jack_horner01 Reviews

The Matrix Revolutions (2003)

Funniest movie of the year, so far.

[16 November 2003]

Well what can i say? Apart from this movie being the most abstract ending to a trilogy ever, it is also one of the funniest.

The acting turns to nothing short of a bad christmas panto. Hugo Weaving is unforgivingly camp throughout, and is owner to one of the funniest bad guy laughs since.....well, since ever!

The film starts quite promisingly, for a moment i actually believed i could just forget i'd seen Reloaded, and just move this to a sequal. But this is not possible, as the film quickly becomes the biggest load of anal startch i have ever seen.

For those of you looking for any resolvement of the story, or explinations. Dream on. This, for some reason, is just some random addition to the films, there is NO plot.

Over kill of CGI, over kill of cruddy plot devices.

Save time. Read the bible, it's all in there anyways. Just change Jesus to Neo.

Spy Kids 3: Game Over (2003)

What a way to go!

[8/10 · 3 August 2003]

I must admit, Spy Kids 3-D is not one of Rob's best films. However, it is definately one of the better kids films on the market. The man seems to have no limits to his imagination, and it shows in this film. I sat in a packed cinema, and not one single person walked out of it un-happy. The film will not win awards, nor will it stand out as a major point in anyones career. It simply did it's job, and that was to entertain.

To be honest, i think the film would have benefitted if it was not is '3-d'. Not only was the gimmick a distraction, it was also quite uncomfortable. I found myself turning away from the film on several occasions to rest my eyes. Only on a few occasions, did the 3-D actually work, most times it simply seemed to blur and look poop.

The story is something that, as in most Rodriguez films, just takes a back seat to everything else. By the end of the film, you actually could not care less about the story. In fact, Rodriquez himself seems to through everything out of the window and end the film in the way he saw fit on that particular day of shooting. WARNING! If you have no imagination, or are'nt willing to let go of reality, then don't watch this film.

There are some fantastic cameos from the Rodriquez 'family'. He even brigns in a certain member from The Faculty cast. I think the only member of the 'family' missing is Tarantino.

This is deffinately one for fans of Rodriquez the kid and fans of the first two spy kid films inparticular. There are alot of references to spy kids 2, so make sure you see that one first.

Now he has got it out of his system, i can't wait to see Rodriquez the big kid again. Bring on Once Upon a Time in Mexico!!!!

8 out of 10.

Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines (2003)

Fan Boy Entertainment

[3 August 2003]

Possible subtle spoilers - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - I feel that Terminator 3 has nothing on the first two movies. However, it is deffinately one for fan boys. The one liners are better than in either of the first. The action sequences are far superior to any of that CG stuff in The Matrix. The plot is satisfactory. Kristanna Loken holds her own, and is deffinately the sexiest killer ever in film. Nick Stahl keeps the dull John Connor role alive. Claire Danes puts on a fairly good performance. Arnie..Well lets face it. Arnie is what we all came for. The Terminator is actually developing a sense of humour; "Speak to the hand!"

For a film that has over 200 CGI shots, i was suprised at how little it retracted from the film. As with films such as The Matrix, Hulk, and Spy Kids 3-D, the CGI was not showcased. It simply served as an aid for unperformable stunts and special effects! Has Hollywood gone crazy!? I was shocked to find that ILM had actually tried to cover up their special effects, rather than force them down the audeience's throat.

The film moves at a rapid pace, and simply puts the icing on the John Connor saga. The entire story is brought to a close. The T-101 finally reaches it optimal useage. I cannot see there being a T4, for the simple reason that there is nowhere else to take the story. Unless George Lucas gets hold of the rights. Then we will have a series of sequals that actually are prequals, about what is happening at the time of the machine war when the T-101, T-1000 and T-X are sent back in time. There would be three films. The first is when Karl Reece gets sent back, then when the human capture a T-101 and reprogramme it, and finally the birth of John's children. Lets hope not, ay.

I think John Mostow was very brave for taking this on. He had alot of people to please, and i think he has done a pretty good job. Obviously the Terminator films would not be the same without Arnie, but Mostow has proved the he can make a good film, U-571 is forgiven.

Cannot wait for the DVD, to see if they have any alternate endings. Did I mention that it is far better than The Matrix?

9 out of 10

2 Fast 2 Furious (2003)

2 bad 2 watch

[1/10 · 20 July 2003]

I watched this because my friend offered to pay for me, and we had some time to burn. So off i went skulking about the fact i would have to sit a watch a plotless film about cars (ooooooww! The excitment is too much).

I really really wished my friend had lost his wallet and could not have afforded the tickets, as this has to be possibly one of the worst films to grace the big screen. I have heared rumours that computer programmes have been created that write scripts. After watching this film i actually believe this. I seen porn films with better dialogue.

The car chases were average at best. I honestly cannot be bothered to sit and abuse this film further. So i will simply end by saying this; if you have a brain, avoid this film.

The Salton Sea (2002)

A VALuable piece of cinema

[9/10 · 13 July 2003]

This film went straight to video in the UK. I do not know why, as it is simply wonderous. Everything from the script to the acting is all high grade stuff. I believed the characters, I was drawn into their world, and I was happy for Val Kilmer at the end of it.

This is not like most drug movies. As it is not actually about drugs. They are the McGuffin, we do not linger on the drug use for too long. This keeps the story moving, and actually helps merge the different genres without cause for alarm.

There is some very clever use of dialogue in the film. For instance, when Val begins to talk about the roots of crystal mephs, you can honestly believe he is a real junkie, which is very important to his character. Mr. Ocean is a wounderfully round bit-part. He talks and acts everything like someone who is high on their own supply.

I am going to keep this review short and sweet. So i will finish by saying, if you haven't seen this film rent it, if you have rented the film then buy it, lock it in a drawer for a year then watch it again. It will make your life better.

Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle (2003)

Prime example of the state Hollywood is in

[3/10 · 12 July 2003]

When you go to see Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle, be prepared to have part of your brain rot away. This has got to be one of the most demeaning films i have ever had the displeasure of watching.

Don't get me wrong. I have nothing against silly films, but only when there is something else to make up for it. Spy Kids is OTT, but it has reasonable action, funny gags, and it works in the world it sets. Old Sckool is cliched, but it is hilarious, and has some of the funniest moments to grace the screen in years. CA:FT has nothing going for it. The plot stinks, the action looks like a small child choreographed it, the acting is the hight of poor, the jokes are about as funny as watching grass grow, and there seems to be no sense of time.

For some unknown reason. The Angels are able to change costume instantly, they can defy the laws of both physics and gravity. They seem to be super human. And to all of this, not a single one of them is good looking. Demi Moore is the only female in the cast that looks bedable. I am not saying that the cast have to look attractive for the film to be any good, but if you are going to hype the characters to be godesses, then at least make them look half decent.

From an objective POV, you could see this film stinking from a mile off. What studio in there right mind, would trust a film to a guy who calls himself Mc G!? That name just speaks for itself. I honestly believe that guys like this make a mockery of film. People with real talent and vision spend their whole lives working very hard, striving to become directors, only to lose out to complete fools like Mc G. I think it is not only a shambles, but an embarrasment to the film industry. They have finally done it. Hollywood has finally killed the medium of film.

Let us hope that a ray can be found at the end of the tunnel. Otherwise cinemas will shortly have nothing to offer but films by guys with appreviated names about absolutely nothing. Audiences will become mindless idiots, as they are sat for 90 minutes and watching complete drivel. Attentions spans will reach an all time low, and soon fights will errupt for no reason. Entire cities will fight against their neighbours. Countries will fight each other, and an apocalypse will shortly follow. All this because a guy named Mc G decided he would make the most horrifically poor film he could.

The only reason i gave this film some merit was because they actually managed to string together a beginning, middle and end.

Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd (2003)

Stupid, Funny, and Better than most recent comedies.

[9/10 · 30 June 2003]

I saw the trailer for this, and was quite excited. A few of my friends were not interested in seeing the film, as they stupidly believed that it is not possible to make a good second installment to a film without any of the original cast or crew. So i dragged my brother to see it. Within moments we were in tears of laughter.

From the word go the film hits you with some of the silliest jokes you could imagine, and they work. From Lloyd thinking Harry's mum is the tooth fairy, to discovering that Lloyd's dad is in fact a latino school janitor (wonderfully played by the very charismatic Luis Guzman). Granted, most of the characters in the film are quite dumb, but that is what makes the film work. If, like in the 1st film, everyone except Harry and Lloyd were smart, the comedy would not work. You begin to understand why Harry and Lloyd are so incrediblly stupid. I also believe that if everything was the same as the 1st film, then people would just be saying "it is the same movie, nothing new".

Troy Miller has definately proved that he can make a good comedy. He is on par with the Zuker brothers and Jim Abrahams. I would love to see a Troy Miller movie starring Will Farrell, Chris Kattan, and Leslie Neilson. With cameos by Adam Sandler, Ben Stiller, Owen Wilson and Rbin Williams. Obviously, by looking at my choice of comedians, you will begin to understand my sense of humour. So if you do not find these guys funny, then i recommend you give this film a miss. Stick to the more 'straight comedies' such as Legally Blonde (ZZZZZZZ!!).

Derek Richardson has manged to mimic Jeff Daniels perfectly. It is very believeable to think he is a younger Daniels. Eric Christian Olsen brings something of his own to Lloyd. The voice is similar, but Olsen has obviously realised that mimicing Carrey will get him slated by critics and audiences, so Lloyd belongs to Olsen in this film.

I loved this film. On DVD release, it will definately find it's way into my collection.

I give it 4 out of 5.

28 Days Later (2002)

It's not a damn Zombie film!!!!

[10/10 · 30 June 2003]

I need to get this off my chest. All you morons who think this is a Zombie film, please hush your mouth. This is an horror/thriller movie about a post apocalyptic world, where most of the population is infected with a virus. The virus deteriorates the mind of the contractee and leaves them with nothing but rage. These vicious half humans scower the earth destroying anything that moves. In other words, it is a socialistic statement about rage in modern society, and how we see it in every day situations; road rage, trolley rage, domestic disputes etc. So there you go. Solved. It is not a poxy zombie film, so all you silly people can go away and watch the very haunting and original Jeppers Creepers or something childish.

Now thats out of the way. I will begin my review.

Danny Boyle. Trainspotting, Shallow Grave, (Cough) The Beach (cough). This guy is a great export for Britain, he is one of very few british directors who still exist today, that refuse to make gangster films or period dramas. He has, in my eyes, redeemed himself from The Beach by making this movie.

It is fast, furious, and work to be proud of. From the word go, the film shows a definate spark of an inventive mind. The dialogue, the framing, the choice of mise-en-scene. Everything seems natural, yet serves a purpose.

Although the film may not be scary, i feel it works the same as Blair Witch. There is no way i would go camping now, and after seeing 28 days later i always think about what effect my anger could have on people. If i am shopping, i begin to notice people arguing more. I wonder what it would be like if human traffic was no-existant.

This is deffinately a movie that will stay with you. You will remember entire sequences shot for shot, as it is very gripping stuff. This may not be a film for the kiddies, but it is deffinately one of the better horror films. I will be bold, and but it up there with The Shining and The Exorcist.

9 and 1/2 out of 10

Hulk (2003)

Hulk smash! Ang Lee destroy!

[7/10 · 30 June 2003]

First off. Better than Spider-man, not as good as Daredevil, on par with X-Men 1 and 2, not a scratch on Batman, a little under Spawn, and crushed by Superman. If you do not like any of the films i have said the Hulk not as good as, then go and see it. If you agree with the films i enjoyed, then go and see Hulk any way.

Good to see that Ang Lee has used the comic book for basis, and not the TV show. Don't get me wrong. I loved the show. But the film needs to be a comic book adaptation. So all you people saying, (IN WHINING VOICE) "Why is he 12 feet tall?" keep it shut.

I am not too sure i liked the transitions. Lee draws too much attention to them, thus retracting from the film and withdrawing the fantasy element. If you want people to belive what they see, they need to become one with the world they are viewing. Using silly comic transitions will take away from that.

I think we should have had a bit more Hulk for our money. Despite the fact that i would love to sit and watch Jennifer Connelly play sexy scientist for two hours, it is the big green beast that i have come to see.

Apart from Nick Nolte, most of the acting is very wooden. There is alot, of what i call, porno dialogue. Sentences seem to be written and spoken in a very abnormal way, the actors do not seem comfortable saying them. The scenes become very un-natural. However, saying that, nothing i have seen in ages compares to the famous Banner line said in another language. I actually yelled out in joy, after reading the subtitles. I cannot believe that Ang Lee made us wait until the final moments of the film to hear Banner say it. But it is definately worth the wait. I think he says it in Columbian.

The major problem with this film is that it is a spectical. The CGI, the silly fighter jet scene, the pathetic battle scene at the finale. These are all heavily reliant on the audience being wowed. There is no sense of reason behind them (Obviously, Lee has been watching the Matrix Reloaded too much).

The film is a good attempt at re-inventing a slightly confusing comic book character (what is the Hulk's actual purpose?). However, it falls slightly short and becomes just another Hollywood flopbuster.

3 and 1/2 out of 5

The Matrix Reloaded (2003)

Average, but fun

[22 May 2003]

First off, well done to all involved in this film. They have constructed an entertaining blockbuster. The advertising and budget has served the film well. It does exactly what it says on the tin. The action is asthetically pleasinng, and relies more on the choreography, special effects and the actors ability rather than the directors.

The story line is not much to go by. I feel that the directors may have even confused themselves in this one. By the end of the film they have complicated the plot too much and it actually retracts from the film rather than complimenting it.

I feel that the Zion stuff is all too unimportant and there seems to be, what i have labelled as George Lucas syndrome, spread throught. As they have tried to mix politics with spectical. It seems that Hollywood just will not learn that you cannot make politics exciting, and just trying to achieve it makes things worse. The club/sex scene it just possibly once of the most random moments in a film ever, and the directors are definately leading some form of secret s and m lifestyle.

There is not really much new material in the form or structure of this sequal. Just different characters and because Neo is now the one the fighting styles have become more complex.

The Matrix Reloaded has forfilled what is set out to do. I feel that fans should be content with the film and stop moaning. I give it 7/10. Ease up on the politics, stop being so sfx happy, and try not to be cleverer than you are.

House of 1000 Corpses (2003)

Pastiche of Horror

[12 April 2003]

POSSIBLE SPOILERS ---------

First off, i have never been a fan of the whole Rob Zombie, Marylin Manson movement. But i have to hand it to him. Rob has made a pretty cool satire here.

Those of you expecting to be scared or see gratuitous gore then you need not apply. As, despite what people may expect, this is all respectfully done. The horror is not hyped up. There is a skinning sequence that relies heavily on a Tobe Hooper technique of quick cuts, leaving the viewer's mind to fill in the gaps. The film has a couple of 'cat scares' but nothing to frightening.

I felt the film had a very good vibe until the coffin scene. After that, the film seems to spiral into a typical horror cliche. However, the film is redeemed by its less than conventional ending.

The woodern acting and cheesey dialogue fits the tone of the film perfectly. The humour is sinister and twisted, everything you would need to stop this from simply being just another horror film. Apart from the last ten minutes, this film does not fit into the whole teen horror bandwagon, which is good. This is a film for fans of the pure horror. Ranging from Texas Chainsaw to the old Boris Karloff movies.

A very good first attempt by Zombie. He deffinately has tried to vary his inspiration. There are airs of french new wave in the movie, and the use of cinema varite is choosen for the correct purposes, not just for cool visuals.

I will give this film 8 out of 10. The only things that let the film down was the final 10 minutes, and the lack of the Captain Spalding character. Well done Rob, hope to see what you can come up with next.

NOTE TO READER: THIS WAS WRITTEN IN A RUSH, SO THERE IS SOME VERY POOR USE OF ENGLISH. PLEASE RESPECT THAT I AM NOT JUST ANOTHER FILM FAN PLAY ACTING CRITIC. MY THOUGHTS ARE EDUCATED ONES AND ARE THERE FOR PEOPLE TO TAKE NOTE FROM. AND IT IS NOT POMPUS TO LEAVE FOOTNOTES ON YOUR REVIEWS.