that? Our lead characters know more about Jesus and talk more about Jesus than Tammy Faye EVER did, but somehow they aren't worthy because some dude didn't touch their for-head and go "you are saved"? God is really that petty? And even though they are supposed to be hiding in the country they spend a lot of time driving around in a fire engine red mustang, going to the park and stuff. You will find yourself laughing out loud a lot, but not because of the awesome writing, but because the writing is so bad you can't believe people actually talk this way. If SEARS mannequins could have conversations, they would speak like this to each other. It's just that bad. They could have saved money by just passing out pamphlets at the mall saying "only born again Christians are going to heaven, the rest of you aren't good enough", it would have saved everyone from having to view such a train wreck.
Patty Dunning is the worst actress of our times YET she WON AN AWARD for acting in this film. The new DVD version even advertises this as having "award winning actress Patty Dunning", the award was given to her by The Christian Filmmakers Association or something like that, her competition? no one. There is even a part in the CD where you can listen to Patty Dunning talking about how honored she was to have won the award and what it's like to be an amazing actress. Go on IMDb and pull her credits and you'll see how amazing she isn't. The best scene though, in any film PERIOD and the scene that is worth renting the film for is where Patty and her retarded gal pals are in that awesome mustang headed back to grandmas house in the country and her friend is reading a letter from her husband who is a soldier. It goes "honey, today a pastor came to the base and talked to us guys about accepting Jesus as our lord and savior" she pauses for dramatic effect and finishes with "and I did it sweetheart, I HAVE...ACCEPTED...Jesus Christ AS MY LORD AND PERSONAL SAVIOR!!!! NNNNOOOOOOOOOOO!!" It's SO good and she screams so bloody loud when she finds out her husband is with Jesus that I need to record it and have it as my outgoing message. It's such a wrong reaction but our leading ladies aren't credited with having any smarts so you just learn to let it go. There is a great part where the barn burns down and our 3 ladies run out in front of the barn for 5 minutes not really doing anything but running back and forth. You can almost hear the director yelling "ok run 20 feet to your left, now stand there and cower, now run back to your right about 20 feet and cower, now look around and run back to your left and cower some more". You'll especially love the earthquake scene. Our Patty the award winning actress, who got her acting skills from the Wide Eyed Screamers Acting School, keeps her eyes wide like saucers and lays there under a table screaming bloody murder while bits and pieces land next to her. I've been in an earthquake, you close your eyes so stuff, like debris for instance, doesn't get into them. She lays out the Welcome mat on all falling bits and pieces into her eyes because, there isn't anything falling, props forgot to drop stuff from the ceiling, except for an air duct and some lumber but those are too big to fall into your eyes, so Patty opens them up for all the world to see, go Patty GO!. It's just bad acting, bad choices. And the director doesn't shake the camera, it stays stationary as stage hands shake different parts of the set at different intervals, "shake the lamp and the curtains, now someone shake the wall and shake the chair, now shake the chandelier and drop the ceiling". Bad directing. Bad camera work. Bad Bad Bad. I think people should call this film what it is, a total failure, and then demand a better product. Someone WILL step up to the plate eventually. The only good thing about this movie is the cool silver laundry basket they use to catch heads in at the end of the film AND the fact they filmed this in Iowa. I am from Iowa and it's about time someone shined a light on how everyone in Iowa is going to hell.
Under the Tuscan Sun (2003)
I want to be Diane Lanes neighbor
I may not have read the original book, which is on my list of things to do, that this was based on but I connected so deeply with the main character and am secretly in love with the idea of moving to the place of my dreams and trying to make a "home" there. I have always wanted to do something like this, find a beautiful house with tons of character and put my signature on it. This is my favorite Diane Lane movie and everyone in it did a great job. It's funny, it's sad, you feel for the characters, you want people to be happy, you want them to succeed. The woman who played the English lady having a mid-life crisis was excellent and I absolutely loved the female real estate agent whom I understand is the biggest female star, rightly so, in Italy. See it see it see it. The only thing that bugged me, and this is so small it isn't really a problem more than a lingering question, is what happened to that HUGE snake that crawled through her window? I loved how dealt with it but they never found it and I was on edge as if it were going to come out of no where later in the picture. I guess the other thing is how did she learn Italian so quickly? Again, not a big issue, time passes quickly from scene to scene and maybe she was studying somewhere in there.
Unzipped (1995)
Interesting or just Mizrable?
OK, I have seen Unzipped 4 times. I asked myself why, and I came up with a really great lie. Because watching Mizrahi stress out about his "beast/nanook of the North" creations makes me feel better about myself as a sane person. I use to think that the fashion industry was something special, once you have used this film to figure things out, you notice how SAD SAD SAD these people are. Designers make these costumes, famous and sickly models make them look interesting and then Anna Wintour makes you want to spend your next 5 paychecks for a stupid coat. A coat that makes you feel good for a few months, by the way thanks Donatella for that black half-trench number you came out with last year, I still feel good about myself every time I think I'm thin enough to put it on. Anyhoo, Isaac is a sad selfish mess and at the same time a very smart man with amazing taste. THe models, whom I LOVE LOVE LOVE to watch, are all tragic and annoying, save for Tara Banks and Cindy Crawford who seem to be the only models with a brain in their heads. I wanted to reach through the screen and punch Linda Evangelista for having such an annoying voice. Could you imagine Kyle having to listen to that at home? She needs to remain silent so I can see her as just utterly flawless. The film, like I said, makes me feel sane, like all my "problems" can be dealt with and that I don't ever have to resort to being such a hysterical end=of-the-world drama queen like Mizrahi. And his singing? and his dancing? and his annoying hair? If I had that hair I would have had it cut a long time ago. Having said this, he is richer than I will ever be and he has loads of more prospects than I will ever have. So screw me and good for him. I guess I have to admit it, I really liked this film. It's a guilty pleasure. see it.
Mulholland Dr. (2001)
Dude...what?...um....huh?
Are you kidding me? I sat there wondering why it is so trendy to laud David Lynch as being edgy and brilliant when all of a sudden, as if in my own dream sequence, someone explained to me that the film was supposed to be like watching a dream, random events unfold and your taken on some journey where you have no control. OK with that in mind I kinda get it, trust me this review is completely different from the one where I rip everyone and everything in David Lynchs galaxy apart after thinking he wrote half of a story about an amnesia girl, a nice helpful girl and a bag of money and then couldn't figure out how to end the story so he just filmmed random scenes and prayed to God everyone would go "well thats David Lynch for ya, isn't he brilliant making all of us discuss this film and what it might mean?". In fact here is a bit of my old review, where I spit venom at Art-House types for raising this film to cult status, in the form of sarcasm: My favorite scene was when the 2 old people were in the limo and they were really happy and the car was driving and the old people were smiling and the visuals just made so much sense artistically, like it was some sort of dream sequence where 2 old people sit in a limo and smile, very deep, very emotional and raw. David Lynch is a genius and I too understand the secrets of this film, this makes me smarter than most people and I laugh at those who don't understand his brilliance, or the brilliance of this, his latest masterpiece. If it was supposed to be someones dream then fine, congratulations for having an intereting point of view. If not then shame on everyone who made this film into something more than it was. My only advice to anyone needing to see the film is, see it with friends and get stoned. I should have been.
Fahrenheit 9/11 (2004)
What else can be said?
Folks, I come from deep Bush country, that is to say my family and most of our friends growing up were all Republican. Not because of any particular belief or pride in what Republicans as a group strive for. My only memory of what my family said about being a proud Republican was because of the money. Our family always did very well by Reagan and Bush, trickle down was openly blessed at the dinner table. We were Republicans because of our money, our memberships at the Clubhouse and the perks that come with insider information on where to invest next, who will be getting a hand up because of Republican leadership. That being said, I sat in the Fahrenheit 9/11 BURNING with anger. I have never felt so disconnected from my family in all my life. I have a "problem" you see, I ask too many questions. And the answers have always led to lies and greed as far as the Republicans that made up my surroundings were concerned. I have argued till I was blue in the face that Reagan-omics were killing mom-ad- pop business's only to be met with "who cares, we made a bundle on investing in the company that bought them out". Trying to get my family and friends to see this film is like trying to get someone to eat glass, it would kill them, if only because Michael Moore has served up a heaping plate of undeniable facts. There is a scene when an obviously Republican woman runs up to the lady who has lost her family in Iraq and calls the protesting lady "an actor" and that she was just lying, when the republican lady is stopped in her tracks with proof about another ladies son who got killed the look on the Republicans face was "so what". It pains me to say that my family believes in just that, no amount of proof will ever change their minds because they are making too much money and saving too much money on taxes because of Bush to care. America is overwhelmingly polarized right now on these issues. Half of us want what is right for humanity and all Americans, the other wants what is right for them personally and their right to drive a Mercedes and tee off and noon. Just who is being unAmerican here? The country was created for all mankind seeking freedom and the chance to prosper, but had we all been as selfish as the Republican party is today we never would have gotten this country off the ground. We need to pull together again, vote and change this country for the betterment of all of it's citizens, not just the greedy. Of course, if you're like my family, you aren't going to listen to facts, will cry "propaganda" and will call all those families who lost children in Iraq "actors" trying to unseat Bush to push some dangerous god-hating liberal nonsense (Christian right wing propaganda at work folks- the kind laden with fear).
No attempt to pull their heads out of their collective a**es will ever work....unless you make it financially appealing to them. God help America. vote people.
Dawn of the Dead (2004)
why oh why do we pay taxes?
I didn't really think this film would affect me this much but I found myself thinking about an exit strategy IN CASE we ever get invaded by zombies. Sad isn't it? The film makers succeeded in doing their job. They give blood, gore and thought provoking situations to confront yourself with. If you don't take life too seriously and haven't become too jaded by life then you'll enjoy yourself and leave asking "what would I do in this situation?" and laugh about all the nasty stuff you just saw with your friends. If you ARE that over serious, hard-to-please type then you'll leave the theater asking "why did I just waste my money on THAT?" like the sour-puss walking out of the theater next to me. He was thankfully the only one who didn't enjoy himself and his friends told him to shut up and mellow out when he became The-Director-Who-Could-Have-Done-a- Better-Job, we all know that guy unfortunately. The beginning of the film before the credits rolled got the audience to clap and cheer, it was just that exciting and brutal. Civilization at the very moment of collapse, the point where 911 fails, police and paramedics just can't do their jobs anymore and our main characters are left to jump in their car and floor it to safety. Excellent fun. If you want a possible happy ending, LEAVE when the final credits start. If you stay through the credits you'll be left with a sad, disturbing ending which I was not happy with because I just wanted everyone to finally be safe, and thats not what happens. If it were me on that boat I would have.....
The Room (2003)
Behold Johnny: The Vampire who will show them all by recording what they say
Well let me start by admitting that I have seen this movie 4 times now...dedicated lover of the arts? or dumbass with nothing else better to do with his time, your choice. That being said I will go on to say that I have figured out what is going on with the horror-fying truth surrounding The Room...or should I say The Coffin of Lies! believe what you want, but this movie was no mistake. Vampires do exist and his name is Tommy Wiseau. Come with me now as I take you down a path of some Bullet-Points-of-Truth: 1. First off, all Wampires LOVE to overdecorate with candles, rose petals and white mosquito netting draped romantically over the bed. No grown heterosexual man, San Fransisco native or no, decorates like that unless he has death for the innocent on his mind. 2. SPOON! Or should I say ancient device for killing blonde booby-licious girls. So dear is this ancient weapon that he has HIS photographed and FRAMED! 3. The fact that Lisa, who has been around Johnnys Vampire character long enough, has formed telephathic skills powerful enough to make an entire room full of people think that they should all go OUTSIDE in the middle of a party so that she can do a little sucky-sucky of her own (on the ultra-handsome Greggy Sestero!), then using her mind powers moments later to get them all, like cattle, to go back INSIDE when she wants to suck on some cake. 4. Unexplained Tuxedo scene - Vampires love to overdress and hang out in alleys playing football, or should I say deathball as the poor psychiatrist is lobbed the offending ball and ends up falling down and disappearing from the movie altogether. Play Psychiatrist with us will you!?
5. Vampires often use their powers to keep people off-kilter and confused. Note Mark always asking "what are you doing" and "whats going on here?" as well as Lisas inability to put her finger on what exactly it is that she does in "the computer business" that is so hard. Or the fact that Johnny's Vampire character makes himself dizzy at times and tells people about his non-descript "job in the banking industry" which he clearly hates because people in the banking industry steal his money making ideas, probably old-fashioned jealousy over that Ancient European banking industry hair style...long and black my friends, Not too obvious VAMPIRE! 6. Denny has drug problem, drug dealer Chris-R shows up with gun, threats are made and bad acting ensues, Johnny-Vampire shows up....Chris-R gone from movie forever. No goodbye, no "be back tomorrow for my money", just gone from scene and gone from our minds. what! huh? gotta get me one of them Vampires to deal with my boss and that bitch in accounting who thinks her donuts are so freaking great. 7. The taking away of deadly breast cancer. God curses old woman with it, old woman blandly accepts imminent death from it, Vampire takes it away. Gone and forgotten. No thanks necessary, I'll shoot myself later for having loved you all too much.
Oh theres so much more, but I think you'll make the connections on your own.
What does this have to do with Tommy being a Vampire as well? Honey please, that hair, he always wears black, you can't put a finger on his true age (45-62?) only a vampire could acquire that fright physique and we all know that Vampires like to screw their partners in the lower abdomen...hence the uncomfortable sex scenes where he savagely grinds her torso just below her boob. Perhaps she has a side-hatch we don't know about but my money is on the first thing. Look at this film differently from now on you will, black is the force behind the Wiseau. A bank account large enough to produce your own film to attract fresh life-forces, yes I'm on to you Tommy, and I'll be watching to see if you are secretly sucking the life-force out of the audience next time I go see this film. Oh yes, I'm definitely going back...it's free!