bainz Reviews

The Northman (2022)

go watch King Arthur: Legend of the Sword ... much more enjoyable

[5/10 · 17 December 2022]

This movie brings nothing new to the table frankly ... too long and pretty dull. Too many dudes yelling trying to capture that "300" energy but it falls flat and was pretty cringe i must say.

It was nicely shot, good cinematography, solid soundtrack, solid acting - although i wasn't buying the protagonists love interests accent lol.

Anyways go watch the Guy Richie flick King Arthur: Legend of the Sword instead. That movie was actually fun.

This one was a snooze fest. Too bad, i enjoyed Robert Eggers other medieval style flick, The Witch, but wasn't a fan of The Lighthouse though. To me he's a bit hit or miss.

Aziz Ansari: Intimate Moments for a Sensual Evening (2010 TV Special)

just watched this again

[9/10 · 20 April 2022]

This special wholes up really well over the years - i think it's his best special and its just as funny after all these years. He's got his own style of story telling that i find hilarious.

Last Looks (I) (2021)

pretty damn good

[7/10 · 27 December 2021]

I don't write many reviews so when I do the movie has to be really good (or really, really bad). This movies is funny, witty and keeps you guessing. Solid acting all around, not too long and had some quirky characters to keeps things interesting. Definitely one of the better movies I've seen this year. You could say this type of film has been made before and you're probably right - but it's unique and entertaining enough for me to easily recommend it.

Evil Dead (2013)

Look at these ED 1/2 crybaby fanboys giving this 1/10 ... this movie was nuts!

[9/10 · 18 April 2021]

OK fanboys, yes it's quite the departure from the style/feel/atmosphere of the originals, but damn this movie was awesome in its own right.

I bet if it didn't have the ED name, it would be ranked even higher then 6.5 - which is amazing for a horror film. It pulls you in from the very start and doesn't let up. If you are looking for a "slow burn" look elsewhere - this movie is relentless. I've watched it a few times now - it holds up very well.

Ignore the bad reviews, throw out expectations based on ED 1 & 2 and you will enjoy this film.

The Gentlemen (2019)

one of the best films of 2019

[9/10 · 28 September 2020]

Honestly there are very few films that were better than this in 2019 - there was so much garbage released this year.

I'm not saying this is Guy Ritchie's best work, but it's damn respectable. He has managed to assemble an all-star cast and they all delivered in stellar fashion. I really haven't watched too many Hugh Grant films, but he was great in this.

Great plot, great acting, bits of humor throughout. It's a Guy Ritchie films, so you know what your going to get - and it delivers.

Burning (2018)

57 wins & 141 nominations ... for what LMAO

[2/10 · 27 September 2020]

Look - i watch a lot of movies - I can only handle so many "slow burns". Save yourself 2.5 hours ... just another pretentious film - extremely dull and pointless with probably 15 scenes that could have been snipped out. Look at all these shills giving it a 10/10 - what a joke.

Look I don't even care if these movie is like a metaphor for something - wait I'd actually rather read a 2 sentence paragraph about the metaphor or hidden meaning or whatever than actually watch this movie. Awful.

Tom Papa: You're Doing Great! (2020 TV Special)

only funny thing was the cat story ... THATS IT

[3/10 · 12 April 2020]

Not funny ... but i stuck with it ... the cat story was actually pretty hilarious. Overall this is a waste of time. I don't know how this guy is a comedian

In the Tall Grass (2019)

if you are a seasoned horror / thriller veteran - avoid this unless you have trouble sleeping

[3/10 · 13 March 2020]

Just another cheaply made netflix movie. poor pacing, poor plot, cliche AF, boring chase scenes, predictable jump scares. Don't say I didn't warn you. I know I'm being hard on netflix but it's been ages since an original netflix film wasn't just recycled plots or just BORING.

Come to Daddy (2019)

what a waste of time

[3/10 · 8 March 2020]

Funny? no. gruesome? yes. boring? yes. worth watching? hell NO. this movie has poor writing, really poor pacing and a poor plot. starts off painfully slowly, but picks up the 2nd half. the movie has cliche plot twists and is ultimately meaningless. I wouldn't even want to watch it as a "brain off" fun movie - it's just bad.

Joker (I) (2019)

blah blah something something "don't believe the hype" something something

[8/10 · 4 December 2019]

Ya - I'm another one of the "don't believe the hype" type dudes. Hell I waited for all the hype to die down before I watched it. Coming from a guy who has really fallen off the super hero movie bandwagon years ago - this movie is something else! Joaquin - easily actor of the year - NO CONTEST. A breathe of fresh air into a saturated, tired genre.

Roma (2018)

i got a movie much better than this in mind cinematography and a plot

[2/10 · 22 July 2019]

This movie is such a waste of time - literally nothing happens - except for "beautiful scenes" in black in and white - what a load of garbage. You want a movie with better cinematography and a good plot? go watch Road to Perdition with Tom Hanks, Paul Newman, Judd Law and Daniel Craig.

Leprechaun Returns (2018)

leprechaun stompin' on these mumble rappers

[7/10 · 1 January 2019]

Surprisingly good. I've only seen one of the older flicks - I'm just a casual. The breakdown: low key hilarious at times (his laugh is contagious), pretty gory and lastly ... leprechaun was droppin' some serious lyrics - mumble rappers take note! You can say it was cheesy, complain about the special effects (passable though) or whatever else .... but it definitely wasn't boring - sit back, have a beer and enjoy.

Coraline (2009)

grossly overrated

[4/10 · 2 October 2017]

I'm not sure if people were just awe of the art style or what but this movie was quite boring. Sure the "look" of the film is quite unique but it has been done before - with better stories. I'm assuming this movie was geared toward younger audiences as I found myself nodding off a few times. This flick is style over substance IMHO.

Cop Car (2015)

Quirky 'n' Cute film

[7/10 · 16 August 2015]

If you like the quirkiness of films like Fargo or Blue Ruin you will enjoy this film. I found the 2 kids to be absolutely adorable and at times hilarious.

There's not really much to the plot but it actually works for a film like this. The cinematography and music are excellent and really captures the small town feel of the film.

Solid acting all around especially by Kevin Bacon. There are quite a few unbelievable/illogical moments in the film but to me they are forgivable.

Original, quirky, beautiful, funny and crazy. Loved it.

The Scopia Effect (2014)

2 hours of random flashbacks

[3/10 · 18 May 2015]

If you enjoy random nonsensical flashbacks from different eras for 2 hours, sandwiched in between scenes of a lady screaming and acting crazy...maybe this movie is for you.

I'm not even joking, this is what happens over the course of 2 hours...the "payoff" at the end wasn't worth the time. Picturesque scenes and sappy moments don't automatically provoke emotion - which was clearly the goal here as the plot was non-existent.

Well, at least it's not 3 hours like Cloud Atlas. A movie along similar lines which is much better would be "The Fountain", directed by Darren Aronofsky, starring Hugh Jackman.