salmon62 Reviews

Tires (2024–2025)

Absolute garbage

[1/10 · 27 May 2024]

Im not familiar with anyone featured in this sitcom. I watched the first episode and was surprised at how bad it was. Its "cringeworthy" as they say today.

The premise is ok, but the male actors are simply horrendous. Its embarrassing.

How did this get greenlighted? The jokes are worse than middle school locker room antics. There is a creepy, dough-faced guy who comes off as a smug, smarmy fool.

There is no script, it seems. Its like the characters are riffing off one another trying to make a show.

This is low-level entertainment for bros, or those who enjoy listening to podcasts about comedians or UFC.

Bag of Lies (2024)

It's a bit too long, and the pacing and plot revelations are disjointed.

[5/10 · 22 May 2024]

I liked the idea for this film. Resurrection of a loved one is a fairly popular story recently with "Baghead", and an Unquiet Grave" and others being produced.

The are several problems with this film. It is about 20 minutes too long, and the plot revelations don't escalate smoothly. There are repetitive scares throughout that don't add to the tension or provide explanation for the plot.

Basically, a husband attempts to use a questionable ritual involving a full burlap bag to cure his wife of cancer. There are rules to follow, which are violated by him and others, but he gets what he wanted . . . I think. I can't tell because his wife actually dies first and he has to shift gears and put her in the bag, which creates a whole new set of circumstances. There are consequences to his wish, and I think it means his friends must die?

There are many scenes of delusion, dreams, hallucinations, and apparitions for the husband. This becomes a problem because they only serve to confuse the viewer and the effect wears thin after the first few appearances. I think less is more here.

Finally, I can't understand the ending. Can anyone?

An Unquiet Grave (2020)

A small, frustrating, plodding film

[3/10 · 21 May 2024]

This film just has two characters and their conversations are like pulling teeth waiting for answers.

The writing is obtuse and often silly.

This is a resurrection movie without much momentum or energy. I cared nothing for the two characters. It seemed like a short story made for a 30 minute TV episode.

Im not sure what the goal was here because the writing and the actors don't sell it. I saw the film on "Shudder", and I expected more. I wanted to like this movie based on the description, but it never develops into a compelling story.

This film is terribly slow. Im sure it started out as a good idea but the execution just wasn't there.

The Cleansing Hour (2019)

Ill go with a "6", well-deserved.

[6/10 · 20 May 2024]

A lot of thought and work went into this movie, you can tell by the laborious attention to detail on the story. Perhaps too much thinking.

This film is an over-the-top adventure with shout outs to the Original Exorcist and The Original Omen.

The film is not entirely serious and asks the viewer to accept a hokey premise of fake exorcism for internet fame and profit as the main story. The Devil, apparently takes extreme exception to this internet-broadcast fraud and holds the fake priest accountable. This is a good story.

Where "The Cleansing Hour" goes wrong is by including an unnecessary backstory with a nun and the two protagonists which interrupts the momentum of the Devil interrogating the fake priest about his frauds.

There are a LOT of shots in this movie considering it takes place in one setting, a warehouse of some sort in LA.

The attention to detail on a relatively lower-budget is admirable.

The acting by the possessed woman is stellar!

There's gore, and imagery, and devilry aplenty.

I was leaning towards a lower rating due to the clumsy storytelling, but this film is entertaining and novel and deserves a watch and an above-average rating.

Baghead (2023)

Its an interesting story that felt rushed and slow at the same time

[5/10 · 19 May 2024]

This is an entertaining movie with an interesting story. The backstory, the reason there is a centuries-old witch in the basement of a pub in Berlin is delivered in under a minute by a ghost that is brought back to life just to explain this background.

Its not the smoothest reveal of plot-- it comes across as rushed, but it was acceptable in the end.

The actors are all very good, the script ok, and the mood is haunting and atmospheric despite occurring in present-day Berlin in the basement of an ancient pub.

The issue that prevents this movie from greatness is the pacing and overuse of the witch. We get several opportunities to witness the process by which the witch is activated. It wears thin. Maybe a bit of editing was in order. Also, while the actors are all solid and convincing, I didn't feel much for them as though they weren't fleshed out.

Otherwise, this is an entertaining 90 minutes of mild horror.

The Sacrifice Game (2023)

A mashup of ideas that fizzles out

[5/10 · 19 May 2024]

This film starts out like "The Strangers", segues into "The Blackcoats Daughter", then sort of fizzles out as a possession movie.

This is a Christmas-themed slasher movie with demonic overtones that I could never take seriously. The cast are ok, particularly the two students left at school over Christmas, but the adults are goofy and hard to like.

I think the story was a good idea, but it becomes convoluted near the end when the main characters have to make some important choices. The story loses its momentum in the end. Its bloody and not completely serious, but worth a watch if you like Christmas horror.

Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers (1995)

Finally weighing in on this mess

[1/10 · 13 April 2024]

I've had enough of the "Halloween fandom" that believes every entry into this tired franchise is positive.

This film is a disaster! The idea that Michael lacks agency and is instead controlled by a cult living underneath the Smith's Grove Mental Hospital is a joke.

The "Man in Black", wearing cheap cowboy boots with spurs no less is terrible.

This film, snd the trilogy it was a part of should never have been made.

The story, the writing, the acting, and the horror thrills are very bad.

The original film's spirit has been corrupted by greedy producers who want to attach their stamp to a classic film.

Enough.

All You Need Is Death (2023)

I wanted to love this one, but its not possible

[4/10 · 12 April 2024]

Im a fan of foreign horror because they usually offer fresh takes. This movie is no exception and the story starts off interesting and engaging. We don't know who is who or what is afoot.

When the story gradually unfolds, and a curse is revealed, I sought to identify the rules of the curse and the entity who created it.

This revelation never comes, the curse is generic-, something about unhealthy love and betrayal passed down between women by pre-Irish song.

There is a story here. But the resolution is convoluted and unsatisfying. It seems like a cosmic element is at work, but this is not clear or horrifying.

In the end it feels like a bunch of things were thrown into the mix of a modern day fable.

Late Night with the Devil (2023)

Very entertaining but a bit disjointed

[6/10 · 4 April 2024]

I really admire how much work went into this film.

The 70's ethic was recreated believably and the set and wardrobe folks are to be commended. As are the sound people.

The movie is comprised of found footage or previously unreleased footage of a TV talk show which featured some special Halloween guests to boost ratings.

The host has his own tragic, sensational backstory to add to the plot of what takes place in the hour-long talk show episode.

The story is compelling and tragic and has some references to the occult participation of the protagonist talk show celebrity.

The issue I note with the movie is the individual segments of the guests who each have a few moments of terror in the film. These subsections of the film come off as separate chapters and take away from the focus of the film, the title, the Late Night with the devil interview.

Other than this disjointed assembly of characters, the film is entertaining for its throwback qualities and the interesting characters assembled.

The Hallow (2015)

Really disappointed in the story progression

[3/10 · 14 February 2024]

I wanted to like this film and give it my recommendation. I can't.

Its a great story idea and a lot of work went into it, but by the time the movie gets going, I lost interest in the characters.

Its about a 30- something man who drags his wife and 1-year old into the Irish forest to do tree experiments. He is warned to stop, refuses, and the Irish fairie-creatures attack him and his family. Just as the locals advised him.

The story gets more confusing as it progresses, and most of the movie is filmed at night, in a forest, or in low light. Its hard to follow sometimes.

The movie falls apart completely in the second half when the husband becomes possessed or occupied by tree roots or demons.

The story isn't cohesive. By the end, Id lost interest completely. This film is about 20 minutes too long, and visually too dark.

The Bear (2022– )

Its just an Italian beef sandwich, right?

[2/10 · 3 February 2024]

I saw all the hype and the rave reviews. What is wrong with people? Critics I understand. Its their job to write for the industry and keep it alive.

But the claims from the general public?

This show is so over the top and the characters so overwrought that it was difficult for me to get through 3 episodes. The main character, Carmy, is a flat mess, but not in a realistic way. Im supposed to believe his expertise and backstory. I don't. Its like a poor attempt at re-creating Anthony Bourdain's edginess.

And Sidney! She's constantly making exaggerated facial movements and drawing out her sentences for dramatic effect. It's not authentic.

Carmy's sister acts like shes in love with Carmy. Thats what I thought when she talks to him. Its very odd.

Richie is an As*hat, we get it. But he wouldn't be tolerated in the real restaurant world.

But that brings me to my point.

This mess of yelling and over-dramatic posing is all about a small, mediocre sandwich shop in a forgotten part of Chicago?

This doesn't make sense and it doesn't merit the staff drama and turmoil that's presented each episode.

They make sandwiches, right?

Night Swim (2024)

Too much chlorine

[3/10 · 11 January 2024]

This movie seems like it was based on a concept of a supernatural encounter in a pool. That is what the trailer shows. That is not enough to sustain a feature length movie, so backstories had to be written to prop up the pool scene.

The plot is supposedly about a pool built over an old wishing well. A wish or desire is sought, the waters in the pool grant the wish, but someone must die to make it happen.

This film looks like it was written backwards. The storyline doesn't stay true to the fable, and once the premise is not followed, the film deteriorates.

The writing is weak; some of the script is downright bad.

The child actors are poor.

And there it is. . . In the end credits; "Night Swim is based on a short film. . ." Sometimes short films don't translate to the big screen.

Ozark (2017– )

Season 1 & 2 are super. Then the writing falls apart.

[6/10 · 21 November 2023]

I really enjoyed the first half of this 4 season show. Then, in order to stretch out the series, the writers add a character named "Ben", Wendy's wayward brother, who destroys season 3 and nearly ruins everything.

Ive not been this disappointed in a series that started off so well. Why was this character interjected into the plot? To provide filler and pad the story it seems. The result is a frustrating, over-dramatic mess for almost all of season 3. The failure of the writers to accurately portray a character is the reason for this monumental plot failure.

I couldn't watch after this. Sometimes its best to accept that less of something good is more!

Ride with Norman Reedus (2016– )

Good-natured but all style, highly-curated for hipness quotient

[6/10 · 15 October 2023]

Norm is a good guy, and treats the locals politely and as friends. It's high gloss hipster-travel and carefully curated brands in clothing, bikes, and locations.

Season 6 episode featuring his female guest and him in Portugal is branding and promotion of her business. Everything about her appearance is carefully constructed. I give him credit for acknowledging that Americans, through their instagram travel and luxury spending, have ruined Portugal and other wonderful places.

I hope people take the hint.

Norm and his guests have limited vocabulary and use the "brocabulary" words like "Right?", "Dude" (even in addressing women), "good vibes", "Thank you SO much", and even "Adorable!" There's only so many times you can describe a landscape or ocean view as "beautiful" and have it be authentic.

It's light-hearted fare. It's a love-fest. It's sort of a guys' fantasy show. The filming is the best part and the location shooting with drones and on-bike cams and microphones are great. Its a good show for glossy travel ideas.

The Haunting of Hill House (2018)

Over-hyped and not enough momentum

[4/10 · 9 October 2023]

I finally watched this because it wss being mentioned so much as a "Hidden gem".

K This series seems an awful lot like "American Horror Story" to me. The characters are supposed to be traumatized and interesting, but they are simply cliches. The children's portrayals are especially poor. I felt nothing for any of the characters who come across as selfish modern millennials.

I think borrowing the Shirley Jackson novel theme was inappropriate. That novel, and the 1963 movie were great. This is an attempt to capitalize on those works, but this should not have been undertaken.

This series moves ploddingly. There's nothing really scary about it. I feel like Mike Flanagan should be more creative and develop his own characters and stories like he did with his first two movies. Paying heavy homage to his idols, Jackson and Stephen King, isn't working.

Midnight Mass (2021)

Feels like a Stephen King screenplay, but why?

[3/10 · 9 October 2023]

This series has been very popular with younger audiences on reddit and other social media platforms. The director is very popular also.

So, I watched it with great expectations. I was disappointed. This series appears to be an amalgam of Stephen King novels, written as a tv series. It's pretty obvious. The writing is highlighted by long monologues by the cliched, one-dimensional island people.

The characters are over-the-top rubes, mostly, and theres some lofty themes presented about addiction, religion, life, and death. Frightening it is not. Excruciatingly long-winded, yes.

If this was an original story, It would be more interesting, but its not. I felt like I was watching a tv mini-series copying "Salems Lot".

Its clear Mike Flanagan worships Stephen King. I think he should separate his idols from his future productions.

About My Father (2023)

A complete dud

[3/10 · 4 September 2023]

This movie is so vapid and contrived that I found my attention drifting throughout. The supporting actors are hollow figures built to support a thin story about family acceptance.

There's nothing finny, controversial, sexy, or interesting in this movie. Sebastian Manasculo is funny because of his incredulous reactions to people's behavior and his incisive commentary. There is none of that. It feels like the script was written by AI-- an inoffensive, inclusive for- the- sake-of-it fairytale we've all seen before too often.

Deniro is mailing it in. Im not sure why he takes these roles. How many times can he play the older, grumpy, father figure in these similar screenplays?

I waited two months for this movie price to drop in order to stream it. It was a waste of time and money.

Dark Winds (2022– )

Very good, but series would be best with fewer plot lines and better pacing

[6/10 · 25 March 2023]

This series is beautiful to watch. The cinematography is great, the acting, for the most part is very good, and the writing is good.

There are multiple plotlines, probably two too many. It becomes hard to figure out who is who. It's a small community, so I imagine everything is interconnected as depicted. The series moves from story to story without much momentum sometimes. This is my only complaint. Some of the plotlines could be left out, I think.

The 1970's cars are cool, despite being suspiciously free of grime despite mostly paved roads! It's a nice little story at its heart and entertaining.

Skinamarink (2022)

Pretentious and dull, and marketed as something its not

[1/10 · 5 February 2023]

This movie is a grift. Its 1 hour and 40 minutes of art school experimentalism that looks contrived and falsely retro.

The director thought he was making something really cool and avant-garde, but if people are honest with themselves they will admit that its boring and pretentious footage that was mass marketed to mainstream audiences as a must see horror film.

"Skinamarink" is going to make things difficult for other new filmmakers to get their horror projects made and shown on the big screen. Why? Because its really difficult for a small horror film to make it into theatre distribution, and a film like "Skinamarink", which is nothing more than an experimental short film concept, makes audiences more cynical. Not to mention theatre owners. People are becoming wary of the hype, and aren't going to pay for vanity projects with questionable promotion.

This movie was cleverly leaked and the faux outrage on reddit and other film sites and blogs drove the buzz. It was supposed to be a "creepy", nightmarish horror film, marketed to the mainstream horror community. What we got was an arthouse movie with no context for anything, no perspective, and no explanation. Its over 1 1/2 hours of out- of- frame video and upside down camera angles. Two kids padding around a house at night. Odd noises, Cartoons. Old school filters. But its not scary.

"I want the audience to come to their own conclusions." Really? That's just lazy filmmaking.

I didn't pay to watch this film in a theatre. I had heard many negative comments about people who did pay to see it, then felt ripped off. It may be worth streaming and having on in your house as background wallpaper. Just don't pay good money for it.

Resurrection (2022)

You will be disappointed

[1/10 · 10 December 2022]

Beware the hype of this film, and the generous, glowing reviews by people who confuse a good actor with a good movie.

This movie is simply boring and non compelling. There's an attempt at demonstrating some type of emotional abuse theme, but the backdrop for this theme is unrealistic and not credible.

The actors are well-renowned. The movie fails in the plot, and writing.

This is not a horror movie. It's a drama, and not a compelling one. It didn't strike a cord with me, or make me feel empathy for the female protagonist. Her character didn't match her decision-making. I think there is a very generous rating inflation occurring here.

All Eyes (2022)

I wanted to like it more, but its just not compelling

[4/10 · 16 November 2022]

Look, I like independent films, but there has to be something special there. This film is a story within a story which is supposed to be affirming or heartwarming according to some, but its just a small payoff after a lot of build up.

The dialogue is slow--its like pulling teeth sometimes waiting for information to develop. The central focus is a quirky character who exits early, leaving his interviewer to figure stuff out. But he never does, really, And I couldn't either. This is a small, good-natured film, but not memorable.

The acting is good, and the director has good intentions. Theres just not enough there to rate highly.

Terrifier 2 (2022)

This sequel is bloated, and loses it's impact.

[4/10 · 2 November 2022]

The film is about 45 minutes too long, as others have remarked. Its clear that the Director got carried away. There are some plot developments that do not fit at all with the original movie. Sometimes, when Directors get their hands on a bigger budget, they feel they have to expand the plots and runtime. Less is always more!

The plot elements add confusion to a simple plot, which had it been kept to around 90 minutes, would have had more impact. The carnage was not as bad as the internet hype made it out to be. None of this type of carnage was new. It had been done in many other movies already.

I think the Creator of "Terrifier 2" put extra thematic story lines into the sequel unnecessarily.

It borders on fantasy or sci-fi in the end. My advice to the Creator or Director is to "Keep it short and sweet."

The Woman (I) (2011)

A horrible film

[1/10 · 13 October 2022]

This movie has no redeeming qualities or message. At what point in America did movies like this become mainstream enough that they would be featured on a platform like Amazon Prime? I think the mid-90's ----something happened in American pop culture that allowed us to arrive where we are today with the glorification of creative suffering as depicted in movies like "The Woman", and in franchises such as "Hostel" or "Saw." There are dozens of other examples, of course, and then there is the "seepage" of such films into other less wanton films.

There's two pieces to this terrible film that overlap and minimize the acting effort of the person portraying the feral woman. There is the idea of the feral woman being captured and restrained, and then there is the pathological family and their attendant behaviors. Mixing the two is exploitative and the carnage is simply gratuitous and for voyeurism.

Hipsters will applaud the creativity and fine acting to justify an artistic project. This is not art nor creativity.

This is unnecessary film making defined.

The Black Phone (2021)

Stylish but empty and never builds momentum or chills

[5/10 · 23 September 2022]

A Blumhouse production. . .

This movie was highly polished in its attempt to recreate a 70's movie set, but that money and work is wasted because the plot has no tension, momentum, or explanation.

The young actors are mostly good, even though the script is not appropriate for the age group being portrayed.

The story is about missing boys, taken from a tiny neighborhood in Denver. The fact that crimes of this type went unsolved after the first kidnapping is unreal and destroys credibility going forward.

There is no terror here despite the themes. Nathan Hawke's character is never developed or explained, just a strange neighborhood magician, driving around the same two blocks of the Jr High using clusters of black balloons to force boys into his van in broad daylight. This is just not likely and reasonable, so the film can't recover.

Some odd writing choices: kDead kids call the basement on a disconnected phone, but just as easily appear in person or move objects to help the protagonist trapped in the basement.

Theres a dream element with anti-God themes from a 6th grade girl which seems inauthentic. Theres a strange amount of violence which, for a suburban Jr High in the 1970's doesn't make sense.

The movie stops and starts and never gains momentum due to the writing. Nathan Hawke didn't need to be in this movie. You cant tell its him, and the role doesn't require any special acting. I felt nothing for Hawke's character and still don't understand his characterization. Was he motivated by sex? Mental Illness? Revenge?

I lost focus on this film halfway through. The story didn't hold up on several levels. The Police are made to look stupid. Where are the parents? How many freaky magicians driving black vans live in a 2- block area of multiple abductions?

"The Black Phone" seemed like a rip- off of "It" and "Stand by Me", plus maybe " Stranger Things".

Horror has become homogenized by big money. The "Halloween" franchise is ruined and people seem to want films like "The Conjuring" and its multiple spin-offs.

"The Black phone" is a big letdown.

Blumhouse, are you listening? Story matters.

Bosch: Legacy (2022– )

Bosch was supposed to be an honorable character

[2/10 · 13 July 2022]

It's not too late to turn this series around.

Honey Chandler's characterization as a foul-mouthed, rogue defense attorney ruins this series. It doesn't seem authentic, and, coupled with Bosch's characterization as a private investigator with no boundaries, the two characters commit at least ten felonies while conducting business.

Both Honey Chandler and Bosch would be prosecuted and lose their professional licenses for removing evidence from crime scenes, not reporting felonies to the LAPD, coercing clients and witnesses, breaking and entering, carrying and using concealed weapons, and a dozen other criminal and ethical breaches that the two commit with no consequences! Los Angeles is crazy, but not this crazy.

Another problem is the characterization of Bosch's daughter as an LAPD "rookie", or "boot". The term "boot" is used constantly and It comes off as inauthentic. It's hard to believe this character as a female cop. She just doesn't have it, and the dialogue and personal interactions between her and her "FTO" are stilted and unrealistic.

The plot lines are questionable aside from Bosch's daughter's rookie thread.

Are we are expected to get excited about a group of Russian mobster-types stealing tanker trucks full of gasoline? This is the crime that Bosch and Chandler expend huge risk and resource on? Committing burglaries and wiretapping and theft and destruction, and then, when the murders and explosions occur, they don't even contact police. Chandler appears at two homicide scenes and removes a cell phone from one, and witnesses murder at another, which doesn't seem to require her do anything as a witness, or officer of the court.

There had to have been technical and legal advisors for this series, right?

The plot line that an on-duty LA housing Inspector would don different "Lucha Libre" masks to commit rapes, then target "Maddy" in her home after being discovered is stretching credulity.

Who is the female ninja assassin who apparently practices in a military compound high above LA with no fanfare? This character is difficult to imagine.

There are simply too many unbelievable characters. The writers need to tighten up their game and develop plots and characters who are accurate and who people care about. It's a disservice to the viewer to have the primary and supporting characters behaving as they do in this series.

The beauty of the original "Bosch" (in its early episodes) was the on- location filming in Hollywood and an inside look at LAPD and LA City legal/political culture. Though overly-dramatized in many ways, you could forgive this as a way to create interest and make the plots come to life. But the original, early episodes were believable and made sense.

The current production of "Bosch: Legacy" has become a cartoon strip of cliched characters that don't truly exist in law enforcement or the private sector. Can it be corrected? I hope so. I love Titus Welliver and Michael Connelly! This series deserves better, more compelling and accurate characters and plotlines.