cableaddict Reviews

Mr. Mercedes (2017–2019)

Season One: Excellent. Season 2: OMG, what happened?

[4/10 · 8 July 2022]

I won't bother mentioning any plot details from the first two sesons, as so many other reviewrs have done this well.

Simply put: Season one was excellent TV. A bit slow, but cerebral, involving, and rewarding.

Season 2: I forced myself to watch the first 5 episodes, in total astonishment / disbelief. And that's it, I'm outa' here. What the heck were they thinking?

They took a series that appealed strongly to intellectual viewers, and turned it into a completely absurd / non believable sci fi plot. - And an incredibly boring one at that.

I don't know if season 3 is good or not, but I'm not planning to find out. I'd rather do my taxes, or my laundry, or weed the garden......

Dear M. M. writers: I don't need my intelligence insulted yet again. I've already seen Game of Thrones season 8 & Killing Eve season three.

I hear that Home Depot is hiring. Perhaps you guys should apply.

Jason Bourne (I) (2016)

Paul Greengrass Ruins Another One !

[1/10 · 15 January 2022]

Shaky Cam ! Shaky Cam ! Shaky Cam !

Loud Noises ! Loud Noises ! Loud Noises !

More Shakey Cam !

More Loud Noises !

After about 36 minutes of this excuse for not knowing how to actually direct an action film, Greengrass finally slows things down for a few peaceful seconds. It almost seems like there's now going to be some kind of interesting plot, but nope. Just a few lines to help move things along, so we can get back to the vomit-inducing shaky cam and loud noises. The actors basically phone-in their lines, and heck, why not? There's nothing interesting happening. They chase Bourne, he runs. Lots of cars crash. They chase some more. That's about it.

It's like a Saturday morning cartoon on crack, but with real actors.

The original Bourne Identity, expertly directed by Doug Liman, is one of my top 5 fav movies of all time.

Bourne's II and II, while damaged by Greengrass's utter lack of talent, were still somewhat watchable.

But this pile of pigs bollocks? No even close. After 40 minutes, I FF'ed to the middle. What a surprise, shaky cam and loud noises! And good actors saying their lines like they wanted to be somewhere else.

I FF'd to near the end: Same thing.

As with season 8 of "Game of Thrones," I'm going to pretend I never saw this travesty.

Dragged Across Concrete (2018)

"Slow" does not begins to describe this excuse for a film.

[1/10 · 16 August 2020]

TRUE FACT: There is a scene in this movie at about the 56 minute mark, in which the two lead actors just sit in a car, not talking, while one of them eats a sandwich. This literally goes on for 70 seconds ! Not a word is spoken, we just watch Vince eat his sandwich. Then for another 30 seconds or so, Mel complains about how long it took Vince to eat it. I'm not joking. I guess the director thought it was really funny or something. This scene is a perfect microcosm of the entire film. It is STAGGERING slow, and staggering pointless. I'm stunned that anyone gave the greenlight to such a pathetic script, and I'm stunned that this "director" actually has a career in Hollywood. You have been warned.

The King of Staten Island (2020)

Starts juvenile, ends boring.

[3/10 · 14 August 2020]

Judd Apatow strikes again. He's evidently very good at writing juvenile humor (I can't stand most of his work, but lots of people seem to think it's hilarious, for some reason, so I'll give him that.) In this movie, he seems to be trying to write something serious, and his apparent internal-struggle is painful to watch. Unlikeable characters, A near-meaningless plot, and a lead actor character that you just want to punch in the face. Seriously, I wanted to punch this guy in the face even more than I want to punch Shia LaBouf in the face, every time he's on screen, and I REALL want to punch Shia in the face. Avoid this movie, unless you just need background noise while you do your taxes, or the laundry. It's meaningless, depressing, and immediately forgettable.

Punching and Stealing (2020)

Surprisingly Entertaining!

[8/10 · 13 August 2020]

Due to the low IMDB score, I almost didn't watch this. However, a free download plus pandemic desperation forced my hand, and I'm glad it did. The current "storyline" on the IMDB page doesn't really reflect what this movie is all about. It's actually an action-comedy, but intelligent & subtle comedy. OK, not a comedy at all, but a really funny drama. Or something. Hard to pigeonhole it. Anyway, it's basically a rollercoaster of a ride, with constant action, and intelligent script, tight editing, and excellent acting. (The entire cast is perfect.) Usually when an unknown director is also the main actor, the movie stinks, but Ryan Churchill is one of the rare exceptions. I think he has a huge future ahead of him.

• And I have no connection to this film, look at my other reviews. I was tempted to give it a "10" just to raise the absurdly-low average score, but "*8" is a fair & accurate rating. I'm telling you, just give this flick a chance.

Acrylic (I) (2020)

Annoying.

[2/10 · 25 July 2020]

This kind of movie has been done many times, and the basic idea can work really well. Sadly, that requires a crisp script and talented actors. There's none of that to be found here. I think director Nicole D'Angelo literally just hired a bunch of her friends to play the parts, to save money. It's that bad. It's High School play bad. (Wait, I just insulted High School drama departments.) It's NOT funny, it's painful to watch. I gave it one extra star for having some mildly amusing ideas. They probably would have been ebtertaining if I had simply read the script.

Useless Humans (2020)

An excellent, entertaining, low-budget effort.

[7/10 · 20 July 2020]

This movie obviously doesn't take itself seriously. And yet, all aspects are first-rate: the acting, the cinematography, and especially the script. We actually get glimpses into the inner-workings of most of the characters, which is mighty rare with a campy horror flick. It's genuinely funny, and has genuine tension. Nothing juvenile about it. It's a very hard movie to describe, but I found it quite entertaining, in a totally meaningless way. I recommend it, just don't expect a Spielberg-level production.

Greyhound (2020)

Garbage.

[1/10 · 12 July 2020]

I haven't written a review in years, but this movie has me so angry that I had no choice. Let me save you about 90 minutes of your life: After a short opening scene in which the captain has a boring conversation with his girlfriend, suddenyl we are onboard the destroyer Greyhound. Fasten your seatbelts! Immediately, (and I mean literally immediately) the ship is attacked by a German U-boat. A huge battle begins. Looks like every other sea battle ever put into a war movie. After a while, the Greyhound sinks the U boat. At this point, you'd expect the real movie to start, right? You know, interpersonal conflicts, maybe some flashbacks, some no-battle tensions to be resolved later, etc. Right? Nope. More U boats attack. More battles ensue.... and finally the end comes, with the Greyhound and most of the convoy still floating. THAT'S IT. We learn nothing about any of the characters, we don't care at all about any of the characters, (including the Captain.) They literally never even show any character or scenes on any of the other ships, or at command headquarters, or in England, or..... Literally the entire movie is scene inside the Greyhound in its command deck, or the view FROM the greyhound out to see. THAT'S IT. I'm not kidding. If this were a non-war action movie, it would literally just be one 90 minute car chase, with lots of stuff blowing up off on the sides of the screen. Pathetic.

Dark Crimes (2016)

like grass growing over drying paint.

[1/10 · 12 May 2018]

This is easily the worst movie I've seen this year.

Some lame BDSM titillation (if you can even call it that) tries in vain to keep the viewer interested, but that few seconds here & there of barely R-rated lameness cannot overcome the insanely slow pacing, the dialogue, the overall dark mood, the complete lack of any effort at all by the screenwriter and the actors.

You

Have

Been

Warned.

And Jim Carrey, you should be ashamed of yourself.

Cymbeline (2014)

Pretentious, Incredibly Boring Drivel.

[1/10 · 9 May 2018]

The opening sequence was hypnotic, but why are we forced to read line after line after line of some bizarre story about a king and a motorcycle gang, and....

I already didn't care and was bored out of my mind.

Then the first main scene started, and we get to see 2 people kissing. for bout 5 minutes. ..... And nothing else........

Wow. Gripping.

The Ed Harris enters the scene and starts reciting Shakespeare, in a monotone voice that could only have come from massive amounts of drugs.

Then his wife (the Queen? Whahhhh ???) joins the gang on screen, and sounds even more lifeless and bored than Ed Harris did.

Computer-generated voices, reading the phone book, are far more interesting than whatever this is.

If I watch the rest of this flick, I will surely have to kill myself, so I'm stopping now. Fifteen minutes in and it's already the worst movie I've seen in years.

You've been warned.

Den of Thieves (2018)

Pathetic attempt at a "Heat" ripoff.

[2/10 · 1 February 2018]

Well, there's lots of gunfire & stuff blows up. If that floats yer boat, then get drunk and enjoy this tripe. But bring along your smart phone, so you have something to do during the endless, boring scenes that add nothing at all to the plot. Oh, and don't expect any of the action to make actual, you know, SENSE. Just turn your brain off and enjoy the noise. Or better yet, find something else to do with your evening.

Big Little Lies (2017–2019)

Annoying, i an incredibly boring way.

[1/10 · 24 July 2017]

This is my first review in years.

This series is so ridiculously bad, compared to its rating, I felt I owed it to the community to add yet another warning,

Big stars are nothing without good material. The once great Nicole Kidman & Reese Witherspoon have apparently died, and come back as nails on a chalkboard. It's that bad. Apparently this show is about a bunch of vacuous rich people who are impossible to like. I literally hated it from the first sentence Witherspoon uttered - and I've been a HUGE fan of hers for her entire career.

That is all. You've been warned.

Man Down (I) (2015)

Labeouf ruins another one.

[1/10 · 7 May 2017]

I guess you either love Shia, or realize he's one step away from Keanu Reeves level.

I'm mystified how anyone can like the guy. Not his acting, the person himself. In every single movie he's been in, I just want to punch him in the face. He can't even enunciate. This movie literally needs "Shia-To_English" subtitles. He also has exactly one facial expression. ONE. - And that expressions says "I've just taken 2 valium. Give me my check and I'll read my lines for you."

Also, the movie is incredibly dark and depressing. Well, at least the first 1/2 hour, which was all I could take.

Adding nothing further, to make my # of lines quota.

Adding nothing further, to make my # of lines quota.

Adding nothing further, to make my # of lines quota.

Adding nothing further, to make my # of lines quota.

Western Religion (2015)

Laughable acting, laughable script, yet strangely entertaining.

[5/10 · 12 January 2016]

I dunno what to make of this flick. For the first 15 minutes or so, all I could think was "are they serious, or is someone playing a joke on me?"

It's like some high school trust fund kid bought a couple of expensive cameras, wrote a script in 2 hours, then asked all his friends and relatives to act in it.

It doesn't get better, though 2-3 members of the cast actually do quite a respectable job with the painful lines they were given. The rest of the cast must have made a wrong turn on the way to the porn set, and stumbled into this one by mistake. I suspect part of this is due to the director, though, as the entire thing feels like a live-action cartoon.

AND YET:

I actually kinda' enjoyed it. (watching for free, late at night, too tired to get any work done & so just vegging out.) The cinematography, sound, and even the soundtrack are all actually quite excellent. That trust-fund kid must have hired the best PD in Hollywood.

The basic plot isn't bad either, (though it takes an awfully long time to get to any sort of, you know, point) so the flick does move along in an entertaining way.

Very, very strange. I find it hard to even give it a rating.

The Blacklist (2013–2023)

So Bad, It's Good.

[1/10 · 27 May 2015]

Really, how often can one use that tired old line, and actually mean it?

This show's premise sounded great, so I came here before watching it. Stunned at all the negative reviews, I figured, "It can't be THAT bad."

I was wrong. Everyone else has covered just how inexplicably absurd the plots are, and how stupefyingly bad the acting is. (Everyone except Spader.)

But I think everyone is missing the point here:

This isn't a serious crime thriller. It couldn't possibly be. There aren't that many drugs available, not even in Hollywood. This is obviously a conscious effort to create a "so bad, it's good," underground cult classic. Sort of like a modern take on "The Keystone Cops."

If you watch it with this attitude, and just laugh uproariously every time some agent does whatever stupid thing one does next, or roll on the floor whenever Boone tries to emote, it's really quite a hoot. TEN STARS !!!!!

Elementary (2012–2019)

Dr. Wilson, I presume?

[5/10 · 1 February 2015]

^ That would have been a more fitting title, since Lucy Lui has about as much emotional range as Tom Hanks' volleyball in "Cast Away." Seriously, this series was crippled as soon as she was cast.

Also, the normally fine actor Aidian Quinn seems either asleep, or genuinely aggravated to have to be there. In his defense, he has incredibly little to work with.

Having said that, and agreeing fully that this show bears virtually no resemblance to the original Sherlock Holmes in any way, I rather enjoyed the first season. About every other episode was really quite well done. Enough to keep me coming back, at least.

Then we met Moriarty, and thing just went downhill from there. Her character is incredibly poorly conceived here, and just as badly acted. It says a lot about the series that its most boring moments are when Holmes' arch enemy is on the screen.

I've made it almost to the end of season 2 now, but to my horror, someone decided to make the wooden Ms Lui's character more prominent. Holmes often pouts somewhere in a corner, and Ms Mahogony-Volleyball comes up with a bunch of clues, all the while sounding like she's speaking with her tax attorney, while sedated.

But hey, on the bright side, the murders & various plot developments are childish, obvious, and absurdly convenient !

I won't be watching season three.

Cross of Iron (1977)

Possibly the greatest war film ever made.

[10/10 · 20 December 2006]

Wow. This is a must-see.

It delivers the goods in every possible respect:

Multi-dimensional characters. Multi-dimensional screenplay (show the complexity of the various issues, without really taking sides)

Incredible acting, direction, editing & cinematography.

A timeless feel that does not seem dated in any way.

Excellent but not over-the-top action, with not a cliché in sight.

-And the ending is one of the most memorable of any film, in any genre, that I have ever seen. Heart-wrenching and powerful at the same time.

See this one no matter what it takes.

The Storm Rider (1957)

A Little Known Gem!

[9/10 · 7 October 2006]

Just watching this now, for the first time, on late-night cable.

What a surprise! It starts off like any old B-western you've seen, but then it surprises you at every turn.

What makes it special is that almost none of the characters are clichés. You keep expecting them to be, but then they turn out to be complex and multi-dimensional. -And not just one character, but virtually all the main ones. There are VERY few westerns with this much depth.

Negatives:

The lead actor does a fine job, but he lacks the charisma of a true leading man. Had John Wayne played this part, "Storm Rider" might be known as one of the great westerns of all time.

Sadly, the cinematography is pretty dark & dismal. -And the screenplay isn't all that exciting, except for the interesting plot turns. Still, I consider this a "must see" if you like westerns.

Without Limits (1998)

Worst Sports Movie Ever made

[2/10 · 27 August 2006]

How this movie has a 6+ rating is beyond me. I guess the entire 1700 people that actually like it posted, and the entire rest of the world felt it wasn't important enough o rate it at all.

There is nothing wrong with the acting, directing, nor cinematography. The problem is, simply, that there's virtually no story. Prefontain's life didn't really contain much drama. Some guy is a good runner. He wins a bunch of races. The end. The writer threw in a mildly diverting love story to try to pad it out, but it doesn't help at all.

I was a college runner at the time this movie takes place. Prefontain was a hero to us. I STILL find this movie painfully boring. Cant' give it a worse rating than that.

Avoid this one like the plague.

Face of a Fugitive (1959)

A slow-moving gem

[9/10 · 8 March 2006]

I must admit, I have never before liked any movie that starred Fred McMurrey. This is a first.

The action moves slowly here, as much of the tension has to do with how the characters think and interact. However, that's exactly what makes it special. Even the female lead has important lines, which is exceedingly rare in this genre. McMurray's character is one you would expect Gary Cooper to have played, and he pulls it off surprisingly well.

While not a classic, this is an extremely well-made Western, and I highly recommend it.

Thomasine & Bushrod (1974)

An overlooked gem!

[8/10 · 22 February 2006]

Wow, this movie is far, FAR better than I expected.

First of all, it has been referred to as being of the "blacksploitation" genre. This is not appropriate, IMO. It has none of the braggadocio of that genre, nor does it portray whites as complete bumbling idiots. This is simply an excellent western that just happens to have two black leads. (FWIW, I'm white.)

There is plenty of action, but much more emphasis on the characters feelings, as any good movie should have. This isn't a zany romp, like (say) Buck & the Preacher, but a serious look at two complicated individuals.

The film is excellent. It reminds me more of Butch Cassidy than Bonnie & Clyde. The two leads are excellent actors, and have great chemistry between them. Vonetta McGee literally gives an Oscar-worthy performance. Seriously. She pulls a great range of emotions out of what would otherwise be an average script.

The plot is well worked-out, considering the genre, with no clichés to be found. The cinematography and score are both first rate. While I wouldn't call this a "must see" film (how many of those are there, really?) it is a fine piece of work.

I gave it an 8. If the screenplay had been just a little better (the low-point of the entire production) this could have been a 9 - 10.

Don't pass this up if you get a chance to see it.

The Mean Season (1985)

Cliché's R Us.

[2/10 · 20 February 2006]

This flick will pass the time, and Kurt Russle is always interesting to watch, but JEEEZ is this one clichéd. Every standard suspense element is there:

1: Several scenes where you think the killer is coming, big scary music, then it turns out to be someone else. Ooooh, I'm soooo scared!

(spoilers ahead, I guess)

2: the good guys girlfriend ends up s the final target. gee, never woulda' thought of THAT....

3: Oh heck, why waste time listing them all. I have already taken more time with this review than the production team took making the movie.

The score is absolutely hilarious. It goes from nothing, to Hitchcock-on-steroids about fifty times. Might as well have a narrator shouting "here comes something scary! hear comes something scary!"

Russel and Garcia manage to come off OK despite the hackneyed script. However, Mariel Hemmingway makes a fool of herself with her overacting in the end. Well, at least she shows her tits in the requisite, early shower scene (gotta' get that "R" rating, after all.) Big woop.

I can't say I'm surprised that Phillip Borsos only directed two more films after this one.

Don't go out of your way to watch this, though as I said, it WILL pass the time. I've seen MUCH worse.

Dark City (1998)

For Sci-Fi lovers only

[2/10 · 7 January 2006]

Well, from all the other reviews its clear that sci-fi lovers give this flick a big thumbs up.

Me? Snoozeville. I can honestly say that I hated it. I suppose the effects are good, and it certainly is where the writers of the Matrix got about half of their ideas, and the bad guys are truly spooky. So, kudos all around for that stuff.

However, there isn't a single character that you can care about. Not even the good guy. There's no depth to any of them. No real interaction between them. It's all action & F/X. The whole thing is dark, fast moving, and soul-less. This is similar to a well-done action flick, which all the hardcore action buffs will give 10-ratings to, and everyone else will fall asleep while watching it.

For the record, I enjoyed the Matrix (first one only, of course.) this flick? I turned it off after a little more than an hour. I could care less what happened. HUGE waste of an hour.

But heck, you may like it.

Giant Steps (1992)

Cliché's R us

[2/10 · 3 January 2006]

Ughh.

Being a professional musician, I suppose I can't give a standard review of this flick. Simply as a movie, I suppose it will pass the time. The acting is well done, and I guess there's some kind of conflict / resolution. Sort of.

-But as a study of the life of a jazz musician, it couldn't be any more simplistic or cliché'd.

My guess is that even non-musicians will find themselves saying, "you gotta' be kidding me" more than a few times.

Besides that, there's very little action or interesting dialog, though I've seen worse.

Watch it if there's absolutely nothing else on.

Copper Sky (1957)

A wonderful actress, in the most boring western ever.

[2/10 · 1 January 2006]

Tenpercent's review pretty much nails my view of this stinker. Yep, a very, VERY badly-written "African Queen" rip-off.

Too bad, because there are actually a few tinkling of something really good beneath all the stink. Well, basically the tinklings are all due to Coleen Gray. Good Lord, is she beautiful, and a fine actress to boot. I had never heard of her before seeing this film, and am amazed that she wasn't more famous.

Jeff Morrow is so bad in this, I'm shocked to see he still had a career afterward.

But the real culprit is whatever drug-addict wrote the screenplay. Painful.

If you have never seen Coleen Gray, it is worth watching the first 20 minutes or so (until she lets her hair down and bathes in the river.) After that, it's simply torture.