FilmFatale Reviews

Holland Road Massacre: The Legend of Pigman (2020)

Messy, But Not in the Right Ways

[4/10 · 3 February 2024]

Holland Road Massacre: The Legend of Pigman tells what should be the simple and straightforward tale of the urban legend of a guy known as Pigman who inhabits the area around Holland Road and kills people who invade his territory, resulting in a massacre. I guess it mostly does, but HRM goes about things in such a strange and choppy way that it just doesn't feel like much of a massacre.

The viewer is plunked into the middle of things from the get-go, with a creepy older man picking up a body from the Pigman, since Pigman "doesn't keep" all of his victims. It's implied that the old man has his own fun with the leftovers. Then a bunch of characters are thrown into the movie, some to just be killed and some who end up with connections to other characters but those connections aren't set up well. This leaves it up to the viewer to piece relationships together with very little info. There's also an overlong "getting ready to go" montage that wastes time and goodwill. The kills are weird too; edited in such a way that we never really get a single good one. Usually, we see a victim just standing there - cut to Pigman - tight shot of hatchet - Pigman swings hatchet - victim grimaces in closeup - shot of blood splashing on snow - and on to the next one. Since the acting ranges from bad to hammy, it's hard to see any of these characters as real people.

HRM isn't entirely bad, though. You can actually feel the cold air of the exterior shots, and there's a delightful bleakness to the whole affair. I just wish there had been more time spent exploring the nastiness that's always bubbling just under the surface.

Death Tunnel (2005)

Too Much, Yet Too Little

[3/10 · 30 September 2023]

Death Tunnel is based on the real "death tunnel" at the Waverly Hills Sanatorium in Louisville, which was a way to get the deceased out of the facility without compromising morale of the other patients. Waverly Hills is a gorgeous location for a horror movie, so this could have been a slam dunk. The story is simple, but serviceable - a group of coeds find themselves trapped in the local abandoned haunted hospital, and they (possible spoiler) just may have a connection to the previous residents. The acting isn't great, and people trying to sound like they're from Kentucky fail pretty hard at it, but we've all seen worse. So why is this headache-inducing flick such a fiasco?

Because there are so many camera tricks, flashbacks, flash forwards, and random shots that it's damn near impossible for the viewer to get their bearings. Case in point: you know how some horror films start with the end (which usually ruins the suspense of who survives, but I digress) and then goes back to show you how the characters got there? Death Tunnel has a scene like that at the beginning, but the action it shows isn't from the end or even the final third - it's from the halfway point, and it's not even all that interesting once it happens. There are scenes shot at angles that make it look like characters are running sideways, effects added to "scratch the film" or to mess with the lighting balance, or to look like frames are missing so everything is like a jump cut, and because of the way it plays fast and loose with time, people are dead and alive and dead again and you just stop caring. There are a few fabulous gooey corpses here and there, and I gave a whole extra point for the location and the clever naming of the five main characters but there are dozen similar, better movies that are far more worthy of your time.

Anthropophagus II (2022)

The Gore Saves It, But Just Barely

[5/10 · 15 September 2023]

Seven female university students and their professor travel to an abandoned (well, mostly) bunker to work on a thesis for history or sociology or whatever (it doesn't matter), only to discover that they're not alone. Our gals weren't allowed to bring cell phones and were forbidden from telling anyone where they were going so here they are locked in the giant bunker with a cannibal, and only the creepy caretaker knows.

The ladies are attractive but the dubbing is atrocious and the dialogue is almost worse. Mr. Bunker Man is the most inefficient cannibal I've seen in ages - dude, you live in an abandoned bunker with a bad reputation in the middle of nowhere. There can't be much walk in traffic but ol' Bunky catches a girl, tortures her for a bit, and then starts to chow down without a thought to aluminum foil, plastic baggies, or a deep freeze.

His leftover loss is our gain though, because the kills and gore are mostly awesome. Impromptu C-section, scalping, degloving, tongue removal, and more, and they all look great. It was very weird to watch one character have her nose bitten off and then her head slammed into concrete until it's a big mess in one scene but when one of the leads finds her in the next scene, she looks mostly ok,but I'm not going to quibble. Watch for the effects and not the plot and you'll probably have a good time.

PS - this has nothing to do with the OG Anthropophagus or Absurd.

Last of the Grads (2021)

Too Long, But I Had a Lot of Fun

[7/10 · 14 July 2022]

Last of the Grads starts with two teen boys - one bullied by his mom and the other beaten by his dad - finding each other, making a pact, and getting revenge on their tormentors. One or both of them sets out on a cross country murder spree that lasts 25 years; the pièce de résistance will be a shocking scene of carnage at a Florida high school graduation dance and lock-in.

After we meet seemingly every student at Seacrest High, the movie finally gets down to mean-spirited business with some clever and gory kills, including a few I can't remember seeing before. Once the action finally starts, Last of the Grads moves along at a decent clip. Most of the performances are fine and there are some genuinely tense moments and even some surprises. Sure, 20-30 minutes should have been edited but there's a double digit body count so I'm not complaining.

Amusement (2008)

It Really is as Bad as They Say

[2/10 · 9 August 2021]

Ok, let me see if I followed along here...Once upon a time, three little girls made dioramas and then made fun of a little boy who made a horrific diorama. This somehow resulted in the boy being sent to the junior looney bin while the girls grew up and went their separate ways until somehow the now adult little boy manages to magically track them down and bring them (and his childhood counselor) a seedy hotel to get his revenge.

"Revenge for childhood cruelty" is a pretty basic horror/slasher plot but Amusement still manages to muck it up. I doubt these three girls were the only kids who made fun of the weird boy, and there's no specific incident shown that would warrant years of hatred and an elaborate revenge plot. The credits refer to the now-adult boy as "The Laugh" and he does indeed laugh annoyingly throughout the proceedings; he also demonstrates a penchant for disguises that could have been interesting but the idea is never developed. It requires way too much suspension of disbelief to accept how this dweeb is able to not only track down the three girls, but to then set a series of random events in motion and capture them. I'm generously giving Amusement a 2 out of 10 for a great creepy clown and one surprisingly good "joke" by The Laugh but beyond that, there's nothing remotely entertaining - let alone amusing - about Amusement.

4/20 Massacre (2018)

Thankfully NOT a goofy comedy but an OK throwback slasher

[5/10 · 29 May 2021]

Five girlfriends go camping in a national park to celebrate one's birthday. Unfortunately for them, there's a huge weed crop that someone is desperate to keep trespassers away from, and much bloodshed ensues.

I avoided this one for a long time because the title made me fear it was another stoner comedy masquerading as a horror homage but I'm happy to admit I was wrong. The biggest problem I had with 4/20 Massacre is that there are loooonnnng stretches of characters talking and then walking and then sitting and talking but things pick up by the third act. I was happy to see that the gore was plentiful and the kills were on camera; some of them were really mean-spirited which is always a plus. Is it great? No. But it's much better than many of the throwback slashers I've seen in recent years and I don't regret devoting 85 minutes to it.

Master Pieces (2020)

Not a slasher. Not a masterpiece.

[1/10 · 29 May 2021]

It's possible that in the time between being nominated for "Best Kill and Gore" and winding up on Tubi that some edits were made because there's little gore and nothing even close to a best kill on display. I'm also not sure how anyone could say Master Pieces is "an old school slasher" because it doesn't tick any slasher subgenre boxes. What it does give you is a whiny man who can't hold a job being berated by his new wife and a collection agency and sometimes he watches a radio talk show (yes, I know how that sounds but that's what happens). The performances are dire and the script (if there was a script) is a mess. Maybe it's supposed to be a surreal nightmare about an unraveling everyman? But if that's the case, it fails miserably there as well. Master Pieces - and how DARE you invoke the gloriously trashy Pieces in you title - isn't even worth watching for free.

Just because I was suckered into watching this pile of garbage after being told it was a slasher throwback doesn't mean you have to be.

The Hike (I) (2011)

Strangely Tame, All Things Considered

[2/10 · 26 May 2021]

A group of women on a girls trip in the woods run across some unsavory characters and end up having to fight for their lives. It's been done before, and better. The girlfriends don't seem to have a believable bond and it's hard to care about any of the characters and there's at least one character you think is going to provide a pivotal moment who just sort of disappears. The only truly interesting thing about The Hike is how it implies some pretty terrible things are gonna go down but then it handles them in the tamest way possible. I don't want to give details but if you end up ignoring all the other reviews and actually watch this movie, it will probably strike you as a bit odd as well.

Butchered (2010 Video)

Not Much Butchery, TBH

[2/10 · 17 May 2021]

Seven high school friends want to spend one last weekend camping on an isolated island. Unfortunately for them, a serial killer escaped custody and ends up on the very same island! What are the odds? It's a simple premise in a great location but this movie manages to waste every opportunity it can. Seven people. Remote location. Stalk, slash, end. I can kind of see the subplot about Dylan not wanting to take over the family fishing business and instead attend Stanford to become a lawyer but there's too much discussion about it. And why are we asked to care about his older brother's marriage and future plans? There are nubile young people trapped on an island with an escaped maniac, and we're wasting time with bro in a bar. The pacing is also weird - although there's a nice kill early on, it takes forever for our teens to meet The Butcher and once they do, there's no real sense of danger or urgency.

Whatever. I could deal with these failures if there had been some good gore on display but that's a big disappointment too and it's unforgivable. Look, the movie is not only called Butchered, the escaped psycho is a butcher with the nickname "The Butcher" so sue me if I expected some actual butchery. Perhaps they should have called it "Hit Once with an Ax" - otherwise, this is just an egregious case of false advertising.

The Bone Garden (II) (2016)

Fun for F13 Fans - but Ugh, That Final Act

[5/10 · 8 May 2021]

There's something strange going on in a lakeside town - grandmas are being murdered, nubile coeds are disappearing, Professor Hardy is skeezing on said coeds to the chagrin of his wife Alice, Alice's best friend Laurie is celebrating her divorce with a new Mustang convertible and sexing up all the young men she can find, and the Hardys have new neighbors but all Mr. And Mrs. Myers seem to do is argue. When Alice sees Mr. Myers dumping what looks like a body in the lake, she starts to suspect he may be behind the deaths and disappearances - but is it that simple?

Possible Spoilerish Paragraph: Of course it isn't, and that's the biggest problem with The Bone Garden. You know how sometimes filmmakers shoot three different endings for a movie to keep the killer a surprise? For some reason, The Bone Garden appears to have done that and then decided to just add them all into the third act. Up until that debacle, this is a fairly serviceable middle-aged slasher, which is an interesting twist on the formula. There's decent pacing and a strange mood that led me to think this might be a hidden gem, but the final act really kills any goodwill the first two thirds have generated.

The only real reason to watch The Bone Garden is for its various connections to the Friday the 13th franchise, with some nods to other genre films. Paul Kratka and Tracie Savage from Part 3 even star as the Hardys - and Alice Hardy's dog is named Jason. It was fun to spot the references, as names, shots, and entire lines of dialogue are lifted from those earlier films but without this extra layer, I doubt a casual viewer would find much to dig within The Bone Garden.

Let's Scare Julie (2019)

Frustrating

[3/10 · 25 April 2021]

At its core, Let's Scare Julie is about four teen girls who decide to play a prank on the new girl (Julie) who just moved into the creepy house across the street; spooky stuff goes down; not everyone makes it back home. Unfortunately, there are a ton of random occurrences that happen along the way that turn that simple story idea into a total mess.

First is how we're clearly told that main character Taylor's dad is kind of an angry drunk with a house full of weapons but her three obnoxious friends just sneak in anyway to scream and smoke and prank Taylor's newly orphaned cousin Emma. Then there's a story about the creepy old lady who lived in the house next door. But! Julie and her dad just moved in so why not go prank this character none of them have ever met But! Something goes wrong and two of the girls go back to Taylor's house because something went wrong with the prank But! It's really all about Emma and this bad thing she did so anything that happens to the other characters really doesn't make sense? Emma didn't even know them until an hour before so there's no weight of her losing her friends. It's a disappointment because there are a few scenes that offer genuine chills but there's so much nonsense before and after that those scenes are wasted.

Honeydew (2020)

Just Awful

[1/10 · 17 April 2021]

If you spliced together the original Texas Chain Saw Massacre and House of 1000 Corpses and removed every interesting character, every bit of action, every ounce of plot, and every second of horror; left only scenes of unlikable people eating unappetizing food (often in nauseating closeup) while watching staticky TVs/listening to cassette players; and then for some godforsaken reason added Lena Dunham as an armless, legless pseudo cannibal who lives in a plywood box and stretched all that out to one hour and forty-six minutes...you still probably wouldn't wind up with a movie as dull and pointless as Honeydew.

Avoid.

Backwoods (2020)

Too many flashbacks

[3/10 · 6 April 2021]

Molly is a pretty, popular cheerleader with a quarterback boyfriend, a waterboy best friend, an annoying little sister. A postgame party ends with Molly in the lair of The Hangman, a legendary backwoods killer; how she got there is revealed through a series of flashbacks.

Backwoods suffers from having too many flashbacks and too few likeable characters. In fact, The Hangman is the most likeable male in the whole cast. It's too bad, really, because the great creature design really deserved a better movie.

Slaxx (2020)

Fun Little Misfire

[6/10 · 24 March 2021]

A trendy, eco-conscious, holier-than-thou clothing chain experiences a reckoning at the hands (legs?) of some possessed jeans as its flagship store launches it's new denim collection. There's some attempted skewering of social media influencers, snobby store employees, and environmental hypocrites that doesn't really work as well as it should, but I was pretty happy with the gore and quick pace of the first two acts; unfortunately, the third seems to take forever even though the whole movie is only 77 minutes long. I enjoyed the VFX of the pants though, and there's a cute behind the scenes shot during the credits. Slaxx didn't wow me, but it was a pretty good fit for a rainy night at home.

No Escape Room (2018 TV Movie)

No Cohesive Story

[2/10 · 13 March 2021]

I'm mainly writing this review so I won't forget that I watched this movie and try to sit through it again. Like other reviewers have said, the story makes no sense. Characters, clues, and concepts are introduced and and dropped. A little ambiguity is fine in a supernatural horror, but there have to be a few concrete occurrences so the viewer has a point of reference. No Escape Room is truly that, but the viewers are luckier than the characters in that we can walk away from this mess.

Carnívoros (2013)

Gleefully Disgusting

[5/10 · 7 March 2021]

The Texas Chain Saw Massacre (1974) is a muted, subtle masterpiece of slow-burn horror, remarkably restrained in showing its violence. Carnivoros aka The Spanish Chainsaw Massacre has none of these traits and manages to be grossly entertaining during its hour runtime.

The plot owes more to Lewis's 2000 Maniacs than it does to Hooper's film. The Cocks of Metal, unable to get a good take of one song, are sent on tour to try and recoup their producer's mounting financial losses. Their van breaks down in a remote village that is prepping for its Saint's Day festivities and murder and mayhem ensue. There's really only one chainsaw scene, FYI.

Despite the lack of chainsaw action, there's still plenty of massacre-ing and filth. Literally every character (save maybe the band's manager) is disgusting and everyone seems to be having a great time. Untamed pubic hair, drug-addicted pregnant women, penis-mangling, coprophagia, bloody manicures, incest, gore-soaked children's plays, a competitive eating contest - it's all here and more. I was torn between feeling like I should turn off this trash immediately and needing to know what else cast and crew would throw at me next. You can tell which impulse won. The closing credit outtakes are somewhat charming as well. If you're looking for serious horror keep right on going, but if you're craving a goofy splatter comedy, Carnivoros just might be your cup of Chef's Chocolate.

Hazard Jack (2014)

Completely Serviceable Slasher

[5/10 · 6 March 2021]

Hazard Jack is the tale of a hulking combat vet suffering from PTSD who takes up residence in an abandoned hospital and kills unsuspecting visitors with an assortment of power tools and other sharp implements. A group of young people visit the hospital for a weekend of paintball wargames (and partying), and they naturally cross paths with Jack. There's nothing new or surprising to be found here, but Hazard Jack ticked the right boxes: creepy location, backstory, masked killer, murders (including one very fun and gory set piece). Some of the main characters were even likeable, although the script still fell into the "no way would all these people be friends" trap. The only thing that didn't fit was a ham handed closing credits sequence showing homeless vets and other skid row residents while a maudlin tune played but I can overlook that. I've seen hundreds of slasher flicks over the years, and Hazard Jack sits comfortably in the upper middle of the pile.

On Halloween (2020)

You Too Can Be a Boo

[3/10 · 22 February 2021]

It's not that hard to pull off a killer clown movie - take one clown, add weapons, add victims, shake, serve. On Halloween just tries way too hard to improve on that formula and doesn't succeed. S There's a plucky female journalist who shares a lot of research about killer clown sightings over the past 100 years, there are cops on a reality show for a little found footage presence, there's the requisite group of teens who get trapped in a spooky old house, and there's a (nonsensical) twist at the end. There are also terrible American accents, interchangeable characters, multiple timelines that I really couldn't keep straight, and most of the fun gore is either just off camera or too dark to see. The biggest problem I had (although I had many) was trying to be afraid of the killer clowns, as one was named Whaa and the other was named Boo. That they spoke in rhyme was goofy enough, but when trying to seduce someone into the immortal clown life, the viewer does not want to hear "drink and be a Boo" or "choose to be a Boo" over and over.

Derelicts (2017)

Not Much to Be Thankful For Here

[2/10 · 15 February 2021]

It's Thanksgiving Day and we're introduced to our protagonist family who don't seem to like each other very much. Other dinner guests are ambushed by the titular derelicts who then follow the navigation system straight to our dysfunctional family home. Chaos ensues, secrets are revealed, there's a little bit of torture, and a few people die.

I think we're supposed look at this fiilm through a "who are the REAL savages?" Kind of view, but the derelict family are obviously the real monsters as they rape and kill and terrorize. The "normal" family members are unpleasant to one another but that's hardly equivalent. Still, the movie's biggest flaw is making the normal family so unpleasant that it's impossible to root for them - they hate each other, but I hated them. The derelicts seem to at least like and respect one another, but we don't root for them either. Since there's no one to care about, Derelicts just exists for 74 minutes and then slips right out of the viewer's mind. To be fair, there's a pretty good gore gag that earned it an extra star but other than that, there's not much here.

Collar (2014)

Dark. Literally.

[3/10 · 14 February 2021]

Collar is a nuanced and thought provoking examination of the Catholic Church's child sexual abuse scandal and its longterm effects on the victims.

Nah, I'm just kidding. It's about a mentally challenged hulk of a raping, murdering homeless man (Nick Principe as Massive) who kidnaps a female cop one night and graphically abuses her while occasionally taking a break to kill other people. Added to the mix are a pair of drug dealers who function as a low-rent Jay and Silent Bob and help to fill in story gaps, plus two amateur internet "filmmakers" who quickly turn from arranging and filming Bum Fight clips to documentarians once they catch a glimpse of Massive in action. Mihola Terzic also plays an important part as Maria, a former rape victim of Massive's who is hellbent on revenge.

I've actually liked several of Ryan Nicholson's films but Collar just didn't work for me. Flashbacks help explain a little about Massive but also end up muddying things because we don't know why his abuse led him to the streets, or why he can apparently talk but mostly doesn't. I think the dealers and Maria are supposed to provide some comic relief but the tone of the main action is so bleak that any lightness just seems to grind things to a halt. And the character arc of one of the filmmakers is just laughable, mainly due to the actor's performance. Now, we don't usually watch movies like this for acting and story but here's where Collar fails most egregiously. We can barely see the horrible things that happen. Most of the kill scenes are simply too dark and most of the movie is filmed in such a tight frame that it's hard to get the full picture of what's going on. Nicholson was a talented effects man but the effects are too often hidden so what's the point? Seventy-odd minutes of a dark story that happens in the dark results in the feeling that an opportunity was missed.

Cannibals and Carpet Fitters (2017)

Met My Requirements

[7/10 · 13 February 2021]

Were there carpet fitters? Yes, several. Were there cannibals, and if so, did they commit over-the-top acts of violence? Yes and yes.

Cannibals and Carpet Fitters was surprisingly fun and delightfully gory. It moved rather quickly yet still had enough time to make me genuinely like the carpet fitters, who find themselves called out to what winds up being the worst job ever.

Survival (I) (2006)

Frustrating and Ultimately Unmemorable

[2/10 · 9 August 2015]

I watched this barely 24 hours ago and had to search the synopses to remember anything about it - not a good sign. I try to be understanding with low-budget films but this one had two major problems that had nothing to do with budget. First, it's terribly precious. It tries so hard to look like a newly-discovered drive-in classic from the 70s with its scratched film stock and "missing reel" cards but there's something so cutesy about those touches that it really took me out of the experience. Second, it's insanely boring...and that's unforgivable when you've got a house of crazies and a batch of potential victims. I never quite understood what the doctor (Father) was trying to do, and whether the kids were supposed to be their own conveniently insane offspring or if they had been experiments that were mildly successful and kept around to procure more victims. There's obviously some potential on display here and I'll be willing to give the filmmakers another chance because after Survival, they've pretty much got nowhere to go but up.

Mother's Day Massacre (2007)

Amusingly Offensive

[5/10 · 9 August 2015]

Maybe I'm feeling charitable, but I thought Mother's Day Massacre was pretty fun. Not that it's not a total mess - there are a whole bunch of plot threads and some of them intersect and some of them don't (and some that do still don't make sense) but I thought it was an amusing play on the hillbilly horror subgenre and I was able to recognize quite a few nods to other exploitation flicks. Greg Travis has a blast as Tex, father of our main character and cause of all the action that ensues. The teens are likable enough, the villains are over the top, and what it lacks in explicit gore it makes up for in perverse ideas. I can't really disagree with those who hated it, because this is only gonna work for a select few but I'd always prefer to watch an entertaining mess over a competent bore-fest.

Pernicious (2014)

A Little Hostel, A Little Grudge...

[5/10 · 24 June 2015]

Three American girls travel to Thailand to teach English to the schoolchildren there. They are set up in a sweet house (but still manage to complain about it) and while they are exploring, they find a mysterious life-size golden statue of a little girl. Soon, our heroines are plagued by nightmares, the old man next door who keeps dropping in, a vanishing child, and more. Are the girls a victim of a vengeful spirit? I thought Pernicious was mildly entertaining but it has a lot of problems. First, the three lead actresses aren't great. Sometimes it seems like they're smirking at the script and other times they play it straight so it messes up the flow of the story. Speaking of the story, it's serviceable but completely predictable. You can tell where it's going from the first scene with the statue.

Pernicious would be practically indistinguishable from a dozen or so other Asian ghost revenge flicks were it not for some truly excellent gore from ToeTag's Jerami Cruise. Fans of this subgenre aren't usually confronted with eye-gouging and tongue-ripping and the like, so the gore is kind of out of place but I liked it and it did liven things up a bit (that the actresses don't speak during the big set piece also helps). Still, it's odd that there's creepy scene setting, then BIG GORE SEQUENCE, then creepy exposition/jump scares, then HEY WE HIRED A GORE EFFECTS GUY SO LET'S HAVE SOME MORE NEAR THE END, then it ends.

I can appreciate the filmmakers trying to do something different but I'm not sure how many people Pernicious will please. Ghost story fans probably won't appreciate the gore, and gorehounds will have a lot of time to kill between the good stuff.

The Basement (I) (2011)

A Very Long 83 Minutes

[3/10 · 13 June 2015]

The Basement wastes no time in getting its characters into the titular basement - the opening scene has our five actors hustling down the stairs and slamming the door shut as a crazed killer has attacked one of their own. The next 75 or so minutes have the viewer and characters trapped in the single room as the teens yell at each other and get picked off one by one. Nobody seems particularly likable and there's a twist ending which doesn't really work but it made some of the flaws of the basement behavior less egregious so I actually bumped my rating up from two stars to three because of it. The young cast tries their best and the blood is well done but listening to so much yelling and swearing and arguing for so long just wore me out. The Hole with Keira Knightly has a similar premise but I liked it much better.