kiawa77 Reviews

King of the Lost World (2004)

Another Steaming Pile from The Asylum

[1/10 · 14 August 2010]

Here we go. It's Saturday morning and while just getting up and around, I turn on the SyFy Channel. "King of the Lost World" is just starting, which makes me very, very suspicious.

"This must be an Asylum rip-off of something," I thought to myself and decided to watch to see of what. At first, I thought of course it would be The Lost World. But it also had the elements of the TV series Lost. But then... wait for it... wait for it... oh yes, King Kong. Of course they never say "King Kong"; that great ape is just "he" the whole time. Wouldn't want to invite any unwanted lawsuits.

As usual, the Asylum has churned out another meandering, un-thrilling, steaming pile of dung that can't even qualify as a B movie. Despite the names you'll recognize in the cast, the acting is forced at best, and the script is just ridiculous. The effects are equally bad, if not worse. My favorite was the little fake ivy you can get at Walmart that somebody pulled with a fishing line to terrify the team. It's all so fake.

Oh yeah, and where are the dinosaurs? And I don't mean just the fake impaled dinosaur head. It's the lost world after all...

Well, maybe when the Asylum releases "Star Conflicts: The Empire Hits Back", they'll be redeemed...

The Seamstress (2009)

Huh?

[3/10 · 19 June 2010]

I am always thrilled when there's NOT a SyFy Original on the SyFy Channel (or something made by Asylum), so I had hopes for this one. The actors were actually relatively decent, and this started out with some promise despite the oddities of the guy who apparently chronically masturbated (they felt the need to toss that in the movie as if it were some kind of major enhancement...)

But let me sum this up for you: some young adults running around the woods at night getting killed off one by one. Near the end, curse lifted, and all is well. Yay! If there were a real plot to this or something less contrived, then perhaps it would be more memorable or more watchable. But what we have here is a meandering pseudo-horror flick that makes you raise an eyebrow now and then between yawns.

I guess it's back to Dinocroc Vs. Supergator next week....

Dinoshark (2010 TV Movie)

DinoCrap would be a more suitable title... and probably more entertaining

[1/10 · 15 March 2010]

As usual, this SyFy time-waster opens with poor CGI effects. You can't appreciate the quality of "lame" unless you see it (which I don't recommend). This is soon followed by a terrible fake death scene.

And, as usual, we move onto a festive party scene, setting the stage for a terrible monster to wreak havoc on an unsuspecting happy-go-lucky resort town.

All throughout the movie, the dialogue is contrived and forced. Other than our man Trace (you may recognize him as "Milo" from 24), these actors deliver their lines very, very badly. And those lines are written very, very poorly. For instance, we have our little team gathered in a bar, huddled around a small table.

"Anybody want another drink?" the bartender asks... when the bottle is clearly sitting right there in the center of the table. As if they couldn't reach in 10 inches to fetch it for themselves. Stupid.

Oh, and whenever DinoShark is around, you hear the ominous rip-off of the JAWS theme. If this is supposed to be a tribute film, someone should be sued.

Rita getting into the water all alone with tritones playing in the background. Hello completely useless snippet of movie. Oh wait, that's supposed to establish the fact that the shark is a killer? Oh wait, that's supposed to lure search and rescue to the scene of the bloody water? But of course! DinoShark (who can roar mind you... those dino vocal cords) wanted another meal.

And don't forget those sensitive moments: "It's the first time I tasted food made with love." - Trace. That's a line? Seriously? Somebody wrote that... and then someone else actually approved it? Good grief.

Another useless scene with the chick from Aspen and the dude trying to get it on with her. Oh, and the excellent touch with the fake blood splattering on the lens. Wow. How artistic. Apparently it's been established that DinoShark has a taste for human blood. Although, I'm not too sure... maybe I require a refresher. Maybe DinoShark will kill again, and then (only then) will I be sure. The suspense they mount in this movie is to die for (pun intended, ha ha).

I did not have to wait long. After the impounding of Trace's boat, we do indeed have another useless scene to prove DinoShark's fiery bloodlust. As if we don't even know it's coming.

Now how to kill it? The guy will try to get some explosives from his "friends at the army base". Okay. That happens all the time.

If a shark can eat a whole boat, don't you think it can plow through a chain link fence? And we've already seen it flop out of the water; obviously it can jump. But a tiny fence with a barely floating bridge over it will surely stop DinoShark! Oh, and it eats crocodiles too. Another useless snippet of film. Thank you.

"Fantastic day of fun at the marina" = DinoShark attack.

Things you'd never say when discovering a severed head floating near a kayak: "Well, at least they got their wildlife adventure." Who wrote this rubbish? So eventually they catch up with DinoShark after it eats the parasailor (like nobody saw that coming), and Trace tosses a grenade at its eye orbit despite the fact that he could've thrown it right down the shark's throat. That would've exploded the shark from the inside and surely caused it death, but what do I know? And the fake black blood is a lovely touch.

As we all know, 'tis only a flesh wound, and DinoShark attacks again! "Welcome to the endangered species list..." our sweet science teacher says. But technically, since there's only one, it already qualifies for the endangered species list. She is now, effectively rendering it on the 'extinct list'. But who am I to nit-pick? Overall, this movie is HORRIBLE. It is completely predictable, boring, full of flat actors delivering poorly written lines and filled with choppy scenes that don't make much sense. If you have any kind of intellect, this movie is not for you. It's dull in every regard, not even so-bad-it's-good. It's not cheesy, drole, or fun in any way. You find yourself wondering why you're even watching it. I only did so I could write this review. This is a terrible flick, and it now ranks up there with my top 10 worst movies ever. It's a complete waste of time; save yourself.

Transmorphers: Fall of Man (2009 Video)

Verbal and Visual Excrement

[1/10 · 13 February 2010]

This movie is virtually worthless, and I haven't seen one thing that appealed to me. I knew from the title that it had to be an Asylum production (I still say they'll come out with "Halloween on Elm Street" someday). Unoriginal idea, mish-mash plot that's full of holes, acting that rivals that of fifth grade school plays, and ho-hum effects. I do think, however, that the pace-maker "transmorpher" was probably a prototype replicator they borrowed from the set of SG-1, ha ha!

And what's with the sex scene? Seriously. Did they just drop this in the middle to wake up everyone bored to sleep? Or was the acting so bad that they couldn't create enough chemistry between the two love-birds that they figured a blatant screwing would get the point across to us doltish viewers?

For having no computers and no communications, they are certainly very well-informed about the terraforming stations in Japan and Bulgaria. I can't even get some of the people in my own department a few cubes away to keep me up to speed. I guess the transmorphers have one up on me.

So here we have these amazing, technologically advanced, super-robots from outer space that can fly, move quickly, terraform our planet, transform themselves into various machines, and shoot laser beams. Yet, oddly enough, a single gunshot wound to what would be their chest area will cause them to instantly explode.

The very worst part of this horrible waste of time, however, has to be the wretched conversation about the difference between how aliens differ from extraterrestrials. Yes, one character was stupid enough to ask this question, and another one was ever-so-kind to explain it to we, the uninformed. Aliens, those heathens, attack like enemies, whereas extraterrestrials will only attack like friends, meaning in defense. This drivel is perhaps the most contrived piece of verbal excrement I've had the misfortune of hearing and has no place in film. I wish MST3K would take a stab at this.

What's most disturbing, however, is that this is the SECOND one of these dreadful movies. The flushing of just about anything down a toilet and posting it on YouTube would probably be more entertaining than this... and I'd look forward to its sequel.

Heatstroke (2008)

This Movie Should Come With a Warning Like Pharmaceuticals Do

[1/10 · 10 January 2010]

You know how the drug companies have to list the possibility of suicidal thoughts associated with their products? Well, I think this movie should have to include the same thing. It's deplorable in all aspects.

If you have nothing else to do, don't watch it. I just kept watching it in order to write a review on it, but I can't even write a decent review because it was really that bad. A terrible, illogical script with a set of wooden actors delivering their lines in a very flat way.

The CGI aliens are AWFUL. Think of the first generation of Doom, think of a raptor, and then add sounds from the Predator and a hissing cat. Add a puff of bad breath and a poor attempt at face-melting, and WHOA I'M SCARED! And no, this movie does not get any points for Danicka Keller for being in it. She acts badly too. She should stick to writing math books.

Back to the effects. They're bad. The scene with the English science doctor lady when she tries to be pals with the alien is the cake topper here. Did they use Windows paint to draw in the blood?! Guns don't fire, smoke looks like hairspray...

I can't go on anymore. It's just really, really bad. This has made it to the top of my All-Time-Worst-Movies-I've-Suffered list. Utter feces. Don't waste your time, not even for comic relief... there isn't any.

I give it a 1 because you can't go lower than that.

MegaFault (2009 TV Movie)

One of the WORST I've seen on SyFy.

[1/10 · 10 October 2009]

I would rather watch mold grow in a petri dish.

Physics and common sense aside, this movie just plain sucks. It is boring, mediocre on all levels, and hard to follow. I think it's hard to follow because it's just so boring. First there's a "mega fault" opening up over half the country (although not big enough to do anything cool like swallow a whole city), and eventually they freeze it. Then suddenly it bubbles with lava. Whatever.

The actors are L-A-M-E. The CGI is even worse. There's one scene near the beginning where a car falls into a sinkhole, but you see the concrete through the car. It's just dreadful.

And it may not be common knowledge, but you can't just flip a switch and turn on a helicopter like you do a car. They do that a lot in this movie... just turn it on and take off in a matter of seconds. Not possible in real life.

I could go on and on about the errors of this movie, but it's SyFy, so why bother? As usual, don't waste your time. There is no cool monster, no comic relief, no special effects worth seeing, nada. There is absolutely nothing redeemable about this flick whatsoever. There is not one moment where you say, "Yeah, the movie sucks overall, but that one part is awesome!" Nothing. Not even "so bad it's good"... it's just ALL BAD.

Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus (2009 Video)

Intellectually insulting on every level... and complete crap

[1/10 · 29 August 2009]

Megalodon sharks, in real world history, grew up to 59 feet long, and their teeth had a diagonal length of roughly 7 inches (as opposed to the 11 FEET stated by the "expert" in the movie). Taking into account the actual megalodon fossils we have and cross-referencing them with the 11-foot tooth they claim to have found in the movie, a simple math ratio gives us a 1,112.5-foot shark. That's almost 4 football fields long.

A commercial airliner flying over the ocean would cruise somewhere between 25,000 and 40,000 feet. The minimum altitude is 2,000 above sea level when flying over sea, and (duh) no fish can jump that high out of water. The shark is simply far too massive to hurl itself 2,000 feet up out of the water into the air. By massive, I mean that the historical megalodon of the real world is estimated to weigh 70 metric tons or 77 short tons. You can extrapolate that for the sci-fi monster yourself ;)

Even with temporary suspension of disbelief, the shark would be fatally injured once it hit the water on the return fall. But I digress. I would comment on the giant octopus, but it'd be a waste of time. You get my point. This is just garbage.

So crappy science aside, the movie plain sucked (understatement). Wooden acting, an Irish accent that's about as steady as the stock market, no character development, people behaving in ways that just would not happen in real life, repeating undersea stock footage... except of course when you wanted some footage of the mighty monsters for which this movie was titled.

And Lorenzo Lamas showed up to say "sharkzilla". That's just terrific.

Don't waste your time. I repeat: SAVE YOURSELF! DON'T WASTE YOUR TIME!

The Terminators (2009 Video)

If you value your time and intellect, stay away from this drivel

[1/10 · 15 August 2009]

And by drivel, I mean total crap.

It's finally happened... Sci-Fi Originals are better than this.

This baby is jam-packed with cruddy effects, terrible writing, and bland, poorly-developed actors who deliver awful lines. Overall, it's just a horrible waste of someone's thought residue strung together in film-form. It makes very little sense to anyone with half a brain, and it is a complete, total, and absolute waste of time. This load of salmonella-induced diarrhea isn't even worth the "fun factor" unless you're intoxicated with friends, and even then I imagine you can find something better to do.

Now to highlight my favorite steaming piles of cow-dung from this heap:

1. If this time and place has the technology to build space transports and robots that look like people that are pretty much indestructible, why are rusty old trains still in use? Why do the cars look like cars? Why is everything else the same as now... except regular folks can somehow afford super powerful androids to work for them?

2. Which brings me to my second point... So people can afford robots to do all their work for them, and yet the people seem to live in relative squalor. The surroundings of the town did not match the time frame in which they had a super cool space station with a tractor beam, space transports, etc.

3. Absurd physics. Period. (I will stop a speeding van with a pole. Ha ha!)

4. Let's say that I am part of an android sentience and want to kill all humans for whatever reason. Despite the fact that I have major technology at my disposal, my method of mass destruction is WALKING AROUND AND KILLING PEOPLE ONE BY ONE... BY HAND! You'd think androids-gone-sentient would know better and realize how inefficient of a process this is. Despite the fact that there is an estimated "hundreds of thousands" of them, I'm sure someone here is geeky enough to take into account the population of Los Angeles, estimate the average time it takes to slaughter a person, estimate the average time it takes to travel to another location and find another person (on foot, mind you), etc. The process would take years I'm sure.

Even better is that one of the androids was chasing a woman, who was deftly running away from him (it?). He had a gun, but instead of stopping and shooting her, he continued to chase her on foot... and subsequently lost her. This massacre of theirs, I believe, was poorly planned and even more poorly executed, especially when you take into account the technology at their disposal that was obviously not being used.

5. Another fine point of this ridiculous movie is that despite the amazing prowess of the androids, they are apparently very hard of hearing as they could not detect a woman breathing hard or crying only a few feet away or running away behind them. Whoever wrote this movie was brain-dead.

6. Speaking of brain-dead, here's a lesson for you: If shooting several bullets almost point blank into an android's face is ineffective, try hitting it with a pipe. That will also prove ineffective, but hey, why not?

7. Over and over again, it is clearly demonstrated that bullets don't do a darn thing against the robots. And yet, what do our morons keep doing? FIRING BULLETS AT THE ROBOTS! Idiots. And I mean the writers.

Don't bother with this ridiculously stupid piece of filth. Wait for some finer Asylum flicks such as "Transformer Robots", "Nights of the Living Dead People", or "Nightmare on Elm Boulevard".

Warbirds (2008 TV Movie)

This movie should start out with a suicide warning...

[1/10 · 8 August 2009]

I don't know where to start. Some sick part of me enjoys the self-torture of the Sci-Fi/SyFy Originals, but after this one, I don't know how long I can hold on. I have limited knowledge of WW2 (I sucked in history), but even I knew this stuff was made-up! The Japanese guys had an American truck, and somehow the American women knew how to fly Japanese planes? Come on. And somehow they were going to fix their big broken planes with junk from a mostly abandoned Japanese camp ripped apart by blue pterodactyls? To add insult to injury, I don't care how big the dino is... it can't fly as fast as a plane. While watching the movie, I didn't know the planes topped out at 300mph, but I knew it had to be faster than any flying animal! The worst insult to my intelligence was the "fact" that the pterodactyls were fearless in ripping through planes (literally), which had loud engines, whirling sharp propellers, and of course someone in them shooting giant bullets at the monsters... and yet the dinos were terrified at the sight of a torch. A TORCH. Come on.

I have literally read stories written by children in grade school with better and more well-planned plots than this. This Sci-Fi Original took its usual crap writing, crap acting, crap effects, and gigantic plot holes and somehow managed to make a mediocre movie even worse than usual. While watching this, I had the same feeling I get when I'm getting a cavity filled, thinking "God, how much longer is this going to go on?!" There is absolutely nothing redeemable about this movie, not one thing. There isn't any humor, any effect worth mentioning, nothing. It's completely worthless. If you see it on your schedule or think about renting it, do yourself a HUGE favor and just pass it by.

Sand Serpents (2009 TV Movie)

Basically "Tremors" in Afganistan

[4/10 · 11 July 2009]

First, an explosion woke the worms during a firefight between some American soldiers and the Taliban. Apparently there had never been explosions in the vicinity prior to that, there at the mine. Perhaps those worms were imports.

Second, you'll hate Andrews. You'll keep on hating Andrews and wishing him death as the others fall. Seriously, you'll find yourself saying, "God, why couldn't that have been Andrews?!" when Wilson gets killed. Don't worry, he gets his, but in a far less dramatic way than you'll have hoped.

Third, how can a gigantic worm snatch a Blackhawk helicopter perfectly out of the sky without getting injured by the blades? Seriously.

Fourth, they figure out the worms are attracted to sound and vibration. Apparently, someone has seen Tremors! They all climb into a hot-wired truck without checking if it's even fueled up or knowing if it can outrun the worm, but hey... Sci-Fi is Syfy. They even do the whole lobbing-grenades-from-the-back-of-the-truck stunt later in the flick (just like in Tremors). Good grief.

Fifth, the worm always has to come up out of the ground about 100 feet and arc down in a menacing way (in the same CGI manner might I add) and roar. Roar! Essentially over-sized earthworms (or dirt-snakes as my husband called them) have no need for vocal cords and certainly would not have developed them. And yet these babies have that pseudo-grizzly roar.

Sixth, would someone please make Andrews die?!

Seventh, there are just some irritating little tell-tale Sci-Fi things. For instance, when the group is back at the mine, a grenade flies through the window, explodes, blows shrapnel into Kaminsky (who falls to the floor screaming), and everyone scrambles. A few seconds later, the lieutenant sees fit to yell, "We're under attack!" Really? I doubt anyone had noticed...

Eighth, if the worms are indeed attracted to only sound and vibration, then why do they eat motionless bodies? This happened in the beginning with Asala's corpse and later when Kaminsky laid motionless while Stanley and Andrews were running away and yelling. The worm ate Kaminsky instead of going for the moving things causing vibrations. At least in Tremors, they stuck true to the fact that standing still wouldn't get them killed ;)

Ninth, what's with the kid? I know it's tough to find young actors, especially on the budget they must've had for this film... but COME ON! My cats have a scratching post with more personality that this girl exhibited! She sees her dad blow up and manages to shout a few times, but nary a tear was shed. Wow.

Tenth, the final scene is a dramatic one of self sacrifice for the greater good. However, I can't believe an American soldier would get onto a rescue helicopter wearing a suicide belt. If he thought the worm was going to actually come after them, he could've taken it with him and tossed it into the worm's gaping maw instead of hurling himself into it. It was just such a waste... but dramatic! All in all, this wasn't a total waste of time as most Sci Fi Originals are. The acting is so-so, there are some better attempts at character development (which still fall short), and the story isn't bad.... except it was done before. This is basically a rip-off of Tremors (which is a far better movie than this); they took that and dumped it in Afghanistan.

Summary: For a Sci Fi Original, it's not total crap and is actually watchable, especially if you have never seen Tremors.

Star Runners (2009 TV Movie)

If you're bedridden and can't change the channel, hope you have NyQuil...

[3/10 · 20 June 2009]

If you've seen Star Wars, Starship Troopers, The Fifth Element, then you've already seen all the parts of this movie. If you've seen a few Sci-Fi Channel Originals, then you've already had a taste of the bad and boring that this baby will bring to you, like brussel sprouts to a toddler.

My husband, who had not seen Starship Trooprs or The Fifth Element, was more entertained and said, "That wasn't as bad as their usual movies." I didn't have the heart to tell him that it was.

I will admit that the acting isn't *as bad* as a lot of the other Originals, but the script and the story (or rather, lack thereof) are.

The only way this one won't waste your time is if you are bedridden and you can't change the channel. Even then, pray for enough NyQuil to knock you out; there's not much here to miss.

Shark Attack 3: Megalodon (2002 Video)

This is THE best worst film I've ever watched

[1/10 · 23 May 2009]

For a B-movie, you'll be hard-pressed to find a worse cast, worse acting, worse repeating stock footage (some of which looks like it's from the 1960's), a worse lack of connection between the main characters, a worse meandering plot full of of inconsistencies... and the list goes on. Seriously, this movie is downright bad in every regard.

AND YET... you can't stop watching it. It's THAT GOOD (especially "The Line"). The entire movie is simply hilarious, mainly because it was never meant to be. They actually meant for this to be a serious flick about killing giant sharks with what look like bathtub toys. The entire thing is just downright laughable.

So get your pals together, cook up some popcorn, gather up your drinks of choice, and settle in for some entertainment like no other. Shark Attack 3 ROCKS!!!

Sea Beast (2008 TV Movie)

Super Fish (with arms and legs) = Super Fun.... If you're bored

[3/10 · 21 March 2009]

Overview: Paralytic-toxin-spitting, self-camouflaging monsters (ala "Predator") from the deep sea have come to shore and are killing people.

Troubles at sea, harbinger of death, and a mostly-invisible sea monster that spits a paralytic goo. Not bad, despite a start that seems slow due to wooden acting and what appears to be the setup for a pathetic, predictable storyline.... and it is.

The fact that the big monster has three young ones is a very cool twist, despite the questionable-par CGI renderings of the beasts. Of course the one guy who we know has seen them in the past is too terrified to talk, and apparently the town isn't fond of the ol' Corin Nemic wildly shooting at "nothing" on the beach. And of course the only other person who saw the thing AND HAS A PICTURE OF IT is too busy screwing around to do anything with it. Idiocy. Any person of average intelligence or higher would have that picture to the local authorities and/or to the news. Instead, he doesn't treat his quickly-infectious wound and goes back outside to where he saw a creature not of this *land* to where maybe he'll get chomped too. The brilliance of the script continues to unfold.

So here's the thing: I understand this is sci-fi, but come on! How do monsters *from the deep* now suddenly have arms and legs and become amazingly adept at hunting on land. Not only that, but they can run, leap, and alter their extremely interesting camouflage to their new surroundings without any problem whatsoever. Most cameo-critters require objects in their immediate vicinity to which to adapt themselves, yet our land-fish-monsters can openly leap through the air or walk on the beach and remain unseen. Although the Predator needed highly advanced alien technology to pull this off, apparently the deep sea and some quick evolution helped these guys out.

About an hour and fifteen minutes into it, things just turn more stupid. Suddenly every monster gathers at the island cabin, and three babies turn into about ten. Then, when finally all is quiet, the young couple leaves the safety of their room. More brilliant ideas from whoever wrote this movie. ("Hey, it's safe here... let's LEAVE!") In the last half hour (including commercials), the big momma(?) monster of course knows exactly where the human "kids" are. Why wouldn't it? Everything else in this flick defies logic, reason, and even pseudo-science. They might as well be psychic too. Suddenly it becomes a good idea to find a safe, secure room. Shocking. Of course the guy won't stay there. Safety=bad for males.

The big twist here is that the ship happens to contain the gigantic nest of the land-fish-monster. This now suddenly explains why there are so many of them. This, however, does not explain why they haven't been a problem until right now. You'd think that these monsters, in these numbers, would be consuming entire towns by now. But I digress...

Everything gets tied up nicely and neatly at the end with Daddy saved and all, despite being at ground zero in a large gas explosion. He didn't even lose his hair! We don't have the obligatory Sci-Fi ending kiss due to the boyfriend having been horribly slaughtered, but they need to mix it up now and then. It's all smiles and lack of bloody appendages here as the captain sails off to find his bounty once again.

Splinter (I) (2008)

If you're watching this on Sci-Fi, it's WAY better than their usual stuff!

[8/10 · 14 February 2009]

I base this 8 out of 10 on the scale for 'B' movies.

"Maybe this one won't be as bad as usual" said my husband after he said that one of the executive producers was Mark Cuban, owner of the Dallas Mavericks. Since he's a gazillionaire, maybe he poured some big bucks into this endeavor.

"Probably not" was my reply.... but I ended up being wrong! We saw this movie on the Sci-Fi Channel, and it was surprisingly good albeit somewhat gory in the short bursts that tend to stick with you for a bit. If you're not a hardcore horror fan, you'll definitely be wincing a lot in this one.

CONS: In the beginning, the attendant is attacked by what looks like a rabid puppy. Even if you had a p***** off Yorkie on your ankle, I am astonished at the number of times there is a complete inability of people in flicks to just simply get up. Get up and kick the thing! Alright, it's Sci-Fi, but still... I imagined there'd be more of a struggle.

Which brings me to my next point (which you may or may not find moot): where did this nutty splinter mold/spore/flesh-eating thing come from anyway? I know a lot of films don't even try to answer the question; they just start with the premise that it's there, and the flick is about survival. It's just somewhat intriguing and could've had some more in-depth conjecture, especially from botany-boy there.

The shaking camera. I know it's probably for the effect of the film, but it's downright irritating for us regular folk. Although it was annoying, it did not detract much from the overall experience of the movie.

The lack of police support. If an office showed up at a gas station, called in something on the CB, and then never followed up with a call or didn't show up back at the station; I think it's safe to say that SOMEONE would eventually show up. Nobody did, and that was odd, not to mention that nobody else stopped for gas or goodies all night long!

PROS: For what I presume is a low-budget, 'B' movie, this endeavor was great! We've seen SO MANY bad films lately, we thought there was no hope. The acting was solid, the writing wasn't bad, the monster was downright scary without the laughable annoyance of the usual low-budget CGI creations, and the storyline worked quite well without too many of those moments in horror films where you scream at TV because the actors are so stupid (like when they get into a car to try to escape but leave the door open when trying to start it... only to get eaten by a dinosaur or something). There were elements of reality and common sense here, all the way down to the crude severing of the convict's arm. It was the logical conclusion, and someone in most groups would probably step up to the plate to do it. I liked the actualism here.

Overall, this is something you can watch or rent and not feel like you just wasted an hour and a half of your life afterward. I don't typically like gory movies, and I admit to "casually averting my eyes" for some of the scenes. That said, I still enjoyed this little gem in the typical B-movie cess pool. Hopefully we'll see the main actors again in bigger roles in more mainstream films.

Journey to the Center of the Earth (2008 Video)

SAVE YOURSELF and go do dishes instead of watching this

[1/10 · 7 February 2009]

OMG who pieced this pile of dung together? My husband and I make a practice of watching these awful SCI-FI movies for comic relief, and this was one of the worst (most laughable) yet. I understand this is science fiction, but goes way beyond believable. First of all, that group of "soldiers" acts more like a bunch of sorority chicks throughout the entire movie than a military unit. Second, my hand-held GPS loses signal when I go into a parking garage... how does their radio manage to work 600 kilometers underground? Third, I've seen foreign cartoons with better voice-overs than this. Fourth, the scientist lady says she can't fit 6 folks in her drilling unit, but it looks like she has room for 10! There are holes in this movie a mile wide. Or maybe just one big hole 600 kilometers deep...

Don't make the mistake of getting this instead of the Branden Fraser version. I don't know how these people got away with making this cruddy flick with the same name about the same thing in such a horrible way. It's basically one step up from you filming plastic dinosaurs and Barbie dolls in your yard with a camcorder. In fact, that'd probably be more interesting!

Cyclops (2008 TV Movie)

Another great background noise film for cooking or cleaning

[3/10 · 6 December 2008]

This is the perfect movie if you've got something else to do such as cooking, cleaning, grooming your pets, or weatherproofing the windows. That's what brings it up to a 3. If you sit down to watch it for the sake of watching it, expect to be sorely disappointed.

The beginning: If you saw a giant monster, would you just stand there? No, but these guys do. Unbelievable.

The first battle is absolutely moronic. Why would they rush the monster when they had archers? When they saw their fellow soldiers dropping, why didn't they bother using the archers? Did I mention the archers? When they finally did use the archers... why did they suck? And when did they have time to dig that giant cyclops-sized pit? And when they finally did capture the cyclops, how did they manage to shackle it and get it out of the pit when -- prior to this -- anyone getting close to the monster got crushed and/or eaten? I'd also like to point out that while the Romans did indeed use whistles, they were shaped more like dog whistles, not our modern coach or safety whistles.

Also, the phrase to "take with a pinch of salt" has been in use only since the 17th century. It was not in use in ancient Rome.

Now let's discuss the cyclops itself. Odysseus had a run-in with the cyclops. Assuming that was somewhere around the time of the Trojan War, roughly 1194-1184BC, that's very far off from the reign of Tiberius which lasted from 14 to 37 AD. But if you look up anything about Tiberius, none of the movie is correct, especially about the Marcus uprising and the emperor being slain by a cyclops (obviously). Sci-fi. I get it.

This movie starts out very bad and very cheesy. The first hour is basically the cyclops killing people, getting caught, getting loose, killing people, getting caught again, and eating more people parts in between. Toss in some political back-stabbing and a slave uprising, and jump right into the colosseum. Some low-budget slaughter, the bad guys die, the end.

Did anyone else find it ironic that Marcus shouted "Look out!" to the cyclops right before he got a spear through the eye?

That's terrible ;)

Yeti: Curse of the Snow Demon (2008 TV Movie)

High Levels of Stupidity From "Yeti"

[1/10 · 8 November 2008]

Hmmm, a sports team is in a plane crash, gets stranded on a snowy mountain, and is faced with the difficult decision to eat the flesh of their dead companions in order to survive. Sound familiar anyone? I refer to "Alive" from 1993. The only major difference here, of course, is that a big, white, drunken scare crow of a Yeti shows up a few times to drag off the dead. I guess humans taste better than yaks.

Stupid: The man in the first scene does not have a reliable firearm when hunting the Yeti, nor does he have a backup.

The plane crash is completely bogus. It would have either exploded in the air, exploded when it hit the ground, or become obliterated. The people would not have survived, but hey, it's sci-fi.

Stupid: They survived, and they are cold. It might be a good idea to harness some of the burning debris nearby so as not to freeze to death. Fire being warm as it is...

WTF: The pilot has frost formed all over his face while he's alive and talking, but oddly enough, no one else does.

Stupid: One of the guys tells the others to look for matches and lighters, but there are scattered parts of the plane ON FIRE all around them.

Stupid: They find coats and hoodies, and yet there in the cold of the Himalayas, they fail to use the hoods!

Stupid: They're staring at a pile of sticks when, I reiterate, there are pieces of the plane ALREADY BURNING.

Stupid: The Himalayas are notorious for its storms. It would be common sense for them to collect the debris in order to reinforce their structure rather than sitting outside bickering. There are a lot of pine trees around, the branches of which make excellent insulation.

WTF: When in doubt, use a dead man's arm as a splint.

WTF: If the one guy knows so much about the hibernation habits of squirrels, bears, and leopards in the Himalayas, then why doesn't he know enough to make shelter and set traps right from the start?

Stupid: When attempting to trap wild animals, mindless conversation in the vicinity of said trap always helps.

WTF: Do you know how hard it would be to cut a frozen corpse with a shard of glass?!

WTF: The group was ready and armed to fight the Yeti while the other two were standing there defenseless. The Yeti ripped out the guy's heart and stomped the girl's head, and the gang did nothing. There's love.

So two Yetis and a convenient avalanche to bury the evidence forever.... or so we think. Mwuhahahaa! The story continues into more idiocy but the most action occurs in the last 15 minutes, as usual. Nice thinking with the javelin and the chain, although this is some ingenuity (with the magically-appearing chain) that they lacked in the beginning of the movie when they couldn't even make fire despite the fact that it was all around them.

As is typical for the Sci-Fi Originals, the loving couple kisses at the end like nothing horrible has just happened to them (not to mention they ate human flesh and haven't brushed their teeth in several days).

The very end, however, is quote lame.

The NeverEnding Story III (1994)

Sequels are usually worse, but this is just TERRIBLE

[2/10 · 1 November 2008]

This movie is AWFUL. It can't be stated more clearly than that.

Like many others, the first Neverending Story movie was a much-loved, magical part of my childhood. The second one wasn't so great, and I didn't see the third one until today.

Children tend to remember things bigger and more grand than they actually were, so maybe that's what happened. But I don't recall Falcor being so... ditsy. Honestly, do they have to water him twice a week? All the characters are just plain hokey. I remember the rock monsters being proud, huge, and majestic. After seeing the grumbly rendition of "Born To Be Wild" on a Flintstone-esquire motorcycle, I really wanted to turn it off. The movie, at the point, was more painful than my kidney stone.

I found this movie to be without much purpose, without much of a solid story, and without intelligent characters. The humor is lame and stupid, too banal for even kids. What a sore disappointment that killed some of the magic 23 years after it started. How sad...

NYC: Tornado Terror (2008 TV Movie)

Another Sci-Fi Original Piece of Boredom

[4/10 · 4 October 2008]

Some of these actors are rather well-known, so I was quite surprised that this movie still managed to suck so badly.

Writing: sucked. Acting: meh. Story: meh. Effects: royally sucked. Physics: total b.s. Believability: really sucked (even for science fiction).

Having already gone through this at Intuitor's Bad Movie Physics site with "The Day After Tomorrow", it's already been proved that these weather phenomena cannot occur. Yes, I grant that this is sci-fi, but still... it's crap.

Let me sum this up for you: Oh my God, the weather is going bonkers and threatening to kill us all. The scientists have all the answers but no power or money. The bureaucrats have all the power, connections, and money but don't believe the scientists. Toss in a few lovey-dovey relationships, some untimely deaths, enough scientific facts to fool the kiddos... and you've got yourself another destructo-movie.

It's dull and a waste of time unless you're cooking, cleaning, or doing some other activity that requires mindless background noise (which is sort of the Sci-Fi Original Viewing Rule I think...) I am giving this 4 because it's actually a bit more watchable than most of their drivel.

Vipers (2008 TV Movie)

I Want Those Two Hours Of My Life Back!

[1/10 · 21 September 2008]

I was utterly shocked about how bad this movie was. The all-around stupidity of it is just flooring. The first hour is basically a soap opera with some absolutely unrealistic death-by-snake scenes injected into the various subplots of who is sleeping with whom and who is mourning whom, blah blah blah. The deaths are totally unbelievable because the snakes jump, fly, scream, and devour human bodies in mere minutes. Granted, they are genetically engineered, but COME ON! Combine that with a mindless script, terrible acting, and bloopers such as no snakes on a bridge followed by dozens of snakes on the bridge a few seconds later... and you've got yourself one heck of a loser flick. Another shining example of the human ingenuity here is when the survivors are all holed up in the "hotel" (which looks more like a restaurant), and they've had quite a bit of time to fortify their location. However, everyone overlooked the gap between the floor and the bottom of the door, through which several bad CGI snakes strike before someone gets the bright idea of plugging it up. Brilliant.

I must admit to chuckling at the howling death screams of the snakes. That fact, however, does not in any way restore this film to a rating higher than 1. And poor Don S. Davis... why? Why? Why would you be part of this rubbish??? I guess I'm just tired of these motherf------ snakes in this motherf------ film! ;)

Ba'al (2008 TV Movie)

Complete Lack of Substance

[2/10 · 20 September 2008]

This movie can be summed up by one word: "blah". It wasn't good, and it wasn't really bad. It just *wasn't*. I was hoping for another laughable Sci-Fi Original; some terrible script, some sad predictable plot, some poorly delivered lines, some poor acting.... but there's none of this. It's just "blah" all around.

In this film, you won't find much of a story. There really isn't a plot, just some very vague good-vs-evil. There's a lot of running around, and the whole movie is one big exercise in boredom. It doesn't even have the humor of a so-bad-it's-good flick.

So don't bother. Just go rent Carnosaur instead ;)

Dark Storm (2006 TV Movie)

Complete drivel

[1/10 · 13 September 2008]

Here are some things that are a better use of your time than watching this film:

Cleaning the toilet with a toothbrush.... Reciting Neil Diamond lyrics.... Vaccuuming your entire home twice.... Watching dust collect on your coffee table.... Sitting at your doctor's waiting room just for practice.... Calling an elderly female relative.... Listening to static on your radio.... Watching flies mate.... Doing any paper mache project.... Blowing bubbles.

I admit that I could not watch this one to the end, and I've made it all the way through some really bad Sci Fi Originals. This one lacks substance at every turn, with characters having about as much personality as a doorknob. It made little sense to me, not because of a complicated storyline, but because I could not bear to pay much attention to it. This film is brutal in its boredom, and you would be wise to stay away!

Flu Bird Horror (2008 TV Movie)

Things I learned from Flu Bird Horror

[2/10 · 13 September 2008]

Just use fishing as an excuse for anything.

If you hear a roar in the woods and your friend is standing about three feet from you, it is prudent to ask, "Did you hear that?"

If you are carrying a shotgun when a large bird-like creature swoops down and starts chewing on your pal, show him what friends are really for and run like hell.

If you are blind-folded when playing a stupid camp game, make sure you wander deep into the woods and way out of earshot of help before removing your blindfold.

If giant flying dinosaur-like creatures attack your camp, run for cover in a nylon tent, especially if you just watched them peck the counselor to death.

Delinquents are always more resourceful than armed people and the authorities.

Nothing brings people together like a group smoke.

Standing by and watching while people you know get eaten by monsters is never fruitful.

When on the run from flying, mutated bird monsters, you can always find time to stop and make out in the woods.

Apparently beating the hell out of equipment you perceive to be faulty won't fix it after all.

Two delinquents with shotguns are more effective at shooting monsters than heavily-armed, highly-trained military personnel.

If you are with a group of people, most of whom have guns, be sure not to fire at a monster that is essentially at point blank range in your car window.

We will never know where the bird monsters came from.

We will never truly know if all of them were destroyed.

We will never know if the strain that went air-born at the hospital got out.

We will never know what eventually happens to our heroes.

But all in all, "people can change."

Monster Ark (2008 TV Movie)

Things I Learned From Monster Ark

[5/10 · 9 August 2008]

1. A petrified ship can exist in one of the oldest countries on earth but remain undiscovered until an American scientist decides to waltz through the area. Then it will be found in about 10 minutes.

2. Guns are highly ineffective against an evil monster that pre-dates humanity, but keep shooting anyway.

3. An American man with super-slick hair runs the oldest secret society on earth.

4. If you're in a situation where death is most certain, just pray to God to not let you die that way. You will then be magically whisked out of danger, especially if you are a non-believer.

5. If you have faith in God, it is not necessary to have faith in humans, most notably your ex-spouse. You are free to be a mean, sarcastic, jealous, angry person.

6. A wooden box can remain perfectly intact after being buried for millenia, even when centuries of that time is under water.

7. If you accidentally let a timeless demon loose, a curly-haired Bulgarian will drop in to help save the day.

8. The person of the least amount of faith will prove to be the most useful in battles of good versus evil.

9. Xena's former sidekick is really a b - - - -.

10. Iraq is "the most dangerous place on the planet." Apparently, it beats out the Amazon, the Congo, the Outback, Antarctica, and that place where "Deadliest Catch" is filmed.

11. Capturing an ancient evil monster is grounds for automatic induction into a secret society. No background checks are required.

12. ALWAYS instruct the military on how to run its operations, especially when they have all the knowledge, experience, equipment, and weapons... and you're just a sniveling lab jockey.

13. The legends are always true.

14. An ancient staff is usually involved in saving the world (which you can have as a keepsake if you're successful)

15. If you find a big old wooden box in the desert, don't open it.

Dragon Wars: D-War (2007)

If only this movie had stopped after the opening credits.

[1/10 · 2 August 2008]

Someone asked, "Is D-WAR really as bad as everyone says it is?" Yes. Yes, it is.

The fact that I saw this on the Sci-Fi channel was a red flag in itself, but I figured why not? Although just about everything on Sci-Fi is questionable, dragons are cool... Could it really be so bad? Yes. Yes it can.

"To protect the universe or destroy the world" is the ever-so-ominous warning at the start of the film, so we're made aware of the fact that we're in for a good one. And by good, I mean bad.

There is a meandering yet somewhat confusing re-telling of a Korean tale which apparently sparked the genius behind this film. I have an IQ of 150, and I really wasn't sure exactly what all that meant. Basically, it's a very original plot: good versus evil. The ancient battle, however, goes way beyond mythology by using creatures that never lived and firepower that could not have existed at that time in history, not to mention evil soldiers that grunt like sick livestock. It may be sci-fi, but it was off to a bad start.

At 19 minutes into the film (including commercials), I was sorely tempted to turn it off. With acting so bad that it makes high school musicals seem like gems and a storyline full of gaping holes (at 19 minutes!), one wonders why anyone would bother wasting his/her time with it.

Summary of the pawn shop: "Oh, hello little American boy. You are the incarnation of a warrior I raised, and you'll save the world someday. Is that okay with you?" I did find it amusing that Sarah referred to Korean writings on yellow construction paper as "the only things that can protect" her. And yet she decided to leave the safety of her new décor to go out for a few beers with pals. WHY? Then walk home alone at night in Los Angeles. WHY? So I didn't turn it off, if only to find out how bad this movie would truly be. WHY?! I must admit, however, that the CGI is rather impressive. That being said, what a gigantic waste of good effects on such a very crappy movie! The old woman trying to walk through the fence. The homeless guy yelling "bum!" at a car that splashed mud on him. These are just two examples of completely useless entries in this movie that have nothing to do with anything and provide no purpose, not even humor at this point. The only useless but funny parts were the scenes with the zoo security guard.

Do not forget a very important point presented here: Doctors will always take reporters to see anyone they want, especially if the patient is under quarantine.

Another good point: If anyone tells you *not* to take the stairs and *do* take the elevator in the event of an emergency (especially an apparent earthquake), BEWARE! Question: how the hell would the DOD know that the snake is after Sarah Daniels? Honestly. It's just not remotely plausible.

And, perhaps the biggest question of them all: At what point did the dark army find time to construct their city of evil? All the Mordor references are right on! As usual, all is well, the world is saved, and love carries on. Regardless, this film is now on par with my other #1 crappiest film, Carnosaur II. Thank you, D-War.