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Reviews
The Man Who Came Back (2008)
Soap Opera Western
Is there a classification lower than " Straight to Video "?
How about " Straight to the $3.99 bin " ? This one may be several grades below even that one .
Never mind what Armand Assante , Sean Young and George Kennedy are doing in this movie . " Hey , it's a job " I understand that an actor needs to work and this is the equivalent of me working at a fast food joint when times were tough . They probably got 75 thousand each for a few days work .
And it only took a few days to make this " Paint by the Numbers " pseudo - western . I used to say " I never saw a Western I didn't like ". Well , I can't say that any more .
I saw how this movie would evolve in the first few minutes . Good Guy , Bad guy , Post Slavery cruelty , Unjust murder , Righteous Indignation , Good Guy stands up for what's right , Dead family , Jail , Escape and Revenge .
I actually rooted for the bad guys in this one I was so bored .
Don't bother with this one . Save your bucks and rent something else .
Gerry (2002)
A Laff Riot in Fast Forward
Maybe I can make this movie more enjoyable for y'all . I admit that if you watch it normally your blood clogs in your veins and your eyeballs lose their ability to track images .
However if you have the DVD of this you can have one heck of a laugh . When Gerry ( or Gerry ) are out marching on the sand just hit Fast Forward speed on your remote . 4x or 8X works really well . Speeded up the two Gerries seem to be gliding over the terrain like Luke Skywalker's land speeder . Can they get where they're going ? It's a riot .
I never get tired of this .
By the way . When Gerry and Gerry left the scrub brush and started walking on the desert why didn't they just turn around and go back into the scrub brush ? I've always wanted to know this . The answer is that you wouldn't be able to see them magically sail over the sand with fast forward on your remote .
Cheers !
Lost Highway (1997)
He's NUTS - Grab Him !
I have a theory . David Lynch is obviously crazy . I don't mean " Oh what a Crazy guy . " I mean he's really truly insane . I recently saw an interview with him and it was all too apparent .
So , here's what I think . They were ready to toss him in the booby - hatch and he tried to convince them he wasn't insane even after they had seen some of his movies . So he did " Straight Story " to convince the guys in white jackets that he was mentally competent . Long story short - " Straight Story " convinced the guys in white jackets that he wasn't as nuts as they thought . So he dodged the loony bin and went back to making nutbag movies . See " Lost Highway " or " Mulholland Drive " if you doubt me .
Anyway , they should grab him up again before he makes more of these totally incomprehensible , unconnected , disjointed and totally worthless movies again .
Lars and the Real Girl (2007)
It's a DOLL !
I had one overwhelming thought while watching this miserable excuse for a movie . Why doesn't someone take Lars by the shoulders and scream into his face " YOUR GIRLFRIEND IS A LOVE DOLL ! REMEMBER WHEN YOU BOUGHT THE LOVE DOLL ? THIS IS IT ! IT'S NOT A HUMAN BEING ! ARE YOU NUTS ?? "
But everyone went along with the notion that a plastic toy is a human being . So let's take it to church and bathe it and watch it not eat at the table and stare at it every second .
And stare some more . And then get a POV shot where the plastic doll stares . And stare back again . Everybody stare now .
Who in their right mind could have green - lit this picture ? Was there actually a meeting at Yukapuk Pictures where the Big Exec said " This is an idea whose time has come . Let's make this ! "
It's exciting to be alive at this time because of the explosion of talent in Art , the movies and any number of emerging technologies and entertainment media . So when a movie like this sneaks in that would embarrass the hell out of Jesus Christ Himself I have to wonder " WTF " .
Dan in Real Life (2007)
Most annoying film ever
I wanted to like this film . As a big fan of Steve Carell I kept coming back to this film hoping there would be something likable about it .
Nope .
Dan's daughters " In Real Life " are the most irritating and maddening human beings ever to appear in a movie . You thought Meryl Streep's son Roarke was annoying in the River Wild ? Not even close . How about Stallone's son in that Arm Wrestling movie ? A piker .
If I had daughters like these I would send them to boarding school and then burn my house down and change my name . And did Dan ever snap and kill his offspring . Nahh . He just kept saying " o - kay " .
Everything Dan did was met with criticism . " Hapless in Seattle " should have been the name of this BOMB . We want to like a character or two when we see a movie . Unfortunately there are zero characters we like here .