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Reviews
Dazed and Confused (1993)
Tedious and Boring
From all the hype I've heard, I really expected more from this movie. It was like a high school play written and performed by the special ed. class. Each actor is so wooden, you'd think they were reading from cue cards and focusing on pronouncing the next word rather than being convincing. There is no story, really, and Linklater's portrayal of high school is utterly retarded. Maybe it's just been too long but I sure don't remember being taunted with hollow threats like, "I'm gonna make this next year hell for you, FRESHMAN!" That's the kind of thing you ONLY hear in extremely stupid movies and television shows. More than likely, this movie gained it's popularity from illiterate stoners and such, but in all reality, this movie sucked, and Richard Linklater should be nominated for every Razzie for the next ten years.
The Giant Spider Invasion (1975)
The Giant, Furry VW Beetle Invasion
Once upon a time in Wisconsin, in a small town where Alan Hale is the sheriff (Oh! the horrors!), a strange fireball comes down from another dimension and releases giant spiders. At least, that's what was supposed to happen. Actually, some really horrible characters meander around and a VW Beetle with a big fuzzy shell on it drives around. Not much of a story, and the acting is tremendously bad, so director Bill Rebane makes up for it with...nothing. This has to be one of the worst pseudo-horror films ever made, and that is what makes it fun to watch, with the protection of Mystery Science Theatre 3000, of course. As a serious horror film, 0 out of 5.
Laserblast (1978)
Eat me, Leonard Maltin...
Yes, anyone who saw the MST3K version is aware that Leonard Maltin gave Laserblast two and a half stars, and this simply proves that he is insane. Now, the film itself centers on Billy, a young man who looks like he has problems with heroin and shirt buttons. Billy is sort of taunted by Sherrif Fuzzy Marshmallow, then Eddie Deezen & Co., so he goes to the desert. Seems logical. Upon arrival in the desert, Billy finds a laser gun that was left behind by two turtles minus shells. Billy soon begins destroying things, and Bill Bixby shows up in town. Billy's thinner than life girlfriend insists Billy go to Dr. Roddy McDowall, and the good doctor removes a lump of metal from his chest and calls a Lenscrafter technician.
Confused yet?
Don't bother trying to understand what's going on in this movie, it will just make your head hurt. No good acting, I don't even think it was directed, and written by a chimp with ADD. Do not watch without the safety net of MST3K. 1/10
The Beast of Yucca Flats (1961)
When a movie stops being a movie...
...and begins being something more like watching a worm farm in ultra-slow motion. Coleman Francis proves himself as the most incompetent filmmaker in history, even blasting the likes of Ed Wood, Bill Rebane, Ted V. Mikels, and Ray Dennis Steckler from any prospect of being considered "Worst Director Of All-Time", like it's a coveted title. The film begins with Tor Johnson and Francis' usual stable of actors wandering around without a point, then a nuclear bomb goes off. Everyone is killed except Tor, who is turned into a murderous zombie-type thing with acne. There is some spotty narration, but it makes no sense, then a family shows up and quickly the two children wander off into the desert. I won't give away the ending (what a joke that is when I write it down), but I assure you, it's not thrilling. Worth a watch to see truly amateurish filmmaking. How did this get so many votes of 10?
Girl in Gold Boots (1968)
Quite funny, but not on purpose...
Of course, any film which contains endless (and pointless) scenes of scantily-clad dancers mincing around is not going to get any awards, but GiGB goes to depths of inept filmmaking seldom reached. The acting is so bland that the main characters become so unlikeable, you begin to hope for a giant gila monster to go on a rampage, starting with the questionably fey Critter. Then there's Buzz, a sort of bad guy who's too dense to make any sense, and his speech often inexplicably turns to a very bad cross between Scarface and Casey Casum (sp?). There are many other various background characters, just as bad as the above, but actually typing about all of them is masochism. T.V. Mikels pretty much carves out his own space in sleazy filmmaker-land, with Paul Verhoeven and Joe Esterhaus. A very bad movie, but with MST3K, a great watch, if you can handle a lot of dancing.
The Skydivers (1963)
Coffee? I like coffee.
Very easily one of the most bungling and unskilled attempts at film making in history. Sound synch is solved by showing other people listening as one person speaks, or just doesn't synch at all. The plot is a real head-scratcher, leaving one wondering who this was supposed to be about, what was the point, who was the beatnik with a chicken under his arm? Everyone appears to be reading directly from cue cards, voices droning on and on, no emphasis or vocal-inflection for these people posing as actors. Skydiving scenes are just stock footage intercut with close-ups of the actors hanging in a soundstage. Coleman Francis has a knack for throwing something new at you, but in a good way. To think that he actually wasted paper on this is dumbfounding in itself. However, the entire film is so badly done, it's quite funny. Any version is funny and worth the watch just to see such a bad movie can actually be made, but I suggest the MST3K version, as it is absolutely priceless.
The Count of Monte Cristo (2002)
Nothing short of bile...
I anticipating seeing this film due to my enjoyment of Dumas' book, and I had high hopes. Needless to say, I was let down. How this got such a high voting average is upsetting, but rather obvious how it happened; people are confusing a great story (Dumas' book) with great storytelling, which this film totally missed. I'll completely honest, I did not see the last half-hour of this film because I was disgusted by everyone and everything involved with the film and I had no desire to see the badly shot/acted/edited/ect. ending. One would think, incorrectly, that with such great material, making a bad film is almost impossible. Well, it was done; another great novel torn to shreds by Hollywood numbskulls.
Beastie Boys: Sabotage (1994)
Jonze proves his talent...
With a single music video, I became a fan of Spike Jonze. I am a totally huge fan of classic rock (The Beatles, Led Zeppelin, Pink Floyd, ect.) and when this video came out, I was instantly hooked. I have seen this style so many times in old 70's tv shows that when I saw it in this video, in this context, I knew Spike Jonze was brilliant. If you want proof, who heard this song before the video came out and instantly thought, "Starsky and Hutch"? A great performance by all those involved.
Space Mutiny (1988)
Entertaining, but for all the wrong reasons...
With it's appearance on Mystery Science Theatre 3000, Space Mutiny is pretty much accepted as being so horrible, it's hilarious. So many utterly ignorant moments slammed together, such awkward and vile acting, lame sfx, ect. All of this movie is a goof that slipped by. Everyone's distrust of other's ability to "Move!", Reb Brown's screeches trying to pass as a war cry, a mutiny that is so mundane it is better described as petty whining, and a finale that centers on a chase between two miniature zamboni's. No doubt made on a miniscule budget (noted that it was made South Africa), but there is no way the makers of this film could have believed they were creating dramatic cinema. Thumbs down all around!
New Jack City (1991)
Almost an important film
Many of the elements were there to have made a poignant film, but too often it just trailed off into quarter-dimensional characters and over-the-top action and violence. The epidemic of crack-cocaine in the early 90's was terrible, and the film shows this quite well in a few scenes, such as the courtyard or the "enterprise", yet instead of focusing on these "real" characters, we are forced to see Wesley Snipes give a predictable maniac/bad guy performance. Judd Nelson and Ice-T play the quintessential cliche of loose cannon cops who have made this a personal vendetta. Mario Van Peebles (who also directed the film) shows up occasionally as the superior officer who is giving Nelson and -T their last chance at cracking the case. Once again, textbook cliches all around. The only character who evoked any kind of feeling was Chris Rock's Pookie, who was the only realistic character (if only slightly) in the film, though his two-minute "breaking the habit" scene was a bit too easy, and gives the impression that quitting is just a matter of being sweaty and attending a few group therapy sessions. So many things that could have made a very powerful film about a society of desperation, but too often strays into everyday, campy action-flick territory. Still, it's worth a watch, even if it only undermines the truth.
Monster a Go-Go (1965)
I understand the go-go part...
...but not much else goes together in this film. Very bad acting, you can often catch actors reading from cue cards. It's not really even directed, like the camera was just set up where it would fit, the actors would read their lines, "Cut and print." The story is an amazingly bad Twilight Zone episode dragged on to unbearable lengths, and the surprise ending is by far one of the worst plot-twists ever. The monster itself is a tall guy with bad acne, who just sort of meanders around throughout the duration of the movie. All in all, very hard to watch, even with Joel & the 'bots. Watch for the man doing his own sound effects! "Brrrrrrr!"
Mitchell (1975)
Pointless.
Joe Don Baker is Mitchell. Mitchell is a cop that drinks beer, and antagonizes suspects. Though it is implied numerous times throughout the movie, nothing ever really seems to happen. There is a car chase sans the fast driving, fast pacing, near misses and impressive wrecks, or even facial expressions. Mitchell gets beat up several times, so that's kind of interesting. A prostitute arrives at Mitchell's home and what proceeds is easily one of the most disgusting scenes in film history. "Baby oil! Noooooooooooo!!!!!" as it was put in MST3K, and I completely agree. Eraserhead was easier to watch than that! Mitchell busts her for smoking grass, though the fact that he just slept with her is just fine. John Saxon appears once in a while, then completely disappears from the film all together. There are phone calls in which the names "Gallano" and "Mistretta" are used many times. There are a lot of scenes of useless dialog, but this never shapes up to much. It all comes to a climax with a helicopter/boat chase that appears to be stock footage fo 3M infomercials.
Bad direction, writing, acting, lighting, camera work, production design, costumes, sets, absolutely everything is bad. On the other hand, the MST3K version is very funny.
Hannibal (2001)
Not a film for Thomas Harris readers.
At the first sign of a film being made from the new novel, it was pretty much accepted that it probably wouldn't be as good as Silence of the Lambs, and the ending would almost definatly be changed. Both were right, sadly. I absolutely loved the book, and I thought the ending was perfect, and totally disagreed with people who thought it was too much of a stretch. It is Harris' book, he controls the characters, if you don't like it don't read it. But, somewhere along the lines Steve Zallian was brought in to take the scissors to it. So many important plot points, sub-plots, and characters were simply removed or made shallow and one-dimensional. Granted, there is no way for the 500 plus page novel to be perfectly adapted to film, but so many things were changed for seemingly no reason. Unfortunately, I do not want to point out specifics for fear of spoiling the film for first-time viewers. For the first time (before Red Dragon came out) I was unsure of Hopkins' Hannibal Lecter. It seemed just a little too over-the-top, being more lunatic than cold, calculating sociopath in some scenes. Keep in mind, these are all in comparison with the book. Now, on the other hand, if you haven't read the books, this is a rather good thriller. Julianne Moore gives a pretty good performance considering she had to live up to Jody Foster's legendary performance in Silence. Ridley Scott does a great job keeping the tension high, and presenting Florence beautifully. All cast and crew do a great job, and this is somewhat shadowed by reviews like my own above, but if you don't read and like thrillers, watch and enjoy!
The Final Sacrifice (1990)
Oh, Canada!
This film, along with a shoe museum and toaster museum, have raised a very interesting question for me: Could my body handle the amount of pot I would have to smoke to go to Canada? The film centers on a Gremlin-faced kid and the Grand Poobah of hockey hair, Zap Rowsdower (ugh!). Poobah Hockey Hair was member of a cult and killed the Gremlin-Faced kids father.
SEVEN YEARS LATER...
Nobody ages and the film goes on. There are some really cheesy chase scenes, horrible music, nausea-inducing acting, a story that is either too confusing or too boring to follow (I can't remember, I fell asleep!), and so on and so forth. Bad, bad, bad. But, on the brighter side, a very funny MST3K.
American Playhouse: Overdrawn at the Memory Bank (1983)
Why was Raul Julia in this?
Is it possible he didn't read the script, it was just described to him really well? Or could it be he actually thought it was a winner?! Either way, this movie is a stink-fest. Shot on video (I hate the Blair Witch Project, okay?!), and Julia is the only recognizable name, it seems destined for the toilet with it's lovely "cheap 80's video" technology. Given, surely their budget was miniscule, but some talent or creativity would have helped. Even Julia's performance (that word doesn't seem right) was awful.
I'll save the rest, just suffice to say ALL HAIL MST3K FOR MAKING THIS WATCHABLE (if only barely, that's how bad it was).
Easy Rider (1969)
A True Piece Of American Culture...
...if you remember that in 1969, this was real life for many people. I have heard a lot of critism towards this film that I find a bit harsh. Sure, it's not the greatest film ever made, but it captures a brief moment in history almost perfectly, and that's more than most films can say. I have watched this film with people who weren't alive in the sixties and people who were, and it is very obvious that those who weren't alive for it, don't understand it, and it's VERY difficult to describe and explain everything without very important things being "lost in the translation" as it were. It can be perceived as a look back in time to a place that was beautiful and unique, or a bunch of burn-outs getting high, singing folk songs, and riding around with no particular destination and in no hurry. Either one is right. Basically, if you were not alive during the sixties but want to understand this film better, read some unbiased and thorough history books and Hunter S. Thompson novels, then try watching this again.
The Transporter (2002)
Oh, the pain...
I want to know one thing, did anyone really see anything? While trying so hard to be fast and flashy to keep stupid people glued to their seats, the shoddy direction and mile-a-minute editing manage to disguise anything remotely interesting. The only reason I saw this is because I joined a group of friends to see a movie, not knowing it would be this one. I heckled the entire movie, and actually had my friends and many other people in the audience laugh pretty hard. Does that tell you anything about how bad this is? I was making fun of what these people just paid eight bucks to see and they were being more entertained by my smart-ass comments.
I'll spare the details of the film, is case any stupid people read this(don't want to spoil the movie for you, dumbass), but suffice to say this is a waste of film, time, and money. If you have even a quarter of a brain cell left, avoid this film.
Time Chasers (1994)
I feel dumber for watching this.
It's awful to think that somewhere, someone actually wrote this and thought they had a winner on their hands. This entire film is pointless and unbelievably stupid. This takes the term "amateurish" to a level it was never meant to reach, this is pure drivel. Now, the film being as bad as it is, it makes the MST3K version that much better. Watch for yourself, if you dare...
Mystery Science Theater 3000 (1988)
Such a great show...
There are so many things that make MST3K one of the best TV shows ever, the idea alone is so original it deserves more credit than it really got. I mean, c'mon, a guy and two robots stuck on a satelite making fun of the worst movies ever made,(if you think "Plan 9 From Outer Space" is the worst movie ever made, you are *sorely* mistaken) that's worth it's weight in gold.
Sad to hear as of Feb. 2003, no more re-runs...
My advice is to relish these last few episodes, turn down the lights where applicable, and be a smart a**.
Time Chasers (1994)
I feel dumber for watching this.
It's awful to think that somewhere, someone actually wrote this and thought they had a winner on their hands. This entire film is pointless and unbelievably stupid. This takes the term "amateurish" to a level it was never meant to reach, this is pure drivel. Now, the film being as bad as it is, it makes the MST3K version that much better. Watch for yourself, if you dare...
The Touch of Satan (1971)
Ugh...no more...
It never seems to amaze me how bad films can actually be, but this is an insult to intelligence. How does "From The Man Who Brought You Billy Jack" sound? Lighting is either brown, or supernova. Acting...pause...is...pause...awful!!! The story is the biggest joke yet. Whoever got this script and thought, "Hey, this is a winner!" should be burned at the stake like that crazy sister/grandma thing. Luckily, we always have Mike & the bots to help make light of the situation.
Squirm (1976)
Nobody's that southern.
When it comes to bad movies, Squirm has got to be one of the worst. Come on, it a movie about killer WORMS, and millipedes and vermicelli are used instead of actual worms. The "hero" is a bigger dweeb than Bill Gates in a leotard. The character of Roger is...indescribably bad, and unsightly as hell, I might add. Of course, the mutant in platform shoes was a particulary disturbing touch, mostly because it was supposed to be a convincing character. ALL acting was so bad it was like porn, without the porn. Only watchable with Mike & the Bots. "Do worms routinely blind people?"
Being John Malkovich (1999)
One of the most original and thought provoking films in a long time.
When I first saw Being John Malkovich, all I could think was "this isn't really just a comedy". It's seems too easy to label this film as just a comedy; it covers so many different areas and shows more emotions than a large majority of more highly regarded films. Don't be mislead, this is a VERY funny film, but it's also quite dramatic, full of fascinating complexity and beautiful imagery. From Craig's dialog's through his puppet's, the visions and feelings experianced through Malkovich, the (in the very literal sense) low-ceiling workplace, the absolutely priceless chase through Malkovich's subconscious, it all comes together with a very sad, strange, and appropriate ending to create a work of art. A must see to truly understand, even if fully understanding may never have been intended.
Rose Red (2002)
Oh, the horrors...
It seems Stephen King has yet again made an attempt at a film, and it was utterly destroyed by all those involved. I sat through this entire film, hoping things would improve, but I was let down. The only, ONLY thing that makes this movie even slightly watchable is King's story. The direction is absolutely awful, never showing one ounce of inspiration or creativity. It almost looks as if Craig Baxley was intentionally being dull and annoying to the point of insulting my intelligence. With such a story and the house itself, there was so much room for being an incredible movie, but no.
The acting, oh! While watching this, one of my friend's was heard to remark, "Except for Keeslar, I've seen better acting in porn." Okay, okay, I said that, but it should give you an idea of what we're dealing with here. The casting was terrible; I think all you needed to get a part in this movie was...a face, and it didn't even have to be a pleasant one. Matt Ross was particularly bad, and rather unsightly (not to mention Laura Kenny; WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?!). At times the dialog can be kind of corny, but made-for-tv means skipping on quality, now doesn't it? The sfx were of car insurance commercial quality (i.e. NOT GOOD) and costume design, or the "dead people/ghosts", were sophomoric. I hate slamming any work of Stephen King, I have every book he's written, but if you haven't seen this, please, save yourself, run while you can. As I said above, Stephen King's story is the only part of this movie worthwhile, the rest pure garbage, plain and simple. Watch The Shining (Kubrick's, not that mini-series rubbish) and forget this movie was ever made.
The Stand (1994)
Stay away, Mick Garris sucks.
Direction sucked, casting sucked, *most* acting sucked, lighting sucked, soundtrack sucked, King's novel butchered to a made-for-tv pile of dung, set design sucked, (loosely termed) special effects sucked, and, of course, that damn scooter Nadine rides SUCKED!!! Clear enough for everyone?