I_Hate_Almost_Everything Reviews

Gunrush (2009 TV Movie)

Bum Rush...

[1/10 · 26 August 2009]

Written by someone who almost certainly has never been anywhere near a council estate, this one-off ITV drama is testament to how bad British TV is. It's like The Wire written by somebody who's only experience of gun culture is reading about it in The Guardian.

Timothy Spall's daughter is shot and killed by a black stereotype. The question we are presented with is what causes this kind of mindless violence? Is it bad parenting, peer pressure, rap music, culture, society, etc, etc? None of the above, it seems. The answer is Gun Rush. A kind of orgasm brought on by firing a gun. The shooter loves his gun. He really loves it. He strokes it and sleeps with it. This is the reason behind the upturn in Britain's gun crime; fetishists.

After shooting this girl, the guy goes to a club and starts firing his gun into the ceiling. The people upstairs are so impressed by this that they recruit him into their inclusive equal-opportunities mixed race gang. Unfortunately, they want to dispose of the guy's gun. This doesn't go down well as the man loves his gun.

After it has been disposed of, Timothy Spall stands by a canal. It is here that he decides to find the gun that killed his daughter and solve her murder on his own. If only he knew that the gun was disposed of at the very same spot of the very same canal at which he's standing. What are the odds? Later, the black stereotype turns up at the canal to reclaim his gun. How did he know it was there? Does the gun have some kind of power that attracts people to it? It that why Timothy Spall was there earlier? Is that why the man loves it so much? Anyway, Spall starts hanging out with Paul Kay, who looks like he's on his way to a fancy dress party as Captain Jack Sparrow. Sparrow's a crack addict who shows Spall around the estate. After ten minutes, Spall has found the stereotype who killed his daughter, so he goes to a karaoke bar for a little sing-song.

Later that day, Stereotype is stabbed by the guy who earlier disposed of his gun. He gets his revenge by shooting an asthmatic bloke in the leg. This is Spall's opportunity. The same gun has been fired. Now he can finally avenge his daughter's death.

He doesn't avenge her death but his surviving daughter does play the cello so it all worked out in the end.

Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots (2008 Video Game)

Tactical Espionage Boredom

[1/10 · 22 February 2009]

So there I was, flicking through the pre-owned titles in my local Game store, when I came across Metal Gear Solid 4 for just £15! When I got to the counter I was charged just £10. I didn't say anything and left feeling pretty pleased with myself. Oh, how the staff must have been laughing at me.

You see, having found MGS4 nestling amongst the pre-owned games, I naturally assumed that it was a game. It wasn't. It was a movie. I wouldn't have begrudged paying £10 for a movie. Especially a Blu Ray. But I wanted a game... A GAME!!!

In fairness, it probably doesn't qualify as a movie either. Firstly, it's longer than all three Lord Of The Rings put together. Secondly, and most importantly, there is a small amount of interactivity now and then.

Sometimes while watching the movie, you can hit the X button and see brief split-second subliminal screen-caps from previous MGS instalments. Occasionally, you can hold down the L2 button and watch the movie from a slightly altered angle for a few seconds. Best of all, once every hour or so, they actually throw you five minutes of game-play.

The game-play element of this movie consists of sneaking stealthily towards a red marker on the map in the top-right of the screen. Since each area has been broken down into much smaller areas (which have to load and which the bad guys can't cross) sneaking isn't really necessary, it just makes you feel like you're actually doing something that vaguely resembles "gaming". If however, you're anxious to get back to the feature film, just run.

I was compelled to write this review after 22 hours of MGS4. It was during the "Mission Briefing" cut-scene for act 3. During these parts of the movie, you take on the role of a little robot that can actually wander around in first-person mode and view the cut-scene from within. You can't influence any of the characters because that would come perilously close to constituting a game but you can move around, which is something.

After about 20 minutes of listening to people talk while looking at their ankles, I noticed a chicken coup. I approached it and found that I could slap the chickens with my robot tentacles. For five minutes, I slapped those chickens. I was enthralled by the sensation. Here I was tapping buttons on a controller and by the magic of technology I was able to manipulate the pixels before me.

Then it hit me. I'd been watching MGS4 for so long, I had forgotten how it felt to play a game. I own Grand Theft Auto IV and Pro Evolution 2009 but here I was getting excited about slapping a chicken.

If I can save one person from the tedium of MGS4, then this was worthwhile.