JuniorAndTwinsFanForLife Reviews

Happy Gilmore (1996)

The best Adam Sandler movie.

[10/10 · 20 May 2024]

Once upon a time, long before he cursed the world with so many horrendously atrocious movies, Adam Sandler was funny. In fact, the 90s was a constant stream of Adam Sandler classics -- "Big Daddy", "Billy Madison", "The Waterboy", and "The Wedding Singer" to name a few. If the 90s was Adam Sandler's gold crown, "Happy Gilmore" was the diamond on top.

I've spent the last 20 years repeating the so, so many memorable quotes from "Happy Gilmore". Here's a few of the best ones:

"You're in big trouble though, pal, I eat pieces of **** like you for breakfast!"

"Yeah, right. And Grizzly Adams had a beard." -- "Grizzly Adams did have a beard."

"Why don't I go eat some hay? I can make things out of clay, or lay by the bay. I just may. Whaddya say?"

"My fingers hurt." -- "Oh, well, now your back's gonna hurt, 'cause you just pulled landscaping duty. Anybody else's fingers hurt?... I didn't think so."

"Mr. Gilmore, Mr. Lafferty will be teeing off now." -- "Oh alright, good luck buddy." -- " ........... Get out of the way!"

"The price is wrong, *****."

Memorable quotes aside, I would be remiss if I didn't mention the jam-packed cast of exceptional co-stars. Bob Barker delivers an unforgettable cameo for the ages. Ben Stiller steals the spotlight as the sadistic orderly running the nursing home. Carl Weathers gives an Oscar-worthy performance as golf legend Chubbs Peterson. Most people associate Carl Weathers with his other roles like Apollo Creed from "Rocky" or Dillon from "Predator", but Chubbs trumps them both in my heart. And let's not leave out sports broadcaster Verne Lundquist (most well known for "NBA Live 98") who helps guide the audience with his unforgettable commentary.

Anyway, the movie ends with Happy winning the golden jacket then riding off into the sunset to give Virginia Venit a golden shower. "Happy Gilmore" is a classic 90s movie and in my opinion a flawless comedy. I don't have a single criticism for this movie. 10/10.

Liar Liar (1997)

I found him like this in the bathroom, your honor. Somebody beat the hell out of him!

[7/10 · 22 August 2023]

The best moment of "Liar Liar" is when Jim Carrey enters the elevator with the woman who just moved into his building. She tells Jim Carrey she likes the building so far and everybody's been real nice. Jim Carrey eloquently delivers his brilliant response: "Well, that's because you have big jugs." If you didn't laugh at this scene, you're not someone I want to be friends with.

Also, viewers will notice Jim Carrey's secretary is the same actress from "Mrs. Doubtfire" who shows up to inspect Robin Williamses' apartment. If you haven't already, you need to watch "Mrs. Doubtfire", another 1990's classic, particularly the scene where Robin Williams mashes his entire face into the cake then pops up his head from the refrigerator and exclaims "HelllooooooOOOOOO!!!"

The Day After Tomorrow (2004)

A must-see. Over and over again.

[10/10 · 22 April 2023]

The "Day After Tomorrow" starts with a visually stunning flyover of Antarctica and incredible stretches of ice that send immediate chills through your body. You come to a trio of scientists, who are thrust into danger within minutes; setting the tone for the rest of the movie and making it obvious you're in for a thrilling action-packed ride ahead.

Dennis Quaid plays Jack Hall, a climatologist who has seen the writing on the wall: winter is coming. As a series of catastrophic storms hit the planet, it's clear the world is on the brink of a new ice age. After alerting the government to the impending doom, Jack sets out on a trek across the country to save his son, Sam (Jake Gyllenhaal), who has been stranded in New York City by the storms.

The movie is a beautifully balanced blend of scientific explanation, nerve-wracking danger, and the power of love: a father's overwhelming love for his son, a new teenage romance, and even the bond between a homeless man and his dog. As they navigate the environmental dangers, the characters are caught in many tense situations, only briefly relieved by moments of comedy or affection. Live, laugh, love. Even in Crisis.

The movie has (mostly) remarkable visual effects that truly make the apocalypse feel real. From massive tornadoes and incredible hailstorms to giant tidal waves and entire cities overtaken by snow and ice; the stunning special effects are awe-inspiring. We just won't talk about the wolves.

Although the science may be questionable, it's believable and when combined with the impressive special effects and captivating performances, you're sure to be convinced and entertained. The Day After Tomorrow is a thought-provoking and thrilling must-see, over and over again.

Caveman (1981)

Light hearted fun with bobos.

[5/10 · 17 January 2023]

The movie sets the tone right away, opening on October 9th, One Zillion BC, with a group of cavemen sauntering crookedly about doing caveman stuff and grunting at each other. The next half hour is filled with more grunting, classic physical comedy, and no discernible language or direction. You'll find yourself wondering if there's a plot to this movie... Grab some 'ool', hop on 'macha', and 'kuda.'

Scrawny Atouk (Ringo Starr) is outcast from the tribe by the burly leader, Tonda (John Matuszak) for his desire to 'zug zug' with the bodacious cave babe, Lana (Barbara Bach). 'Lana nya zug zug Atouk.' He joins the already exiled Lar (Dennis Quaid), becoming the bestest of 'bobos', and are joined by the too-beautiful-to-be-a-cavewoman Tala (Shelley Long) and Gog (Jack Gilford), a dopey blind man. 'Tala alunda Atouk, Atouk nya alunda Tala, Atouk alunda Lana.' Atouk's lascivious desire for Lana propels the story through 'macha' fights, chiropractic discoveries, drugs, music, and 'haraka', and even a quick trip back to the ice age. 'Aiyee!'

Caveman is a light hearted joy to watch. It's a storyline as old as time that is chock-full of to-be-expected humor and punch lines. Don't expect it to be more than that or you'll be in for 'pooka'. Let your inner child enjoy.

Call Me Miss Cleo (2022)

Outlook Not So Good

[5/10 · 16 January 2023]

I'm what you would call a Miss Cleo superfan. Back in grade school my friends and I used to regularly participate in all the juiciest Miss Cleo playground rumors and gossip. We also used to quote Miss Cleo's commercials all the time with our best (worst) Jamaican accents.

My friend Cory was the only one in our group brave enough to actually call Miss Cleo. He told us he got spooked and hung up because some strange man answered the phone. A few weeks later Cory told us all he made a huge mistake and his parents blew a gasket because the Miss Cleo autodialer was calling their house in full force.

So as you might guess by now, as a Miss Cleo superfan, I became absolutely elated when I first learned about the "Call Me Miss Cleo" documentary. First I had to prepare myself. I took inventory of all my otherworldly possessions: my shaman beads, voodoo doll, crystal ball, Ouija board, snake oil, rabbit's foot, and Magic 8 Ball. With my spiritual paraphernalia at the ready, I was finally set to begin "Call Me Miss Cleo".

So imagine my immeasurable disappointment with this garbage heap of a documentary. First off, most of the people interviewed are hardly even connected to Miss Cleo. Why not interview Miss Cleo's relatives or her two biological children? Why not interview any of the actual victims who felt they were scammed out of tens of thousands of dollars?

Why does the documentary contain barely any new and interesting video footage of Miss Cleo? It mostly shows her commercials that are already publicly widespread. Why not do the tiniest bit of research and include photos and videos that the general public hasn't already seen to make for a more exclusive and compelling documentary? The only neat thing the documentary uncovered is Miss Cleo's old yearbook photo, and you can tell the filmmakers were super proud of that one because they recycled it half a dozen times!

The editing is also amateur at best. There's a scene where an interviewee talks about Miss Cleo's childhood and for some reason these extraordinarily unfitting demons are shown that have no relation to anything? And why are there so many random shots of trees during transitions?

The absolute crux of the entire Miss Cleo saga is without a doubt the FTC charges against Access Resource Services and Psychic Readers Network. The victims, the lawyers, the drama -- why was this barely expanded upon? This was a landmark half BILLION dollar settlement and y'all decided to gloss over it and pad the documentary with the small and uninteresting stories nobody really cares about, whose decision was that?

Just like calling a psychic hotline, "Call Me Miss Cleo" left me with more questions than answers. This documentary had the potential to be something really entertaining and nostalgic for everyone who grew up with Miss Cleo, and instead we got a low-effort, low-budget, low-researched product. If you're wanting to learn anything about Miss Cleo, skip this documentary and just read her Wikipedia page instead. I'm rating this a 5/10 only because Miss Cleo still has a special place in my childhood heart, but I am doing so begrudgingly.

Die Hard (1988)

Yippee-ki-yay, Mr. Falcon

[9/10 · 14 January 2023]

"Die Hard" is one of the greatest action movies of all time and the best Christmas movie ever made. There is an ongoing debate as to whether or not "Die Hard" is actually a Christmas movie, which is complete nonsense because it very obviously is and anyone who thinks otherwise is wrong. There are only two Christmas traditions I have every year. One is to drink a tall glass of eggnog. The second is to watch "Die Hard".

The characters in "Die Hard" are exceptionally intriguing and engaging. Bruce Willis is as handsome as ever as he slowly loses more and more clothing throughout the movie. I wish the same could also be said for some of the female characters, but whatever. Anyway, Bruce Willis plays John McClane, a cop from New York City, who finds himself at a Christmas party atop a Los Angeles skyscraper when a group of terrorists suddenly take everyone hostage. John McClane is so badass that people actually voted for the 2008 presidential candidate John McCain solely because the two shared similar names.

Hans Gruber, the main antagonist, is portrayed perfectly by the late Alan Rickman. Alan Rickman flawlessly captures every attribute that makes Hans Gruber an S-Tier villain: he's calculated, precise, commanding, intimidating, and charismatic. Hans Gruber serves as a complete juxtaposition against John McClane, who by contrast, is an honest, working-class everyman.

The guy who played Carl Winslow in "Family Matters" is also in "Die Hard". His best scene is when he buys a bunch of Twinkies at a convenience store and tells the cashier they're for his pregnant wife, but later on it's revealed Twinkies are his favorite snack. I see a lot of myself in Carl Winslow because I also enjoy many foods I'm too embarrassed to admit to, like children's Lunchables or pretty much anything from Taco Bell.

On top of the stellar characters, the story is very interesting and exciting. The pacing is excellent and the movie is jam-packed with action that continuously keeps the audience on the edge of their seat in anticipation of what will happen next. There are flashy stunts, massive explosions, and incredible visual effects. There are never any dull moments in "Die Hard" and the movie does not contain any scenes that overstay their welcome.

However, "Die Hard" is not without its shortcomings. Although the story is mostly well-written, it pains me to admit that the story can be too unrealistic at times. For instance, there is a scene where one of the terrorists is killed -- like he is undoubtedly, without question, 100% dead. Then later on the terrorist magically springs back to life so he can be taken out again by Carl Winslow. It's upsetting the writers felt they had to compromise the believability of the story in order to complete Carl's story arc. It's the only criticism of an otherwise perfect movie.

"Die Hard" is a fantastic movie that has stuck with me throughout the years. It tells an exciting story, has memorable characters, and is packed full of action and special effects. It also inspired the classic 1996 Leslie Nielsen parody movie "Spy Hard", but that's another review for another day. "Die Hard" is a solid 9/10 and easily the best Christmas movie ever made.

Flubber (1997)

"You're in big trouble though, pal. I eat pieces of **** like you for breakfast!"

[5/10 · 22 November 2022]

Robin Williams is a comedic genius, but this is one of his more forgettable films. He's an extraordinary talent, but his character in "Flubber" just lacks that charming, classic Robin Williams magic.

The antagonists are also quite lacking. There's a duo of two doofus goons, a derivative plot device used in almost every kids movie from the 90's. The standout villain is the guy who plays Shooter McGavin. I don't know his real name, but in this movie he steals the show by trying to pull up on Robin Williams's girl in typical Shooter McGavin style.

One notable scene is when Robin Williams throws an apple at the back of Shooter McGavin's head. The scene pays homage to several years prior when Robin Williams threw the lime at the back of Pierce Brosnan's head in "Mrs. Doubtfire".

Anyway, speaking of people getting hit in the head, you'll notice this is an overly recurring antic. Everyone keeps getting hit in the head with something: golf balls, bowling balls, basketballs, apples, punches, kicks, it just goes on and on. It was funny the first few times but after the 27th instance it becomes tiresome and lazy.

Overall "Flubber" is an unremarkable Robin Williams film. 5/10. Stick with "Mrs. Doubtfire" or "Happy Gilmore".

Bloodsport (1988)

"Bloodsport": The only review you need to read for the only movie you need to watch.

[10/10 · 27 October 2022]

"Bloodsport" is, without hyperbole, the greatest film of all time. I cannot fathom how anyone can rate this classic 1980's masterpiece less than a 10/10. Everything about this movie, including its flaws, is perfect.

Let's start with an S-tier roster of the most badass alpha males that make even "The Expendables" look like amateurs in comparison. Spearheading the squad is Frank Dux, portrayed by 'The Muscles from Brussels' himself Jean-Claude God Damme, who quickly wins the audience over with his handsome looks and charisma. Other standout characters include Ray Jackson, Hossein, Paco, and even the guy who fights using monkey-style martial arts. These mesomorphic hunks with their rock hard bodies remind us all that legends aren't made in the gym, it comes from something deep within: synthetic anabolic chemicals unintended for human use.

And we haven't even gotten to Chong Li yet, who is without a doubt the single greatest antagonist in the history of film. He has the strength of a gorilla, the gaze of a lion, and the breasts of a woman. Chong Li is a ruthless, brutal, savage, merciless killer. He is the paragon of "less is more" -- his silence impeccably adds to his sadistic bloodlust more than any dialogue could.

However, the movie isn't just all over-the-top masculine characters. Agent Helmer and Agent Rawlins are two goofballs that look like they take their lattes with extra soy. Victor Lin is also a bit on the androgynous side, but he's just there trolling so he gets a pass.

Every actor in "Bloodsport" magnificently delivers every single one of their lines with remarkable conviction and believability. Also, their comically overexaggerated facial expressions provide even further immersion.

Another highlight of the movie is its excellent music. The standout track is "Fight to Survive" which is so badass it will guaranteed make you want to bring honor to your Shidoshi. The biggest shame is that the movie wasn't even nominated for the Oscar award that year for Best Original Score. I looked it up and that award was given to "The Milagro Beanfield War", a movie absolutely nobody has ever heard of. "Bloodsport" was the obvious frontrunner to sweep the 1988 Oscar awards in most categories, but instead it didn't even receive one single nomination, what a joke.

Anyway, "Bloodsport" is a martial arts classic and a must-watch for every man, woman, and children of all ages. I would rate 100 stars if I could but IMDb only allows up to 10.

Mrs. Doubtfire (1993)

HelllooooooOOOOOO!!!

[8/10 · 15 October 2022]

Let's get down to brass tacks. Mrs. Doubtfire contains one of the greatest comedic moments in the history of cinema. It's the scene where Robin Williams mashes his entire face into the cake then pops up his head from the refrigerator and exclaims "HelllooooooOOOOOO!!!" It's well worth watching the entire movie just for this short moment of impeccable timing and brilliance. Honorable mention also goes to the scene where Pierce Brosnan gets hit in the back of his head with a lime. I could have sworn it was an orange, but that's the Mandela Effect for you. Anyway, I digress. Mrs. Doubtfire is a solid 8/10.