Jackpalance Reviews

Van Helsing (2004)

Thanks Again, Hollywood!

[1/10 · 10 May 2004]

Kicking off the summer movie season with a bang, Van Helsing is a wonderful reminder to why one should just go in to cinematic hibernation from May until September. The story makes no sense what so ever, the mythologies of all three monsters are horribly distorted, and Kate Beckinsale is 2 for 2 when it comes to Vampire/Werewolf movies that suck. I would have had a better rime if I had paid $6.00 to watch a middle finger on the screen for two hours. Either that or have Lon Cheney come back to life and kick me in the balls.

The Italian Job (2003)

Thanks for the Trailer Paramount!

[6/10 · 28 May 2003]

With all the money that movie studios make, it's nice to know that there are still people out there who can take the time out of their busy schedule to thank the people who got them where they are. Paramount for example has been kind enough to shrink down their latest caper movie, "The Italian Job" in to a nice 45 second trailer. If one is fortunate enough to catch this on TV (which shouldn't be a problem), they should take the time to write Paramount and thank them for keeping $7-$10 in their wallet. This movie was THAT 45 SECOND TRAILER STRETCHED OUT OVER 90 MINUTES. I am sorry, but they put everything that would have been enjoyable about this movie in the trailer. From Seth Green's one liners to the (anti)climactic car chase, the movie seemed to drag if only because I was used to seeing it resolved in under a minute instead of two hours. Save your money for something else, just take it as a thank you from Paramount.

Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever (2002)

As Boring as the Title is Long!

[1/10 · 23 September 2002]

This was by far one of the worst films I have ever seen. Normally I can appreciate a bad action movie as much as a good one, but this movie really was the worst kind, boring and unfunny. I was worried when the opening titles looked worse than most made-for-tv movies, but that is only the tip of the iceberg. The martial arts are shot too close to tell what is going on, the car chase might as well take place on vespa scooters (I swear no one is going faster than 30 mph), and everything blows up...everything. Please, please do yourself a favor and stay home and watch Predator on TNT, sure you'll already know what happens and there will me no blood, but Ecks and Sever will cost you $20 to see the same thing.