eflaat Reviews

The Touch of Satan (1971)

Hauntingly boring film about witchcraft.

[4/10 · 11 March 2016]

Even if you're a hardcore 'Witches of Eastwick','Charmed', or 'Haxan' fan or someone who has toured filming locations of 'The Craft' and has every line from 'The Crucible' memorized, you'll probably think this movie is still dull and unappealing. If you're into obscure witch movies, watch 'The Devonsville Terror' instead.

The film involved a dull family in a sleepy California countryside with a predictable secret and slow, meandering plot. I remember watching it as a ten year old when we were rained out at the lake cabin and had to sit and watch movies featured on local upper-dial antenna channels. I remember this movie mostly for how boring it was. Hoping, like people at a Warhol film screening that something would happen but nothing of any measure really does.

Still though, it's great as an episode of MST3k.

Star Wars: Episode VII - The Force Awakens (2015)

Decent, but with some flaws... Spoiler ALERT

[7/10 · 18 December 2015]

I don't know where to start with all the different thoughts and the fact that I'm still processing this film. A couple of points. AGAIN, SPOILER ALERT It was decent, but there are some big flaws that need to be addressed. Just to make sure everyone knows: I did like the film, it's probably the third or fourth best Star Wars movie so it's still good, but I just have to confront these conflicts within...

A THIRD DEATH STAR PLOT DEVICE? Really? Of all the things you'd do you would make a third Death Star that has lax security and an obvious Achilles Heel. When this part was revealed I was hoping that it'd be different from the previous films but no, it wasn't, it was just bigger and lazier. Why? Sure, it's not as big of a problem as Jar-Jar but how did the 'Starkiller' concept get past the rough draft phase? Seriously, even when they were discussing the plans to destroy the third Death Star it even seemed like the characters themselves couldn't believe that J.J. resorted to such a lazy throwback to put the film into throwback reboot territory.

LOCATION, LOCATION, LOCATION!!! Are we on the planet Tattooine? Nope, it's some new planet called Jakku. Are we on Yavin? Nope, it's just some new rebel base. Did they blow up Coruscant? Maybe, it's hard to tell since it looks exactly the same. Lightsaber battle on the ice planet Hoth? Nope, it's the Starkiller base near the shield generators where Han and the gang have to detonate charges. Okay, at least they didn't include Ewoks. Way too much familiarity, at least try to have a bit of diversity.

DARTH HIPSTER: It's no coincidence that Kylo Ren sounds similar to Rilo Kiley. The guy is just some moon-faced wannabe who is no Vader and there's a huge continuity problem. He's great in the first half of the film but when we get to know him you'd just with he'd put the helmet back on. In the beginning he can stop a laser bolt in mid-air but by the end he can barely fight with two non-Jedi and is about as powerful as your average asthmatic goth kid.

WASTE OF GWENDOLYN Christie: She's a very talented actress but is highly underused in this film. She has less screen time than Boba Fett and is about as effective. Let he kick some ass, she did a great job against the Hound so give her the screen time she deserves. I'd rather see her in action than another worthless scene where C-3PO minces.

Luke! LUUUUUUUUUUKE!!! Mark Hamill just made the easiest paycheck in all of cinema history. Call Guiness, not Sir Alec Guiness, the records guys because Mark had about ten seconds screen time and made a gazillion dollars for doing so.

MAX VON SYDOW IS STILL ALIVE? Wow, that surprised me a bit. I'm going to watch 'The Seventh Seal' again since it has way more exposure for the actor. Max was in the movie for about two minutes and I'm sure J.J. realized he's almost 100 so he can't quite be a new Obi Wan.

NO LANDO? Why not? At least a cameo. Oh well, now to chug a lot of Colt 45 since I still need to think about this film. Congrats J.J., you've gotten my money yet again.

Julie and Jack (2003)

Craptacular Brilliance!

[10/10 · 23 July 2015]

I know, I know. It's not an actual ten I'm giving this movie. It's horribly made on any objective measure but it's just so good at being bad that you HAVE to admire it.

This is James Nguyen's first movie and man does this depict the raw promise of incompetence that we'd later see with Birdemic and Birdemic II. Not only are we treated with horrible cinematography that defines Nguyen's flicks with static cameras that don't understand even the basic concepts like the rule of thirds or the fourth wall, but we're given even worse dialogue and non-existent special effects (well, that's a positive considering the badly done gif birds in his magnum opus.

I'm a lover of all movies and I've helped out with student films when I was in college and I have the utmost respect for anyone who can start and finish a film that's able to get distributed. I've also seen a lot of competently made films that just have no spark and are just boring; I'm looking at you rom coms and Adam Sandler flicks. Nguyen, whether he knows it or not, has a flair for making something as terribly made as a high school drama production shine on the screen with its charming incompetence. I can't help but laugh every time we see the main character try to form sentences with his buddy Mark who he only talks to after he's had sex.

Well, I've gushed enough and should probably get to the meat and potatoes of the review: The story itself deals with our hero Jack (Justin Kunkle) who is a computer chip selling schlub on the brink of being fired. In the midst of his problems he finds solace in a woman he begins dating online in a weird cyber-space virtual simulator. What transpires is a rom-com version of the Matrix but without the mind-bending action and captivating story. Oh no, it's filled with absolutely charming amateurishness: sets that are obviously someone's apartment, cameras that don't move and don't shoot at any angles, dialogue said without emotion, bad screen writing, stock options, office jargon, over-acting, under- acting, chip sales, talks of big money, and of course one graphic that includes a gif of the death star.

If you're into bad movies that're so bad they're good then pursue with zeal anything Nguyen makes. Oh, and also, yes the dialogue is wretched but I'll at least hand it to James that he was born in Da Nang and didn't leave Vietnam until he was 9 or 10 shortly before the Fall of Saigon so I'd give him a break his English. Honestly I'd like to 'get cup coffee with him.'

Left Behind (I) (2014)

Airport '15 - Jesus Strikes Back

[1/10 · 27 February 2015]

Too many years have passed since Adaptation, Nicholas Cage's last good film and he's got very little tread left in the tires. What was once a promising acting career with great flicks like Raising Arizona, Red Rock West, Wild at Heart, the Rock, and Leaving Las Vegas has dissolved into him doing any part so long as the check clears. That being said the rest of the movies is a far bigger disaster than Cage's downward spiral.

Left Behind is to Christians as what Sweet Sweetback's Baaaaaaaaadass song was for African-Americans: A death-filled revenge fantasy. Tim LaHaye wrote this as a cathartic means of having the evil non-Christians suffer in his book by virtue of disasters of a biblical scale and man does it ooze with cheap, simplistic ideological zeal.

Anyone who doesn't believe in the right wing fundamentalist version of the Christian God and doesn't religiously watch the 700 Club and vote Santorum then there's a place in the lake of fire for you. It's kind of like the Chris Kyle version of Christianity where he believes that he's holy and good and anyone who doesn't agree with his narrow view deserves to die.

It's also too inconvenient for the author to spend more time with the concept of the rapture. Is is right that non-Christian people who lived their lives with virtue and humility deserve to be left to die and burn in hell? Is if fair that a man who cheated on his wife once is now forever cast into eternal flames? Is it fair that scientists, intellectuals, the educated elite who strive for truth are to be punished for believing in what's rational and observable? Also, what about the saved? If only having a simplistic belief in god is a way to the promised land then why are murderers who accept Jesus after the fact get to go to heaven when the family members of their victims are meant to wander the earth because they stopped believing in god after said murder? Then there's the case of Catholic priests who couldn't keep their hands to themselves and their enablers...

Maybe it's unfair to judge the movie in trying to fully flesh out its own ideology, but it should at least try to entertain and provide good relatable characters. Instead it meanders with a predictable storyline about a distressed plane and mild chaos on the streets. Seriously, it's as boring as a sermon you've heard before.

It's also hilarious that those 'left behind' are idiotic stock characters who have less dimension than a Walking Dead extra. You have the liberal reporter, the Eurotrash junkie, the Asian science guy (who has maybe a third grade comprehension of science), the wayward college daughter, the Muslism guy who is most likely played by a Puerto Rican, the rich Texan, and the hateful midget. Well, okay, credit where credit's due I'll give them props for hiring Verne Troyer for a role. Regardless, all of them apparently have no clue about the rapture even though you'd be surprised how many Atheists can quote scripture since tons of them were raised by Bible-thumping parents and then left the faith. Even Christians are hollowly portrayed, Lea Thompson is dead eyed and annoying.

In the end, this movie does a disservice to everyone, from Christians who want something wholesome they can enjoy to anyone else who just wants to be entertained. As for me, I don't care who makes the movie, just make it good or don't be surprised when your flick winds up at the bottom of the tomato-meter, played only late night on a local CW station, or featured on Rifftrax.

Drive in Massacre (1976)

Truly terrible with some redemptive qualities...

[2/10 · 27 February 2015]

Okay, if you only like watching good cinema than this one isn't for you. It has no real value to it save as a time capsule movie and for unintentional hilarity.

The movie itself is set as a slasher/whodunit hybrid where two utterly incompetent detectives are trying to find out who is murdering couples making out at drive-ins. Most of their investigative time is spent talking to the despicable and belligerent manager and 'Germy' the janitor as well as a spot of cross-dressing and interrogating patrons of the drive-in. There is also a boring sub-plot about the owner moving away.

Well, the movie drags on for a little over an hour and still feels long at that point and either the film ran out of cash or the screenwriter wrote himself into a hole and credits role with the case going unsolved and a cheap scare announcement that there's a murderer on the loose in 'YOUR DRIVE-IN.'

While the movie would be watchable with MST3k, Rifftrax, or Cinematic Titanic commentary it's boring and tedious unless you've got a lot of beer and/or a few friends with you. It does have one thing going for it though, it makes me pine for the days of watching movies at a drive- in or second run theater.

Another Son of Sam (1977)

When local movie-making goes wrong.

[3/10 · 24 February 2015]

I have a oft spot in my heart for small time local movies on a tight budget and made up of aspiring talent and lack thereof. Sure they might be wretchedly executed or star nobodies and ha-beens but they have a special shine to them like a piece of furniture you made yourself.

Then of course there's movies like 'Another Son of Sam' which is just awful. I don't even think it would work as an MST3k episode since it's far too boring and far too forgettable to have any great memorable lines. Sure, there's a part in the beginning with some washed up lounge singer bellowing away with some song that plays repeatedly through the movie, but other than that it's too dry.

Imagine a movie about an escaped killer who was abused by his mother and takes it out on any victim he can find at a girl's dormitory and there's a hard-boiled cop and an elite SWAT unit hell-bent on taking him out while making sure no harm comes to any civilians trapped inside. Okay, now take out anything even close to terror, suspense, tension, excitement, competence, etc. and you have this movie. The film feels like it's made by a local sheriff's department on how absolutely not to capture a deranged homicidal maniac. They shoot unarmed girls, can't seem to shoot the gunman, never follow directions, and do all they can to show you how terrible they are at acting as if a real sheriff with no acting ability were to star in the film.

Even if you like low budget local flicks or bad action movies make sure to steer clear of this. Even if you're watching this with friends and having a few brews it's still dull as dishwater. You'd probably enjoy the likes of 'Drive-In Massacre' or 'Invasion of the Bee Girls' far more if that's your fancy.

Terror at Tenkiller (1986)

Objectively terrible, but it just has a good nostalgic feel to it.

[6/10 · 24 February 2015]

I saw this movie a very long time ago, maybe 1988-1990 when I was pretty young and didn't think it was terrible since at that point I also thought that NES had great realistic graphics and comic book characters stay dead.

Recently though I tumbled on the Rifftrax version of the film and I thoroughly enjoyed the treatment they gave the movie. I also got a wave of nostalgia and loss as I viewed the film since it now seems otherworldly. It brought me back to the time when the majority of families had the time and money to travel during the summer or have a lake cabin or family retreat or spend time at a lodge to escape the hustle and bustle. Granted I didn't have the same hangups as people in the film had to deal with being unceremoniously murdered but hey, most people who didn't live near Tenkiller or Crytal Lake didn't really have to worry too much about that.

Sure the movie was boring, and was badly made even for straight to video standards but despite all that I still enjoy watching it from time to time. I also find myself perusing websites dealing with cabin rentals. Terror at Tenkiller really did make me want to head out to a nice cabin in the woods near a lake. No other slasher has made me dwell on that.

Father Ted (1995–1998)

Too soon for American audiences...

[8/10 · 20 January 2015]

This was a great show that I've sadly only recently seen. It has a great ensemble and that nugget of pure wit and charm that many shows these days lack. From the off the wall antics and stupidity of Dougal to the drunken screed of "drink" from Father Hackett this show has the feel of something comedically simple but wonderful. I've seen plenty of shows and movies made after the show that borrow from it heavily. I'm sure somewhere that Seth McFarlane was scribbling heavily when he saw the outlandish non-sequiturs and smash-cuts to new locations for the sake of a bit.

If you like classic sitcoms then this is a spicy bit you need from the scores of lackluster examples of both yesterday and today.

Snakes on a Plane (2006)

Settle down fanboys...

[6/10 · 18 August 2006]

Look the movie was okay, it gave you what it advertised but its not the holy grail man. Is Hollywood getting so bad to where something that just says its got SNAKES ON A PLANE and gives you SNAKES ON A M*&@$&^$ PLANE causes the entire general population (and nerds, dorks, dweebs, fanboys, chunk heads, 40 year old virgins, that Ain't it cool guy) to off and praise it ad infinatum? Really people, be more critical and stop falling in line to hype. Apparently, we've reached a phase where Hollywood crap is digested much more easily than the good stuff. Who would've thought we've just given directors and hack screenwriters the green-light to make even cornier movies with impunity since our expectations are so low. Hey, now you don't even have to get a GED to write the next blockbuster. Just put some ridiculous combination together and bam, people are gonna flock to something like 'Boobs with nunchucks' (don't try that, I'm already writing a spec screenplay with Jessica Simpson as lead, got full backing from the Weinsteins AND Eisner) This is simply a dumb popcorn movie with a plot thinner than Paris Hilton's sex tape. Hollywood can give us better and our expectations are so low that we pay $8 at the box office in droves to see a movie like this because this week nothing else even comes close. That's right, nothing coming out of Hollywood this second is more impressive than SNAKES ON A PLANE. Which probably means Hollywood is out of ideas. I'd bet anyone $50 this was written by some guy with a laptop and screen writing for dummies book at Starbucks and completed in a single lunch break.

And just to show people here how bad it is, SoaP is currently 8.4, that means it is rated more favorably than: Chinatown, Hotel Rwanda, M, the Maltese Falcon, Aliens, A Clockwork orange, Reservoir Dogs, Ragin Bull, Saving Pvt. Ryan, Braveheart, Blade Runner, Cool Hand Luke, Treasure of the Sierra Madre, and Rashomon. Seriously people, improve your tastes a bit. Watch something made more than 6 months ago thats not pointless and derivative or some worthless remake, improve on your attention span, anything.

The Descent (2005)

Boring and predictable processed cheese

[2/10 · 4 August 2006]

Okay, I just saw it and I'm going to be righteous and indignant...

When sexy British spelunkers go out to the Appalachians to find a new cave system something 'gosh' goes awry. The main character (by main I don't mean most well developed and fleshed out character who drives the movie, instead I mean the survivor no one really cares about or knows) causes a cave-in, and they must now fight against a really lame Nosferatu/Gullom-esquire bunch of Chud rip-offs.

And of course, they die in succession, whoever died in what order I don't know since I didn't care about a single one of the sexy wannabe tomb-raiders.

THIS MOVIE IS NOTHING BUT CHEAP SCARES!!! The usual false sense of security and then bam, something quick happens. Then they get down into the dark to where you can't really see what's going on.

Moving on in the fill in the blanks, mad lib style of film-making comes in full force the crazy woman who becomes like one of the cave dwellers and slays enough to get the mandatory gore level required for an R-rating (and I'll bet there's gonna be an NC-17 version too, with 30 extra seconds of someone getting hacked.) Then, the sole survivor finds a way out (and stabbing someone who ACCIDENTALLY killed someone, leaving her to fend for herself)And we then realize she went in a huge circle since the cars they left ARE RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF HER WHEN SHE GETS OUT OF THE SECOND CAVE!!!! Also, really weird that these cave people are so close to the county roads. You'd figure some hick would find them.

So, in my professional opinion, don't watch this movie, in fact don't watch any horror movie made after 'Silence of the Lambs,' well, maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaybe 'Candyman'. It's a fact, Hollywood will never make horror movies like they used to. All they're doing right now is remaking old horror movies and its wearing thin. C'mon, the Hills have eyes? House of Wax? The originals weren't all that great but they were at least better made than glossy cash-in remakes!!!! One day Hollywood, there's gonna be a revloution and you will not be spared!

Land of the Dead (2005)

A decent installment...

[7/10 · 1 July 2005]

It's all in all just another Zombie movie, but a good zombie movie. It was worth the $8 to see and I got no real complaints. Sure, the acting was wooden and I thought the lead Zombie was a better actor than all the uninfected.

Romero knows better than to be what he isn't. He's not a sociologist but he throws in just enough social commentary to where it won't muddle the story. Yeah, rich autocrats are evil but Romero didn't bog the plot down in it at all. There was just enough to get the gist of what he was saying (which if you read masque of the red death you'll find his primary source material).

I definitely woulnd't use the lead guy again since he's a scene chewer but thank god they didn't mire the story in some hokey love story. His 'slow' friend was a nice touch and even the Samoan didn't get enough screen time to ruin a scene. Leguizamo surprisingly didn't play the stock character Latino straight out of an episode of the Lopez show instead just portrayed what would happen if a guy got tossed into his situation, unlike say how Martin Lawrence does his rendition of what happens when a black guy gets put in a specific situation. Asia Argento, man did she waste her potential on some bad movies. Why did she agree to do XXX? She even picked the wrong Argento flick to be in (Trauma) and then her only decent movie went straight to video (Stendahl Syndrome). Poor Asia, she was good in this for all the 3 minutes she's in it.

The zombies too I'm glad have personality in this one. Most other directors just make them fodder or huge faceless crowds and think they can make them more interesting by making them fast. Not Romero though, you gotta have a few interesting ones in the bunch. The gas attendant ghoul and king of all other zombies was a good touch and so were the ones who learned how to use tools. It's a nice twist and its probably the last new thing to come out of a zombie flick.

However, there were some really corny deviations at homage. The zombies rising up from the water was shot for shot a complete derivation of 'Carnival of Souls.' But hey, Romero packed the goods even for a dumbed down MPAA approved popcorn flick which I assume will get a steroid boost of gore in the unrated DVD which almost seems mandatory for horror movies these days. There are a lot of visible patches in the continuity and definitely a lot of gaps between scenes. The legless zombie climbing aboard the Dead Reckoning is an obvious example. Either that or he ran out of money to have a final scare.

I'd bet anything Romero would be more than willing to pump out more of these and who knows, it could become a series. This on easily makes up for the mess made in Day of the Dead. Romero dropped a huge hint with all the extra survivors. What horror movie has almost double digit survivors? Hopefully that'll be remedied. Especially killing off the lead guy in the next one would be nice.

Bloody Che Contra (1968)

Nice, but dreadfully inaccurate

[6/10 · 19 March 2005]

The film was made right after Che was executed in Bolivia and his corpse was still fresh when they started writing it. The names and events were largely unknown to the world and Che's own Bolivian diary wasn't published yet. All the screenwriter had to go one were sanitized newspaper clippings.

Francisco Rabal's depiction of Che also suffers from lack of knowledge. While he does a pretty decent job as Che, he's still just a cardboard cut-out of the real thing. His demeanor as Che isn't as schizhophrenic and inconsistent as Omar Sharif's rendition in CHE! (1969), and Rabal radiates with the romanticized version of Che that derives from his mythos and empire of kitcshy posters and t-shirts; not reality.

His troupe is mostly made up of archtypes of guerillas and not the real ones. For instance, a black guerilla COULD be Che's trusty assistant/bodyguard Harry 'Pombo' Villegas. However there are no known ones like Inti, Dario, Moises, Tania, or the like, they don't even name Regis Debray, instead they just call him the 'French Reporter.' One time a guerilla even claims that he served with Che in Guatemala. Che didn't know ANY Cuban Guerillas when he was there during Arbenz's ouster and Che never sent any missions to Guatemala when he was in the service of Cuba. Rather, Che only fought in Zaire (which this movie makes no reference of since it wasn't known at the time) and Bolivia.

Notwithstanding, the Barrientos regime is vilified, as should all Latin American dictatorships, but not in the manner of making them a 2-D pack of wolves. The white rangers are seen as just soldiers but the regime itself is just plain bad and Bolivian regulars are just dumb and incompetent.

Thus far, no satisfactory roles of Che have made it to the screen (with the possible exception of Bernal in Motorcycle Diaries) and sadly no decent biopic has come out about the 20th century's most (in)famous guerilla and in any case just a good old fashioned story about the Third-World's attempt to rip off their colonial shackles.