kirachloe Reviews

Eden Prime (2022)

No, just no.

[1/10 · 17 April 2024]

I was about to just blow off reviewing this movie without a review but I can't do that to those that come after me. This is something that should NEVER have been created, much less published

Think about the graphics from your very first video game you ever saw or heard about, like the original 1990's DOOM. Now make the graphics, dialogue and lack of a script about 5 times worse. And you still have something better than this movie.

The only thing I can think is that the only 3 people involved with this atrocity were desperate to get an IMDB entry. Well now they have it. Then again, those entries are associated with this movie, so they did not come out ahead.

Saurians 2 (2023)

For lack of a camera on your phone ...

[1/10 · 5 April 2024]

I always feel that you need to give credit where due ... but I couldn't find anything good here. This had to a be a hoax, something they thought up while drinking too many beers one night. The first obvious thing you see is the camera quality, or lack thereof. And this isn't a movie from the turn of the century, this was recent. Wow, real bad choice. You can't get past the stiff acting, if that's what you want to call it. I have seen better acting from younger actors in community theaters. This 'film' should not exist on any platform, even the cheapy streaming services. The only thin I can think is the actors wanted to get an IMDB page. Well you got one, and it is associated with his film. Probably would have been better to stay anonymous.

Despiser (2003 Video)

Its nice to have friends to pad your movie rating

[1/10 · 4 April 2024]

I probably don't have to say anything, just read the other reviews yourself. All the limitations of a no-budget movie, but I'm going to give it a 10??? Really? Man, doesn't James Cameron feel stupid. He spent over $200M on Avatar and he is still short of a 8 star rating. You would think Despiser is PHENOMINAL? ... or the friends and robots are just phenomenal at padding the freak out of IMDB.

Well the other reviews were right, this is a really no-budget film. And sadly, the things that are essentially FREE when you are a low/no budget film, this crew could not get right, like a good script and decent directing and scene setup. Please, I might have given a 2 star, if just for the effort. But for all those that pad up, we have to have a few that pad down.

The Dead Matter (2010)

Not much of a script, but a lot of friends

[1/10 · 3 April 2024]

Looked interesting and even had some potential talent on the listing. It should have been good but the script was completely awful. The directing and many of the scene setups weren't much better. Another movie bites the dust because the writer and director can't take the time to make it right. I'm not talking about spending money, just time and preparation, which often if not always do not require actors or other costs.

But this doesn't make sense. It has a ton of 10 star and 8 star ratings??? ... and yet a ton of 1 and 2 star. Hmm something is not right here. Look at that , so many of the high ratings were given by reviewers that only reviewed a single movie: this one! Nice to have a big family and circle of friends. And I hate bogus ratings.

The Elp; A Creature of Legend (2022)

Just no ...

[1/10 · 2 April 2024]

Really, just no.

Well, trying to stay with the 'always say the nice things first', at least it appears they used the newer iPhone to make this movie. The picture and voice recordings are better than other movies also obviously made with a phone and of this ... quality. And some the actors seemed to be trying, kinda.

Beyond that, oh brother. I've seen better acting in the community theaters. I'm sure they had a plan of some sort. The only thing worse than the script is the directing. The scene setups, if you can call them that, are amateurish at best. And that's the best thing I can say about the directing.

Well, at least the cast members now have an entry in IMDB, for what it's worth.

Alien Apocalypse (2023)

Start with a dose of stupid, add a pinch of you gotta be kidding ...

[2/10 · 2 April 2024]

I agree this is presented in a throwback style, if you call throwback meaning to setup many scenes you have to start with a good dose of stupid and let the actors react with more stupid (like some of the old sitcoms). Yeah, I didn't think they were entertaining back then and I still don't. A few minutes or rewriting could have made SUCH a difference. I guess drama 101 classes have been forgetting to teach the basic 'suspension of disbelief' concept, because there is no way the writer and director made it to the 102 class, unless they decided to sleep through it. Sad too because a few of the actors showed promise, but its tough to see that when you recoiling in horror at the script/scenes, instead of the movie.

Ghost Note (2017)

And the voting bots are at it again.

[1/10 · 18 March 2024]

Wow, almost 600 votes from Argentina, Aruba, and Armenia, all at 7 stars or 8 stars (depending on the location) with no other ratings from those locations. And less than 200 other votes. Someone on the cast or crew has a computer savvy friend.

Sad, because this crew had potential. Some of the actors/acting was ok, even good, but as noted in the other reviews there a several cast members that should probably look into other careers. Not the greatest story, the writer could tighten up SEVERAL places, and the directing/transitions need some help. All-in all, a 3 might be pushing it.

And sorry, I HATE vote bots anywhere, so I am giving this a 1 star to pull the rating back into reality. Yeah, friends and family always sandbag the rating, but rarely enough to make a difference, and definitely not for 600 votes!

Alien Nemesis (2023)

Not good, but not quite horrible either.

[2/10 · 17 March 2024]

Huh, interesting. One of those REALLY low budget films. A few of the actors appeared to have talent, and the behind the camera and cgi work seemed okay for the price. I really did want to like this and hoped for better, but it was just not a pleasant watch. The directing was cheesy at best, as was the script. The scene setups and transitions were something I would expect from a community college drama student, and just could not hold the viewers attention. All in all, the writer and director need to spend a LOT more effort, even for a low budget film. Not something to ding the cast and crew over, but this movie just does not warrant anything better than a 2 star.

Pterodactyl 2 (2023)

The bot-voters are at it again

[2/10 · 15 March 2024]

Wow, talk about your bot-voting. Finding this just after it released and the voting is just stupid. Out of less than 200 reviews there are 101 10-stars? ... not to mention a bunch of 9's and 8's??? Please. This movie is closer to a 2 , and that is a bit of a gift.

The acting is sub par at best, although there were a FEW moments of something watchable. The camera work and directing would be lucky to pass a community college drama class, and the script was no better. They didn't worry about sets because they just used whatever house or room or road they could find. Heck the only scenes quasi-good were the CGIs, and their still using 15 year old technology.

Really, if you are reaching this far down for something to watch, you are in bad shape.

Mayflower II (2020)

Not worth the time

[2/10 · 15 March 2024]

A movie with more money spent on CGI than acting, ... but there wasn't much there to begin with.

I always prefer to start out with the positives, but I really can't find any. I would swear that this was some school project that they were able to get published to the streaming services. The sets and props were abysmal ... did no one even try? Did they just walk around their house for 10 minutes and just grab things willy-nilly? The acting was just above what I have seen inn high school, so maybe this was a Community College assignment? Not sure if they created the script over a binging weekend, or they just made it up as they went along. The CGI effects were passable for something presented 10-15 years ago, so don't expect much.

After some debate, I will give a 2 star for the effort, but that second star is a big gift.

Canaries (2017)

Wasted opportunity

[2/10 · 23 February 2024]

Don't you hate the waste of a good opportunity? At a high level this movie had SO much potential. A good, maybe great, concept squandered because it failed miserably in the details, and lost at least 2 stars because of this.

Credit where due, as I said the concept was danged good. The acting was not bad ... with the script and direction they were given. The behind the camera work was there, faltered in a few places, but overall acceptable as they had to deal with the direction given.

But honesty time. Many times it was the script writer or director trying to be too clever by half that sinks this movie, often in unnecessary, useless, or 'trying to be crafty' dialogue. And some of the scene setups could have been SOO much better with just a little thought.

How many times must it be stated: if a movie screws up the 'suspension of disbelief' the audience will constantly be falling in and out of the movie, and that makes for a poor viewing experience. Let me give you a simplistic, but annoying, example. The supposedly competent 'agent' that makes all the STUPID comments, really. Did you think it added to the realism, probably. Did it hurt the movie from anyone with an ounce common sense ABSOLUTELY.

Next time, trying making a good movie, not a clever one, and something like this could easily garner 4 or 5 stars.

Night of doom (2021)

Only the second time I ever wanted to give 0 stars

[1/10 · 23 February 2024]

After over 300 IMDB movie reviews, this is only the second time I wanted to give 0 stars. Do not even waste your time bringing up the title screen on this one.

Were they trying to be cerebral? ... artsy? ... or were they just so doped up they could not even comprehend? All I know is they failed SOOO miserably. Kids playing with their iPhone camera on a weekend could have done better. To say they were stoned when they conceived this gem would be giving hallucinogenics a bad name. The acting is beyond awful, the use of ... grade school special effects ... was horrid, and their likely was no script, just people winging it. I think the different scenes were created this way, with them just looking for a place to shoot, looking for props when they got there, and then just starting the camera. Wow, to think someone actually spent time creating this is amazing. Or is that agonizing?

I Didn't Come Here to Die (2010)

Don't believe the friends and family reviews

[2/10 · 22 February 2024]

Wow, this is bad, REALLY bad. MAYBE I can see an artistically minded friend of mine giving this a 3 or so just for the comradery of the fellow thespians, but 7's and above??? WoW. Think I am harsh? ... look at the IMDB history of the all the good ratings. They have only rated one move, this one. Smells like family and friends giving over-bloated reviews!

This had to have been shot with a 2010 version of an iPhone ... if that. And the dialogue? ... there was likely a script, although I am not sure how much effort was put into it. Maybe a weekend's worth? The only reason I am giving it a 2 is that a FEW of the actors actually seem to have something like talent.

But the writer and director could EASILY have done better. Ever heard of researching your subject? ... making sure you don't violate the suspension of disbelief? ... or how about sparing the real public (besides your family) and finding a different job?

Galaxy Warriors (2022)

Another movie without any merit

[1/10 · 18 February 2024]

OK, another group of wannabe actors used their phones to record another should-never-have-been-made-public movie. Not quite even scantily clad women running around spewing off-the-cuff lines. That's an assumption because no one that would actually want to call themselves a writer would actually put such drivel to paper. I have seen better acting, if you could call it that, in your local playhouse. At least they made matching costumes ... of a sort. And don't even get me started on things a normal director would actually care about, like lighting scene setup and the like.

Congratulations, you got your names on IMDB, only to be associated with a movie that should never have seen the light of day.

Feast for the Beast (2008)

Wow, how bad can it get

[1/10 · 18 February 2024]

Don't waste your time. Another bunch of folks that got their first phone that can shoot video and the decide to 'make a movie'. Sorry to the staff and crew, but there are simply no redeeming features of this ... thing. Not sure if the people in front of the camera even call themselves actors, or just lucky to have a video-capture camera. Whomever was behind the camera should have realized how bad this was and stopped it before it went further. Wow, they even have the guts to have credits for a writer and director? I guess the writer was the one with the crayon and the director was the one who owned the phone.

Fable: Teeth of Beasts (2010 Video)

Yeah, it's that bad

[1/10 · 16 February 2024]

I really try to avoid giving 1 star reviews ... you can almost always find a redeeming quality or actor. But not here.

The first obvious issue is the camera work: they couldn't at least find an iPhone? Whomever thought they were being cute with the shooting/coloring/quality of the film should be barred. And the setup of the scenes could not have been worse. At least there had to have been a script, as no actor would dream up some of the god-awful lines and cliches on their own ... or would they?

All in all I found this almost intolerable. So why, might you ask, did some give this a 7 star review? Look at their review history. Most have only reviewed a single title ... this movie. Hmm, sounds like family and friends just opened a IMDB account?

Lifeforms (2023)

A real stretch that failed

[2/10 · 16 February 2024]

This movie tries to be so artistly highbrow and fails miserably. The writer was being too intellectual for their own good, making a move with way too many inferences that just aren't supported, either by the script or the presentation. It appears the actors tried to make this work, but the rest of the movie did not support this. The directing/scene setups were just not there. The camera work was barely better than amateurish. I am assuming the bare scenes were an attempt to continue with this eerie, academic, mood of the movie, but that failed also. And all the flash backs and scene jumps just make for a disjointed movie that is incredibly hard to follow and enjoy. I can't give a 1 star as it appears there was effort here, but so poorly focused a 2 is the best I can give.

Gods of the Deep (2023)

Not even entertaining

[2/10 · 15 February 2024]

OK, the good. It looked like the actors tried to make this watchable. They didn't try too hard, but they tried. The camera work was also acceptable. Sorry, not much more to say good.

I wanted to like this movie, I really did. But as soon as they needed to show anything beyond scenes sitting in a conference room, the props, staging, and general direction were HORRIBLE.

The most obvious thing is the director was completely clueless. Anytime he was oblivious to what would actually happen in a situation he would shake the camera. And wow, the 'really cool, cutting edge' technology was SOO bad. To the point that the hatch to the submarine was a trash can lid! ... and it closed the wrong way!!! You make a movie about a submarine and you never saw a single submarine movie??? Do just a LITTLE homework.

I can write pages about how bad this movie was, but that might give the director hints on how to make his next movie better. Instead, I would strongly consider another line of work.

Centauri 29 (2023)

You have got to be kidding

[2/10 · 2 February 2024]

So this is what movies have come down to. A couple of guys on a single set (and not a very good one at that) hoping that an entire hour of high school level computer graphics will allow you to proclaim 'I made a movie'! They probably shot all the scenes with people in them over a weekend, which was probably more time than they spent on the script ... although that implies they actually had a script, which might be overly generous. What absolute crud.

Well you got entry in IMDb, which is probably a MUCH bigger deal than this ... 'thing' ... they created (I can't bring myself to calling it a movie.

Well I did give them two stars because at least the quality of the camera work and sound was better then some of those iPhone movies out there.

Sewer Gators (2022)

Wow, SOOO Bad

[1/10 · 28 January 2024]

Ok,. I can actually understand the 'low budget' drama students creating a movie for their class project getting to the free streaming services, but at least they get actors with at least SOME talent in their 'made by iPhone' movies, but Sewer Gators didn't even do that. Surprisingly they had slightly better quality equipment, but a whole lot less quality in front of the lens. Wow, I can't even get past the 'acting' to even comment on the lack of a script, content, or even cinematography. If you can sit through the entire movie without hitting the bottle SEVERAL times, I have a simple suggestion for you. GET A FREAKING LIFE.

Ember Days (2013 Video)

Yeah, it's that bad.

[1/10 · 17 January 2024]

Someone got a new iPhone and figured they too could make a movie. Let's see. Step 1: call on their high school drama team. See if they can grab costumes from the prop department. If not, "hey what's in your closet". Step 2: sit around drinking Friday night and sketch out a scrip ... or not (more likely in this case). Step 3: MAKE A MOVIE! Who needs all that expensive equipment like a camera and mic ... or even a tripod. We have an iPhone!! Who needs special effects? ... we can just play with the camera settings! A stage? Nope, just do everything in the dark. And by the end of the weekend, viola. You have wasted everyone time, including your audiences.

Flesh Eaters (2022)

Hoping this was a high school project

[1/10 · 17 November 2023]

The only way to 'save' this movie is to find out it was a high school drama class project that got uploaded to the streaming services by mistake. It was most likely shot with someone's iphone (not the latest generation either), to include using the phone's mic. It looks like they needed a few extra actors so they asked the closest uncle or two to take on roles. I hope there is a script, although at times it does sound like they are winging it, and the shot setups were likely figured out on-the-spot. And the 'special effects' ... yeah I remember using papier-mache to make masks when I was in elementary school, and it looks like they saved one for this movie.

Motorboat (2023 Video)

Never pass the class with this

[1/10 · 9 November 2023]

This HAS to be a school project, as no one would make something this bad and actually publish it intentionally. The camera work is the quality of a cell phone (and I am not talking about the latest iPhone) and likely used the phone's mic also. I first thought an actual script probably does not exist, and then I noticed the 'closeups' appear to allow the actors (being kind with that description) to literally read off a piece of paper just off camera. My hats off to anyone that can actually watch the entire movie, or heck even get past the mid point ... I tried hoping there was some gem or quality I could give some credit to, but no luck. Don't waste your time.

Alien Rising (2013)

Yeah, its that bad

[2/10 · 3 November 2023]

The epitome of not caring about your movie ... ... Some movies fake up a real-looking police report when someone is reading a dossier. This movie just handed the actor a copy of the script to literally read from AND THEN SHOWED IT IN A CLOSEUP!

Some pictures actually train their female kick-fanny leads to at least look like they can throw actual punches and kicks ... this movie figured why bother, so they get the look of a high school play.

Some movies have real dialogue ... this movie almost seemed to wing it with bad cliches.

I am usually one to give credit where credit is due, but the crud in this movie are SO bad I can't bring myself to give it better than a 2.

The 12 Disasters of Christmas (2012 TV Movie)

Can't get past the elephant in the room

[3/10 · 2 November 2023]

12 disasters that are beacons of the end of times. But they ALL happen in a little town that no one ever heard of and almost no one goes to???

The key stone of any ... EVERY ... quality SciFi and horror movie is the 'suspension of disbelief'. The script and actors have to support this to ensure the audience gets drawn in and STAYS in the framework of the movie. And yet, they never once provide a sufficient explanation of why the whole world depends on a little town out in the middle of nowhere ... that didn't even exist when the architects of the prophecy was created. Come on, if you can't cover the basics do not expect a good rating.

Yes, the film crew seemed to know what they were doing and the acting was actually good But without a solid story your audience is going to drift in and out of the experience, and ultimately have a negative experience.