DeviousMrBlonde Reviews

Dance of the Dead (2008)

In a word: terrible!

[3/10 · 11 September 2010]

I find it very difficult to find anything redeeming about this film. It's not funny, it's not scary and it's not even b-movie enough to be so-bad-it's-good.

I'm bewildered by the gushing essay long reviews here, there is no way somebody of sound mind could find this film to be good, charming for trying so hard maybe, but in no way can it be viewed as good.

The whole thing reeks of a high school writing project. The protagonists are pushed from one scenario (where they get to beat up zombies) to the next (where they get to beat up zombies) as fast as possible in the hope that no one recognises there's no actual plot. Silly, childish stuff, and definitely not in a good way.

Carriers (2009)

As Average As Average Gets

[6/10 · 4 September 2009]

I was at the "World Premiere" tonight at the Fantasy Filmfest in Hamburg and I have to say Carriers was completely underwhelming. I liked the general premise but every step of the story is driven plot turns which feel more and more forced and only seemingly take place to get the story as far as the MacGuffin, in this case a secluded beach where the characters will be able to hide from disease and humans alike.

On top of that the characters of the brothers become annoyingly cliché as each lives up to their sensitive-liberal-brain/makes-the-hard-decisions-conservative-brawn stereotypes. It's a pity because the film does make some hard and interesting decisions with the characters but the ideas simply aren't there to keep the tension and overall story steaming along.

A very very average film which is well made and is still worth a view but ultimately disposable.

Epilogue - why does there always have to be a scene in American apocalypse films where the characters inappropriately fondle an American flag to dramatic music? The scene was completely out of place in a film that plays it straight and realistic the whole way through.

Event Horizon (1997)

A Great Premise Ruined By a Hack!

[5/10 · 28 April 2006]

Terrible terrible (that's right - so bad I had to write the word twice) dialogue. I can't believe I actually watched this for the second time in my life last night. I had vague memories of not liking it the first time but I said I'd give it another try as I've been starved of good sci-fi since Dark City and of course I've watched the Alien Quadrilogy way too much (AvP doesn't count as an Alien movie).

It's about as scary as a pillow. There was some tension at the beginning but once things get going it just gets boring. Nothing original whatsoever, painful forced dialogue, and once the "action" kicks in any attempt at creating a story goes out the window and we're treated like morons wanting nothing more than loud bangs.

In saying that, the beginning is relatively enjoyable although I found the rip-offs of Alien much too obvious to the point of actual plagiarism.

It's just a VERY average movie. In fact I found myself thinking at many points in the film, that this should be standard viewing at all film schools, it is a master lesson in what NOT to do.

At the end of the day Anderson is just a hack, there is absolutely no evidence to the contrary. I cannot believe FOX (although it is FOX after all) are considering letting him do something with AvP2.

NOW THAT IS A SCARY THOUGHT!!

Hostel (2005)

Horror for Morons

[1/10 · 24 March 2006]

Brutal stuff. And I use that in the most negative sense as opposed to the violent sense. The violence is so overly stylised that I found myself in hysterics laughing as opposed to the horrifying reality of the violence in Wolf Creek.

Comparing this to Wolf Creek or Saw is like comparing Star Crash to Star Wars.

It feels like it was written by a 14 year old whose knowledge of the world outside of America came from Eurotrip, except they decided to remove whatever little (and I stress the word "little") bit of humour that movie possessed and replaced it with a soft-porn horror pretender. Every attempt at dark comedy tried in this movie had me and my friends looking at each other and bursting out laughing at the pitiful attempts.

I really couldn't be bothered going into any detail but this one little point should give you an idea of how patently ridiculous the movie is. They are given the location of the hostel in Slovakia and told the local girls are remarkably sex starved due to the lack of men because of "the war." What war would that be exactly?? Slovakia broke from the Czech Republic without much happening back in the early 90s.

Slovakia, Slovenia, what the difference eh? Avoid at all costs.

Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith (2005)

Revenge of the ZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

[5/10 · 10 November 2005]

In the top 250 and bulging with glowing reviews I can only guess that people are rating it in terms of episode I and II as opposed to any real objective view of a film.

It's not a bad cartoon... sorry I mean film. But it's not all that great either. There are just no characters in the three new films, and no CGI doesn't count. Except maybe for Yoda I couldn't have cared less if the lot of them fell head first into the volcanoes on Mustafar.

Granted there is more of a storyline to latch on to in this one but on the whole it just doesn't add up to anything much. It's an enjoyable flick but nothing special. Placed beside Serenity it is downright ridiculous.

Lucas is surrounded by sycophants who bow to his every will. He's a talented man but he needs someone to tell him when enough is enough. That's why the first two are such great films - they are still escapist fluff, but they are great fun and have people you can really relate to. Once he gained full control himself, the Ewoks appeared.

Less is more!

Sin City (2005)

A Beautiful Bag of HOT AIR!

[5/10 · 22 August 2005]

Wow, it's in the top 250 films of all time. This is the perfect picture for 2005, all style and absolutely NO substance. None, nada, empty.

I'm not complaining about the violence (Kill Bill rules,) in fact I thought the violence was pretty muted. I'm certainly not an anti-comic-book person; Dark Knight by Mr Miller is my favourite comic book ever. This is just a pointless film.

It looks fabulous but after 30 minutes that just gets tiring. I'm not expecting Citizen Kane, just at least an attempt to inject some kind of plot to hold the whole thing together. It would have made a great short film but over two hours it is just boring, and the dialogue is just plain ridiculous. Driving this point home is Bruce Willis, he has nothing more to do than to be Bruce Willis. What more need be said? It's a pity really, I was very much looking forward to this but in the end it left me feeling robbed.

Intermission (2003)

Great Actors, Pretty Good Movie

[8/10 · 13 July 2004]

Fantastic performances by almost all the cast. Great characters, and some very funny dialogue.

The movie does suffer from "where is all this going" syndrome at stages but underneath the hard exterior and very believable characters (Farrel is fantastic and super realistic as the local scumbag) lies a story simply about finding someone to get through life with. It works for the most part but gets lost a few times along the way which drags the movie down. Some tighter editing and maybe a bit more experience on the part of the first time writer and director may have helped. But a good first time outing for them that bodes well for the future of Irish filmmaking which has for too long spat out "Waking Ned" over and over again.

The main plus for me about this movie is that I think it is the first movie to show a real picture of modern working class Ireland. I really like the R.Doyle Barrytown Trilogy but the reality of those movies is softened by the humour whereas the humour here is much more cynical and that translates to a much more realistic feel. I'm sorry that some people feel some way offended by this realism but YES believe it or not there is crime out here in Oirland too. Despite the misconceptions we don't just sit around all day drinking Guinness while producing Lucky Charms and having a chat with the local Leprechaun.

One comment about the accents. The movie is an IRISH movie set in IRELAND. I'm sorry that you cannot understand it sometimes but what would you prefer, that the movie be shot with generic American accents? Sure, we'll just wait for the remake!!

Ali G Indahouse (2002)

Indacrapper

[1/10 · 7 May 2003]

My god how bad this is. Who is this impostor pretending to be Ali G? Avoid this at all costs. It replaces the smart multi-layered satire and humour of his show with down and out toilet humour.

This was obviously an attempt to get him known in the States before he released his show there on HBO.

One commentator here pleads that we not judge the movie on the merits of the show due to the difference in the mediums. While it is true that the standard format of the show could never have been transferred to the big screen Mr Sacha Baron Cohen could have ensured the smart use of his comic style in a more conventional movie storyline. Instead we have this mess, which in all honesty has nothing at all to do with Ali G except for the packaging.

Terribly disappointing. Go seek out the DVD's of Innit, Aiiii, or Bling Bling for some real Ali G.

Gangs of New York (2002)

Glorious and Ridiculous

[5/10 · 10 March 2003]

Whenever Daniel Day Lewis is on the screen take the first word. Whenever Leo and co are on the screen with their clichéd, painful dialogue, take the second word.

Worth watching for Day Lewis and to see the difference between a great actor and mediocrity.

My Big Fat Greek Wedding (2002)

Hollywood Strikes Back

[4/10 · 11 December 2002]

Horrible, horrible movie. Granted there are some funny scenes but in the end this is cliché at it's worst. There is obviously a book somewhere called "Make-A -Movie-By-Numbers".

We've been thankfully seeing somewhat of a renaissance in Independent Movie making of late but this movie marks the fight back from Hollywood. They have obviously planted someone out there to make movies under the independent movie label but in reality the movies contain all the usual Hollywood crap. Another reviewer asks `Why don't other independent films receive the patience accorded to "My Big Fat Greek Wedding"?'. Simple, this isn't an Independent movie, at least not in the quality sense. I guarantee you that the reason this movie made so much money is because of the same people who made Runaway Bride gross $150m. or think Coyote Ugly doesn't melt your brain.

$200m. How can this waste of a movie make that kind of money? I am so happy to relate that not one cent of my hard earned cash went to this.

Here look, I'll save you the time and money: 1. Ugly Greek Girl stuck under the thumb of parents. 2. Is allowed to go to college and puts on makeup and suddenly becomes much more attractive. 3. Gets to sit with the cool blonde girls like she has wanted since Junior High. 4. Meets perfect man. 5. Greek parents disapprove. 6. Eventually accept him. 7. His parents are stiff protestant types and find the whole Greek thing hard to understand. 8. Cue standard scene of merriment and dancing by ethnic group to show how easy going they are (also applies to all movies with Irish or Indian people). 9. She is allowed to grow but still holds some respect for aspects of her culture. 10. Big wedding happens. 11. His stiff parents learn to dance and loosen up like the ethnic group. 12. Everyone is happy. The world is a beautiful place. (the first time we see his parents I turned to my gf and bet her that by the end of the movie they would be dancing and guess what - I won).

Another movie of exactly the same ilk recently was Bend it Like Beckham.

Now I am sure that some of you are thinking I am just cold-hearted but I love feel good movies, when they are decent movies. Amelie was one of my favourite movies of the last years. This isn't feel good, this is just crass sentimental crap.

The Rules of Attraction (2002)

Pointless but then, that's the point!

[8/10 · 9 December 2002]

This movie will leave you feeling so empty. There are no likeable characters and no standard storyline construction (there is no beginning, middle or end as such). But, you see, that's the point. This certainly will not be everybody's "cup of coffee" so to speak. Too many people like their movies to wrap everything up at the end and have everything explained to them and for Lassie to save the day. If you are one of these people then don't bother. On the other hand if you like a movie to challenge you then I am sure you will find ROA superb.

Based on the book of the same name by Bret Easton Ellis it is probably THE best book to film adaptation I have ever seen. It captures Ellis' tone perfectly. Take some morally corrupt but beautiful people and show how much of a waste they are. Nobody ever listens to one another and everybody is out for number one. They are all selfish, greedy, and self centred. You are given not one character to like. It is a dark dark comedy about the corruption of excess and moral vacuum left behind. It is in my humble opinion brilliant. You will physically feel that vacuum in your stomach after watching the movie. These people and their actions are the perfect allegory for our ME culture. One significant difference from the book is the timeline which is updated to more current times from the books 80's context.

Roger Ebert went to see this twice because he was unsure how he felt about it. In the end he felt it was too unrealistic with regard to the nudity and attitude to it and he couldn't reconcile with the fact that there was no one to like in it. In response he received many letters from students saying that this is exactly how it is on campuses in the US, that this is what they do every weekend. That might give you an indication of the level of reality achieved here… and also an idea of the culture gap. This is another movie where older people may just not get it. When I read Ebert's review his main criticism's centred on the characters but personally I found myself throughout the movie saying for almost all characters `I know someone like that'.

Go see it, but be prepared to feel nothing. It's decadent. It's great!

P.S. I haven't read the other reviews but if you are silly enough to compare this to American Pie or such nonsense then you are WAAAAAY off the mark.

Bend It Like Beckham (2002)

Crass and Cliché

[3/10 · 18 November 2002]

What a waste of a good opportuinity. A chance to tell a story about integration of cultures in England using the Beautiful Game as the grinding stone.

Instead this movie goes for every (and I mean EVERY) cliché in the book. I was horrified watching this. It took the very worst of Hollywood and transplanted it to England. I honestly cannot believe that this movie did so well on the International circuit. It was lambasted in England on it's release and rightly so. It panders to the lowest common denominator at every turn and lacks any intelligence.

The only redeeming factor comes in the form of Jules' mother who convinces herself that her daughter must be lesbian because of her boyish tendencies... to some very English comic relief. But alas even this good turn in taken too far towards ridiculousness in the end.

In a word: Rubbish. Go out and find "East is East" to watch a fabulous movie (practically) covering the same issues without the schmalz.

Kissing Jessica Stein (2001)

Irritating. Kind of.

[6/10 · 6 November 2002]

My reason for not liking this movie so much is kind of a paradox. Jennifer Westfeldt who plays the character of Jessica Stein does her job so well it ruined the film for me.

Mixed up? Understandable. Jessica you see is a conservative New Yorker from a Jewish family who in perfect Woody Allen style is completely neurotic. Whereas Woody does neurotic in a funny ironic way Ms. Westfeldt does it in a completely real "I'm a pain in the ass" way. She's actually too believable. There wasn't a scene with her in it when I didn't feel like catching her by the head and screaming at her "wake up to life".

Despite this obvious setback the movie succeeds in parts to be genuinely funny and smart. The best line of the movie coming when Jessica is asked if she discusses her lesbian adventure with her therapist. I'll leave the punch line for you.

It also avoids thankfully the general lesbian stereotypes which in itself is a breath of fresh air.

If you are the kind of person who thinks Hare Krishnas (you'll see) are freaks you may enjoy this flick a little more than I, otherwise you better have a strong stomach.

Rabbit-Proof Fence (2002)

Poignant story. So-so implementation.

[8/10 · 4 November 2002]

A very poignant subject matter - based on Doris Pilkington's book Follow The Rabbit Proof Fence - make this movie slightly better than it should be. The story was one that needed to be told but at the same time it's such a simple story that it doesn't lend itself all too well to 1.5 hours of film.

It is all the more important to watch this movie because of the controversy surrounding it in Australia with critics attempting 'to convince Australians that all of this had been a product of false recall on behalf of indigenous people who could not accept the reality of their parents giving them away'. It mooted more controversy because it doesn't strictly stick to the original story but this criticism quickly disappeared when Doris Pilkington was in her own words forced by critics of the movie came out vocally in support of Noyce and Olsen.

The government were even going to sponsor a leaflet campaign attacking the movie. This seems all the more unbelievable when the government still refuses to apologise for the sad history of the Stolen Generations.

On another note the young actresses also deserve high praise for their acting. Fabulous performances from girls so young and with a subject matter of such force.

As is usual the emotional high point comes at the end when we get some facts about the Stolen Generations displayed. Emotional stuff but there are a million more stories of this sort in Australia, lets hope this movie sets a precedent.

Manhunter (1986)

Cheese please...

[5/10 · 30 October 2002]

I haven't watched Red Dragon yet so I don't consider myself biased one way or the other. This movie was a complete disappointment. I've been reading all this commentary on how Red Dragon is a bad remake of this good film, all I can say is Red Dragon must be complete tosh so.

I can only agree with the comment already posted that it's a case of "Miami Vice" meeting a thriller. The dialogue is completely cheesy and the music had me all but reaching for the mute button. I can't believe people praising the acting, it's generally atrocious!! And as for the over the top ridiculous lighting. Terrible.

The movies one redeeming factor comes in the towering form of Francis 'Tooth Fairy' Dolarhyde. He is genuinely creepy and acts the part very well. Otherwise it's one to miss.

The Magdalene Sisters (2002)

... and the truth was told!

[8/10 · 29 October 2002]

Fabulous movie with some flaws in pacing but overall an emotional Tour de Force which is firmly and unfortunately grounded in reality.

The main point I wish to make about this movie deals with the depiction of the nuns. For me this is what makes the movie truly great, because the nuns are depicted as being as institutionalised as the girls. They do not take any pleasure from the way they treat the girls, they simply believe that what they are doing is correct. Bar one scene involving the girls standing naked in front of a laughing nun this is true for the whole movie, and even in that scene it is more out of stupidity rather than any sadistic pleasure that the girls are humiliated. Mullan did the right thing by not trying to score political points off of the Catholic church. He simply tells a truthful story and leaves the decisions up to you.

I went to this movie expecting to be horrified but in the end the tales told were nothing more harrowing than that which I have already heard told many a time. I'm sure it will have a much stronger impact on those outside of Ireland. That is not that I wish to trivialise the events depicted rather to state how much I know they are truthful in the general history of the once all powerful Catholic establishment in Ireland.

By the way, if anyone doubts the authenticity of the content of this movie you should try your hardest to get your hands on the Channel 4 documentary (Sex in a Cold Climate) on which Mullan's film is based. I'm am pretty certain that will put any of your doubts to rest.

Bowling for Columbine (2002)

There should be a class at school for this doc...

[8/10 · 28 September 2002]

This should be standard viewing for every kid all over the world. There should be a class where they have to study this and the messages contained therein. Scary as hell and touching to the heart. Brilliant! 10/10!

Nine Queens (2000)

Disappointing

[22 August 2002]

Very disappointing unfortunately. The blurb said it was a mix of Amorres Perros and Memento... two of my favourite films of the last few years.

I guess they chose Amorres Perros because it was a foreign film, but that's where the comparison finishes, and Memento had absolutely nothing in common with it. Gotta stop believing those quotes, especially when they are taken from Vanity Fair!!

All in all it was an average film. Nicely made with some admittedly very good acting. The problem is, it moves so slowly and the story hasn't enough happening to keep you interested. I guessed the ending about two thirds the way through the film, I thought it was pretty obvious. There are some nice smart one liners and the characters are great and it shows you the REAL Argentina. It's just all too lethargically implemented.

Some of my favourite movies of the last few years have come from South America but I have a feeling that too many people are jumping on the idea that it's South American film and therefore giving it too much credit. It's an okay movie, great in parts but it doesn't completely work as a whole.

Cube²: Hypercube (2002)

Hypercube. The title should have given it away!

[2/10 · 19 August 2002]

Hypercube. That title is terrible but I placated myself with the idea that a Hypercube is actually a real theoretical mathematical construct. That it wasn't some misjudged attempt at a catchy title. It is just telling it how it is. The first one was called Cube and was set in a Cube, this one is called Hypercube and is set in a Hypercube. How wrong I was. Everything - absolutely everything - in this movie is designed to be "Bigger, Better, Faster"! And that is why it fails miserably.

I loved the original Cube because of it's simplicity. It was what one might call a pseudo Science Fiction movie. It was a psychological thriller trying on the Science Fiction coat, and it worked to perfection. You thought, this is crazy BUT it could bloody well happen. It was (apparently) set in the here and now and everything in it was eerily possible. It would have cost an awful amount of money but it was possible, it was after all just a big mechanical Cube. Even the booby-traps were deceptively simple. The real beauty for me was that you never knew or got to know the why, where, or who in the first movie. The goal was simply to get out in one piece and each person had their individual skill to help achieve that goal.

Cube2 enters the full realm of Science Fiction and immediately trips and falls flat on it's face. None of the simplicity is left. The `captors' in this new cube must deal with time shifting, gravity shifting, alternate realities, some weird killer time thingy that moves through the rooms and one of the crew who turns a bit psycho... just like the policeman character from the first movie, except (you guessed it) he's even a BIGGER psycho. On top of that the story tries to put a face on who is behind these experiments: The Izon Military Corp. (or something along those lines). This movie therefore is what 2010 was to 2001, albeit on a more modest level. And in the same way it just doesn't work

Also, character development is practically nonexistent. For example one pair of characters disappear and are never seen again. Just like that, gone for no real reason except maybe to show the vastness of the Hypercube although another character seems adept at meeting the multiple instances of two other characters in particular. In the end you absolutely do not care for any of them or whether they can escape or not. The story gives you no reason to care for them. The idea of the Hypercube itself is too vast to make you care. As one character points out, the amount of possible rooms in a Hypercube is infinite. Therefore there is no real goal. The characters don't need each other to escape. There is no exit door in a Hypercube! So why bother at all?

And as for the one-liners. The pain, oh the pain.

The worst bit however is reserved for the end. The Über-Military guy's comments on the phone make it sound like they are really contemplating a Cube3. Spare us, please!

Ice Age (2002)

Funny.. yeah, for 5 year old kids maybe!

[4/10 · 15 August 2002]

The story is simple. The jokes are crude. The WHOLE story was clear after 10 minutes (if even that). It's full of every movie cliché in the book (then again, it is FOX isn't it). I can't believe that so many adults rate this highly. I'm not complaining, the animation is nice. It's perfect for kids but not really for anyone over 10. It is not comparable with any of the "Toy Story" movies or even Monsters Inc. to a lesser extent which all work on so many levels... for both kids and adults. Shrek blows it out of the water. Just don't bother, get it out for the kids if you want them to be distracted for 90mins or so. Otherwise just stick with Pixar! For me 4 out of 10, if I could reverse the growing process and be 9 again then maybe 7 out of 10.