razvan_alexandru Reviews

Dragon Day (2013)

What's the Chinese character for "mind-numbingly appalling"?

[1/10 · 11 December 2013]

The good people of the P.R. of C. suddenly decide they've just about had it with the U.S. of A.'s outstanding debt and subsequently pull the proverbial rug from under their feet by activating some secret backdoor that renders all Chinese microprocessor powered machinery useless. America grinds to a halt, the Chinese starve them into submission, chaos ensues. Blah. Blah.

As if the underlying premise wasn't idiotic enough, the acting, the directing and the editing made short work of everything else. Rarely have I ever seen a movie as lame and as pitiful as "Dragon Day".

In a twisted sort of way, I'm actually glad I soldiered on until the end as sure enough the ending was the icing on the cake, with the protagonist once again resorting to an act of unspeakable stupidity involving a (Chinese made, I'll bet) power tool. You HAVE GOT to see it to believe it.

The fact that garbage such as this actually gets funded is in and of itself far more of a threat to America's integrity than anything an enemy could conjure up from the outside.

Pandorum (2009)

In space, nobody can hear you scream. Or see you gnaw on astronaut body parts.

[9/10 · 11 November 2009]

I watched 'Pandorum' a few hours ago and by God, was this refreshing. It's the kind of flick critics tend to frown upon while audiences tend to relish through and through. Well, not quite any audience. If you've enjoyed movies like 'The Descent', '30 Days of Night' or 'The Midnight Meat Train', then know 'Pandorum' is a bit of each and then some. If neither rings a bell, do pass it up.

It's brutal, it's gloomy, it's relentless and above all it's got a nice little story to tell on top of all that creature-related fun and frolic. And while we're on the creature subject, Stan Winston's company (R.I.P.) was on the job. Even though they borrowed heavily from 'The Descent' there, the creature kinetics was great. Acting was also way above par as both Ben Foster and Dennis Quaid delivered great, sustained performances throughout. One final word on the directing side. As I understand this was Christian Alvart's only significant job he's landed so far. Judging by the way he's handled Pandorum, he's bound to make it big. Fingers crossed, Chris.

With its winding post-apocalyptic story and that bleak, dense, impending doom Alien-like feel to it, 'Pandorum' was one of the only two sci-fi movies I enjoyed this year. Duncan Jones' 'Moon' was the other one, though GERTY never quite got round to butchering Sam. *Sigh*

Knowing (2009)

Shyamalanning the audience to sleep

[3/10 · 22 June 2009]

The thought alone of M. Night becoming a source of inspiration to other filmmakers gives me the creeps. That is, unlike the spooky kids, nerdy astrophysicists (pardon the redundancy) and high pitch "awe-inspiring" sounds that this movie abounds in.

While watching the first half of Knowing felt a bit like an early episode of The X-Files ("Conduit"), the movie on the whole did have this direct-to-TV feel to it, had it not been for the decent FX. Story-wise though, Knowing is a disaster on its own. It does redeem itself to a certain extent during the second half, but the damage had already been done by then.

If there's one thing that sets this one apart from the rest of the doomsday blockbuster pack, it may well be what it seems to postulate at the end of the 2 hr long drag. Namely, that fluffy white bunnies, when not butchered for their fur and/or meat, will earn their salvation. You'll have to see it and laugh it out to believe it.

Kill Theory (2009)

The Kill Theory and the Awful Practice

[2/10 · 18 June 2009]

I have on occasions come across reasonable, enjoyable slashers ("Midnight Meat Train" and "All The Boys Love Mandy Lane" to name the first I could think of). This was certainly not the case with this one. Not by a long shot. Poor direction, laughable script, awful, plain awful acting. In spite of a potentially generous premise (demented killer doing none of the dirty work but instead relying upon victims to turn against one another), Kill Theory is nothing but a 75 min long streak of fits of hysteria and oh so much yelling and cursing. No tension, no build-up, no plot twists, nothing that can render such a movie interesting. Then again, it's got gore, that'll probably do for some.

Shutter (I) (2008)

The reason they stopped making Polaroids

[2/10 · 15 January 2009]

I Know What You Did Last Summer, I Still Know What You Did Last Summer,

The Ring, The Ring 2, The Grudge, The Grudge 2, The Grudge 3.99 beta, Solstice

If you've seen any/all of the above and came back for more, then know that Shutter is either of these movies taken randomly or all of them squashed into one, whichever you may prefer. This time though you're supposed to be given serial heart attacks by a ghost showing up in the pictures taken by a photographer (the annoying guy from Dawson's Creek). No, not that guy, the other one, the r.e.a.l.l.y. annoying guy.

And remember the little girl from The Ring? The one with the loose hygiene practices? Well, apparently she's all grown up now and minding her business as usual, i.e. hopelessly trying to be the resident creep in lousy J-horror remakes. And I almost could have sworn Naomi Watts was the female lead here too, but no, it was this younger lookalike they found somewhere. Easy on the eye, I'll give her that. Though her acting abilities rank somewhere between Joshua Jackson's and those of a jerrycan.

Shutter commits that most aggravated of all horror movie sins: it fails to even startle people. Actually it's so tame it's been reported to have a soothing effect on people with pacemakers.

Then there are all these moments when they build up some tension such that you expect to see someone getting it big-time. Then the most mundane thing happens, ridicule ensues, the Scary Movie franchise lives to see another installment.

I'll give this one an extra star for the ending. Not that they redeemed it at the end or anything, it's just that I honestly appreciated the darn thing did eventually come to an ending.

Oh,that's right. You read this to learn why they stopped making Polaroids.

Um, because they're no longer economically viable?

The Happening (2008)

The Haplessning

[2/10 · 10 January 2009]

Yes, I know that's not a word. It's just the kind of nonsense that can describe this movie. So many others here have felt compelled to come up with some play on words just to express their frustration over watching M. Night's latest train wreck of a movie and that says quite a lot.

Apparently Shyamalan (again) went out of his away to prove The Sixth Sense was a fluke after all. Signs and The Village were so-and-so and Unbreakable was only marginally more tolerable than this, but The Happening has got to be his career low so far.

As if his direction wasn't bad enough. he also wrote the script, and what a catastrophe this turned out to be. I mean, they're being killed by WHAT???

To add insult to injury, in comes the cast.

Mark Wahlberg. Give him an action hero part and he is OK, he's a lot like a younger, yet-to-be-surgically-enhanced, slightly depleted version of Bruce Willis'. Give him anything else and he is a wooden plank. That classroom scene early in the movie... Ayyye-trocious.

Zoooooey Deschanel. (Sorry, can't help thinking her name spells a lot like that Google search thingy). If it weren't for those pretty blue eyes of hers, I'd say she was a wooden plank too. A wooden plank with pretty eyes. That settles it.

John Leguizamo. Sure, his part was smaller, I give him that. Still, I'm pretty sure Leguizamo means 'wooden plank' in some Philippino dialect.

An extra star for that scene where it rains construction workers, that was kind of neat. A creepy scene desperately in need of a better movie to fit in.

The Warlords (2007)

Not bad, actually, not bad...

[8/10 · 10 January 2009]

..for a movie that's a bit difficult for Western audiences to enjoy. I mean, let's face it, we're not exactly suckers for blood oaths as the main plot device, which is the case here, and the story may feel hard to follow at times.

Two things made be enjoy this one. For one thing, the Chinese did a pretty good job as far as giving the movie the proper epic side it needed. There's only a fine line between epic cinematography and drollery and these guys managed not to cross it, unlike, say, Gladiator or '300'.

Then, there's the acting. Having only seen Jet Li in Hollywood movies before I thought he was something of a Jackie Chan without the funny face. I stand corrected, he gives a great performance in Tau Ming Chong, he is truly believable as his character, general Pang, gradually turns into a ruthless backstabbing freak for power. Finally, kudos to the actor playing Er Hu, Andy Lau. I hope I'll get to see more of him.

Having seen the abominable blockbuster that 'The Last Samurai' really is the other night, it definitely enhanced my appreciation for this title.

Suspiria (1977)

So flawed yet so delightfully creepy

[8/10 · 22 December 2008]

It really amazes me how they managed to squeeze so much out of so little. Let's get the facts straight here, there's quite a lot here that simply doesn't help this movie one bit. For starters, better scripts have been seen out there, the acting is certainly nothing to write home about, the fake blood looks extra cheap and the list could go on and on.

But then there's the stuff they got right. There's literally only a handful of killings throughout as the low body count meant they could elaborate more on every single one of the gore scenes. That means the old 'get stupid character do stupid things and do away with them in the next scene' routine is nowhere to be found in this giallo classic. Argento's direction is nothing short of superb and to top it all off, there's that haunting score, easily one of the best I've come across in the genre and possibly this movie's single greatest asset.

Blood and Chocolate (2007)

Vampy and the Chocolate Factory

[3/10 · 17 December 2008]

Well, it's not vampires, it's werewolves. No wait, I'm told it's actually loups-garoux and they're supposed to be like the next best thing to werewolves but not werewolves per se. Oh well. Anyways, there's a whole bunch of these bloodsuckers in this movie and they're all conveniently located in the most obvious place on Earth one would put them in. Wall Street.

Nope. It's Romania of course.

Hèlas, they've been driven here from all of the western countries by a somewhat inferior predator whom science books refer to as man. Their leader (played by the ghastly Olivier Martinez, whom I shall henceforth call 'The lousiest French export ever since the Renault Twingo hit the market a good while ago', keeps babbling something about an ancient prophecy that has to be fulfilled with the aid of his bride-to-be Vivian (played by the otherwise very lovely Agnes Bruckner). Then in comes this guy who draws comic books for a living if you believe such a thing. He then falls in love with the charming dame and swiftly draws his fair share of spite and resent from the pack of, well, ghoulish yet uncannily human-like creatures of the dark. Oh, did I mention Vivian works at a chocolate factory for a living in her relentless pursuit of something to get that darn blood sugar issue of hers straightened without having to resort to hunting like her peers?

Chances are the movie was a tad bit more eventful than that, it's just that it was so hopelessly unoriginal and clichéd it all went pass me as soon as I watched it. One thing did stick to my mind way longer than I could possibly endure: it's that French guy who beats the living hell out of a Twingo in terms of dullness anytime.

On the upside though now that the harm of watching this movie has already been done, should I ever come near a copy of Annette Klause's novel, I'll make sure I get to read it. That way I may get some insight into just what prompted casting Martinez in the first place.

Snuff: A Documentary About Killing on Camera (2008)

Thought provoking at the very least

[7/10 · 17 December 2008]

It has to be said from the get-go that this is no proper documentary as it's circumstantial and somewhat manipulative (maybe even insufficiently documented for all I know). But while the case studies it brings about certainly have this feeling of tabloid garbage fed to the masses by the teaspoonful, what it all boils down to at the end of it all is that it manages to raise the question of whether or not snuff cinematography is more than an urban myth (again). The answer it seems to convey is a definitive yes and, knowing human nature as I do, I tend to agree.

Sadly though there's just too much beating about the bush. Snuff and mainstream cinematography ('Cannibal Holocaust')? Snuff and war footage? You're missing the point here and stretching the concept way past the rupture point.

That said, if you happen to have a chance to watch this and can put up with its violent content, do not hesitate. And I mean really, really violent 'Saw'-has-nothing-on-this kind of content.

100 Feet (2008)

Death doesn't do us part after all... Phoooey...

[17 December 2008]

Mental note: anything developing from such silly a premise cannot redeem itself no matter what. And a silly premise it is. Abused wife kills abusive husband, lands house arrest sentence and a nice 100 ft. radius to do stupid things in throughout the movie. While spousal abuse is no laughing matter but the people who made this managed to turn it into one by mixing in the late husband's ghostly return to his old habits, a kid-next-door who's got the hots for our leading lady and an overprotective cop who used to work with her husband. Doesn't make much sense, does it? Well, tell that to the screenwriters. All in all, we have one dubious looking hologram-like up-to-no-good ghost, some poltergeist to make for a few faint scares every now and then and your mandatory sex scene to account for having cast a former Bond Girl who seems hellbent on picking awful parts and do away with any slight chance to jumpstart her career in the process. I gave this movie 2 stars for this one scene where a guy gets mauled to death. Yes, I know it's been done to death - hehe - it's just the only thing here that stood out. Sort of. Mental note #2: anything starring Michael Paré, even if it's the aforementioned hazy thing, couldn't possibly be worth my time. Better make that a sticky and slap it on my desk.