cuckookachoo Reviews

The Empty Man (2020)

The Empty Film

[3/10 · 1 August 2021]

During the first 22 minutes of this movie, I was transfixed by this film. The mood-setting was excellent, a perfect mix of dread and.uncertainty of what was to come next. Then the rest of the movie happened. It felt like they suddenly switched directors. I kept watching, hoping the vibe of the opening would come back but it didn't. It just turned into a very unnecessarily long rehash of concepts from other better films. (Angel Heart, Patrick, Kill List, etc). There were a couple of sequences that were sort of interesting and had my hopes up but ultimately the entire film was a big letdown.

Fulci for fake (2019)

Fulci For A Better Documentary

[2/10 · 3 February 2021]

Being a longtime fan of Fulci, I was looking forward to a comprehensive documentary on his life and films. I didn't expect a narrator to insert himself into each scene with uninteresting reaction shots. The scene with him on the floor shirtless guzzling Jack Daniels looking at Fulci posters had me questioning my investment in watching the film and I checked out of it shortly after. Shame, a missed opportunity especially given the access to his daughter's perspective.

The Nest (I) (2020)

Watchable but empty

[3/10 · 26 November 2020]

This film was highly recommended on a film podcast I enjoy so I went in blind, aside from knowing the director from his passably enjoyable Martha May Marcelene Whatever movie. This film certainly holds your attention with the excellent cinematography and foreboding soundtrack, but really nothing happens in this film aside from showing a family dealing with issues of moving abroad. It really felt like I was watching a mid-season episode of an acclaimed tv series that I'd never watched before. The recommendation I had heard mentioned that it all builds up to a fantastic ending, which this doesn't. I was expecting some sort of reveal or at least a climactic conclusion that would explain why the film's storyline was so basic and uneventful. But it just sort of fizzles out. That all said, I thought the actors did a fine job and as I said the cinematography was really the star, but the film certainly could've used a much better script and better direction.

Halloween (I) (2018)

Halloweeeak

[1/10 · 29 October 2018]

Wow, color me duped. I really bought into all the promises made by the filmmakers that they were going to honor the original and go back to the terrifying vibe John Carpenter once created. Pretty sure they meant they were just going to copy the Rob Zombie quick-cut, loud, obnoxious style instead. About a few minutes into this mess, the British podcaster (why is he British?) holds up the mask Michael Myers' wore during his killing spree saying the district attorney gave it to him. I had no idea that if you were a podcaster, you could just walk up a district attorney and ask for a crucial piece of evidence from a notorious murder case and he'll cough it up no prob. (I got dibs on John Wayne Gacy's clown costume) That was just the first of many, many "huh?" moments in this shameless cash grab of a "reboot". John Carpenter's original was a stark, realistic, tense horror film that gripped you with it's stripped down terror and menacing vibe. This soulless bloated Hollywood take makes even Halloween II look like a masterpiece, and I'm talking about the Zombie version. It's hard to believe Carpenter had any kind of input on this, although his last couple of films have unfortunately misfired as well so perhaps he did contribute. I won't even get into how they ruined Laurie Strode's character. Just avoid this at all costs and just watch the actual Halloween II (1981) instead, which (bad wig aside) really doesn't get enough credit for continuing the same feel of the first film.

Cherry Tree Lane (2010)

The dullest home invasion ever caught on camera

[1/10 · 24 September 2012]

The film opens with a long static shot of a boiling pot in the foreground and some inaudible conversation happening in the background. I think, OK I get it - this film will be a "boiling over" type situation. And then I wait, and the pot still boils. Then I wait some more, and the pot finally boils over. What could've been an interesting open shot overstays it's welcome and becomes the embodiment of what's wrong with the film itself. A dull film where nothing really happens.

After the interminable pot shot, we're introduced to two wholly unlikeable people sitting down to dinner in a very strange dining setup in the middle of a livingroom. Anyway, they bicker and become more unlikable and then the "thugs" show up who are just three teens with minimal amounts of threat levels. Somehow they overpower the couple and then the film comes to a screeching halt as we all sit and watch the characters watch TV, eat biscuits, and watch some more TV. Some action ensues after awhile, but by then you're too bored to give a crap about characters you care nothing about.

I won't spoil the film for you, the film is spoiled enough, so I'll just say steer clear of this dullfest. If you're looking for a suspenseful and more believable British film about chavs, check out Eden Lake or Harry Brown instead.

Buried (2010)

Buried in dumb

[1/10 · 1 January 2011]

The poster uses such words as "Gripping, Mesmerizing, Enthralling, Groundbreaking and Claustrophobic". Well, at least they got the claustrophobic part right. This is a one-note movie, an entire film taking place in a buried coffin with the guy from Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place (a show I've never seen). Kind of like Spoorloos, only just the end part and minus all the brains. The guy who plays the guy who gets buried seems like he's more suited for TV sitcoms, with his quirky hip delivery and wise-assish comments. Anyway, this guy gets buried and you realize 5 minutes in the only reason to watch this movie is to find out if he lives or dies. I was personally rooting for death by the 15 minute mark. I won't spoil it for you in case you're stuck on a long flight and this movie happens to be playing overhead. I'll just say for me the ending was the best part, and even provided an unintentional laugh. I'm stunned this movie has received any praise at all, least of all praise for that guy from Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place. Step aside Frozen, there's a new champ for worst movie of 2010.

End of the Line (II) (2007)

Awful

[1/10 · 23 July 2009]

I can't understand how this "movie" gets above a 1 rating on IMDb.

I put "movie" in quotes because End Of The Line doesn't even feel like a movie, but more like a video some high school kids put together as a project that would eventually get a D from their teacher.

Poorly acted, poorly shot, horribly scripted (if there even was one) - this thing just plain stinks on every level.

Please, don't make the same mistake I made wasting valuable time I could have been doing far more constructive things...

Avoid this one at all costs.

Please.

Invisible Child (1999 TV Movie)

Un-friggin-believable

[15 September 2003]

I can't believe IMDB even bothered to list this!!! I saw this awhile back on Lifetime and it stands as one of the worst/best things I have ever witnessed in my life. Rita Wilson plays a demented mother who imagines she has another daughter in one of the funniest movies I have ever seen, unintentionally so naturally. TOTALLY INSANE. I've told friends about it and they don't believe me. Now I have proof with this IMDB listing! I have to track this thing down and throw my own Mystery Science Theatre party....

The Thin Red Line (1998)

The Worst Movie Ever Made

[1/10 · 18 October 2002]

This is, in my humble opinion, the worst film ever made. It encompasses everything to do with poor filmmaking; zero character development, endless spooling of self-indulgent scenery shots, dizzyingly bad dialogue, and absolutely no point. Terence Malick, once responsible for influential films like "Badlands", takes a trip to Guadalcanal but leaves behind the shooting script. The scene with John Travolta and Nick Nolte pacing wordlessly aboard the battleship may be the most painful scene ever shot on film, challenging any scene in any Pauly Shore movie. The critics' lavish praise for this film was a blatant case of The Emperor's New Clothes. I can't even think about this film anymore.

Please stay away from this film.

Lantana (2001)

zzzzzz...

[1/10 · 30 September 2002]

My wife and I got a good night's sleep the other night, trying to watch this uninvolving snoozer. Painfully boring, this movie plods along following the lives of uninteresting people who live very uninteresting lives. An incident occurs one night (after an hour of the film) that somehow ties them all together. The setup was boring. The incident was boring. The ending was boring. This was a painful movie that went absolutely nowhere. You want character study (as I've heard this film described as)? Go rent "You Can Count On Me".

Ringu (1998)

Very Overrated

[27 August 2002]

While not terrible, this film has been internationally highly overrated as being "one of the scariest movies ever made." It isn't scary at all. If anything, there is just a slight feeling of dread and foreboding. The truth is, not that much happens in RINGU. Some say it has a gradual pace that American audiences aren't used to but this is just wrong, given the success of slower-paced supernatural films like The Sixth Sense. Others say American audiences are turned off by the subtitles, but Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon didn't seem to be hindered by that either.

Yes this film is somewhat entertaining as a thriller and yes it is slightly creepy at times but it certainly doesn't deserve the hyperbolic praise it has received.

While not exactly a "Blair Witch" (in terms of clunkers), it gets 2 an 1/2 stars out of 4 from me.

Fortunately, the sequel RINGU 2 improved upon the original and actually did deliver a few scares.

Ring 2 (1999)

Vast Improvement On Original

[20 August 2002]

Having been a little disappointed with the slow pace and lack of real terror in RINGU 1, I feel that RINGU 2 was a vast improvement. Although, viewing the first film is necessary to get the setup of what occurs in this film...so it's my recommendation to view the films back-to-back as one long story.

RINGU 2 was ghastly apparitions, an overwhelming sense of dread, creepy kids, an a foreboding sensibility to it that brings it above the level of it's predecessor. More than RINGU 1, this film makes you think more and scares more consistently...particularly when the tv producer who promises the terrified girl he will watch the tape...and the repercussions that occur when he doesn't...

rating: ****