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bernielane
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Reviews
U.F.O. (1993)
Women love chubby
To all the people who are offended by chubby and the way he feels and talks about women well we seem to have a prime minister who has the exact same attitude towards women as, Mr brown and no one seems to care about that but the difference is Mr Brown is funny but Mr J isn't and this, movie is the funniest thing in decades and if you don't laugh then you aren't breathing. Oh and by the way I've been to dozens of chubbys live shows over the years and there are always, more women there than men and they are also the ones laughing loudest and longest at his jokes. Too many people in this world these days who make a career out of been offended and maybe you should just get a life while you are still able. This is a definite 10.
Hard Target (1993)
NON STOP ACTION.... BUT LANCE NOOOO!
This movie starts off with action right from the opening credits and pretty much never let's up right to the end. Asses kicked, bones crunched, ears cut off, car interiors decorated with brains, impossible motorbike chases, impossible shootouts and everything in sight exploding with massive force. Absolutely brilliant!!!! The only thing that let's it down for me is right at the end when Lance henriksen, "the professional killer" takes the grenade out of his pants and tries to defuse it rather than just throw it back at his enemy and thus kill them off and then just mutters the word oops before it explodes in his face. Even taking into account the over the top nature of the rest of the film I still found this ridiculous scene too painful to bear and it ruined the whole film for me. Still get an 8 though for being so bloody action packed.
Gravity (2013)
A Waste Of Good Space
The only thing I have to say about this movie is if NASA really do employ astronauts as inept,winging and useless as the bunch depicted in this movie then its a miracle they ever got anyone into space at all never mind on the moon. This is the worst film I can remember in years and I can truthfully say I will never watch it again because it is too boring and pointless to even consider having to sit through it again. The special effects are good yes but so what the special effects are good in most films in the modern CGI era and we now accept that as a matter of course anyway so why on mother earth everyone is ranting about the oh so brilliant special effects when they are just the norm in most films nowadays is beyond me. The storyline was for the 5-10 age group at best and the dialog between the actors was written on the back of a fag packet in about 10 minutes. That is all you need to know about this film, don't buy it, don't rent it don't see it at the cinema, its a waste of your money and you will realize it about 15 minutes in. If you must see it out of sheer curiosity like I had to then get it for free by downloading on the torrent sites and it will be the best money you never had to spend and you will feel so money supermarket afterward.
The Sweeney (2012)
Ten good reasons to see this film
Here I have ten good reasons why you might want to see this movie.
1) If you want to see members of the police break the law, assault suspects and any one else they feel like just to get answers to questions and get away with it.
2) If you want to see someone who looks and talks like a fifteen year old kid taking out a room full of 15 stone 6ft 4in Serbian gangsters on his own without getting a scratch.
3) If you want to see a fat, bald, middle aged policeman having sex with a girl his daughters age.
4) If you want to see a policeman almost kill a superior officer and nothing is done about it.
5) If you want to see talent like Damien Lewis wasting his time in this role.
6} If you want to see total disregard for authority and the law that they carry on pursuing and killing the villains even after they have orders from the top to cease all operations.
7) If you want to see the direct ripped off cut and pasted version of the bank heist shoot out from Michael Mann's Heat transposed to Trafalgar Square.
8) If you want to see police officers living in places merchant bankers would struggle to pay for.
9) If you want to finally appreciate how good John Thaw and Dennis waterman were as Regan and Carter.
10) If you want to hear the line "I want your gun and your badge". Nick Love was obviously watching Dirty Harry on video when he wrote this line into the script.
Those are the ten reasons someone might possibly want to watch this excuse for a movie but only if you are male, over 40, still living with your parents, on benefits, have no girlfriend, no job and collect DVD box sets for a hobby. I am none of those things but I didn't have the benefit of reading this review before I watched it. So if you still want to watch it after reading this then you maybe need to evaluate your life.
One reason why you certainly wont want to see this movie
1) All 10 reasons above (bar no 9) and a dozen more besides but I don't have the time or the word limit).
Don't waste your money or your time on this like I did, you will walk away feeling very empty inside.