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Thor il conquistatore (1983)
The Birdman was Dio
This is a strangely compelling movie to me. Thor, the title character, is supposedly "descended from the God of Thunder," but he has many, MANY setbacks along his path to fatherhood and...well, something.
First off, Thor's wig is complete garbage. I mean, seriously. Give us all a break. Why not do a weave or something? Just embarrassing. Regardless, this visual problem has nothing to do with the script. The script has its moments. ***SPOILERS*** Thor starts off as the beneficiary of his slain father's adviser, the bird-mage Etna (which means "screech owl" and explains his aviary obsession) who schools him in the wicked ways of the world. Along the road to manhood, Etna plays "Greek Chorus" to the movie and interacts with the viewer beyond the "Fourth Wall." Not that it does much good. Etna is also played by the actor Luigi Mezznotte who looks amazingly like Heavy Metal god Ronnie James Dio (and like Thom Christopher)!!!!
Along the way, Thor runs into a group of female virgin warriors who he rapidly kills and then rapes the last survivor (Ina, played by the gorgeous Maria Romano). This may be why some people do not like this movie. Nonetheless, the rape survivor is impregnated and Thor states that she will "give birth to the harvest that is children." Or something.
Anyway, Ina forgives Thor his transgression and serves as a deft partner to the murderer/rapist, even training the lame-o villagers who hail Thor as messianic figure only to turn their back on him in his ("His"?) hour of need. Thor's birdman buddy (again, Spoilers!) calls the Deity to help him out and Thor is back in action on his newly created animal (later to be known as a horse, in a segment that blew the minds of previous reviewers) with his old man's sword and gets two things: 1.) REVENGE! and 2.) a son by Ina, his raped/menaced/micro-agressioned/trigger-worded female consort.
Everybody is smiling and Thor planted some magic grain and it is the end.
Listen, you could do a heck of a lot worse than this movie. I consider it a relatively realistic slice of "Sword and Sandal" life. As ABBA once sang, "The Winner Takes It All" and while Thor the character loses more than he wins in this movie, in the end he takes the prize, and that -to these film-makers and to this reviewer-- is all that matters. Grandine Thor!!!!!! Bellissimo!
Attentato ai tre grandi (1967)
Drags in Parts, But a Lot of Fun!
"Desert Commandos" is the story of a group of five German commandos who are air-dropped into North Africa during WW2 in a desperate attempt to assassinate the Allied Supreme Commanders at a conference in Morocco.
I enjoyed this movie. It does drag in some parts, especially in the desert marching scenes, but it is nearly eclipsed by its on-location locales. Oases (plural of oasis), camel chases and various ancient fortifications that the Germans encounter along the way are simply gorgeous and definitely lend the film an air of authenticity. The ladies they encounter are easy on the eyes as well.
Great action sequences including a rooftop chase in Casablanca, the aforementioned camel chase scene and a final...well, don't want to get reported for spoilers, but the action sequences are well staged and exciting.
The ending seemed very tacked on, almost as if there was a more "downbeat" ending that was replaced for some reason. Regardless, I like the ending as it stands, but it was very abrupt and not in the style of the rest of the film. Regardless, this was a good attempt to introduce audiences to the feelings of the "other side" in WW2. BTW Horst Frank (who plays Wolf) looks almost exactly like Christoph Waltz. Really uncanny! This film is definitely worth a watch.
Bubba Ho-Tep (2002)
BubbaHo-Tep: Awful and Not in a Good Way
Picking up the jacket of this DVD in the video store, I was intrigued. Having watched this sorry excuse for a comedy/ horror movie I think a medal should be given to the guy who designed the jacket and has lured to their doom other unsuspecting viewers. The premise of the film is potentially interesting... and I bet that's what poor Bruce Campbell thought when he signed up for this project. But, Bruce, buddy... you picked a stinker with this one.
This must be the worst directed film I have ever had the displeasure of seeing. Badly paced, wooden performances, awkwardly shot, weird music, and even horrible locations: almost the entire movie takes place in a condemned old hospital.
I could go on for another ten lines and tell you in detail about certain indelible moments from the film, such as the dialogue "The Big E" spouts regarding his genital sores and the bodily orifice through which BubbaHo sucks out people's souls, but this film just isn't worth the bother. Anyone who hates wasting money should stay far away from this stinker.
The Green Hornet (2011)
One Heck of a FUN Ride! Highly Recommended!!!!
First off, I want to note two things: first, that I am a fan of the '66 Green Hornet TV show and second, I have never seen one of Seth Rogan's films in the theater. I've seen parts of "40 Year Old Virgin" and "Pineapple Express" on cable, but that's the extent of delving into the Rogan oeuvre.
The first notation above is why I wanted to see "The Green Hornet" movie. As a fan of the old show (and the character) I have to say that I was really impressed with the love that this movie showed the Hornet. From an homage to the "outlaw" Hornet mask of the '40's (worn by the Hornet in his first bumbling outing in this movie) to an exact reproduction of the gas gun from the '66 series; the producers really did their homework.
This movie was so much fun; a very focused, overarching concept held together with detailed character interaction and excellent pacing. I was never bored, never confused, never wondering when a certain part of the movie would end. Instead, I found myself really on the edge of my seat waiting for the next development and this movie never disappointed.
I've seen a lot of super-hero movies, but never one that has deals with the concept of side-kicks like "The Green Hornet." Kato is his own man, really the driving force behind the Hornet, but the movie raises the question of how Kato deals with his portrayal by the general public, especially in the light of how the Hornet's fame changes Kato's relationship with the Hornet.
I don't have the time or the space to get into everything I enjoyed about this almost two hour thrill-ride, but I would recommend it to ANYONE who loved "Iron-Man" or the first two "Spider-Man" movies. SO much fun and I can only hope that there will be a sequel in few years!!!!!!
Black Christmas (2006)
"Goodbye Shirley" Indeed....
Glen Morgan and James Wong gained notoriety by writing a few good episodes of the 90's TV sensation "The X-Files." Their later collaborative efforts on the show (notably, the episode "Kin") were not up to the same standards as their earlier work, but they soldiered on, running the show into the ground. Flash-forward to the the first decade in the 21st century and horror movie remakes have become an easy way for a studio to turn a buck. The Christmas holiday is a well-known "money" weekend for movies; people are stuck with little to do and often go see movies to relieve the boredom. Put "those guys who did stuff on X-Files" on a remake of a horror movie that is set during Christmas and release it on Christmas Eve....how could it go wrong, right? Well, it did go wrong and it pulls the X-Files legacy down with it.
Morgan and Wong produced this mess and Morgan "wrote" the script and directed the movie, which is just sad. Fans of the X-Files will notice a similar feel in certain scenes, but any similarity ends at the visual level as this movie is a poorly executed mess. You will also notice several homages to the X-Files: the yellow-skinned antagonist being one, the obsession with eye injury being another and finally, the in-breeding. What is it with Morgan and Wong and inbreeding? Regardless, "Black Christmas" is an ugly, boring mess that grinds on inexorably to its conclusion. It's a shame that a cast filled with talented, gorgeous young women like Katie Cassidy, Michelle Trachentenberg and Mary Elizabeth Winstead have no better lines than "F___ Christmas!" and "Christmas sucks!" but I guess that's what happens when a movie is churned out by two guys who hit their stride with "Jose Chung's from Outer Space" and that was....what? 1997?
Big Bad Wolf (2006)
Over the top and not in a good way .
I usually rave about crappy movies in my reviews, but this one disturbed me more than most others. Not because of the violence, which was as over the top as one might expect, but because of the implication that sexual violence against women is somehow humorous. Unlike other horror movies with a high boob and body count, the writer of this movie (Lance W. Dreesen) never misses an opportunity to completely degrade and dehumanize the female characters. A disturbing, repeated theme is how sexual violence perpetrated against women is mocked by a "joke" from the werewolf character. For instance, one of the throwaway sorority girls in the opening sequence is revealed to be a virgin; this seemingly unnecessary plot thread is brought to fruition after she is raped by the werewolf before her throat is ripped out during the rape. After this despicable act, the werewolf taunts her boyfriend about the rape, remarking, "she ain't a virgin anymore!" Another example: the lead female character, Sam, is revealed to be in love with the lead male character Derek. This seemingly innocent plot thread is exploited when she is forced to perform oral sex on Derek's evil step-dad. Of course, evil step-dad tells Derek all about it and remarks, "you ain't tapped that yet?" Don't let my description of these acts of sexual violence make you think that the acts are graphically depicted. For the most part, the sex is implied rather than revealed, but the characters discuss sex in a graphic way. I suppose it's all meant to reveal the main point of the movie, namely answering the question: "what would happen if an evil s.o.b. was a werewolf?" This movie certainly answers that question again and again, probably well beyond most viewers' willingness to watch it all.
In summation, there's so much ugliness in this movie that it's hard to find a bright spot. The concept of a talking, taunting werewolf is interesting, but I would have liked to see it utilized in a manner different from that described above. Kimberly J. Brown is really excellent as Sam and Trevor Duke does a good job as wimpy Derek. Richard Tyson does his best Jack Nicholson impersonation as Mitchell Toblat ("Talbot" spelled backwards), which really isn't much of a complement. I really hope that "Big, Bad Wolf" is the first and last movie made with this cast of characters. I dread seeing what writer Lance W. Dreesen could come up with to try to top the sexual violence and hatred present in this movie.
Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2 (2000)
Love The First Thirty Minutes! The Rest...Ugh...
I love the first thirty minutes of this movie. I like the characters, the feel of things, the way the story is developing and the constant use of the soundtrack. Then, as the movie winds its way into "scare" mode, things start to stall and finally come to a screeching halt. But back to the good points. Kim Director is excellent as "Kim Diamond" the goth empath. I also liked Erika Leerhsen as overbearing "Wiccan Hottie" and Jeffery Donovan as the slightly crazy Jeff Patterson (In an homage to the first Blair Witch, the main characters have the same names as the actors portraying them). Tristan Skyler and Stephen B. Turner have taken a lot of flack on here for their portrayals of a researcher and his fiancé, but they do the best with what they are given: the "serious" roles in the group of four people taking the inaugural trip on Jeff's "Blair Witch Hunt" tour of Burkittsville, MD, home of the Blair Witch. Look for product placement galore: Shinerbock beer, Pete's Wicked Ale, Moosehead Beer. The scenes at the convenience store are hilarious: the store only sells the above three beers! Also, the weird little hidden things that the DVD touts as the "Secrets of ESREVER!" are interesting to try to find.
The next two thirds of the movie is awful and not in a funny way. I never stop being disappointed in what I see. Much has been made of the movie "operating at a higher level" than a horror movie or suffering from its relationship to the original Blair Witch movie. Nothing could be further from the truth. This movie was promoted as a "real life" documentary that had to be altered slightly to avoid a lawsuit from the families of the victims. There was a made for TV movie called "Shadow of the Bliar Witch" released just before BW2 that played this up to the hilt: in it footage of the "REAL" Jeff Patterson and his "REAL" tour group are spliced in with "REAL" news footage from Burkittsville, etc., all in an attempt to make the viewer believe that BW2, like BW1, was based on real events. So, everything was set up to make a movie IN the "Blair Witch Mythos," but something bad happened along the way. It's my opinion that writer/ director Joe Berlinger really dropped the ball in his work on this movie and he proves it in his comments in the DVD booklet. He goes on and on about his "vision", etc., etc. and finally makes the statement that with BW2 he has "embraced ambiguity." In other words, he doesn't know what it means either. Well, that might be a good thing when one is describing their 12th grade charcoal drawing for art class, but it's not enough when one is attempting to justify screwing up what could have been a great movie.