obscurecinema Reviews

Blood Night: The Legend of Mary Hatchet (2009)

rudderless snooze fest

[1/10 · 26 October 2009]

Just caught this at a special screening in NYC. I was excited to be a part of this very intimate show. This film had all the makings of an effective boiler-plate horror flick: Ghosts, murderous town history, sex, insane asylums... How could it possibly go wrong, right?

Well, for starters it was terminally boring and terribly executed. Amateur is a perfect adjective to describe it. There are ZERO scares or even minor cheap thrills. The direction sucked out any life this movie could have had. Danielle Harris should fire her agent.

Honestly, I really really wanted to like this movie - but it offered nothing.

The gore was awfully phony. No direct contact shots, only reactions by bored and untalented actors followed by shots of prop heads being cut in half. Again, amateur.

Ugh, and the score... I'm speechless.

I can even forgive a lot of this if only there was something, anything to grab onto. Unfortunately there was nothing of value in what seemed like the longest 90 minutes ever. Too bad.

Quick note: Where does a girl raised in an insane asylum get fake breasts? (HA!!)

Pineapple Express (2008)

Oddly amusing at first, although I do not know why.

[5/10 · 1 March 2009]

I cannot quite put my finger on why I laughed at certain points, or why I felt it went off the rails and devolved into something remarkably unfunny. Although, I do know at what point my favor turned...

It started off funny enough. The big hairy guy plays a process server who really gets into his job of serving people legal papers. Then, it gets mildly thrilling and adds some graphic violence that is shocking for a comedy, but oddly exactly what the film needed.

Then, at one point, the camera lingers on the two villains after the scene "ends" and they obviously start to "improv" and they break character completely. I expect that sort of masturbatory silliness on the Extended Version, but this was the Theatrical Version! From that moment on I was taken from the movie's reality and brought back to my couch where, not stoned, I finished watching with mild interest.

Windcroft (2007)

Apparently, they still do make movies like this

[8/10 · 28 December 2008]

This is an old-school thriller at heart. Deliberate pacing, proper character development and a solid, straight-forward plot that I could really sink my teeth into. At times I felt like I was watching an old noir thriller, but with very modern themes.

Very modern, in fact. This film turned into a horror film in the last act, which was great. I never saw the turns coming in this one and I'm grateful for the surprises. All the actors brought the movie home for me and I believed it from the first scene.

I don't know where you can see this, it was a one-night screening in NYC last month. Maybe its playing other cities now, or its on DVD.

Gone Baby Gone (2007)

Its heart was in the right place, but...

[6/10 · 28 December 2008]

...overall this one missed the mark.

What I really liked about it was the richness of the neighborhood in which it was filmed. The characters, the locations, the dialog/dialects. All very, very realistic.

What I couldn't get on board with was the story, which started out fine enough, but then devolved into this pseudo-noir with bad plot development and a silly, righteous ending that ticked me off. Case Affleck was a tough swallow for a tough guy. And I feel he was held back in his his acting by his director brother - who, i feel, held on too tight to this one.

Overall, it felt forced and I wouldn't recommend it.

The Bourne Ultimatum (2007)

Roller-coaster ride? Maybe... It did make me sick!

[6/10 · 2 January 2008]

I seem to remember liking the 1st two Bourne films... If my memory serves me correctly they were exciting, well acted and directed and were a breath of fresh air in an otherwise suffocatingly stale Spy Movie genre. When the third Bourne film came to town, I was amped.

But, what I was not ready for was 2 hours of the most nauseating camera work I have ever seen. Seriously, this was WAY TOO MUCH. It was ridiculously over shot. Some of the fight scenes looked sooooo great (for the 3 seconds where I could make out what was happening). The chase scenes were almost ballet-beautiful (for the 3 seconds where I could make out what was happening). But all the potentially wonderful things this film had to offer were all drowned in a raging sea, the likes of which brought about a sickness a box of Dramamine would not have quelled.

Where the other films like this? I don't remember them causing such an illness in my head and gut. I am afraid to revisit them now for fear they are as equally hard to watch. I don't want the whole franchise I once enjoyed to be ruined by this final act.

Eastern Promises (2007)

Mainstream Cronenberg and the Art of Want

[9/10 · 20 December 2007]

I am a huge fan of David Cronenberg. There are no other film makers out there who deserve the recognition he is finally getting. After years of making brilliant contemporary Sc-Fi films under, over and between the radar, the mainstream press has finally caught on, and the big studios have finally given this artist the backing he has needed for years.

Now, "Eastern Promises" I felt is not superior to the previous "A History of Violence," but it is STILL BETTER than most of the other drivel the major studios are shoving down the collective public gullet. It shows how beautiful the horrible can be, and (unlike the films of his more notable peers) can captivate so completely that the only real disappointment when exiting the theater is that the film is over.

The real success of this film is that my only criticism is that I wanted more.

The Descent (2005)

Gripping tension from start to finish.

[8/10 · 24 November 2007]

What made this film so effective was not the creepy-crawlers lurking in the dark, but how even BEFORE that, I squirmed in my seat at broken bones, tight spaces and personal demons. It became "Could this really get worse for them?" and then... BAM! The horror really begins. This was a tightly crafted thriller from beginning to end.

That fact that I was on the edge of my seat long before the monsters arrived is a testament to how this film really is above and beyond the other contemporary horror thats out there right now. The dubiously named "Splat Pack" should take some notes while watching this one. (They are probably all ripping this film off as we speak!)

Sure, the acting may not have been award-winning by any means, but I cared about and believed all the characters and the UNCUT ending makes for some realistic and daring storytelling.

This is an absolute MUST SEE for all horror fans, and even those who like thrillers, but not the gore... I think they can handle this just fine and be all the better for it.

Murder-Set-Pieces (2004)

No matter how hard this tries...

[1/10 · 19 November 2007]

...it will NEVER BE a Dario Argento film!!!! This was the most blatant, vain attempt at trying to throw a piece of junk into the canon of Italian Horror Cinema. This Palumbo fellow had better wake up and realize he's no Bava and never will be. Not at this rate, anyway. This kind of movie doesn't even rank alongside exploitation films. This is bottom of the barrel stuff, made for preteens who are watching their mommy's cable with their sleepover buddies. Anyone over the age of 12 is advised to steer clear! It was so bad, I don't even want to say I hated it. That is giving it too much credit. It honestly just doesn't even register as anything but a waste of time.

The main actor should ask for a refund from his English as a Fourth Language course. The girls aren't pretty, and the cameraman... Dear God! How can someone make 35mm look like video???? I didn't think it was possible, but "MSP" is a sad example.

The 1 star is for some of the gore. If it was lit properly, it would looked better.

In fact, I feel sick for even MENTIONING Argento and Bava in the same breath as this vacant hole...

The Hamiltons (2006)

An attempt was made...

[5/10 · 19 November 2007]

...and though it fell short of numerous possible reaches, I will still give it credit for trying.

Basically, this is a poorly executed attempt at redefining a currently stale genre. The 5 stars are for the effort, and ONLY the effort. (And I am being very generous.) If I based this review strictly on the acting, cinematography, set design, script and directing, I may have had to rate it somewhere in the depths of "Wrong Turn 2" territory. But, because it had what the most other genre films lack, it rates higher in the grand scheme of things. It offers more to an intelligent viewer than slice 'em and dice 'em nonsense.

When all is said and done, though, if you're interested in this "8 Films to Die For" series, I recommend the more-bang-for-your-buck "The Abandoned," over this.

Ratatouille (2007)

Pixar at their finest.

[8/10 · 14 November 2007]

Not only was the animation itself groundbreaking, but finally the complexity of the characters has caught up with the medium. I cared and believed in each and every character, and was completely swept away by the story. (The only Brad Bird film I think had better characterization was Iron Giant, but I doubt we'll ever see another masterpiece like that. Which is why I only gave this film 8 stars... I felt that the 2D cell animation used in IG gave the film a life that RAT lacked.)

That being said, RAT had me captivated for it's entirety. There were just enough adult themes, rich performances and flashes of comedic brilliance to satisfy people of all ages. It a crossover blessing... Also, Patton Oswalt was at the top of his game with a touching and believable performance that also had me howling with laughter. (I cannot respect Pixar more than I do now for taking a chance on a non-A lister for this role.)

For what its worth, I recommend this film to anyone and everyone.

30 Days of Night (2007)

What a waste!

[4/10 · 13 November 2007]

I have been looking forward to this film for months, and I could not have been more disappointed by the final product. BoooooooooooRING! How could such a wonderful premise be so sadly mishandled? Who is to blame for this? There were some genuine scares in the beginning, and some fabulous brutality, but then the dragging sets in and doesn't let up until the credits roll.

Danny Huston.... What happened? BEN FOSTER.... What HAPPENED?? These talented individuals PHONED. IT. IN. PERIOD. What a shame. I am still waiting for a vampire film that gives me someone and someTHING to care about. Why must all modern vampires be straight out of GQ? The whole genre has become a parody of itself.

Is there anyone in Hollywood even BREATHING?

Hostel: Part II (2007)

Is this really what the people want?

[3/10 · 13 November 2007]

More torture porn. Is anyone else tired of this tripe? I'll toss kudos to the director for at least giving us an entertaining 80's throwback in the first HOSTEL, (and dare I say even a message, of sorts??), but now we're into lazy SAW territory.

Is this what the kids are into these days? Where are the characters? Where is the suspense? Where is my $1.50 rental fee? Well, the buck fifty was at least worth the few genuine laughs scattered throughout. If only I didn't have to sit through the rest. (And by HAVE TO, I mean: I cannot turn a film off once it starts... A blessing, and a curse).

In all seriousness, I'm really bored with this wave of the genre, and HOSTEL II just cemented my feelings into fact. Its over.