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Reviews
Uncharted (2022)
I Imagine the video game is better
I figure Tom Holland was charismatic and a good action hero as Spider-man and Wahlberg is always good for a few yuks, how bad could this be? Turns out, it can be very bad. Speaking of bad, bad on me for assuming a video game could be a good movie source. A theme park ride, sure, but never a video game.
The plot is so hackneyed and contrived and don't even get me started about the dialogue. Still, I could have given it a D- because of the action, until I saw 500 year-old Spanish galleons flying. IO burst out laughing and was about to turn it off until I noticed there was only about 10 minutes or so left. Then I saw a 500 year-old cannon take out a modern helicopter.
Oh, why oh why didn't I turn it off...
A.R.C.H.I.E. (2016)
Quite Mediocre Kiddy Flick
Whether it's the corny plot, terrible dialogue or the extended fart scene (yes, I said extended), this movie is truly for the dogs. See what I did there? That's about the level of humor you can expect from this film.
It's nice to hear Michael J Fox working again, he's not enough to rescue this picture. Fox plays a talking robotic dog designed for military use whose primary programming seems to be spout every cliche ever written. The villains are cartoonishly simple, but then again, so are everyone's motivations.
It is cast and acted as a kind of teenage romcom/adventure, but it feels more like a Nickelodeon flick. Not the worst movie I've ever seen, but even my 10 year olds left the room before it was over. (Spoiler: the good guys win).
The Shallows (2016)
Woof!
This movie is an insult to sharks all over the world.
I want my 86 minutes back.
Equilibrium (2002)
Weak Mishmash of 1984 & the Matrix
Take about your piles of crap...
I really wanted to like this movie as the premise sounded great, but I couldn't. From the opening it just feels light-weight. The fight scenes are weak clones of the Matrix and the whole premise of "sense offense" is a Cliff Notes version of 1984. Bales conversion to good guy is laughably simplistic and unbelievable. Not amount of sleek, black outfits, gunfire and weak philosophy can make this stinker into a good movie.
I *feel* this movie really sucks.
The Titan (2018)
Shame
What an absolute travesty of ludicrous plot, terrible dialog and ham-fisted acting. A cliched group of hard-charging, but flawed super-soldiers volunteer for a program on near-apocalyptic Earth to be "transformed" into something able to survive on Saturn's moon Titan. Tom Wilkinson chews scenery as the seemingly benign, but mad professor running this scheme. Oh, but don't look now, soldiers! He's mixing your DNA with bats, frogs and other junk, because Sci-Fi! So, of course, all the soldiers die except for Rick (Sam Worthington), who likely wished he had. Through some nonsense logic turn of events, the Spanish NATO soldiers(!?) at the facility betray the kooky professor and Homo Titanicus, as Aqua-Bat-Frog-Rick is now categorized, is flying in a tank to the USA on a NASA plane, where we next see his wife and son looking proudly at the rocket he's presumably about to launch to Titan. The movie ends with Homo Titanicus flying through the atmosphere of Titan with his bat wing flaps to the triumphant swell of music. And scene!
Where's the Academy Award?
In a DVD-extra of the original ending, the remains of humanity decide humanity should go extinct rather than migrate to Titan when they realize their own created such an abomination of a movie.
I punched myself in the face for sitting through this dreck instead of doing something entertaining, like sleeping.
Clash of the Titans (2010)
Entertaining Popcorn Flick
Not the best mythological adventure movie you'll see, but with good CGI, big name actors, you could do worse.
The Little Hours (2017)
Sheet Sandwich
Wow. Where to begin...
This is one of the most self-indulgently awful films ever made. The plot(?) and dialogue are laughably bad. Swearing, violent and promiscuous nuns? A drunk, incompetent priest and mother superior? Never saw that coming...
The actors clearly have been basking in the smell of their own farts for too long to release a turd of this caliber.
Lost in Space (1998)
Insufferably Bad
I'm a Sci-Fi geek, so I'm pretty forgiving if you give me the basics, but this movie was mind-numbingly bad. Despite the great special effects, the predictable plot, laughable dialogue and wooden acting makes one wish this flight of the Jupiter 2 exploded on launch, putting the cast (and us) out of their misery. Two stars for Gary Oldman, who is completely wasted in this lousy film.