global_dan Reviews

Hijack (2023)

Just... DON'T

[1/10 · 12 August 2023]

I should have known, unless it's a movie based on an actual historical plane hijacking, no plot about about a hijacking is going to be without plot holes.

In this case, it has more gaping holes than a massive block of Swiss cheese. Sort the reviews by reviewer rating with lowest first, and the scale of holes and improbabilities will become evident to you.

Then to prove the point, Archie Panjabi turns up in episode 2 to follow up on the Swiss cheese of her 2019 airline effort, Departure.

Idris Elba must have bills to pay and turned to Apple's cash pile to executive produce this.

Suspending belief can be entertaining, but not serious drama built on irrationality. Everyone involved can do MUCH better than this...

The Crowded Room (2023)

Is tight editing no longer a thing?

[3/10 · 12 August 2023]

There are some points to recommend here, such as:

• MPD is a condition which deserves more coverage because the impact on many is great
• The performance of the main actor is very adept

However, too many elements are jarring:

• For a dramatic plot, this was suited to a movie length feature or a three part mini-series - dragging this out to 10 episodes made too much of it feel like extended filler. By the end of episode three you have most likely worked it all out, yet there are 7 more episodes to confirm the conclusion. Thankfully AppleTV+ allows you to shrink the screen on your laptop and multi-task while you wait
• It's set in 1979, but some of the period touches seem off, like police cars which are models from the 1980's and fashions and language which are very much of now...

The Prince and the Showgirl (1957)

Another "great" actor who can't act light comedy...

[5/10 · 24 April 2023]

Marilyn Monroe's timeless performance literally salvages this overlong trifle, but that still can't overcome the liability of the "great" Laurence Olivier's acting:

• Actors famous for light comedies often cause a "shock" when they act well in an uncharacteristic serious role. Yet when a "great" actor literally burns a turkey attempting a light role, this does not dim their reputation? Laurence Olivier displays the light touch of a wrecking ball here.

• While Carpathia is a fictional country, Olivier's accent veers wildly between German army officer, Romanian vampire and 30's Hollywood Continental type aka "great" British actor playing a "foreign" type

• He comes across so cold it's hard to see how someone like MM's character could have felt any any affection for him, which makes her acting all the more remarkable

• Perhaps his frustration at MM's off screen behaviour affected his performance, but that would just be an excuse for the "great" actor being upstaged at every turn. I almost begin to feel a sympathy for Dustin Hoffman in his clashes with Olivier when filming "Marathon Man".

Maybe if Vivien Leigh had played the femaile lead, it might have suited stiff old Laurence Olivier more, but then the movie would have most likely sunk without a trace...

Summertime (2016)

Four uninteresting people meet up in the most strained of scenarios...

[1/10 · 7 April 2023]

The whole thing feels like someone had some concept ideas, but stringing them together into a movie strains credulity at every moment:

• a stoner Italian 'finds' a gay SF couple who are prepared to host a random couple of Italian teenagers sight unseen in their multi-million dollar SF apartment at a moment's notice. The stoner then disappears for the rest of the movie?

• the two Italians get on a flight together 2 days later, despite having barely acknowledged each other over the past 5 years and without so much as parental advice or even visibility.

• the Italian girl insults and clearly disapproves of the gay couple's relationship, while accepting their hospitality

• the morning after the two bickering Italians arrive, the Italian guy manages to grab a bike and go for a ride all the way to the sea and find his way back before breakfast, despite having never been to the US before, let alone SF

• the gay couple seem barely weeks older than when they met in 'scandalous' circumstances yet already have super successful careers and a fancy apartment, and the ability for one of them to decide drop their career during the 5 day visit of the Italians to focus on horseriding! And they have a yacht! And the ability to fly with their houseguests to Cuba!

• Despite this, their work seems to barely intrude on their ability to hang out with their random Italian houseguests and they appear to have no other friends.

• one of the gay couple walks out in a huff leaving the Italians open-mouthed, for the other to immediately bring them back inside within a minute, by which time the Italian two are half way through preparing dinner.

• a night out at a club ends in a cheesy scene at dawn running into the water at a beach screaming "this is the best night of my life", only one of many cheesy scenes

And the list goes on. Amateur hour on so many levels other than the cinematography. Ugh.

The Cars That Made the World (2020)

Automotive history as acted by American accented frat bros

[3/10 · 1 April 2023]

The many stories of automotive history are always fascinating, although as noted by other reviewers, it is sadly marred by:

• overly breathy narration
• only a selection of the many stories underlying the development of the motor car
• poorly acted re-creations of so-called key moments in the history of each story, by a bunch of frat boy actors with American accents playing their roles like they have put on some fancy costumes in a college play, not trying to recreate historical moments with any sense of accuracy.

Although probably not a surprise given it was made for the US history channel...

Lost Home Movies of Nazi Germany (2019)

Fascinating historical evidence, marred by giving airtime to James Holland

[9/10 · 20 November 2022]

Absolutely fascinating first hand historical evidence in the form of home movies, diary entries and reminiscences by survivors.

The only criticism is that it resorts to the seemingly typical requirement of documentaries these days to give screen time to "experts", in this case committing the egregious sin of occasionally cutting to the reaction of those "experts" as they watch the film, rather than allowing the film to speak for itself.

A fascinating short film made by those in hiding in Amsterdam during the Occupation is marred by continually cutting to the "expert" watching and her reaction.

And as for whoever James Holland is, continually cutting away from the actual film to spend time on his face as says "look at that" or makes some vapid observation drove me batty. Where we can view these films without being subjected to being interrupted for these vanity shots?

When Big Things Go Wrong (2021– )

Padded by interminable scripted gushing from documentary "experts"

[4/10 · 28 October 2022]

The experts include the serial documentary "expert" Rob Bell, exaggeratedly overemphasising every word on his autocue.

Combined with the over the top background music, exaggerated wording laden with cliches, repetition of scenarios (do we really need the eyewitness to explain their experience at the start, and then again in even more detail later), and lots of padded stock footage, this is everything I loathe about documentaries woefully covering.

Each interesting subject could have been covered in about a third of the time. This would have allowed for a lot more unique, insightful content to be covered without being a vanity project for all the presenters, including Rob Bell.

Elize Matsunaga: Once Upon a Crime (2021)

Spouse admits to killing and dismembering other half...

[1/10 · 16 February 2022]

And somehow there are almost four gruelling hours debating whether things like alleged mental cruelty and the lack of a possible accomplice justify their actions!

Hopefully the child is never forced to meet their surviving parent!

Inventing Anna (2022)

A wasted opportunity

[1/10 · 13 February 2022]

Instead of any real insight into the truly incredible story how a 20-something from the other side of the world managed to finagle her way into New York high society and stay there successfully for years, the first episode focusses on the formulaic story of a reporter trying to get their "big break" story, with Anna Sorokina being a supporting narrative.

I'll have to wait until an authoritative documentary about Anna Sorokina is released to get that insight, and watch "All The President's Men" again for a genuine "reporters trying to get their big break" story.

I'm not wading through 8 more episodes of turgid writing, wavering accents and poor acting to find any of that here.

Quicksand (2019)

Middling 90 minute telemovie dragged out into a 6 part mini-series

[2/10 · 11 February 2022]

Demonstrating the need for content filler for streaming services, a story which tighter scripting and editing may have turned into a taut 90 minute thriller is dragged out into almost 4 hours of filler padding, where behavioural improbabilities of key characters become painfully obvious.

The Other Side of the Wind (2018)

Evidence that 'lost' movies should probably remain that way

[2/10 · 12 November 2021]

As a film aficionado since childhood, 'lost' films have always held fascination for me, whether:

• lost long after initial release (such as Convention City 1933)
• seen once and never released for whatever reason (such as the first, silent, Marx Bros movie Humorisk 1921)
• films contemplated but never produced (countless examples)
• films stalled or abandoned during production (such as this one).

As an example of a 'found' film, The Other Side Of The Wind does not make me hold out much hope about the quality of those lost. Other than some glimpses of the wonderful Lilli Palmer and the usual strong performance by John Huston, this feels like a poorly produced collection of 1970's home movies. It is almost ironic when screening the film-within-the-film, one character remarks "Hey isn't this out of order?" and another comments "Does it really matter?"

Parks and Recreation (2009–2015)

Camerawork to make you seasick

[1/10 · 19 August 2021]

This show came recommended and it may have the best writing in the world but I couldn't get more than 10 minutes into the first episode.

The camera work was being executed like a drunk standing in a rowboat.

They may have thought that added to the authenticity of the 'mockumentary' style but it just caused me to feel seasick - which I don't feel on actual boats!

For the love of Pete just hold the camera steady!

Possessions (2020)

Huh?

[1/10 · 16 March 2021]

Is it a murder mystery? A police procedural? A family drama? A psychological drama with spiritual overtones?

As the plot increasingly strains credulity and the characters react inexplicably to the unrealistic situations, it becomes clear that it isn't any of those, as it interminably lumbers to and which leaves so many questions unanswered you'll wonder why you bothered.

Spare yourself.

Departure (2019–2022)

I can't believe this badly acted tripe has been renewed for a second season!

[2/10 · 12 December 2020]

As identified in many other reviews, rudimentary production, a woefully cliched script, gaping plot holes and truly awful amateurish acting make this seem like a well financed test run for a TV production college.

The Great Fire: In Real Time (2017)

Another fascinating documentary topic marred by presenter narcissism

[6/10 · 23 November 2020]

Argh!!! Why do so many documentary makers feel like they need to distract from the fascinating topic with non-stop airtime given to indulge the vanity of the presenters, their personal reactions and their redundant comments and superlatives? It is appropriate for breakfast television but not for documentaries.

Medici (2016–2019)

The acting and scripting befits daytime soap operas

[1/10 · 27 October 2020]

A fascinating historical topic, lavish sets and costumes can't make up for amateurish scripting and acting performed with all the hammy earnestness of a high school Shakespeare rendition:

• Most of the cast look like they are between gigs in blockbuster action movie series and are padding out their resume with some "serious" acting.
• Despite the plot in the first season jumping between two periods 20 years apart, often only the haircuts of the two lead males will give it away - as well as the roles of the adult child and his wife, looking almost older than his parents
• Someone forgot to tell Dustin Hoffman that he was no longer on the set of Death of a Salesman but was supposed to be playing the ruthless founding patriarch of one of the most influential families of the Middle Ages.
• Brian Cox looks like he's paying the utility bills while waiting for the script for Succession to come across his desk and give him a role to sink his teeth into.
• Crowd scenes appear to have been directed with all the subtlety of "act angry!". "Now nod earnestly in agreement"

I couldn't make it beyond half way through season 1. Reading the comments that it looks good compared to season 2 makes me glad I did.

Drowning in Plastic (2018 TV Movie)

Truly important topic ruined by documentary presenter narcissism

[6/10 · 4 October 2020]

This is a topic which deserves more documentary and news airtime and there is a lot of insight in this documentary.

However, the topic deserves better than the frequent documentary failing here, where the topic is overwhelmed by the presenter's narcissism, diverting time and focus on their image, their experiences and their reactions, rather than the topic, the artifacts and the experts providing their insight.

It is continuous throughout, but the most aggregious example: the presenter standing at a plastic clogged river in Indonesia, with the camera focussed on the presenter exclaiming "Look at that..! Just look at that..!" rather than showing us the plastic clogged river to look at!

Daphne (2017)

A glum allegory of modern Britain

[1/10 · 4 July 2020]

For an hour and a half, this film aimlessly wanders through the life of a Londoner who:

• pushes anyone who (inexplicably) expresses any tenderness or romantic interest away
• shows little more than mild interest or affection for a terminally ill parent
• appears unable to even enjoy the pleasures of illicit drugs or anonymous sex despite partaking frequently
• manages to chastise the victim of violence she has witnessed in their moment of greatest vulnerability
• blames everyone else for the feelings of emptiness

Is it a spoiler to say that nothing else happens? Ugh, save yourself 90 minutes.

Money Heist (2017–2021)

Proof the Spanish can also do bad American TV

[1/10 · 7 April 2018]

Netflix's recommendation algorithms clearly need some work if they think this was a 98% match. The initial premise is interesting but became an interminable endless series of:

- ever widening plot holes and layers of implausibility - some of which have been mentioned in other reviews. Will I recover from a gunshot wound as quickly as some of the characters here? Where do all the pizzas and food come from? Is the Mint cafeteria still operating during the heist? Why is the lead investigator running around doing her own thing while the whole world's media watches the siege? - the repeated use of the Long Arm of Coincidence to move the plot along - levels of incompetence among the lead investigator, Spanish police and intelligence services which make the Keystone Cops look like a highly trained SWAT team - cut-out characters whom it is impossible identify with, let alone like.

I hate-watched to the end to drink a shot of vodka each time another plot hole or implausibility came up, but ran out of alcohol long before this unnecessarily long series came to an end. Such a shame that the Spanish can cliche drama as badly as the Americans.

Sextette (1977)

Like watching a train wreck - it's horrible, but you can't take your eyes away!

[1/10 · 16 March 2003]

A lot of famous actors have ended their careers with atrocious movies, and this would have to be the high water mark. As a friend said, Mae must have been senile to agree to appear in this, otherwise how could she have let people put her through this?

The plot, for what it's worth, involves Mae's wedding night to a British noble young enough to be her grandson (played by Timothy Dalton) interrupted through the machinations of her agent by some of her ex-husbands, such as Ringo Starr, George Hamilton and Tony Curtis (who plays as if he truly appreciates the absurdity of the venture being undertaken), the search for a tape of her memoirs, and Mae somehow salvaging global peace at a diplomatic conference held at the hotel in London she is staying at. Cameos from others such as Rona Barrett and George Raft (Mae's first screen co-star in 1932, who grimaces through his scene with Mae in the elevator as though he regretted agreeing to do it) abound.

The story though is the least reason to watch. Rather, watching a mummified 86 year old hobbling her way through double entendres, holding herself up against candelabras during musical numbers and being treated by all and sundry as if she were Venus de Milo herself beggars description. A subplot concerning doubts about the sexuality of her new husband seems to miss the fact that doubts about any of the performers' sexuality would have to exist, not least a ludicrous number where members of the American athletic team cavort adoringly around Mae.

The director seems to have made a conscious decision to film scenes in such a way as to minimise Mae's screen time, and when she is in view of the camera it makes sure that it never gets too close. The fact that Mae appears to have dunked her head in a bowl of make up and is filmed through what appears to be guaze seems to indicate that all others concerned were at least trying to take pity on the poor woman while at the same time humoring her.

The musical numbers themselves are side splittingly funny (it's hard to pick a highlight, but one number which could best be described as Mae West does disco would have to take the cake!), Mae's costume changes look like an expensive Edith Head designed drag show, and Mae cracking unabashed double entendres while staring cross-eyed through heavy lids ("I want them to say the British are coming") is mind boggling. Mercifully the audience are spared a sex scene, or even a kiss between her and Dalton, which would have crossed the boundaries of good taste.

I can't begin to comprehend who thought this could be a good idea (if Mae wasn't senile, let's hope she was extremely self-deprecating) but I honestly can't understand why this movie isn't more of a cult classic. I gave it one star but it is so bad it's good. It's like watching a train wreck - no matter how bad it gets, you keep watching because you know it's going to get worse! I need to watch it again this time looking for the evidence of Mae using a cane and having an ear piece through which her lines were fed to her.

Mission: Impossible II (2000)

I tried to like it, but...

[24 February 2003]

Now I know how people in much more filmed cities (such as New York, Paris, etc) feel when watching a bad movie filmed in their city. By the end of this one, I was just applying my knowledge of the Sydney road grid and traffic jams and loudly proclaiming that there is no way Ethan Hunt could get from where he had the last fight on the beach to where the damsel in distress was in the time available.

The Man with the Golden Gun (1974)

One of the most underrated Bond films

[10 January 2003]

At the outset, I have to say that in my opinion, Roger Moore is James Bond. The character and the situations he confronts are basically ludicrous, and to portray the character with deep human emotions and dilemnas (a la Dalton and Brosnan) seems to me to miss the point entirely.

That said, TMWTGG, which is often lambasted as one the worst Bond movies, holds up as one of the best. Bond movies run to a formula, and in this one the elements of that formula come together relatively seamlessly. It's often said Roger Moore didn't "grow" into the role until "The Spy Who Loved Me", which this movie clearly shows is not the case. He shows all the classic lighter Moore touches, witty, debonair, but also shows at lot of the menace of the Fleming novel Bonds (witness his extraction of information about Scaramanga from Maud Adams). The locations - Cairo, Hong Kong, Bangkok etc - are all glorious, international, vivid locations! Christopher Lee as Scaramanga is a believable villian who doesn't have a complete "let's destroy the whole world" plot and is prepared to go head to head with Bond.

There are a few jarring notes - Britt Ekland's "English" accent, the return of Sheriff Waldo T. Pepper (even Roger Moore looks pained when he is in the car with him chasing Scaramanga) and Lulu's theme song is the weakest until Madonna came along with "Whine Another Day" - but no Bond movie is perfect and they all have moments like these.

None of these however go towards diminishing my enjoyment of this movie. If only they made Bond films like this nowadays!