zach8270 Reviews

Zombies Anonymous (2006)

Very disappointing

[19 October 2012]

The premise of this movie was pretty decent, and I thought rather funny. Unfortunately it didn't deliver.

I don't quite see how people can rave about how great this movie was and how great the talent was. It was ultra low budget with very forced acting and sub-par makeup. Did I say forced acting? I meant terrible acting. Overly dramatic attempts to do simple things like cocking a shotgun. Moves from sad to really annoying. What was the budget for this fiasco? 13 bucks? The idea of a zombie support group is rather intriguing, but turns out that the zombies in question are self-loathing zombies? Come on.

Honestly it reminded me of a low budget version of every single other movie that scapegoats a group of society real or imagined, be it aliens or zombies, in some sort of thin ploy to expose the ways of our society. Been done, shouldn't be done again. Waste of 90 minutes of my life.

The Woman (I) (2011)

One more "movie" for the pile

[29 October 2011]

It seems these days that people are all about "horror" movies that are nothing but gore and splatter on situations that could be real. So basically they're into watching a controlled version of what happens in the world. Kind of sick for the species if you ask me.

This "movie" if you can call it that, was just that. Excessive gore when there was no need for it other than to cover up a weak movie, much like Eli Roth in his Hostel series.

Find a woman in the woods and chain her in your basement because you want to civilize her? I'm surprised that there wasn't a Bible or a priest somehow involved in this.

And for those reviewers that say this is a feminist movie, how so? Letting a guy punch a woman and abuse his children until they free the psycho to kill him? Get real.

This is the kind of thing that I could sadly see happening in the world. So what's scary about that other than the reflection of society? In conclusion of this review of this wretched pile of garbage, to call this movie a horror movie is a mockery of the horror genre. Horror movies are supposed to mess with the mind with subtleties and touch on insanely impossible situations. As stated before, excess gore covers for a lack of plot. And it's a shame too. I really enjoyed McKee's earlier film, May.

Pity.

Hobo with a Shotgun (2011)

You're kidding, right?

[16 July 2011]

I'm not going to tell you about the plot because there isn't one.

I'm not going to describe the acting because it's putrid.

I'm not going to comment on the filming because it's crummy.

It looks like a high budget Troma movie, but nowhere near as entertaining. It's an hour and a half of my life that I'll never get back. The movie industry really is in dire straits if things like this are getting produced.

It's trying to be something it isn't. It's trying to be a throwback to the 1970's true Grindhouse movies, but it's nowhere even close.

Don't bother. Poor Rutger Hauer.

The Room (2003)

Pathetic piece of "cinema"

[10 April 2011]

Once again, this is one of those times when I wish I could give a movie a 0 or, even better, a negative number. But I guess I'll have to settle for a 1.

People are honestly comparing this to other cult movie classics? How dare they? Even comparing it to Plan 9 From Outer Space isn't fair to Ed Wood. At least there were good parts and laughable parts in Plan 9. There's absolutely nothing redeeming about this movie and certainly no humor in it whatsoever. It's not a black comedy. It's something entirely different and all awful.

The acting is forced and tired. The lines are pathetically written, if they were actually written, and delivered by people trying to act. This movie appeared to have a large budget. My question is where did it all go? That brings me to the plot, or lack thereof. Woman unhappy so she goes and has sex with other men seemingly every other scene? Makes up lies about him hitting her? It's just horrible. It's like a bad scene from a high school or a college brought sadly to life on a movie screen.

The actors are just... terrible. Trying so hard to act and making the failure of the movie even worse. When a director has to get cryptic and "deep" about the meaning of a movie, that just means that he knows that he's failed and has realized it so he has to hide behind a shroud of mystery to try to save it. Sorry, but it didn't work.

The constant laughing of the characters is annoying. The football scenes don't make any sense. And for as much as they supposedly love it, no one knows how to throw one.

In conclusion, this is just awful. These actors should be ashamed of themselves and do us all a favor by never performing in another movie ever again.

Paranormal Activity 2 (2010)

And I thought the first one was terrible

[25 February 2011]

More motion sickness inducing "lost footage" from what appears to be a bleeding and wounded Hollywood. Supposed to be a prequel, but turned into a combination of the two movies.

Poorly acted and horribly shot, I can't really find anything redeemable about the movie.

So the sister has the demon and then the husband shifts it to her sister? Talk about a stretch there.

And why oh why do these people apparently not have a flashlight in their house? If something was attacking my child, the last thing I'd be worried about is the flipping night vision on a camcorder so I could see where I was going.

Poor. Don't waste your time.

Clash of the Titans (2010)

Nice effort but a bit confusing

[21 February 2011]

I came into this movie with not many expectations as I didn't want to ruin it, but there was just too much going on to keep straight.

The Greek idea of this movie was definitely apparent; the clash between the humans and Olympians. However, they added too many other mythological ideas. The kraken, which is from Norse mythology, was supposedly created by Hades. Along the voyage, Perseus and his group encounter Jinns, from Arabic myths. Not sure why they were even there, but apparently they come with an alien-like self destruct mechanism.

Medusa is pretty much the Roman mythology version of the character. Ravaged by Poseidon and punished by Athena. In the Greek mythology, she and Poseidon lay together, and she didn't beg Athena for help.

Many of the myths of Greek mythology are there but changed. Andromeda being sacrificed to the kraken is close, but there's no kraken in Greek mythology.

Beyond that, the movie looked very good. I liked the plot idea and I was a very big fan of the CGI. Medusa looked great, as did the kraken, even though it turned into a more advanced looking version of Godzilla and Gamera. And for some reason, Perseus falls in love with Io rather than Andromeda as he did in mythology.

Zeus was humbled in the end, which is rather the opposite of his character, and Hades was portrayed for most of the movie as a feeble old man who cowered from Zeus. Again, the opposite of mythology as all of the Olympians feared Hades. Sadly, when the battle between Hades and Perseus came, it was over too quickly with one sword throw.

But besides my finding faults with the mythological side of the movie, it was entertaining and well done. The CGI, as said before, was very good and it had a great plot to it.

The Dark Knight (2008)

How do you vote this movie this high?

[20 February 2011]

It boggles my mind how this movie can be ranked so highly. To have this in the top ten movies of all time is a travesty. Is it a good movie? It's not bad. But is it worthy to be the tenth best of all time? Absolutely not.

Christian Bale, as I've thought about the first movie, is not Batman. The gruff angry voice isn't intimidating. It's annoying. Even as Bruce Wayne he's lacking. Lowering your voice and growling at people doesn't make you a good actor, nor does it make a good character.

I'm not going to go into plot specifics, but I just have my thoughts to say. Besides Christian Bale butchering the Batman character, there's the same complains I had about this movie as the first one with him in it. The Batcave isn't a cave. It's a warehouse. The Batmobile is a tank. It's not a car and it's not even cool looking. It's angular and bulky and horrific.

In conclusion, the movie is lacking a lot. Heath Ledger did a good job, but that was about it. The action was good, but Christian Bale ruined it for me. I don't believe how people can be that fooled by this movie that they'll put it at #10.

Mega Python vs. Gatoroid (2011 TV Movie)

Don't waste your life like I did

[29 January 2011]

If it was possible for a 0 or a negative rating, this would get it. Don't waste your time watching it. It's not even over and I can't help but review it and just talk about what an awful pile it is. Why am I reviewing it now? Because You can tell how it ends.

First off, the acting is atrocious. Too much fake attitude coupled with a tired storyline. Team Debbie vs. Team Tiffany? The movie's so bad, the two main actors are making fun of it during the commercial breaks. What's that tell you? There's no good scene in the movie. Not even the cat fight, which is a poor attempt to keep the viewers attention and it failed miserably. The special effects look like they had a budget of about $14.

In short, I wish I could find some redeeming quality about the movie, but the only redeeming quality it has is that it'll end soon. God, Tiffany can't even help but plug her own song as a line in the movie. Absolutely pathetic.

Zombie Diaries (2006)

Missed the mark

[17 January 2011]

I'd been warned about this movie by several of my friends, but I was determined to accept it as a challenge to see if I could get through it.

Now, looking back at it, I wish I would've listened to them. I do agree with several of the reviews that the idea of the film sounded promising. Lost video diaries documenting the escalation of the zombie apocalypse sounds like something that would be a fresh change from the rest of the zombie genre.

Unfortunately, the acting and the dialogue doesn't hold up to the expectations you have for it. I'm not a big fan of the hand-held camera style. It's too jumpy and too hard to focus on any one thing. The use of night vision, while supposed to add an eerie feel to it, just makes the jumps and camera glitches all the more apparent.

The acting was mediocre at best and I didn't think that the special effects and makeup was up to snuff either. Could've been good, but unfortunately, it wasn't.

Paranormal Activity (2007)

Utter garbage

[17 January 2011]

I wish I could vote less than one. People actually enjoyed this pile? Idea sounds great but three minutes into the movie, you realize that you're boned.

Another of the terrible genre of "lost" videos discovered that are supposed to shed light on some traumatic experience or event. Sadly, it's a poor excuse for macho male bravado and poor camera work.

The boyfriend who constantly provokes a demon that's been shown to be troubling his girlfriend? How cliché can you get? The girlfriend who refuses to do anything even after he blatantly ignores her pleas for assistance and goes against her wishes to get an Ouija board to contact the spirit? Please.

The never-ending power supply on the camera seems a rather convenient tool.

If you're jumpy, you'll get scared by the loud noises and sudden movements. But if not, all this movie is going to do is bore you to death. The beginning was awful, the dialogue was awful, the acting was awful and the only saving grace the ending had was that it meant the movie was over.

South Park: Cartoon Wars: Part 1 (2006) Season 10, Episode 3

Part of the downward spiral that is South Park

[10 June 2008]

I think it's sad that a previously entertaining show like South Park (yes, I did like the show) has to resort to wasting two episodes having the characters engage in a battle claiming that another cartoon show isn't funny. All they did was give a one hour long commercial for Family Guy. Are they jealous that Family Guy has such a huge following? Beyond that, South Park has really taken a downhill turn since pretty much the end of season 5. Since then it's been sadly one good episode every two seasons. There was one good episode in season 8 (AWESOM-O) and the World of Warcraft episode in season 10 was hands down one of the funniest things I've ever seen. The only problem is that they rely too much on "pushing the buttons" of everyone that they can't be funny without resorting to racism, sexism, or vulgarity. A shame. They claim that Family Guy is nothing but interchangeable jokes. This is true, and guess what? It works! Family Guy is the far superior show to South Park today.

Dead End (I) (2003)

Don't drive alone

[24 July 2005]

After this one, I really didn't feel like driving alone at night on a poorly lit road for a while. The Harrington family, fathered by Ray Wise, decides to take a short cut through deserted country roads on their way to visit relatives. Then the trouble really begins.

When they stop to pick up a mysterious woman in white they find wandering through the woods, the family finds themselves in a gruesome cat and mouse game with a mysterious assailant. Continually driving in a straight line with no towns or any signs of life, they get picked off one by one as they stop to investigate goings-on on the road and the nearby woods. After losing two family members to an ominous black hearse, they decide that they're stuck on an army access road and can't possibly be far from a town.

The only problem is that the town never seems to arrive. Destruction and death continues accompanied by an eerie sensation whenever the car stops and the family tries to escape. One awesome movie, until the end.

Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004)

Not as dumb as you would think

[24 July 2005]

After seeing the previews for this, I thought to myself that what it would be is another teen movie about stoners in search of food. While that's basically what it is, there was a lot more to it than I had initially thought.

Full of humor and random stupidity, this movie definitely made me laugh a lot. It was nice to get a lesser known and somewhat dying (at least on the east coast) fast food chain some good screen time. Perfect movie to throw on for a party when you have a lot of friends around.

Very funny, very entertaining and I've never heard of a bad reason to have Neil Patrick Harris in anything. Watch it. You'll love it.

Toolbox Murders (2004)

Great slasher flick with a twist.

[24 July 2005]

I had no idea what to expect from this movie, so I was very interested to view it. Once it began, it was easy to see the premise and then I decided to have it become a guessing game to see who was behind all of the action. This review will contain some spoilers, so please don't read on unless you've seen it.

The movie opens up with a very grizzly murder and just goes from there. It begins as a normal slasher flick... innocent people dying for no apparent reason and everyone seems confused as to what's happening and how to make it stop. Throughout the beginning, I was guessing to myself who was responsible for the murders, up until my choice got his head taken off by a power saw. At that point, I decided that I wasn't going to make anymore guesses. The movie is very well done, the action scenes are well-shot and very gruesome. The use of music is very good to heighten the mood. All-in-all, it was visually a very well done movie.

Once you finally get to the ending and see what's responsible for all the killings, you realize that it's like no movie you've ever seen before and that's what makes it great. In this movie age, it's always good to see something new and fresh. I recommend this one highly... watch it with the lights out. It gets really creepy.

House of 1000 Corpses (2003)

A great result for a first attempt

[24 May 2003]

Many reviews of this movie I have read have used said reviews as an opportunity to trash and insult Rob Zombie and his movie, saying that it's an immature slasher flick and senseless violence. Well, that's what it is and what it's supposed to be. I am going to take the high road however and actually talk about the movie. As my title says, I feel that this was an excellent result for Rob Zombie's first crack at writing and directing a motion picture. He does not, as I thought before I saw it, splatter his name, music all and his person throughout the movie. He made the movie with the intent of creating something similar to the great slasher flicks of the 1970's (Texas Chainsaw Massacre seems to be a large influence of this film) and that's exactly what he did. The movie is not made to be a deep or thought-provoking film. It is made to be a film that the viewer needs to sit back and turn off their brain to enjoy. The movie offered an escape from reality by watching something that is far from reality. It is senseless violence, yes. But it is also a cinematic wonder. There are many camera shots that I haven't seen in any other movies (negative shots and one scene where the camera actually pauses in a pan-out shot). The movie was made to be a tribute to the slasher flicks of olde and that's why people went to see it, not to find some hidden meaning about life. If you found yourself hating this movie, you may need to lighten up a bit. Don't take yourself too seriously. If you were insulted by this movie, don't go see it again. But there's no need to trash the writer/director for making something that he loves.

The Matrix Reloaded (2003)

a serious drop of the ball

[24 May 2003]

As soon as I began to see posters and hear talk about this movie, I was immediately excited. The Matrix was an incredible to behold and I couldn't wait to see the second one, especially after beginning to see the trailers for it at other movies. However, when I saw it, I left the theater extremely disappointed, as did many other movie-goers at the theater with me. While the action scenes in the movie were amazing as always, there simply were too few of them. In the first movie, there was constant fighting going on it seemed, but the second took a much more (and much unfortunate) preachy point of view. To sum up the plot, there wasn't much to it that wasn't expected. The machines were digging toward Zion with intent of destroying it (that's not a spoiler, everyone saw it in the commercials). The dialogue of the movie was absolutely horrendous. Unless you're a psychology major, you most likely will not understand most of what is said in the movie, and because of that simply won't care. It became somewhat of a romantic movie with the showing of events happening in the lives and relationship of Neo and Trinity. Agent Smith, for as bad-ass as he was in the first movie, seemed to get all religious and preachy. Personally, I don't need to hear about that or pay money to listen to it. The movie was a serious waste of my time, and I don't think I can watch the first one anymore. The dialogue and the constant boring and dry monologues from basically every character made me lose interest in the film quickly, and the small amount of good fighting scenes pushed me nearer the edge, and the ending of the movie shoved me right off. What movie ends with "To Be Concluded"? How original is that folks. I wonder if the Wachowski brothers had to burn the midnight oil to come up with that one. In conclusion, the movie was bad and that's the end of it.