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cael_cyndar_2004
Reviews
CrossBones (2005)
If you want to see the best part of this movie...
...look at the box art. If you want to see the second-best part, fast-forward through approximately 99% of the movie, stopping only for the parts where the producer's gold-digging girlfriend is in a bikini or lingerie. The two or three minutes of screen time she takes up dressed like that is essentially the only part of this movie that's watchable. This movie has actually surpassed HOUSE OF THE DEAD on my Top 5 Worst Movies I've Ever Seen list.
You hear that, people? This is *worse* than Uwe Boll's HOUSE OF THE DEAD! As far as why--When your movie is theoretically about a cursed zombie pirate, it should actually have a cursed zombie pirate in it! The movie's only ninety minutes long, yet it takes over fifty minutes for the "fearsome pirate" to kill someone. (And if that guy's a fearsome pirate, I'm Julia Roberts.) The characters on the reality show are all obnoxious to a ridiculous extreme, except for two of them. Within 5 minutes of their introduction, you'll know who you want to die, and predictably enough, they do.
If you want to enjoy the time spent watching this garbage, turn on the movie and go do something else for 90 minutes. If you insist on actually sitting down in front of the movie, either fall asleep or bring some strong drinks.
Slither (2006)
This is the B-Movie with everything, except a B-Movie Title...
(apologies to Joe Bob Briggs) What do you get when you give a guy who makes Troma movies a bigger budget? A Troma movie with good special effects. What I don't understand is why they didn't give this B-movie a title that fits a B-movie, like, "Invasion of the Brain-Eating Slugs from Outer Space." If you've seen "Resident Evil," "Dead Alive," or "Night of the Creeps," you've seen this movie; the only difference is that SLITHER plays it up for comedy (and succeeds). With Nathan Fillion as the Chief of Police ("Bring your guns; we don't want any Lyme Disease popping out at us"), Michael "Why am *I* never the main character?" Rooker as Grant Grant, The Man with Two First Names ("MEAT!"), Gregg Henry as the Mayor ("I've never seen stuff like this! And I watch Animal Planet ALL THE ****ING TIME!"), and Elizabeth Banks as a woman who talks about the sanctity of marriage vows with a mutated alien squid-blob thing. Over 100 dead bodies. Acid-spitting zombies. Zombie deer. Shotgun to the head. Curling Iron Fu. Propane Fu. Hairbrush Fu. Fingernails Fu. Signpost Fu. Tentacle Fu. Loveseat Fu. Fire Extinguisher Fu. Acid-spit Fu. Exploding head. Exploding swimming pool. Exploding alien slug. Exploding alien blob-monster. Gratuitous flesh-eating. Gratuitous dead animals. Gratuitous severed dog head. Cael says check it out.
Envy (2004)
Excruciating
This has to be the most brutally unfunny "comedy" I've ever seen in my life. Ben Stiller, Jack Black, and Christopher Walken as a crazed homeless man CAN'T make me laugh? Something's got to be wrong with this picture. This is the only movie I've ever felt like walking out of. I used free passes, and still felt like I wanted my money back. I can wholeheartedly say that the only movie I've ever seen worse than this one was HOUSE OF THE DEAD. The. ONLY. worse. movie. I laughed very slightly at the merry-go-round scene, and that's it. Spending 2 hours in something billed as a comedy should get you more than one laugh, right? I don't know, I guess the filmmakers thought that "flan" was a funny word, or something. And the other running joke really is beating a dead horse--literally.