DammitJeordie Reviews

Euphoria (2011 Video Game)

The worst visual novel I've ever had the misfortune to witness

[1/10 · 12 January 2024]

I was stupidly coerced into playing/watching this, and I feel nothing but shame I have sat through it. Definitely the worst visual novel I've ever had the misfortune to come across. There were moments where I had to stop this disturbed and sadistic mess of a story because of how disgusted I felt - it involved r*pe, p*dophilia, coprophagia - this made me feel nothing but abhorred and repulsed. I could not finish it in one day without projectile vomiting. And I've seen some horrible things, Saló, Or The 120 Days of S*d*m had a deeper story compared to this.

Everyone involved in the making of both this novel, and its hentai should feel thoroughly ashamed of themselves, be on some kind of watchlist, or be seeking strong psychological interference. I'm aware the subjects of r*pe and p*dophilia in Japan are nowhere near as unutterable compared to other countries - however, the existence of this is completely inexcusable.

Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975)

At least 3 times a week, this movie is quoted in my household.

[10/10 · 2 November 2022]

While all humor is subjective - Monty Python & The Holy Grail is regarded as one of the greatest movies of all time in my household.

My dad has introduced this genius piece of comedic work when I was a small boy - I fell off the couch and hit my head on the footstool because I was cackling so hard. When my dad first saw this movie in the theaters, he nearly fell off the seat from laughter - and this was during the opening credits (I'm talking about the credits where there are subtitles in broken English).

Now at age 26, it still has the same effect, and is certainly is a running gag in my house. "What is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?" "Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?" "No, I am Zoot's identical twin sister, Dingo!"

Annabelle (I) (2014)

Either laughing or groaning the entire time, unfortunately.

[1/10 · 2 November 2022]

My younger sister and I visited a movie theater during a family trip to New Hampshire, and while the trip was fun - this movie certainly wasn't. I'm not a fan of James Wan or "The Conjuring" universe, but my sister certainly is, and she did not want to visit a movie theater in a town she was not familiar with at all at around 9:00 PM - so as her responsible (and much larger plus intimidating-looking) older brother I went with her.

Both of us left the theater laughing. I'm not going to crucify James Wan because he was not the director of this mess of a film, but he does have a hand in the crime because he produced it. He's not the murderer nor did he plan the crime, but he did drop off the murderer at a location where the murderer could hide the body.

To Die For (2022 Video)

Would not even give it 10/10 stars if it was a satirical piece

[1/10 · 2 November 2022]

I could tell someone the movie would be good if you watched it as a satirical piece, but I would lying, because I can't even laugh at how painfully bad and misguided this film is (...if I can even call it a "film")

Knowing how much money Schneider owns, you would expect him to release a film with better sound and visual effects - no, I feel like my circle of friends created something that looked and sounded more professional when we were in community college, and this was a horror movie shot with iPhones and a few Bluetooth mics hidden under our shirts. Unfortunately the project was never released because we just lost interest (...uh, and one of us had to spend time in jail).

Story-wise, this movie is just flat and dull, and quite the waste of time. If you can push aside the political message the writer is shoving in your face like a towelette covered in feces, there's not a single character who is likable, or even acts in a realistic manner - meaning every "antagonist" is a straw-man created by conservative media. The "drama" isn't exactly drama at all - considering the fact the lead character is a man who will voluntarily die for a starred-and-striped fabric that's just the representation of the country you reside in. Speaking of the lead character, it is obvious the writer has adopted the far-right point of view of forcing nationalism on every citizen that walks on American soil, and the character is just a self-insert. Now I do not have a problem with movie/novel writers who base characters in their books or films off of real-life traits the writer has, (for example, the lead protagonist in a book I'm currently working on was a victim of childhood abuse, and has Autism Spectrum Disorder - like yours truly - and one of the main antagonists is a woman who abuses her position of power - like a teacher I had in year 6 of middle school). However, when it's so painfully obvious the lead character is a All-American-Badass the writer obviously wishes he could be, the story is just - and I hate using this term - Cringey.

If I could say one thing to Schneider: This isn't how patriotism works. To quote the late Jesse Ventura, a man who had actually served his country in Vietnam: "Governments should not mandate patriotism. Governments earn patriotism. Who mandated patriotism? The Germans in the 1930's." (...he is 100% correct, my grandmother who was born and raised in Nazi Germany can confirm that.)

Conclusion: This movie is a waste of time and money, even if you watch it as a joke. Don't make the same mistake I did. Watch "Saving Private Ryan", "Platoon", "Johnny Got His Gun", or "Inglorious Basterds" if you want to watch a film that reminds you to be thankful for the men, women, people who have put their lives on the line for the name of the United States of America; not this propagandist crap.

Schneider is a man who has lived an incredibly privileged life with money and fame and has not seen a single day of struggle - and it's exceptionally ironic he is still a simp for the political party that has recently attempted to shoot down a bill that would aid veterans who were exposed to toxic burn pits. 1/10 stars.