no1sbusiness Reviews

47 Ronin (2013)

It's an average movie. Nothing more, nothing less.

[5/10 · 28 January 2014]

I saw it. Things happened. Not a lot of things, but they happened. The dialogue was hammy. The action very scripted. The visual FX were patchy, especially the backgrounds (I know they were going for "painterly" but it didn't quite work). It was about as Japanese as your local sushi shop's California roll.

I don't know, the trailers had me pumped up but this just was a snore fest.

Before anyone complains of "not getting it", I have lived in Japan for several years and love Japanese film (hell, I just won 15 Japanese DVD's from a comp at the national Japanese Film Festival here). I have also worked in visual FX on films and TV.

I "got" this film. It's just not good.

The Human Centipede 2 (Full Sequence) (2011)

I would be ashamed to say I worked on this or knew people that worked on this

[1/10 · 16 December 2011]

I don't write many reviews but I feel compelled to have this on the record, for whatever that's worth, in the hopes of having other people keep a possibly useful 90 minutes of their life intact.

This was the worst thing I have ever seen committed to film or kilobyte. Not "worst" as in "most shocking" or "most disgusting" or "most horrific". Worst as in, "there is truly nothing to recommend about this film."

There is no story. Nothing. It's just appears to be an idea some guy had and he hired a camera to film the idea and then kind of just finished up when the rental was due back.

There is no acting to speak of. Or, I guess you could say there is overacting. Or repetitive acting (hit button A to swing tyre crowbar). It's atrocious. Some good flopping around on the floor is what I would say if I was being generous, but I'm not.

There is no actual dialogue to speak of. Maybe 10 lines in the entire film. This is not helped by the lack of acting.

The cinematography is bland. The staging is terrible. The post fx (nice rain, is that a bad After Effects plug-in I see?) are crap. The sound is boring.

I won't give away the biggest and most trite BS in the thing. I hope you won't find out for yourself, by actually watching the movie, but if you do, I dare you not to shout "F**K OFF!" at the screen at the end. You've been warned.

Actually I take back what I said earlier. This *is* probably the most offensive movie I have ever seen, just not in the way you are thinking. I am offended it was made and people spent time and energy on it.

Chuck (2007–2012)

Light comedy/action with potential

[7/10 · 23 November 2008]

Just started watching Chuck on my girlfriend's recommendation and after watching most of the first series I can say that it definitely has potential.

It is certainly not going win any awards for best script/acting/whatever, but the characters are likable, the nerd humour works (especially if you're a nerd and pick up the references) and the relationships are being built up. It is light stuff. Someone mentioned Saved By The Bell. Maybe throw in some Parker Lewis etc and you get the idea. It is fun, silly, unlikely and lovable. If you don't want that check out something like True Blood (which is excellent).

To be honest, if you think this is one of the worst shows on TV, I feel really lucky that we don't get the majority of US TV in Australia because you guys must have some absolute junk.

As for comments along the lines of "I turned this off to watch Dancing with the Stars", well, I think we can pretty much establish a framework for your opinions.

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace (2004)

Funniest show since the Mighty Boosh

[10/10 · 24 July 2007]

Ignore the people drinking the Hatorade, this show is so quotable it almost hurts. I can't believe I missed it the first time around.

Philby, you need to define your love of "British comedy". I mean, you end you end your critique with a bastardisation of a worn out catch phrase from an unfunny commercial by Telstra (the equivalent of British Telecom), and as such I advise readers to take such opinions with a grain of salt.

The comedy writing here is top notch. As for comparisons with The Office or the Boosh, the fact that Steve and Julian appear in episodes might lead one to think that they were fans of the show as well, yes?

Renaissance (2006)

Breathtaking graphics. So-so story.

[7/10 · 19 August 2006]

First things first, this movie is achingly beautiful. A someone who works on 3D CG films as a lighter/compositor, the visuals blew me away. Every second I was stunned by what was on screen As for the story, well, it's okay. It's not going to set the world on fire, but if you like your futuristic Blade Runner-esquire tales (and who doesn't?) then you will be fine.

I do have to say that I felt the voice acting was particularly bland and detracted from the movie as a whole. I saw it at the cinema in English, but I am hoping that there is a French version floating around somewhere.

Definitely worth seeing.

Rumor Has It... (2005)

Devastatingly boring. Actually painful.

[2/10 · 19 August 2006]

My sister recently rented this DVD and were both bored to death by this movie. From the first bland voice-over from Aniston this movie goes nowhere. There are so many problems but the biggest by far is this: timing.

There is none. Nothing happens and it happens so slowly that it was actually painful to watch this movie. None of the characters show any real redeemable qualities and even Shirley Mc, who is so often great, just manages to be despicable here.

I really would like to recommend something good about this movie, but I just can't. I mean, really. Jennifer Aniston and Kevin Costner in the same movie equals so much wooden acting that they should start their own lumber company.

2/10

A History of Violence (2005)

Average at best, confused at its worst

[6/10 · 14 March 2006]

I won't go into the details of the story as that has obviously been covered in previous comments. I went into this movie not expecting anything, having never really seen much of the directors work and I have to say that I was almost checking my watch by the end of it. I could see where he was going in a thematic sense but the whole movie was on valium. I was having a contest with myself to see if I could say the next line before the actors did and I had a pretty decent strike rate. Performances were dull and lifeless and the direction of the movie changed at least 3 times and still seemed lost.

In a nutshell, I came out of the movie very dissatisfied, both from an entertainment and technical perspective.

As for the second sex scene, that was only slightly less random and gratuitous than say, ohhhhhh, Halle Berry's performance in Swordfish ;)

Kung Pow: Enter the Fist (2002)

Most Quotable Movie Ever? Possibly!!!

[10/10 · 20 October 2004]

Okay, here is the lowdown.

If you like dumb humour, you will love this, as I did. This film is *meant* to be stupid and if you like it that way you will love it. There is nothing to "get". You don't "get" comedy, you find it funny or you don't . . . it's not a good or bad thing, it's just the way it is. I also don't mean "dumb humour" like Scary Movies or American Pies which fail almost every comedy test available.

I saw the trailer and I thought "worst movie ever", however, seeing it with some like-minded mates and it was beautiful. Why? Because of the number of absolutely golden-fried comedy lines sprouted.

If you didn't like Dumb and Dumber, don't watch this. You should know by now what kind of things you and your friends find funny. Like D and D, it takes repeated viewings with friends to truly shine.

If you think "Friends" is comedy genius, don't watch this movie. If you think "Everybody Loves Raymond" is the pinnacle of humour, again, bypass. If you think "White Chicks" is a laugh-o-rama, it's skiparoo time.

Take it for what it is and enjoy it

4/5

Hearts in Atlantis (2001)

Ponderous, predictable !!! SPOILERS !!!

[27 February 2002]

I saw this last night on video and can say I am glad I didn't pay for it!

First let me preface this short review by saying that I love Stephen King's short stories, especially his 'non-horror' ones. Let me also say that I have not read the book, but as I am giving a movie review, the film should stand on it's own merits.

As someone mentioned previously, characters are not fleshed out and we barely get to know them. The three kids are supposed to be best friends, til death do them part etc, however the relationship between them is barely sketched, with the kid with baseball glove (can't remember his name) is barely mentioned.

Focusing on Ted, his powers, his pursuers and whatnot are not adequately explained, why they want him, why he is avoiding them etc.

As for the actor who plays young Bobby, comparing him to the star of "The Sixth Sense" is a little bit of a stretch. This is a young boy who appeared to have trouble playing a young boy, with over exaggerated body language and speech.

Themes and foreshadowing are served up half-baked and can be seen a mile away.

Obviously the focus of the movie is the relationship of the boy to the older man, but overall nothing happens in the movie and it happens slowly!!

Stand By Me and Shawshank Redemption are much better examples of King's characters being transferred to the big screen.

As for me, I am going to read the book to see how it *should* be done.