Elohim777 Reviews

Valhalla Rising (2009)

Weird and artistic

[1/10 · 19 June 2010]

To me, the movie was horrible. I'm not an artistic type. It's very obvious the movie maker is trying to express himself, somehow. What he is trying to express however, I have no idea of.

The movie is about a warrior dubbed "one-eye" by the boy who follows him once he escapes his captors. The movie, to me, is unnecessarily gory (as in with details). The story is lacking, at best. The viewer, more or less, gets to make up the story as they move along in the movie.

The movie is very slow, there's lots of staring at each other and the entire script probably fits in 2 A4 pages.

The only good thing about the movie is the surroundings. The nature shots are very beautiful. Sadly, this is the only good part of the movie.

Not much acting is required, since all they do, more or less, is stare.

To me, the movie was way too artsy and way too special.

Terminator Salvation (2009)

T4? Abysmal. Not worthy of the franchise.

[2/10 · 9 July 2009]

After viewing it only one word popped to into my mind. "Abysmal". There are so many holes in story and logic, that I don't even know where to begin.

The nuke that goes off in the beginning for example. The helicopter crashes, fine. In the end? Just as close to the explosion, but somehow no EMP shockwave, or normal shockwave for that matter, and a LOOOOOOONG range on the detonator.

Then we have the chair, a keyboard and USB slot into Skynets mainframe. Why the hell is there a chair there? Or a keyboard and a USB slot for that matter? Does Terminators take breaks, and go surf the internet or something? Not to mention the terminator in the destruction camp wearing a bandana? (it was an exoskeleton) Who does it think it's fooling? "Well, it has a bandana, it has to be a human!" Also, when Connor meets arnie in the end, what happened there? Before the T-800 there were terminators with rubber skin, did they just decide to skip those? Also, whenever someone in the earlier terminator movies dreams of the future, all you see is laser weapons, basically. All you see in T4 is normal blackpowder weapons. Also, in the other terminator movies they make a point of having skulls everywhere on the ground. None to be found in T4.

Also the whole "let's capture Kyle Reese to lure John Connor in here" plot. Why the hell would Skynet leave Kyle Reese alive? Kidnap him, fake his lifesigns, kill him. When Connor arrives, have a couple of T-800's waiting with miniguns. Splat. Dead Connor, Skynet wins. But nooo, let's keep him alive and unguarded. That's the trick of winning the war! And what is up with the terminators all fighting in melee by THROWING the people around? Grab, crush, human dead.

If you want to see it, send me the rental/entrance fee, and I'll send you .gif animation of an explosion that repeats for 2 hours. You will see T4, basically.

Christian Bale was horrible as Connor as well. He needs to realize the difference between "Batman" and "Terminator", since Connor acted and talked like Batman.

Abysmal movie.

Mutant Chronicles (2008)

Horrible movie.

[1/10 · 5 January 2009]

I just sat through this movie (only to be able to brag within my circle of friends that I actually managed to watch all of it without committing suicide). It really is that horrible. I would say the "movie" is one long CGI effect with supporting actors. I've seen some of the actors in other movies, and they were all underperforming in this movie. The name Mutant Chronicles seems to be borrowed, since nothing I remember from the roleplaying game or the board games even reminded me of Mutant Chronicles. The symbols of the companies were all wrong, the only thing they got right was the names. They even placed the companies wrong on the map.

Storywise, it's thin and poor to say the least. The "mutants" all look identical, they don't use guns and for starters the "evil" is located on Pluto, not the Earth. It's the "evils" wet dream to actually reach the Earth. Also, if they took the "bomb" from the machine and it is said that it would blow up the machine if put back, why didn't they just put it back in the first place, since they were already there? The story is stupid, and full of holes, supported by horrible acting and a lousy script.

If you hate yourself, watch this CGI effect. Oh sorry, movie.

Land of the Dead (2005)

Horrible movie.

[3/10 · 30 July 2008]

I gave this movie a 3/10. It would have gotten a 1/10 if it wasn't for nice effects and the idea for the story that was in core, good.

However execution was horrible. First of all, this is not a followup to the REMAKE of Dawn of the Dead. It is actually a followup for the original Dawn of the Dead, which means that once again the zombies are slow and "moderatly" aggressive. That's not necessarily a bad thing, I like the Romero version of zombies. However, the humans acts like zombies too. Intelligence wise that is.

Parts of the movie I really didn't like: 1. One zombie shows he has very limited, but still, intelligence. Meaning he figures out how to open gates, how to cross rivers, and so on. I think he drained the intelligence from the humans guarding the town, since NONE of them see the HORDE of zombies coming until, of course, it's too late.

2. When standing guard outside the safe zone, where zombies roam, YOU DON'T PUT ON A WALKMAN ON HIGH VOLUME, like this one retarded guy does and, of course, gets himself killed due to it and then their mission almost goes fubar because of it.

3. In the end, a crowd is trapped in front of an electric fence with the zombie horde approaching from behind them. It all ends up with every single human dying and the zombies getting a nice snack. A little bit from there, the heroes arrive in their van with rocket launchers, just in time to see the zombies gorge down on the humans. One of the 'heroes' gets ready to fire, when the main character gets eye contact with brain-zombie. He then STOPS the other guy from blasting the zombies to kingdom come with the words "They're just looking for a home."

YEAH FINE, LET THEM EAT A TOWN THEN SPARE THEM OUT OF KINDNESS? Please.

Great holes in logic. Effects were well made, the core idea of the movie was great. Execution... was lacking to say the least.