I love Cage, and I love horror. This is a complete mess. They had all of the ingredients to make something good, the trailer showed promise. The end result is a confused, amateur, schlocky mess. Cage is overacting worse than Oldman, the lead actress shouldn't be acting in anything, the music is ridiculous and sounds like presets from a desktop film scoring app. The humor never lands. The action / gore looks like something from Sharknado. I'm a serious film head and watch anything and everything and never ever shut a film off to give the whole production the benefit of the doubt. This one tested my patience on every level, and I wish I had this time back to watch something with some redeeming value.
Reviews
10 Reviews
Fired on Mars
(2023– )
Smart writing, excellent characters
7 May 2023
First off, if you have only watched one or two episodes then don't review it.
This is an excellent show, it is not a comedy and doesn't pretend to be. There's a lot of uncomfortable situations, with super cringe from deeply flawed characters. The setting is a crucible for an unholy cocktail of these characters, limited resources, and a hostile environment outside and inside. Within their confines, it's almost like Office Space, outside it's any Mars film. We follow the main character as he confronts his flaws, always optimistic, searching for a higher purpose and meaning to it all.
Do yourself a favor and watch without judgement. This one has a unique vibe that is highly engaging with tons of subtle payoffs along the way.
This is an excellent show, it is not a comedy and doesn't pretend to be. There's a lot of uncomfortable situations, with super cringe from deeply flawed characters. The setting is a crucible for an unholy cocktail of these characters, limited resources, and a hostile environment outside and inside. Within their confines, it's almost like Office Space, outside it's any Mars film. We follow the main character as he confronts his flaws, always optimistic, searching for a higher purpose and meaning to it all.
Do yourself a favor and watch without judgement. This one has a unique vibe that is highly engaging with tons of subtle payoffs along the way.
The Gray Man
(2022)
I question the validity of most of the reviews here.
10 October 2022
Listen, almost no films are a 1/10. Almost no films are a 10/10, even Star Wars, or Jaws aren't perfect.
This is a 5 or 6/10. It has the budget, a potentially good story, great actors. So what happened? Writing is stinky, many things don't make sense or are laughable (you cannot hide behind "oh it's just an action movie! Don't get all Citizen Cane on me."). The excellent actors are wasted, which is a real crime. How could there be a shortage of good writing in this world?! There are billions of great writers, and only Hollywood is responsible for not taking advantage of that. Should you watch this? I don't know. It's OK. They pay you off with some exciting action scenes, but constantly insult your intelligence and make you second guess your time investment. By the credits, you just look at your partner and go "huh".
Personally, I like to be transported, mesmerized, inspired, shocked, even emotionally manipulated... but not "huh".
Buyer beware.
This is a 5 or 6/10. It has the budget, a potentially good story, great actors. So what happened? Writing is stinky, many things don't make sense or are laughable (you cannot hide behind "oh it's just an action movie! Don't get all Citizen Cane on me."). The excellent actors are wasted, which is a real crime. How could there be a shortage of good writing in this world?! There are billions of great writers, and only Hollywood is responsible for not taking advantage of that. Should you watch this? I don't know. It's OK. They pay you off with some exciting action scenes, but constantly insult your intelligence and make you second guess your time investment. By the credits, you just look at your partner and go "huh".
Personally, I like to be transported, mesmerized, inspired, shocked, even emotionally manipulated... but not "huh".
Buyer beware.
Obscene.
5 July 2022
I love OG Stark Trek. I love Alien. I love sci fi.
This series had a fantastic opportunity, something similar to when Disney took over Star Wars. They could've done almost anything, as long as they stayed true and were fantastically creative. Disney walked a very conservative line and while it was OK, it could've been SO much more. Strange New Worlds had the chance to create a prequel, something gritty, retro but smarter than the OG. What would the Enterprise look like in the very beginning? What would it look like when their tech was not quite the OG level? Instead, they gave us the disco bridge. Soooooo many Tron lights and a huge curved screen that almost surpasses Next Generation in it's sleek futurism.
I subscribed to Paramount+ just for this show. At first, I was let down. The weak score, the weak creativity, etc etc. I gave it time to grow, and then am served with this episode, the most blatant theft and lack of creative thinking I think I've seen. They didn't even try. "Let's do an Alien episode.". That's it. What an insult to Alien, Star Trek, and quite frankly storytelling.
Cancelling my subscription Paramount. Thanks.
This series had a fantastic opportunity, something similar to when Disney took over Star Wars. They could've done almost anything, as long as they stayed true and were fantastically creative. Disney walked a very conservative line and while it was OK, it could've been SO much more. Strange New Worlds had the chance to create a prequel, something gritty, retro but smarter than the OG. What would the Enterprise look like in the very beginning? What would it look like when their tech was not quite the OG level? Instead, they gave us the disco bridge. Soooooo many Tron lights and a huge curved screen that almost surpasses Next Generation in it's sleek futurism.
I subscribed to Paramount+ just for this show. At first, I was let down. The weak score, the weak creativity, etc etc. I gave it time to grow, and then am served with this episode, the most blatant theft and lack of creative thinking I think I've seen. They didn't even try. "Let's do an Alien episode.". That's it. What an insult to Alien, Star Trek, and quite frankly storytelling.
Cancelling my subscription Paramount. Thanks.
The Little Hours
(2017)
It's just not funny.
18 June 2022
Sorry to anyone involved, but this just doesn't work. I wanted to love it, it seemed like it had promise.
I'm not religious in any sense of the word, as a matter of fact, it offends me. So that didn't get in the way. Also, I NEVER turn films off, they must be seen in their entirety to be judged. In that case, consider this a review of the first 45mns. I didn't laugh once in this meandering mess. Cabin Boy is better.
I'm not religious in any sense of the word, as a matter of fact, it offends me. So that didn't get in the way. Also, I NEVER turn films off, they must be seen in their entirety to be judged. In that case, consider this a review of the first 45mns. I didn't laugh once in this meandering mess. Cabin Boy is better.
Uncharted
(2022)
We've lost our way.
17 May 2022
Warning: Spoilers
I like adventure films. Romancing the Stone, Indiana Jones, even Jungle Cruise, or Red Notice with the Rock. It was pretty obvious that this wasn't going to be top tier, but this one is a slog - which is opposite of what you want for an adventure. It didn't help that I'm not a Tom Holland fan, he just seems monotone to me. Wahlberg who I usually really like seemed to be coasting. No real laughs or care for what happens, and such huge stretches of reality or physics that suspension of disbelief is nearly impossible.
Those perfect ships would've been worth more than the gold. But they flew them around(!) and smashed them. What about the city utility worker that would've found the 35 blocks of clockworks JUST below the street? Hour of time spent on the dopey gold cross-key-compasses that had almost nothing to do with anything. Even the title seems random and doesn't really reflect anything. It's all charted, just a hidden cave, that nobody has ever gone to, ever, even though the cave looks like their is probably a resort bar in it. I'm open to watching almost anything, but I'd probably pass on this.
Those perfect ships would've been worth more than the gold. But they flew them around(!) and smashed them. What about the city utility worker that would've found the 35 blocks of clockworks JUST below the street? Hour of time spent on the dopey gold cross-key-compasses that had almost nothing to do with anything. Even the title seems random and doesn't really reflect anything. It's all charted, just a hidden cave, that nobody has ever gone to, ever, even though the cave looks like their is probably a resort bar in it. I'm open to watching almost anything, but I'd probably pass on this.
Zack Snyder's Justice League
(2021)
Mostly?
17 July 2021
I'll keep this brief. I'm not a comic nerd, but I am a film nerd.
My eyebrows raised at the 4 hour runtime, but it's easily digestible. The 'chapters' actually help that. It's a cohesive vision and the pacing is really nice.
Problems for me personally: The bad guys were pretty bland, and CGI was OK, not sure what to say here. There's a LOT of slo-mo to the point it gets in the way. The 4:3 aspect ratio really pissed me off, but I got used to it. When I read the director's reasoning, I got pissed off again. What's the ratio of ppl seeing this in IMAX vs every other way? Weaksauce.
Enjoyable.
My eyebrows raised at the 4 hour runtime, but it's easily digestible. The 'chapters' actually help that. It's a cohesive vision and the pacing is really nice.
Problems for me personally: The bad guys were pretty bland, and CGI was OK, not sure what to say here. There's a LOT of slo-mo to the point it gets in the way. The 4:3 aspect ratio really pissed me off, but I got used to it. When I read the director's reasoning, I got pissed off again. What's the ratio of ppl seeing this in IMAX vs every other way? Weaksauce.
Enjoyable.
Penny Dreadful
(2014–2016)
This one is really something.
7 July 2021
I'm only just now watching this. After reading the plot description, I thought it sounded ridiculous and there would be no way to intertwine horror classic characters in one show and have it be anything other than nonsense. Boy, was I wrong. The whole thing is deeply steeped in gothic horror, but they explore many other angles and do some excellent character study. Some really great acting in here, and as mentioned repeatedly, Eva Green is just spectacular.
Be wary of the low star reviews, and notice that most of them complain of it being slow. That should tell you something right there. There's nothing slow about it unless you have the attention span of a child? I don't know, it's a ridiculous claim.
Ive seen mention of the third season being not as good, I'm deep into 2 so I may see that but it won't sway my feelings. I feel like it's a gift already!
Other shows I've loved: Kingdom, The Dark, Mindhunter.
Be wary of the low star reviews, and notice that most of them complain of it being slow. That should tell you something right there. There's nothing slow about it unless you have the attention span of a child? I don't know, it's a ridiculous claim.
Ive seen mention of the third season being not as good, I'm deep into 2 so I may see that but it won't sway my feelings. I feel like it's a gift already!
Other shows I've loved: Kingdom, The Dark, Mindhunter.
Existential dream - 7.5
20 June 2021
Warning: Spoilers
Lots of silly bad reviews based on "no action", disgusting", "plot holes, scientists wouldn't do that", etc. Nothing will help these people. Consider that you are watching an animated short, and revel in it's slice of a world, a time, that we don't need to know.
Just as in music, many people could have many interpretations, which is a good thing. I see this on three possible levels - 1) allegory of humans and beached whale or possibly the earth, 2) a commentary on society and how it reacts to an event., or 3) a consideration of a man's life upon death, and how people interact with that. I like this third one. Maybe the graffiti is things people say about him after death, maybe the femur is some lasting thing this person did, maybe the narrator is reflecting on why this impacted him and not concerned with feeding you details on how a giant could exist? There are so many paths of exploration here and it's sad to see people toss it away because it didn't give them a shallow, immediate experience that much sub-standard film gives you.
Great stuff.
Just as in music, many people could have many interpretations, which is a good thing. I see this on three possible levels - 1) allegory of humans and beached whale or possibly the earth, 2) a commentary on society and how it reacts to an event., or 3) a consideration of a man's life upon death, and how people interact with that. I like this third one. Maybe the graffiti is things people say about him after death, maybe the femur is some lasting thing this person did, maybe the narrator is reflecting on why this impacted him and not concerned with feeding you details on how a giant could exist? There are so many paths of exploration here and it's sad to see people toss it away because it didn't give them a shallow, immediate experience that much sub-standard film gives you.
Great stuff.
The War of the Worlds
(2005 Video)
Holy cow.
18 July 2007
My current dream job would be to make films for the Sci Fi channel. Many of those are almost Ed Woodian in nature, but they KNOW it. They revel in it and make really cool bad films. Some are really not too bad.
This film is just awful. I feel bad for the production crew and cast unless they KNEW it was bad and were just doing it to cash in on the War of the Worlds name.
The pacing is the worst part of the whole thing. Unbelievably slow and tedious, there is just no excuse for it. There are excessive scenes of walking (as has been mentioned) that are laughable. Acting is quite bad, though to be fair I've seen much worse. The CGI is just downright ridiculous. Seriously, I think I may be able to buy something off the shelf and do it myself on my desktop better than many of the effects. Wow. The woman getting stomped on was a treat, as was the cart crash.
The music whether written for the film or not, sounds as if it was a 15 second bite from a canned CD and looped over and over.
You could go on and on, I could go on and on, but I won't. If you want to see a bad film for enjoyment, there are tons of others to see. This one is just a waste of time, and time is too valuable to waste on this.
While I have been a very serious film fan for decades, this is my very first review on this site. Mostly, it was written as a warning for others. 1/10 (because ANY film completed is worth 1)
This film is just awful. I feel bad for the production crew and cast unless they KNEW it was bad and were just doing it to cash in on the War of the Worlds name.
The pacing is the worst part of the whole thing. Unbelievably slow and tedious, there is just no excuse for it. There are excessive scenes of walking (as has been mentioned) that are laughable. Acting is quite bad, though to be fair I've seen much worse. The CGI is just downright ridiculous. Seriously, I think I may be able to buy something off the shelf and do it myself on my desktop better than many of the effects. Wow. The woman getting stomped on was a treat, as was the cart crash.
The music whether written for the film or not, sounds as if it was a 15 second bite from a canned CD and looped over and over.
You could go on and on, I could go on and on, but I won't. If you want to see a bad film for enjoyment, there are tons of others to see. This one is just a waste of time, and time is too valuable to waste on this.
While I have been a very serious film fan for decades, this is my very first review on this site. Mostly, it was written as a warning for others. 1/10 (because ANY film completed is worth 1)
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