alanc88 Reviews

Insidious Inferno (2023)

What were the two 10/10 reviews watching?

[1/10 · 17 October 2023]

Last week I noticed there were only (2) reviews for this movie and they were both 10/10. Surely this was a film not to be missed. Unfortunately I thought both people can't be wrong so I watched it. BIG mistake. It is absolutely woeful.

No plot whatsoever and the acting(?) was unbelievable - and not in a good way. I checked on the (2) main actors and to my astonshiment, they have been in several other films!

The woman inherits her fathers log cabin / house in the middle of nowhere. Her and her husband are going to the house for a week to 'fix' it up and do some painting. She really doesn't want to go which she says numerous times as something happened to her there years ago. Then why didn't she just send Bob the builder to the house by himself to do the work? She decides to go along anyway.

Even though the house has been empty and derelict for years, there is no dust / cobwebs etc, it looks really really clean. And the best thing is that the electricity is still switched on - who's been paying for that?

When they get there a guy from the realtor office is there and tells them that He is bringing in some experts to fix the roof / fix the pipes / landscape the garden as they have certain policies they must abide by and Bob the builder can't do the work himself. The wife just whinges all the time about how she just wants to get it fixed up and get out of there - so why didn't they just leave as they weren't allowed to do any maintenance work themselves?

There is no tension / horror in this film, acting is crap and I've been duped again by the high reviewers who were probably affiliated with the film or cast.

The Fear of 13 (2015)

Too Long and Ultimately Boring

[3/10 · 16 July 2020]

This is an overly long documentary of some thug / thief / druggie who was incorrectly convicted of killing some woman. Now, I'm all for getting wrongly convicted criminals off death row, but this story went on and on and on - could quite easily been done in a half hour. I'm currently at the 57 minute mark and it has only just got to the stage where it mentions anything about the abduction / killing of the woman. So far it's all been about his time in prison / somebody singing on the block / some inmates getting separated and sent to different prisons / how he escaped for 25 days even though he didn't want to escape - it's been too boring! There are too any pauses during his story telling to try and build some tension. At 63 minutes now and he has been given death sentence for womans abduction / killing. He does some reading in jail over the next few years and hears about DNA. At 83 minutes his lawyers discover that the DNA found at the woman's crime scene does not match him. He gets released after 21 years in prison and moves to England; (we need a few more thugs / thieves / druggies over here). The woman's murder was never solved.

Lincoln Rhyme: Hunt for the Bone Collector (2020)

Lincoln Rhyme....Just In Time

[1/10 · 23 June 2020]

I've suffered through numerous episodes of this bilge hoping for it to get a teeny bit better, but unfortunately it is the same every week. Mr know-it-all Lincoln seems to know every fact about the city and inveriably comes up with the correct location to find the person in danger / bomb etc.....and it is always just in time! I've just finished watching 'Requiem' about the hunt for a mystery bomber. During this episode, Amelia and the coppers are in Lincolns house in the morning. They then head to a miltary park where there are some French cannons to look for a dead body from 30 years ago - Lincoln worked this out somehow. Unfortunately the body had recently been dug up and removed. From here they went back to Lincolns house to discuss what had happened in the park. Then they travelled across town to a building that had just had the Penthouse bombed. Fom here thay travelled back to the police station to interview the owners of the building. From here they went back to Lincolns house. Amelia was then sent to the bombed building to 'walk the scene' for LIncoln to look for evidence - (this building by the way has not been secured by the police or fire department) - and Amelia is all on her own - lets hope she doesn't fall amongst the rubble / have an accident because that would be quite neligent wouldn't it? From here Amelia returns to Lincolns house with some paper / parchment she found on the floor of the bombed building to give to the girl so she can work her magic looking for dna etc; (normally they can find fingerprints / dna and find out who it belongs to in a matter of minutes). Then Amelia and coppers head out to some abandoned tunnels where graffiti artists hang out - Lincoln deduced this from some parrot noises he had heard on a tape. Luckily there is an unlocked door which has got a lot of bomb stuff in there. Amelia gets locked in and a bomb is primed to go off in 2 minutes. Lincoln helps Amelia build her own bomb with bits and pieces she finds in the room and blows the door handle off just before the bomb goes off. She also has time to run back into the room to grab some copper wires / fuse wires as evidence. From here it is back to the police station where she is congatulated for her work. Then it's back to Lincolns house with the evidence. The girl figures out what type of wire it is and where it can be bought and unbelievably Lincoln deduces who the bomber is / why he is doing it / where he lives etc, so Amelia and lots of coppers descend on his house and luckily he is in - but he is not talking and won't say where the other bombs are. All back to Lincolns house where after some discussion Lincoln says that some Nanny was in cahouts with the bomber, so they all descend on her house and she has some young boy with her and a bomb in her hand - Amelia talks her out of setting the bomb off - not one moment of tension was felt - it was obvious she wasn't going to kill the boy! After this it was all back to Lincolns house again. The thing that ticked me off about this episode is that Amelia had the same clothes on through everything she did - she must have been stinking. Are we supposed to believe that they did everything in one day? That's it for me, I won't be watching any more of this - I can't suspend belief that much. There is never any feeling of tension because you know the outcome every time - it will all be solved, just in time!

It Chapter Two (2019)

So So Long; Couldn't Wait For It To End.

[2/10 · 30 March 2020]

After 27 years, IT decides to come back to Derry to start killing again! Only Mike out of the original seven has stayed in Derry, all of the others buggered off elsewhere and seem to be making it in the big wide world. When IT returns Mike calls the other six up and tells them to 'come home' tomorrow because they had all promised 27 years ago to stick together. Where did MIke get their telephone numbers from - they've been gone for 27 years? Luckily for Mike the rest of them have nothing better to do so they all turn up at the Chinese restaurant; except one who decides to cut his wrists in the bath - a bit extreme I think. Why didn't he just not go and say stuff them? They don't know where he lives or anything. They haven't been in touch with each for 27 years -highlighted by the fact that they were all introducing themselves to each when they met up! At the restaurant, they all reminisce about the past which becomes really loud talking over one another with plenty of F-bombs being shouted - who comes over to ask them to keep it down? - Nobody! When they start to see little insects coming out of the fortune cookies, they all lose it, screaming and shouting and then smashing the chairs and tables to bits - the chinese woman comes in and says is everything OK and they just ask for the bill. No police called or paying for the damage! I should have stopped watching at this point but I enjoyed the first film and wanted to see how it all panned out. There are numerous bits in the film where I've thought how did that happen, where did he come from, why did they did they do that etc, that other reviewers have written about so I won't repeat them except for the ones below: 1. What was the point of Bowers in the film? He killed someone in the Hospital and escaped, (driven by a zombie in a getaway car), and no police are called looking for him. 2. Bill buys his old bike back from an antiques shop for $300. Whenever he gets off his bike, he always just drops it in the middle of the road - are there any cars coming down the road unable to get past his bike - no, of course there aren't. 3. The group go there separate ways to figure out what is holding them to the first part of the adventure: ie: from 27 years ago. During the kill IT ritual, they must burn it in some sort of laether bag(?). Ben burns a signed year book entry which only one person has signed, (Beverly, who he has fancied since childhood). He has carried this in his wallet for 27 yearsand he decides to burn it - yeah right! 4. When they go to the derelict house to confront IT, they ALL have torches. Where did they come from, they didn't have them when you see them outside the house seconds earlier. 5. This ritual and running through the house lasts an eternity. I really wanted to switch off but I also wanted to see what happened at the end. The ritual failed, (sorry you burnt that treasured keepsake Ben), so they decide that to kill IT they had to call it names - yes, that's right, call It a clown and it will start to shrink and then you can rip its heart out and squash it. Three hours this took. There are no scares to make you jump; no real comedy; not sure if was supposed to be a horror or comedy because it failed on both accounts. Next time, I won't look at the higher reviews, I will look at the 1 and 2 score reviews because I think you will get far more honesty from them.

Snowpiercer (2013)

Big name actors fall flat on their faces with this one.

[1/10 · 8 July 2019]

I was looking forward to this one as it had some decent actors in it, but don't be fooled like I was. There were so many plot holes and inconsistencies in this film that it would take too long to list and other reviewers have already done a decent job of listing them. However, my main objection is about the train. This train is verrrrry long - it has about 30 carriages and is rattling along at great speed. It goes around the world once every year. If it travelled it's shortest route, it would travel the circumference of the earth, 25,000 miles. The speed required to travel this distance in one year would be 2.85 miles per hour. Even if it didn't travel in a direct route and it had to zigzag its way around the earth and travelled 50,000 miles, it would only have to travel at 5.7 miles per hour! Now I'm not a scientist but that train was travelling a lot faster than that.

Sneaky Pete: The Longest Day (2017) Season 1, Episode 10

Excellent series.....but one niggling point

[9/10 · 15 May 2017]

Just finished watching series one and although a little bit convoluted at times, I thought it was excellent. Ribisi as Pete was outstanding. The only thing that annoyed me was in the last episode when Pete turned up at the farm and spilled the contents of his bag onto the table - lots and lots of money. Julia then says she has to get the money back to Dockery to repay his collateral even though she just stated that she had sorted it out with him. Why did she gather up all of the money when he was only owed $100,000 - there was way more that on the table! Also, when Pete was leaving, why did Carly feel that she had to try and steal something from his pocket as she hugged him goodbye?

One Under the Sun (2017)

So Bad I Watched It Right To The End.

[1/10 · 9 May 2017]

I have just committed a cardinal sin. I read the reviews which all proclaimed this film to be absolutely pants - and the I watched it right to the end! Don't do what I did, take notice of the reviewers and don't waste your time. The acting(?) is absolutely diabolical - surely there will be no more roles for anyone after this? To put it briefly; there is a planned mission to Mars - no idea why really. The lead woman has a dying daughter, but she didn't appear to give a toss about her during the first half of the film, she just upped and left but later on it was all about 'I want to see my daughter'. We don't actually see them on Mars, just a rocket taking off and a caption saying '3 years later'. Incredibly the woman is the only survivor of a missile attack on re-entry. She is taken in by Gov officials for interrogation and is deemed a danger because she has now got some mind reading powers, so they decide to do away with her. So, should they send in a couple of 'heavies' into the cell to hold her whilst the doctor injects her with some deadly poison because she is such a risk? No frigging way - just send one guy in on his own so she can kick the crap out of him and escape. When she has escaped she gets visits from the other 'dead' crew members telling her that she has survived because she has an important message to tell the rest of the world. A lot of this is cryptic waffle - unfortunately I couldn't understand a word of the actress playing the part of the 'African(?)' woman so I don't know what she had to say. So now she's escaped and the Gov know she wants to get to see her child - what should we do? - send in a posse of agents to the home / hospital to kill her because she is such a danger and they did try to kill her when she was in interrogation? Not on your Nelly! Just send (2) guys - the boss man and an agent who happens to feel sorry for her. I can't say much about the ending because there wasn't one - No message to earth, to the 7 billion people living here or most annoyingly for me is for the people who watched this crap. Rant over, I'm going for a lie down.

The Girl with All the Gifts (2016)

7 out 10 - Really?

[3/10 · 10 January 2017]

This is not a 7 out of 10 movie - don't be misled. It starts out fairly well in the first 10 minutes, but goes downhill as soon as the compound is breached by the 'Hungries' - calling them by a different name doesn't detract the fact that this is a typical zombie movie. The 'heroes' all manage to escape the compound and tread the formulaic routine of crossing the country moving through hordes of zombies without ever really being in danger. There was the typical scene where the expendable soldier decides to take his gun belt off to enter some store and as expected gets eaten. I didn't get any feeling of tension from any part of the film. I didn't care about any of the characters and I was really, really hoping that Gemma Arterton was going to be eaten. I was wishing for the end a good 40 minutes to go, but I'm glad I made it to see the ending - even I didn't see that coming - unbelievable - in a crap way! I give it 3 stars for the young girl debut.

Restoration (I) (2016)

Total Garbage

[2/10 · 16 May 2016]

Do yourselves a favour and give this a miss! The acting between the main couple is ludicrous. Even though she is a Doctor working long hours and under stress and he is apparently renovating their house, they are just too lovey dovey all of the time, especially the husband. The fun teddy bear fight like a couple of teenagers is laughable - even though the previous owner left over 400 teddy bears behind, they happen to throw the one teddy bear that contained the 'secret' diary - that was lucky wasn't it? When she finds out she's pregnant, the husband goes for a slash in the bathroom and finds the pregnancy kit - he comes out and throws a wobbly because she hadn't told him - she only found out herself 2 minutes ago! After reading the diary and doing some investigative work, they have to go to a loony bin to speak to some loony woman, who after all these years is still alive and luckily living in the local loony bin - another lucky stroke of luck. The Doctor woman tells some cock & bull story to get access to see her and is told to bring her credentials and paperwork with her. When she gets there, with her husband in tow, she is asked for her credentials before she can get in. After seeing her credentials, they are given 2 guest passes - one for her and one for Bob the friggin builder - how and why did they let him in? When they get inside to see this loony woman, the big beefy security guy says 'I'll be outside the door'. The loony woman is saying nothing, so Bob the builder decides to berate her and tells her what he thinks of her - quite loudly. Does the beefy bouncer hear this and coming running in to see what's going on - not a chance, he actually waits until she starts to cry and then he's in like a shot! I only gave it 2 stars because of creepy neighbour Zack.

Absolutely Anything (2015)

Should have been called Absolutely Crap

[2/10 · 20 November 2015]

I am actually watching the ending of this drivel as I am writing this review. I was expecting at least some 'comedy' moments as Simon Pegg was in it - but how wrong I was! Everything about it was feeble - I can't recall anything that was in anyway funny. Most of the 'I can do anything' moments were cringeworthy and predictable - with the talent of the writers on offer, I would have hoped for a lot better. The American stalker - an absolute crap idea, crappily acted - didn't make any sense at all. The Alien conclave - typical Monty Python - but not funny! The 'lets all worship Ray' montage - embarrassing from start to finish. And finally the talking dog - a sad end to the late Robin Williams legacy. The only redeeming part is that He will not remembered for this as it will soon be forgotten about when it is in the 50pence bin in charity shops. Don't waste your time with it - I can only assume that the 6 out of ten voters were stoned or under the influence of some heavy drugs.

XII (2008)

Typical - The 'baddie' gets it in the end!

[3/10 · 24 April 2011]

Well, where shall I start with this one? It starts off OK with one guy getting his head blown off driving along the interstate. His new 'wife' then cops for it, but you don't see it - you only hear about it a bit later. The 'baddie' then sets about bumping off the rest of the jurors that convicted him of 'kiddie-fiddling'. When in prison, the inmates sorted him and his face out good style for bring a 'nonce', so he isn't too happy when released. He gets through 11 of the jury who all happen to be living in some poxy little town where it seems nobody lives(?). You don't get to see much gore until the last 15 minutes when he is taking the faces of some of his victims. Unfortunately, the last jury member; some bimbo waitress beats this tough guy up, runs away, gets caught, beats him up again, gets away again, gets caught again and then manages to get away again and finally shoots him. The End! The bit that I'm most annoyed about is that the description on the CD box said the film contained: Strong Sex, Gore and Sexual Violence. What a load of crock - There is some gore but not an ounce of sex, nudity, kissing , sexual banter - Zilch! This is clearly a case of false advertising and I'll be contacting my lawyer tomorrow!