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CSI: Miami: Point of Impact (2009)
Unbelievable incompetence
I usually watch CSI: Miami because the acting is terrible and the plots ridiculously funny. This was a beauty!
SPOILER ALERT!
A Cadillac Escalade (SUV/4WD) is driving along a suburban street when it swerves to avoid an alligator crossing the road - as you do in Florida.
Just as it is swerving, a (stolen) Rolls Royce is entering the same road into the same direction, from a side street. Just to clarify: both vehicles are travelling in the same direction at similar speeds.
The Cadillac has an unknown fault with its power steering and the driver cannot correct the swerve and skids into the rear of the Rolls, causing the death of both drivers.
The cause of the power steering failure?
The son of the (female) driver had hidden a small packet of marijuana near the Cadillac's firewall and as he was poking down the foil packet with a pocket knife, he accidentally slices the power steering hose!
This is an incredible knife because the power steering is located on the FRONT of the engine and the hoses travel directly down to the steering box. They do not go anywhere near the rear of the engine nor the firewall. Also, power steering hoses are robustly-tough, high-pressure hoses and cannot be nicked or sliced accidentally with a pocket knife.
Later, when 'Mr Wolfe" is removing the high-pressure, power steering hose, he goes under the passenger cabin of the Cadillac, yet - as I said before, the hoses are at the front of the engine bay. The only thing under the cabin is the exhaust, propeller shaft, hand-brake cable and fuel line.
And how did they discover the secreted stash of marijuana? The lights suspended in the engine bay created so much heat that they somehow managed to cook the grass leaves inside the foil! The Cadillac had been in a major accident so there would probably be broken fuel lines, spilled oils, etc., so the chance of a fire was exacerbated by these dangerous lights! Any sensible investigator would be using cool lighting like fluorescent or LED lights.
And why was a CSI involved in a traffic collision anyway? This was a job for a team of Serious Crash Unit professionals.
Finally, a Rolls Royce would not be so seriously damaged by a same- direction collision. And its driver would easily walk away from the minor bingle without a scratch - not death.
This showed the CSI team to be a complete bunch of clumsy idiots who had absolutely no idea what they were doing and who could not extrapolate the data, nor search for the correct information in the first place!
All-in-all, one of the silliest CSI: Miami's ever! I loved it!
(Gotta wait for the 'Horatio side-on look' and when he takes of his sunnies - DRINK!)
Marple: A Pocket Full of Rye (2008)
Wrong Actress
Julia McKenzie is a wonderful actress, well-known for her role in the English comedy Fresh Fields and its sequel French Fields. She was also wonderful in Shirley Valentine. Ms McKenzie is an elegant, quality actress who brings a touch of class to her roles ... all except for Miss Jane Marple.
Julia McKenzie is just too young, tall and attractive for this role. Miss Marple is traditionally a wizened, sometimes dithery, diminutive old lady, who is unnoticed and unobtrusive - but sees all.
It is a pity but this is not the right role for Julia McKenzie. Geraldine McEwan, Joan Hickson, Helen Hayes - even dizzy Margaret Rutherford are more suited to the stereotype of a Miss Marple.
Other than that, the classic Agatha Christie stories cannot be beaten.
Passions (1999)
Drama? You MUST be kidding!
If ever you thought television couldn't sink so low, watch this incredible tripe. You will sit - open mouthed - as you watch scene-after-scene get worse than the one before.
It calls itself a drama, but I have watched it just to cheer myself up on a dismal day.
The dreadful acting is only surpassed by whomsoever called him/herself a scriptwriter. I would not be at all surprised if the orangutan - yes, there's an orangutan - wrote the scripts, but I reckon it would do a better job.
Poor John Mills will be spinning in his grave to see his daughter Juliett playing a ditsy witch named Tabatha. And 'Tabatha' isn't the only character the mediocre scriptwriters have stolen from the 'Bewitched' television series of the 60s. You will also find 'Hecuba' and even the farcical 'Dr Bombay', played by the original actor! Then there was the 'living doll' Timmy who, when he came alive, talked of himself in the third person and with a terrible lisp, whilst wearing gloves stolen from a Mickey Mouse marionette. (The poor actor has since died.)
No, for a fun afternoon watching a car crash, tune in to Passions... it's like Little Britain and The Office rolled into one, but without the intentional comedy.
Carry on Behind (1975)
The humour is tired
By this time (1975) the humour of the double entendre was wearing thin - every line had been done over and over in previous Carry On movies, plus most of the original Carry On team had either passed away or just passed on appearing in this shocker. (Unfortunately, this wasn't the worst as Carry On Emmannuel was to follow and finally kill off the Carry On franchise.) Kenneth Williams can only flare his enormous nostrils so much before you want to stuff them with carrots. He wrote in his diary: "...it's the worst script I've ever read." "...it is unfunny and is mostly concerned with heavily contrived slapstick. Don't know why on earth they offer it to me." So, if it's a rainy winter's afternoon, you're not feeling well, there's nothing on any other TV channel and you PC is broken, then watch this... it'll pass the time. Otherwise, go do something else!
2103: The Deadly Wake (1997)
This film should be burned and never shown again!
Shown in Australia as 'Hydrosphere', this incredibly bad movie is SO bad that you become hypnotised and have to watch it to the end, just to see if it could get any worse... and it does! The storyline is so predictable it seems written by a high school dramatics class, the sets are pathetic but marginally better than the miniatures, and the acting is wooden.
The infant 'muppet' seems to have been stolen from the props cupboard of 'Total Recall'. There didn't seem to be a single, original idea in the whole movie.
I found this movie to be so bad that I laughed most of the way through.
Malcolm McDowell should hang his head in shame. He obviously needed the money!
Final Run (1999)
A really funny movie...
This is one of the funniest travel-catastrophe movies I've seen... pity it was meant to be serious!
As soon as the so-called engineer spilled his cup of water into the computer system, I knew it was going to be a stupid movie.
This engineer didn't even know what to do to bypass the computer and was frantically searching through the manual, which he obviously had never read before... some training! (No pun intended.)
The only thing missing from this crappy, ground-based 'Airport' was the elderly stowaway and the nun. We had the pompous politician, the emergency heart attack, the driver (pilot) who fell off the train (really!) and so on...
If you have a choice to see this movie or watch paint dry... go for the paint!