e_barker Reviews

In the Tall Grass (2019)

Good move not scary

[6/10 · 5 October 2019]

I mean it's a pretty typical time and apace altering environment type film. It's not very scary at all, a couple of sort of jump scares but nothing that gory or scary.

Splice (2009)

This film is horrible

[1/10 · 13 June 2010]

So Many things went wrong with this movie. One, a high-tech lab where there are NO cameras in the "secure" areas. I mean seriously are we supposed to believe that there were no cameras in the room with the multi-million dollar piece of equipment (fake uterus) was. Also, about that they break a multi-million dollar piece of equipment (smash it) and no one even asks what happened to it. They end up moving Dren into the basement (where no one goes), because yea maintenance and janitorial employees ever go into areas where maintenance and janitorial things are stored. OK, but those are minor things. How about we look at how Adrian Brody/Sarah Polley characters changed so quickly without explanation. Adrian Brody starts out thinking they need to kill Dren, then he thinks no we need to take care of it, and then near the end he says "the experiment's over we no longer have an obligation to the specimen" none of those transitions are ever explained they just happen. Sarah Polley's character does the same thing only in reverse. She starts off wanting to take care of Dren, then after Dren kills the cat she goes all kinds of crazy and wants to kill Dren and then she goes back to wanting to take care of Dren and then at the very end she wants to kill it again. Now, I guess we can say that she turns on Dren because of the abuse her mother did to her, although we are never told that not even a damn flash-back scene. Also, why did Adrian Brody have sex with Dren, it was not needed and in the scene right before that we see that she has no vagina (so we will call it Comic Book Magic. Next, they are supposed to be brilliant scientist, but they fail to notice that every single time there is a change in Dren she "Dies" for a bit. In the fake uterus machine she dies and then comes out, she gets drowned and dies and then develops the aqua-lungs. So they really don't see that come on. Finally, there is NO moral, I mean I guess the moral is go ahead and screw around with nature and when it kills everything that you love and rapes you, don't worry go ahead and screw around with nature some by selling your rape creature. I mean the sex scene was totally un-needed but the rape scene was just sick, and then on top of that to find out that she is just money hungry woman at the end. When she said "What's the worst thing that can happen", I totally wanted the camera to pan outside and see the whole city on fire. This movie was horrible, it was horribly written and horribly put together. I am sadden that people actually found this movie to be good.

In a Dark Place (2006)

bad yet weird

[3/10 · 20 March 2008]

The plot of this film is pretty simple. A woman works at a private school where she is doing poorly, so her boss is going to fire her, but tries to come on to her. He later calls her and says not to tell anybody and for not telling her gets her a new job working for a rich guy who hates his brothers family. Anyway she goes out to this kick-ass house and starts to take care of the kids. Weird stuff happens, and she thinks it is the ghost of the former nanny etc. However, it is implied that it is all in her head and she is going crazy. We find out that she was molested as a kid (while eating a candy apple and then after a guy rapes her he gives her a lolly pop). Anyway it is also implied that she is having sex with (or molesting) the little boy. Since she is always flashing her boobs everywhere and wearing inappropriate clothing that barely covers her boobs. Then she hold the boy in a scene and tells him that she would do ANYTHING to make him happy, and then he turns out the light. The best part of this movie was the boobs, I wish there was more and more sex scenes, but sorry there is not.

Thirteen (2003)

way over rated

[4/10 · 20 March 2008]

Well I watched this movie mainly because I am a huge fan of Holly Hunter films. Well if I was her I would want my name taken off the credits. This film was just blablabla. The whole idea behind the plot is dumb. Yes I know some kids do crazy things to fit in or to experiment with sex, I did. But I mean the whole thing was taken way out of control, I mean I know the idea is to "scare kids straight", but this film would never do that. Why is it most movies on lifetime are about beating your wife, teen sex, or aids. This movie would have been a lot better if there was a lot more sex and blow-jobs, and if the two girls would have had a threesome with the neighbor, and if they would have been older so my erection would have not been illegal.

AVH: Alien vs. Hunter (2007 Video)

Amazing if you want to die

[1/10 · 20 March 2008]

Well my friends and I like to rent horrible horror movies ever weekend and MST3K them. This movie caught our eye because we are big fans of the Alien series and the Predator series and the AVP movies. This movie which is a rip-off of AVP (the box even says AVH), in the same font style. But we watched it anyway, the movie was horrible. In one scene they are running through a tunnel system and when they come out it is just an overpass and you can see right through the "tunnel". Funny movie if you like making fun of movies, not nearly enough boobs. The thing I really love about these movies is the behind the scenes stuff were the Asylum people say that they are NOT ripping this off and they are just re-telling an old story that has been around for generations.

Gag (2006 Video)

Horrible

[1/10 · 20 March 2008]

My friends and I rented this movie to make fun of it. Well first off I don't get into films that useless torture people for no real reason or for the stupid "you have to have regard for life" reason. That is just a bunch or crap. The truth is this film was poorly written and poorly directed, this film would have been better as a porn. If the movie was just a chick giving head to her brother, at least we could be masturbating. But instead we are stuck with a movie that just has no point. The whole idea that two people would so want the money that they would stay in a house with a dude tied up on a mattress. So yea I just wish there was more oral pleasuring and less of everything else.

Highlander: The Source (2007 TV Movie)

Dear god it's the Source, kind of

[1/10 · 20 September 2007]

OK well here it goes a list of things that was wrong with this movie: 1. Ducean's wife is an immortal, but doesn't know it. She was there 100's of years ago with the fat monk and the guardian (when they were both cursed), but somehow she doesn't remember this or the fact that she is an immortal.

2. The future collapsed, most likely to cover-up the fact that it would be impossible to be an immortal today (with computer records of all births and deaths and property taxes and property transfers), however cell phones still work, and there are still expensive cars.

3. The source is F*cking. OK this was really really weird. So we never know what the source is, but it gives you a gift of being able to have sex with your wife up against a tree and have a baby. The problem is that ANY immortal who gets near the source looses their immortal status and therefore can have sex and get women pregnant. So the moral of the story is if you want the gift of the source (but not the source itself) make sure you are the first immortal to get close enough to it and have some wild (if very crappy looking) sex.

4. Why is it that the McClouds almost all are immortal. Immortal's can not have kids, and it is not passed on gene wise. So why does this one family always get them.

5. Ohh, by the way in the first movie Conor becomes the last immortal so none of this would have ever happened.

6. Much worse than the second movie where they all turned out to be aliens (somehow without remembering it or having kids).

Hobgoblins (1988)

Well it could be worse, I could be dead

[2/10 · 5 September 2007]

So we are supposed to believe that a movie studio is keeping super mutant "hobgoblins" in a "vault" that is left open all the time, and has only a small metal screen stopping them from getting out. Let's go on to say that there is no real female lead in the movie all the chicks are huge sluts, and the one girl who you think is "normal" is really a sex starved slut (who likes to be spanked hard), as you find out in her fantasy section. The acting is horrible, the plot is not there, the best part is the crazy old guard, the whole time I was watching him train the "hero" the "hero" would ask a question and I would just say "who cares young punk you're going to die soon, ohh my yes very soon." Funny, but not good.

Daddy Day Camp (2007)

The director must have been high

[1/10 · 5 September 2007]

OK look we all know studios love sequels, just look at how Disney whores out its stuff, they make money, usually. This time however the studio and the director could get no one from the original movie to come back. I think the preview was funny when it said "from the studio that brought you Daddy Day Care", like the studio ever really matters. That's like saying, "Yea we made that one and then we made Bikini Sluts 9", since studios make a wide variety of movies. Anyway, OK so you want to make a sequel and you can't get anyone from the original, they why would you use the same character names. I mean what are we supposed to think that people morphed overnight. We aren't talking about like one minor actor decided not to come back, no one would even be associated with the film, not even for a brief walk-on.

Who's Your Caddy? (2007)

Wow, what crap

[1/10 · 5 September 2007]

I hope that the people of the world are tired of racist movies that serve no purpose whatsoever. This movie insults black people and actually makes white people look good ( I never thought I'd be saying that). But it does, it makes everyone think that all black people are mentally unable to handle even basic tasks. So it gets a 1 for being racists towards blacks. As far as the plot, if this was pre 1985 when the supreme court ruled that golf courses must be open to anyone who can afford them, it hasn't been an issue. So to assume that there is a golf course out there in a fantasy world where black people are not allowed in is the most ridiculous thing I can think off. The sad part is there were a couple of good actors in this movie, but when you are working with crap you can't fix it no matter who you put in the movie.

Trapped in the Closet: Chapters 13-22 (2007 Video)

Crappy, but funny

[1/10 · 5 September 2007]

For R. Kelly to have ever said that this steaming pile would be better than Thriller was the second worse thing he has done (next to peeing on a little girl while she cried for her mother). In the second installment of "Chapters" we start off right after the encounter with the Midget "Big Man"m but everyone has on totally different clothes so for the first few minutes you will think you are in a different "movie". Once again R. Kelly using stereotypes way off the scale (black people, black preacher, pimp, Italian mafia, southern white chick, etc.) While none of the characters are remotely believable, the story is very funny. No one in the world would act this way, but the fact that it is sooo off the wall makes it funny. You learn that everyone may have a "package" which is most likely AIDS given R. Kelly's hatred of the gay community. In the final scene people are being called because the "might" have gotten the "package" from Chuck and Rufus. Odds are most of them do not have the "package" since they may have not had sex with a sub-partner of chuck and rufus, or they may have used protection. On a final note it is funny that this is sold with music videos when the only music during all 22 chapters is the same 4 bongs repeated over and over (that is not music), and since nothing in the videos has ever been sung, it is just R. Kelly talking, and the fact that they were too cheap to use over voices over than just R. Kelly's makes it even funnier.

Transformers (2007)

Great movie

[10/10 · 3 July 2007]

I will admit that I am not a huge fan of Transformer, I watched the show as a kid and enjoyed it but I am not a huge fan like some that I know. However, I was very interested to see the new film. I have to say that it is, without a doubt, the best film I have seen all summer. The effects were great, the dialog was there. I say poo poo to all of you who said that Optimus paint job change would ruin everything, you were dead wrong. The film does what few films can, it combines action, sci-fi, horror (with Megatron who's with me evil as hell), romance, and comedy. You get all great movie idea rolled into one package. I have to say that everyone stood and cheered and clapped when the film was over, it was cool. There were parts when I almost cried (and I'll admit it I cried when Optimus died in the first movie). It was also by far one of the best film viewing experiences I have ever had. The crowd was pumped and there to be entertained.

Transmorphers (2007 Video)

It was made to be serious, sadly enough

[1/10 · 3 July 2007]

TO be honest I was hoping that this film would have been done in fun, but it was not. Leigh Scott has got to be one of the worst film makers ever. First the sound was out of sync (like a bad Godzilla movie) for like half of the film. There was no attempt to edit this out. Also, there is almost never any weapons fire coming out of the guns used during the film. There is basically no plot, and what plot attempt there is was thrown together at the last minute (like the guy being a robot or the fact that he had to go kill the evil machines himself, even though they kept putting that part off). Also, there are (as with all Leigh Scott films) massive errors. First the box says that it has been 300 since the machines took over (the movie says 400 years). Second, in the "making of" special feature you find out that the female general (who is gay married) was really supposed to be a male character they changed it at the last minute and did not re-write the part. Third, you hear the actors talk about what a great movie it was and how the "special" effects where the best ever. Also, there is a music video in the special features, which shows a band which by the way all the main characters are in the band. One of the best parts of Asylum films it the un-holy acting talent (as if) their actors have. The sad part is I know that basically everyone out there could make a better film. This film is second worst only to Ax 'Em

From Justin to Kelly (2003)

From Justin to HELL!!!!

[1/10 · 25 May 2007]

OK, so I really didn't want to see this movie but a friend of mine told me it was sooooo bad it was funny. Let's start with the fact that the dancing was f***ing horrible, I mean come on a bunch of kids moving their arms a cruise ship filled with 80 years olds is more exciting. What little time Justin and Kelly are together on screen their acting is sooo faked, they don't even seem to be friends. And what the f*** is up with the scene where they think that having a hover-craft battle is a good idea. Then of course in their acting wasn't fake enough, there was their friends who were even faker. I mean the fact that Kelly's "lifelong" friend would try to steal Justin, who no one even likes, from Kelly by convincing him that Kelly is a horrible person. I mean the movie just went from bad to worse. I found myself trying to find better things to do with my time. The best idea I had was to light my face on fire. I was very funny, but the sad thing is it was supposed to be serious. The movie was made for 12 years olds who have no idea what a good movie is. One final note, Movies like this are the only reason we do not have a cure for cancer.

The Invisible (2007)

This movie was nothing like the trailer

[1/10 · 28 April 2007]

First of all the kid did NOT die, he was in a coma. Second of all the preview said he had a girlfriend and it showed him laying in bed with a girl. In the movie that girl is the one who "killed" him (really just beat him up). There was no mystery as to who did it, he (and the audience) know who did it. Also, the creepy old guy in the preview who told him if he solved the mystery of his death he could have a chance to live again, that was not in the movie at all. Plus it would not have made any sense at all, because he was NOT dead, he did NOT have to solve a mystery, and the only way to get his "soul" back into his body was to have the girl who beat him up come to the hospital and cry a lot. One of the worst movies ever made, but not as bad as Ax'Em.