chambers-dc Reviews

Twilight (I) (2008)

An entire generation of teenage girls...RUINED!!!

[1/10 · 4 July 2010]

Now the phrase 'dragged to the cinema' is commonly used by people who end up watching a film on the silver screen that they feel embarrassed about having watched. These movie goers know that they have witnessed a truly horrible film and want to forewarn the entire world not to see it, while somehow still maintaining their dignity in having actually watched it in the first place.

Now I'm not going to lie, I have never so much as thought about the Twilight saga, read any of the books or anticipated any of the film releases, but I do recall going out on a date with a girl whom I had a certain penchant for, and in willing to please her we went out, got something to eat and had a nice time. And then she suggested we watch a film in the adjacent cinema.

Now at this point, alarm bells rang. I knew she was crazy about Twilight. I mean, she had already watched the film TWO times in the cinema and it had only been out for a week. But, as is my chivalrous and relaxed nature, I went along with it, telling her that she could choose the film as there was not much out at the time. But in the back of my head I knew what I was getting myself into.

I mean, where to start? How about with analysis of the word 'saga', which comes from early Scadinavian and Germanic settlers and means 'epic or legendary tales'. How this term can be so much as coined to describe this plight, nay, disease that is the scourge of the earth at the moment is beyond belief.

There was nothing that I saw in that film that even made me want to think about watching or reading anything related to the name 'Stephanie Meyer' again. She has been blacklisted from my subconscious, and this travesty of a 'saga' is dead to me now, despite having only scraped the surface of this

Now, I have watched films such as 'Trolls 2' that has been given a rating of 2, and Twilight does not hold a candle to that film. Literally. I would honestly choose that film over this 100 times out of 100. I would in no way describe myself as a film snob, though I would never go out of my way to watch a film that has been ill recommended to me by like minded movie goers, but Twilight is the anomaly. The film that proves that sometimes the most shameful target audiences can prove the most effective - the teen/tween female population who have watched too many sappy animations (I love Pixar releases so this isn't a jab at Disney as a concept) to believe that this storyline could happen to them if they squint hard enough and imagine.

When it actually comes down to me describing the film, the inclusion of Muse gained it one star, whose publicists must be lapping up the adulation at the moment, though whom may be regretting it as soon as the band release a song about vampires and werewolves. The storyline isn't even a bad one, and I could imagine the books to be at least somewhat readable in a very acute (LSD?) state of mind, but the film screams money. Simple as that. And as I count, I believe we are on the 3rd or 4th one now within the space of 2 years, and my hypothesis then rings true now.

The acting was wooden, the 'romance' was transparent, the fight scenes were laughable and yet this girl (both the one sitting next to me and the big manly one on the screen) was lapping it up! Swooning when Edward 'sparkles' (how a girl could find sparkling an attractive quality in a man is beyond me) and crying at the end when they declare undying love for each other, that was read straight off of a cue card.

Suffice to say I haven't spoken to her since.

Bratz (2007)

This film has put me off moving to America and/or having children

[1/10 · 30 August 2007]

Well...first off..just why. If the intention of writing this film was simply because the last time a movie has been this cringe-worthy was Britney Spears' Crossroads, then the idea was a nail hit directly on the head.

If you feel any emotion, be it happiness, joy, elation or even sadness (in context to the film, as opposed to its existence) during the running time of this film, you are unfortunately a biased person...or are 2 years old, in which case you would not have the mental capacity to read this or form opinion throughout the film...except for when to soil yourself during its run time.

The sad truth is that this film was surely doomed from the start. No-one would in their right mind would write, direct and produce this film, under the impression that anyone would actually enjoy it except for toddlers...and, unfortunately, that peculiar clique...young girls who actually assume that they and there friends are actually Bratz.

"Oh, that film was totally written about us," they say.

Unfortunately...it probably was.

The Blues Brothers (1980)

This film never, ever fails to disappoint.

[10/10 · 30 August 2007]

A film that, in my opinion, has it all. A star studded line up that can actually act and not just attract celebrity-hunters, incredible chase scenes, witty one-liners that do not border on the verge of malignance and some of the best songs ever written.

After watching this film over 30 times, it honestly never fails to disappoint.

John Belushi and Dan Akroyd work so well together, and really act as if they are their characters, as opposed to actors paid to be them. And car chase scenes that would make Minis salivate, and an array of side plots that work so seamlessly with the "Mision from God".

The on-screen chemistry between the band is frictionated and therefore completely accurate for anyone who has been in a group, but when the music starts, always a guaranteed classic throughout the film, then the magic of the film really happens.

A film that borders genius and then creates a whole new country, and one that may be re-attempted, but never rivalled.