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Swallow (2019)
Hypocritical Message
Hunter is faced with very real, very common predicaments. She is both neglected and micromanaged. When one of her husband's drunk friends flirtatiously asks for a hug, she at first refuses. But then he tells her he's lonely. Sympathizing with that, Hunter pulls him in for a hug, soaking in the only human affection she's had since her pregnancy began, all while her husband pays her no attention.
Things start to unwind the more her pica progresses, and we later discover she subconsciously entertains this compulsion because of her upbringing. She was the product of a violent rape her mother endured. She feels guilty for not being aborted, for being born because of something so heinous.
The cinematography is mostly good. There are a couple of shots where they were clearly wanting to try something cool with the composition, but didn't fine tune it. Like in one earlier shot, they're sitting at the table eating dinner, with two lights over their heads. Everything is symmetrical-- except for the lights' reflections. That is just slightly off to one side. I wonder why they didn't just film the shot from the other direction? Or why not play with fake glass in order to get the right image?
The movie's psychological impact falls apart in the last fifteen minutes. Where its ideas shine is where her husband and in-laws clearly care about and love her, but they don't understand how to delicately deal with mental illness, thus causing some harm along the way. But they still make strides to help her. Just not very empathetically.
In the end, Hunter runs away to avoid going to a psychiatric hospital. First of all, she already signed the admittance papers. Does that not give the police authority to track her down and involuntarily bring her back? She's clearly a danger to herself and to her unborn child.
All subtlety vanishes when she calls her husband, and he "shows his true colors" by shouting and cussing at her. It paints him as a terrible person, but honestly, who wouldn't shout in this instance? He's angry that she's essentially kidnapped a child that's also his. I'd be angry, too, if my pregnant wife ran off to poison herself and my child to death.
Hunter finds her birth father-- her mother's rapist -- who tells her that her being born is not her fault. She did nothing wrong. She, the baby, is not responsible for her parents' decisions. Hunter expressed she was terrified that she was like her father. That she was a predator.
After receiving comfort that Hunter is not like her father, she goes off and becomes like her father. She aborts her and her husband's child. The last five minutes completely dismantles the entire film. Hunter murders her unborn baby, even though she just experienced catharsis that children shouldn't be punished for their parents' actions. The movie plays happy music and shows her flushing her bloody, dead child down a mall toilet. They don't portray this as an ironic ending. The movie wants you to feel good about it. Whether you agree with abortion or not, it completely ruins Hunter's character arc, and accidentally proves she's just like her father. She causes harm to an innocent person. You could even argue she's worse. At least her father never killed anyone.
The Perfection (2018)
Brilliant first half. Lackluster second.
There are really "two" films to talk about that make me question if they had two groups of writers-- one group to write a horror movie, the other to beat female empowerment over our heads.
First half had so much going for it:
- meaningful foreshadowing
- wonderful cinematography in correspondence with the music
- actors who can actually play the cello
- slow build to the chaos that inevitably follows
- use of bodily malfunctions that create psychological distress to the characters and audience
The midway point was brilliant. It's where the film's slow burn catches fire, but before you can douse it in water, someone spills gasoline, and everything becomes too hectic, alarming, and confusing to put out. Your emotions go everywhere. You start out flabbergasted that Lizzie vomited maggots, but then you cringe as she grows hysterical, thinking she has more insects crawling inside of her. You want her to stop scratching her arms to "get the bugs out." Then you see the insects writhing under her skin, but you still don't believe it's real. Then Charlotte reacts to seeing it, and you realize-- it's real. But all you can do is watch as all hell-- and the bugs -- break loose.
Then Charlotte reveals her insidious plan. My jaw was on the floor for minutes after everything was said and done. I was both repulsed and weirdly happy that the film did something so daring. After staring for a while, I started laughing. I was so excited to have a real villain pulling the strings, and for Lizzie to seek revenge without succumbing to the same depravity, or worse.
All of that was ruined when the second group of writers stepped in. Charlotte was never the villain-- she was really the good guy doing bad things! How can either of the female leads have dynamic, interesting psyches?
The movie gets pretty ridiculous from here. Crimes happen, cops don't. And forget about subtlety. Their personalities all mesh into one, and they all sound like each other, losing any individuality for the desperate sake of a "deeper meaning." They sacrificed natural dialogue for "flower power" nonsense that borders on preachy.
We already had a deeper meaning. It was Charlotte's evil that she had brewed over the course of a decade. I so wish the film went with the original route. I'm giving it five starts for the first half, plus an extra star for that unforgettable twist. The ending was pretentious and, frankly, lame. There were also a few issues with the editing that made me roll my eyes. But I would give anything to experience that terror and perplexation blind again. I'd just turn the movie off after the midway point. Do that, and you'll be feeling something crawl under your skin, too.
Dante's Inferno: An Animated Epic (2010)
Beatrice Had it Coming
"Dante's Inferno" lacks in all categories, some more egregious than others.
1. Animation and art. It's not good. There are shots where they literally took still images, then used Flash to make them shuffle a bit. While different studios took turns animating sections, they all shared some not-so-great traits in common. The animation is stiff, vacant of proportions, and overall just not pleasant to look at. Most character designs are fundamentally bad. You can tell they went with the rough drafts. Sometimes a character's mouth will flap but no words come out, and sometimes they hold their mouth open and say a whole sentence without a single syllable. The best is when Dante screams like a bloodthirsty animal, but the artists only draw his mouth to look like he's just saying "ooh." Then on the opposite side, he can be talking perfectly normally, but they'll animate him flinging his torso up and down the walls, throwing spit, eyes bulging, camera zooming and panning eveywhere.
2. Audio design. They can't pick a volume, leaving the music and SFX's muddy and uninteresting. That's on top of the stock sound effects used on repeat throughout the whole film.
3. Voice acting. It's not the worst I've heard, but they should have picked someone else for Dante. He always sounded like Patrick Warburton whenever he let out a war cry. Beatrice had two emotions: "I love you, Dante!" and "Dante, how could you!?" Satan was generically gritty and deep. The only win was Mark Hamill. Though I will say, I was not expecting to hear Gray DeLisle Griffin play a naked demon woman trying to seduce Dante.
4. Writing. Every character had one or two lines that they'd say on repeat, with minor variations. No one's arc was worth celebrating, although I'd argue no one actually had a character arc at all.
5. Story. Dante saw a menu of sins and decided to eat everything on it, most notably murdering literally dozens of innocent men, women, and even beheading small children. He also quite literally salivates at the very sight of blood, especially by victims that he personally slaughtered. What he did constitutes eternal damnation by every Christian denomination on the planet. But even if we're going by medieval Roman Catholic standards, it's not much better. So for Dante to wind up in "purgatory" in the end-- instead of hell -- is backwards logic.
Then there's Beatrice. She is not innocent, contrary to this movie's beliefs. Maybe she didn't deserve hellfire, but by no means did she deserve heaven, either. First of all, she and Dante both committed a serious sin of having intercourse before marriage. And while Beatrice and Dante recognize it as a sin, they still act like it's this romantic thing they did in secret. Then she goes off and makes a deal with THE DEVIL. Beatrice is either cocky or an idiot, because she wagers her own soul if Dante betrays her by committing any of the big boy sins. Then, in hell, Beatrice sees Dante's memories and realizes he is a psychopathic monster. So she apostatizes, which again, to medieval Roman Catholic standards, is a huge no-no.
But not only does Beatrice apostatize, she WILLINGLY marries the devil, i.e. Satan, i.e. Lucifer. And yet the second she backtracks, God says "no harm, no foul!" and delivers her to heaven. When Dante is in purgatory, Beatrice goes to visit him and spent the rest of eternity at his side as an angel. Then she brazenly tells Dante that God will forgive him for his sins. Excuse me, ma'am, but no. That's not how that works. Murder is an unforgivable sin. Dante murdered, and he took pleasure in it. Again, major no-no.
This would have been better as a separate thing from the Divine Comedy, because when you incorporate real life events, people, places, and religions, very rarely can you get away with retconning the rules of reality. Go make a movie about a bloodhungry nutjob beheading heretics during the Crusades, but if you want to bring religion into it, do everyone a favor and read the footnotes. When you don't, you look like a fool who tried to make a fanfiction about Satan's ex-girlfriend.
Yôjû toshi (1987)
Pointless Smut With a Plot Twist to Match
There's a lot of sex, half of which is just fetishized rape. It can be used as driving plot points, fine, but you can feel the drool from the writers and animators who made sure you could see the victim being assaulted from every angle imaginable. I found it ironic that out of at least a dozen sexual encounters, the only one that DIDN'T end with someone being injured or almost murdered was also the SHORTEST scene. Not just sex scene-- the shortest scene in the entire movie was of two people making love without killing or raping each other.
Where the fetishization comes in is with the main female protagonist, Makie. Her character is graphically sexually assaulted on not one, not two, but FOUR separate occasions. And I guess they told the voice actor she was in a porn, because those are the vocal sounds she decided to make while being violated, and at one point, tortured. It's not much better for the men, but at least they put up a fight and sounded distressed.
The plot was one of the most inane things I've seen in a long time, let alone in a sci-fi anime film. Taki is sent to protect a two-hundred-year-old diplomat, Giuseppe, alongside his partner from the Dark World, Makie. The movie mainly takes place over the course of one night. Upon arrival, Giuseppe immediately gropes Makie and constantly tries to coerce her into bed with him. He sucks.
At the end, it's revealed that Taki wasn't sent to protect Giuseppe, but Giuseppe was sent to protect Taki and Makie. Apparently, their DNA is a perfect match for a human and Dark Worldian to make a baby as a symbol of a unified future. Their plan was to essentially breed them without their knowledge. This makes no sense.
If Giuseppe is supposed to be protecting Taki and Makie, he does a poor job at it to say the best.
1. When they first get attacked in a hotel, instead of saving Makie from being sexually assaulted from an ex-lover, he literally hides in the bathroom and lets it happen.
2. After the hotel, it turns out not only did he hide, he ran away. He flat out abandons the two people he was sent to protect. And where does he go to? A brothel. Where the prostitute tries to kill him.
3. Once Giuseppe recovers in a specialized hospital, he learns that Makie was captured by the Dark World and is being gang raped as punishment for her betrayal of their kind. When Taki decides to rescue her, Giuseppe tells him NOT TO. The same guy who is supposed to be keeping these two people safe is actively insisting Makie be left alone where she will inevitably be put to death after being tortured in every orifice available (yes, literally).
4. Taki saves Makie, and is then promptly fired for "going against orders." Makie is also fired for some reason... Giuseppe allows this to happen, and then hides in his car so he can sneak away with them. They get attacked again, and Giuseppe FINALLY fights to defend them. After which, he reveals the plan that he and the ENTIRE GOVERNMENT agreed upon. The same government that fired Taki and Makie and told them to get lost, and go away where no one would be nearby to protect them. It's pointless, it's stupid, but it's at least mind numbing enough that I was void of anger by the end of everything.
There was one part of the movie where I laughed out loud, and it was not a funny scene. Giuseppe goes tete-a-tete with the main villain, tossing in a couple of epic lines about their past, and how it's all coming to an end. Five seconds later, Giuseppe is defeated. It happens so fast that even the villain makes a comment about it. Then Taki comes running out, and it takes another ten seconds before he is also restrained and down. But of course, Giuseppe somehow survives, and Makie (who was twiddling her thumbs this whole time) finally joins them and helps out.
This movie is a time vampire. But if you're in need of a good laugh, look up the climactic fight scene. That part alone was worth the pain.
Watashi no Shiawase na Kekkon (2023)
Almost a Perfect Refresher
I normally don't like anime, but this is such a fantastic change of pace for your typical anime-isms, and one of the best English dubs out there.
The good:
- 99% of characters have the most soothing voices, complete with subtle expressive tones, with a fair share of more dynamic emotions when it's due.
- the story is gentle, sweet, and cathartic. It didn't exactly make me sob at any point, but I don't think it needed to. It's just a plotline that resolves in smaller steps until everything settles in the finale.
- very nice foley and sound design. There was some great music, too, both mixing contemporary and traditional instruments.
- even some the "bad" characters feel very organic. Miyo's half sister, for example, is spoiled, pretentious, and vindictive. Part of that is because she was raised that way, so you can sympathize with her since she doesn't really know any better. The only part where she becomes irredeemable is when she snaps and fully gives in to the role she knows is evil.
- Miyo and Kudo's relationship develops beautifully in both small and big strides, then some setbacks, then compromise. They are a wonderful example of a healthy couple. They disagree, but they never resort to fighting with insults, rage, neglect, or pettiness. They recognize mistakes and correct it. They learn different kinds of trust. They stick up for each other.
The not so great:
- one character is a menace to your sensibilities. You'll know who it is. He's overbearing, obnoxious, and had no reason to be a recurring presence.
- there was so much lore that barely had any room to be explored. Twelve episodes is way too short for a plotline that involves interweaving generations and a complex magic system.
- the magic in this show played an extremely important role, but was treated as an afterthought. Episode one had zero mention of it. It just kind of hits you in the face when a military group lines up, but when you expect them to practice with firearms, suddenly there's just a giant fireball in the air. The magic is also never really given a solid explanation. What's Kudo's specific power? Couldn't tell you. Sometimes he shoots fire, sometimes he electrocutes things. What about the cousin? I guess he can duplicate and teleport people.
- there's a really serious scene towards the end where Miyo's cousin is explaining her uncertain future, and why they had to take extreme measures to help her. Then all of the sudden this entire moment is ruined when their grandfather-- who has thus far been the most serious, grim, mature character -- randomly slaps his grandson in the butt. Then grandpa says, "Just kidding, I change my mind, go do whatever you want with your crazy magic and have fun!"
- some of the art is confusingly weird. The characters can go a bit off-model at times with some interesting proportion choices. Like when they drew Miyo to suddenly have a head twice as big as the housekeeper's. Or when Miyo had two flowers that were attached to the sides of her head, but when you look at her directly, the flowers have defied gravity and decide to kind of float there.
The downright infuriating:
- the art is gorgeous, yes. But for some reason, every character has this unexplained halo in the top portion of their hair. And even more inexplicably, half of them are just random colors. It's not the highlights, either. Those function separately. They just literally have a circle of green or pink on the top of their heads and it's so weird and doesn't look good at all. Once you notice it, you can't escape it, because it's on every. Single. Person.
- the major plot points were never given proper attention. Miyo turns out to have the "dream ability." They say it's the most powerful of all magic because you can use it to literally brainwash people to do whatever you want. And what do they do with this power? Nothing. Miyo uses it a whopping one time in the very end of the very last episode. The whole show was building up to this point, only for it to just be underwhelming.
- I wish this show was the standard twenty-six episodes. There was so much beauty and wonder in this world that took a backseat to redundant monologues. There would be two or three scenes in a row that would all tell you the exact same thing but only barely add something new.
- what was the point of the emperor? They were making it out as if he had this dark scheme that he needed Miyo's power for. But we literally see the emperor twice. Everyone just says "I've got a weird feeling about that guy," but then nothing actually happens. Even the princess is scratching her head wondering what he's up to, but then just kind of shrugs it off. The important story elements were given pats on the head, while the less important elements were given hugs and kisses.
All in all, this is a great series to fall asleep to, or just have in the background while you fold laundry. But if substance is what you want, take it with a grain of salt, and fill in your own blanks.
Dance with Devils (2015)
So bad, it's brilliant
I was not expecting it to be a musical. The first song came out of nowhere and I could not stop laughing. Actually, every song made me laugh. The spoken dialogue makes you cringe until you have no other choice but to smile at how ridiculous and melodramatic it is. Some of the deliveries are wonderfully confusing-- are they serious, but being spoken in an unserious tone? Or vice versa? Keeps you on your toes, you know?
I have yet to recall more than one or two names. You mostly attribute each person to their trope/mental illness. For example, one person is the tough guy, one is the best friend, and another is a sadist for some reason.
Some songs are literally twenty seconds. Others are a couple of minutes. Again, it keeps you guessing. For all of this show's cliches, you have to give it credit for never being boring.
Not a single "devil" or villain is even remotely intimidating. It's perfect. They all fail to do their jobs both tonally and physically, and it kind of makes you want to be friends with all of them for trying their best. Maybe except the sadist.
I adore the random "engrish" that always finds somewhere new to sneak into the next song. I'm sure it's more profound in Japanese, but the English phrases that jump into the songs are some of the most unintentionally funny lyrics I've ever heard that make absolutely no sense with the rest of the number.
But what is undeniably the best thing about this series is the action. I don't understand how, but that also made me burst into laughter every single time there was an on-screen fight. Half the time, they're singing while fighting, which immediately strips the scene of any tension whatsoever. The first fight was amazing-- the hunky class president was (very slowly) jumping all over the place, kicking, hitting-- he even snapped a dude's arm in half, which was surprisingly brutal. Actually, there's a lot of gore in this show, especially in the last half. But then at the very end he literally snaps his fingers, and the bad guys disintegrate immediately. He could have annihilated everyone with this method, but the sheer fact that he actively chose to draw out the battle was very flattering as an audience member. It was like he really cared to entertain us.
A lousy day can be an amazing day with a show like this. Someone somewhere out there in Japan woke up and decided to bring their fanfiction to life. I genuinely hope this was a passion project, because it deserves praise for being able to make someone as jaded as me smile every time I think about it.
Minus one star for the incest side story.
Go West (2023)
Can't pick an audience
This movie drags and the editing is inconsistent. For example, they'll show one character who is very obviously in the rain, but when they cut to another person, they're bone dry. But when they show them together they've clearly been rained on. I want to believe this was a running gag, but when every joke is in your face and spelled out for you, I can only think otherwise. The sound mixing is awful and can't decide if it wants to be muffled or painfully loud.
The humor feels like thirty bad skits jumbled into one, with maybe two or three passable jokes. However, they follow the same formula almost every single time, and its predictability just leaves you annoyed. A few of these people are very talented actors, but they threw all of their talent out the window. Making funny faces and using funny voices does not a good joke make.
Every single man in this film is portrayed as weak, babyish, stupid, effeminate, or gross. And they make it clear that they think very little of men. The company captain literally sells his soul to the devil so he can get a pair of thigh-high stiletto boots. Adam plays a grown man who eats alphabet soup, talks like a baby, whines, cries, rides a rocking horse, and snuggles with a teddy bear. Whitney's entire character is solely dedicated to insulting men for being men under the guise of subverting feminine stereotypes. They make a comment about how white people can't wear sombreros or kimonos because of cultural appropriation. And the only "good" character is the main female protagonist, who is smart, brave, strong, and morally superior. They also like to make jokes at the expense of the bible and religious values, which I wouldn't have minded if those jokes were actually funny, and not just used for the purpose of turning faith into a joke in and of itself.
There's so much vomit, spit, snot, and farting. It's toddler humor, but there's a shocking amount of unnecessary blood. They pretend to be family friendly with cute little jokes and repetitive catch phrases, but then they toss in some of the most creepy and bizarrely mature things into the mix. For example, one of the men tells a woman to "keep it in her britches" when he thinks she's hot for someone. Matt is shown torturing the male protagonist with a hot iron, but then they make it all cutesy with farting and silly faces. There's a scene where Jason's character says his feet are sore, so he takes off his boot, and dumps a gallon of blood onto the ground for a solid minute. And even Jeremy plays a literal cannibal that wants to eat someone alive, and implies that he's already eaten a few others in the past, and attacks another character by trying to bite and consume his arm. It's not funny, it's disturbing, confusing, and borders on satanic.
Overall, the movie is egregiously boring, inconsistent, poorly acted, misandrist, unfunny, and obnoxious.