DoktorRobster Reviews

Borderlands (2009 Video Game)

Boringlands

[4/10 · 21 November 2010]

Did get a different copy of this game to me? Is there some kind of hidden option on the menu that makes the game better? Is enjoyment factor now a DLC add on? it must be because borderlands is appalling. It is, without a moment's hesitation, the worst FPS I have ever played. The only nice thing I can think to say about this game is that the character models are nice to look at. There's a very interesting style to it that makes it look like an early 2000's independent graphic novel, unfortunately that only serves to highlight the mediocrity of the game.

There were of course obligatory tongue bath reviews when it first came out, more than one mainstream critic saying that it was; "a game for real gamers" or some other propaganda. One of the major things this game has done wrong is tack a single player mode on as an afterthought. There's a whole load of reasons why it's a bad idea to make a game only fun when there are other people to distract you from how mediocre it is.

1) The Numpty Factor

It's bad enough when you get stuck with some numpty with the social grace of a pile of dried monkey poo for the duration of a quick PvP or a capture the flag. Now imagine hearing that waste of DNA screech and whine and berate for up to 2 hours. And don't e-mail me saying 'why don't you just turn your head set off' what's the fugging point in playing multiplayer if you don't interact? By the way if you have never come across a really annoying, thick, rude or obnoxious player it's probably you

2) It eliminates pick up and play.

Instead it becomes pick up, find a server, wait for players, get lagged, rage quit. Your totally reliant on things that you cannot control, like for example if the servers become virtual ghost towns inhabited only by the die-hard freaks who call themselves 'l33t'

3) LAAAAAG

It happens, a lot.

The plot, such as it is set on Pandora a once mineral rich planet that has fallen on hard times. Instead of taking the idea of a treasure hunt across a whole planet and making stages feel different, the designers decided to set it all in a filthy desert. The planet has been left by its corporate sponsors and is now only inhabited by a handful Mad Max rejects a Roman Bellic wanna be and around a billion of the same five enemy's (and multi colour beasties.) The only thing this dirt ball has going for it is the legend of something called the vault.

The vault is left deliberately ambiguous at the start of the game so you're not even sure if it exists... for about five minutes until a Guardian Angel appears and tells you it's real. The game is a relentless grind and the big twist at the end? The vault dose exists, but there's a monster in it. You kill the monster and don't get to go inside the vault. That's right the whole thing was a waste of time and who knew that opening a massive box on a planet called Pandora could be a bad thing? Among the games many problems are that it feels like a mmorpg that has just recently suffered a dose of the plague. The place feels dead. What few NPCs there are, are just literally cardboard cut-outs. It's not really helped by the level design considering that Pandora is meant to be a whole planet and that all we know is that the vault is Somewhere on it you'd think that the level designers would have a field day? Well no, it's the same boring dull desert scene again and again. The only USP this game has then is the ridiculously large amount of weapons, seven million to be exact. The difference between the different guns is tiny and hardly noticeable. Seriously do we really need a difference of 1 in the rate of fire? Most of the differences where just for show anyway (the scopes on sniper rifles, the sound of it being fired) nothing that made me feel like I was sitting on a planet that in spite of appearances must be made of guns and old shell casings.

The intro really got my hopes up with quirky hand drawn sketches of the protagonists growing up together and playing at being treasure hunters. For a fleeting moment it looks like there might be some focus on character and maybe some sense that you are, you know playing a role in what is meant to be a role-playing game. Alas not even a irritating little robot could save this one, he acts a bit like your PA constantly reminding of quests that you couldn't be bothered to do at the time and now are so trivial it would be a waste of your time.

With next to no interaction with anyone who doesn't want to repurpose your spine as an umbrella and the same grindiy boring ass quests/enemies/level art again and again this game takes what should have been, for all the sources they borrowed from, a good game. And ruins it

The gun play is functional, but since that's all this game has to offer, id say avoid it like the plague. Some prick in a marketing team have seen how well Word of Warcrak is going and have tried to copy the formula (grinding, more items than is necessary) and failed utterly. There are literally hundreds of games that are better than this drab, bellow average FPS. 4 / 10 And one of those is for Lilith's ass

Bayonetta (2009 Video Game)

Diva May Cry

[4/10 · 25 May 2010]

If there's something that is missing form the lexicon of the good folks at Sega its probably the word subtlety. They where asked to produce a vaguely annoying azure tinted spiky git and they delivered. They where asked to realise a iconic 2d fighter game with graphics like a motion capture flick book and we got mortal combat, then the gaming industry grew up a little and they know full well that if they need to keep gamers hooked what they really need to do is produce a game with a capable, realistic female role model.

Unfortunately they got the design brief on opposite day and we have ended up with Bayonnetta a game so camp that you expect to see a park ranger walk across the screen and so brimming with try hard sexuality that all that it needs to make a whole generation of anime-video gamer geeks sterilise them self's from self inflicted masturbation wounds is a citreous shaped controller.

You assume the role of the titular Bayonnetta, who looks like a cross between Sarah Palin and a pole dancer with stilts for legs, she's a witch with a capital B. The plot is as impenetrable as a vestal virgin but if I can read a brief history of time I'll give it a go here:- Bayonnetta woke up with a very convenient form of narrative amnesia, only knowing that she was a witch and clad in a leather cat suit (made of her own hair...) started to kick the livening crap out of angles that look a little like the covenant would if they where dressed by the pope using Liberachi's bling. The irritating pound shop Joe Pesci character who sends you off to pick up some magical McGuffin (the eyes of the world), we're later introduced to Jeanne who's meant to come across as an enemy but since she was in a pre game scene as your alliy and also helps you fight the angels she seems to port in it comes across as kind of lame, in fact all the major NPCs in the game have a identity crisis there's this guy with girly hair and a doctor who scarf who ether wants to kill her or give her a ride on he's broom stick....and yes I did jut make a pun that bad. There's also a little girl who is somehow both a younger version of herself and her own daughter... okay, you know when I said that I understood the plot? That was a lie.

The game is utterly bonkers from the insane plot to the freak you the hell out looking enemy's to bosses that are the size of meteors. One place that the game dose do well is the realistic and visceral combat... you know I can't even finish that sentence she has guns on her feet and jumps around the screen like a hyperactive dominatrix on the amphetamines' only diet raining down death and destruction on anything white and gold, 'though fair play to diva-may-cry, sorry Bayonnetta, at least someone has made a game without feeling the need to have it viewed through a used coffee filter (yes I'm looking at you grand theft auto 4). Some attention has been Paid to the difficulty curve, the same level as say running head first into a brick wall....at full speed. No sooner do you get into your stride then you run into some golden cocked beast that opens a celestial can of whop-ass on you.

There are some nice touches here and there, during loading screens the game allows you to practise your myriad of combos, that's great but when your own your own its one thing, when your surrounded by the good lords finest it quickly descends into pointless and repetitive button mashing, the whole thing is interspersed by quick time events.

There's 2 schools of thought on QTE's one is that they are a worthwhile and graphically pleasing addition to games that hark back to the days when you needed quick reflexes as well as strategy and if well executed can make you feel like your in your own personal movie, the other is that there the very sperm of stamen that has gestated in the minds of lazy games designers who want to knock out as many title and produce decent looking "in game graphics" for online trailers.

Three guesses witch school I am part of? Although there not all press x to die, some are press B to make the other guy die (painfully and nastily) and of course some press Y not to die.

While we're on the standard features list there's a thing called witch time that operate like bullet time, a feature only marginally less common in action games now than a fuc*ing box. The interface is nice to look at but in-between the QTE's and the insane button mashing you sometimes end up squinting at a tiny little black leather clad matchstick taking on a god.

there are also some vehicle segments, one rather nice one where you jump from car to car speeding along the highway, a couple on a motorbike and one on a missile… yes a missile.

Bayonnetta is pretty standard and yes, it flows nicely but lets be honest here it doesn't bring anything new to the party, it in the world of video games is just one of the many party goers, not with the band, not one of the star guests, but also not one of the sad drunks pukeing into the plant pots.

Iron Man (2008 Video Game)

More like Tin man

[2/10 · 24 May 2010]

Okay, hands up here I'm a geek., I'm a massive geek, in fact if you have a moment I am a king sized geek drizzled in hoi-sin sauce and served in pancakes with onion and cucumber (I was hungry when I wrote this review) and as a geek I love comic books… as a comic book fan I fall fair and square into the marvel camp.

Iron man is one of my all time childhood favourites and the Robert Downy Jnr movie reawakened my love for the character. So the game…. I want to say that it's an opened ended dream of a game, one that makes you feel like you are tony Stark himself sticking it to the ten rings; I want to say that the game captured the films energy…. But I can't

The graphics are nice, and I like the suit model, the designers have been kind to us older geeks and included unlockable suits (hulk buster anyone?) but the game just has no Pizazz, the open plan levels work against you because as fun as flying around the place catching missiles and throwing them around the place like a cricket ball is… it's just not enough The difficulty is erratic, by turns going from being diabolically hard to walk in the park easy, the levels are pretty much the same thing again…. And again…. And again… there are a few nice touches like for example being able to customise the suite with upgrades and yes Downy Jnr does do the voice acting for tony stark, but some of the lines sound literally phoned in.

There's a fair few supervillian dustups in the game Backlash, The Controller, Titanium Man, Melter and of course iron monger all make a appearance but try as it might this is just another also ran movie tie in.

It doesn't even have the decency to be outright dreadful, instead it's just the video game equivalent of porridge, lacklustre sound, voice acting, graphics and a cut and paste movie tie in plot. Avoid this one unless it's being given out free, even if… especially if… you're a fan of Ironman

Yes Man (2008)

Above average feel good light entrainment build around a interesting idea

[6/10 · 22 May 2009]

The yes man

Based on an autobiographical book written by Danny Wallace, a British author, producer, and journalist who spent a year answering "yes" to any given question or proposal and recording the results, The idea of this film is, at is hart, quite inspirational.

Meet Carl Allen (Jim Carry), a depressed loaner who for some time has shunned he's friends due to being emotional scared after becoming divorced from he's (it must be said rather hot) wife.

Carls life is a dull and loveless existence, he works as a loan officer, has been turned down for many opportunity's. In short this is a man who's life is ruled by the word no, saying no to he's friends, saying no to bank clients wanting a loan, and being said no to. Enter stage right Carls old buddy, Nick (John Michael Higgins) persuades him to attend a self empowerment seminar hosted by the large than life and seemingly mystical Terrance Bradley (Terrance stamp) where he is indoctrinated into the pseudo-cult like following. Terrance bradly makes a 'covenant' with carry whereby he must say yes to everything…EVERYTHING that comes he's way.

On leaving the seminar a homeless man asks him for a lift, Carry's friend answers for him (yes, obviously) and thus starts the snowball effect of the film. Carry plays he's part well and via a sires of events meets Allison (Zooeny Deschanel) who like him says yes to life. She plays in a niche rock band, leads a jogging photography group, and generally leads life to the full like a manic pixie girl. Her attitude Is " The world's a playground. You know that when you are a kid, but somewhere along the way everyone forgets it."

Things are going grate for Carl, and via a sires of random duce ex mechanica he finds himself quite popular (he gave a depressed Korean lady relationship advice and made her length in her own language due to saying yes to a length class, and talked a man of a ledge with a feel good scene involving a impromptu guitar solo, also due to spontainosly taking gitar classes) but then in the third act it all come crashing down. Due to a heavy handed misunderstanding he's waylaid by the FBI while trying to get a plane to the first random destination available, when its explained that he HAS to say yes to everything Allison takes umbrage at this and flounces of like a schoolgirl,sorry i mean, leaves him.

The rest of the movie is him coming to terms with the truth behind saying yes to everything and learning the lesion that its not always saying yes to everything, but WANTING to that makes a true change in he's life. Having reached this epiphany he finds general zod, sorry Terrance bundley, causes a car crash, asks him to be realised from 'the covenant' as every time he says no to something bad things follow. Terrance assures him that there was no covenant in the first place and that the point was to open him up to the idea and he should say yes because you have to believe that it's what you really want". With this fresh in he's mind he rides up like a bat out of hell to find Allison and cue the happy ending as they work out there relationship issues in record time.

Its not a bad film, not by any means. In fact its quote enjoyable. There's some plot hole and things that might bug more picky (or depending depending on your point of view) viewers, but id say its worth a watch

The good: A funny film, a far few good scenes, mildly thought

provoking. The bad: Some fridge logic, a little muddled. The ugly: Tillys shelf scene… dude, really no. The geeky: General Zod as a motivational speaker.

Best watched with: your partner, and maybe grown up kids.

The Descent (2005)

Chicks with Picks

[10/10 · 20 August 2008]

A group of cavers/adventurers reunite after the tragic death of one of there numbers husband and daughter. The groups unofficial leader, Juno picks a route for them but fails to tell anyone that it is a uncharted system.

Things take a sinister turn when after accidents, broken bones and all manor of mishaps the group encounter a species of blind, albino, flesh eating monsters (that admittedly do resemble a hardcore version of Gollum) There are a few good scares and the effects are really quite good. Story line and plot tick along nicely and the cast do a sterling job making you connect with there characters.

It's hardly silence of the lambs but it is a good by-the-numbers picked of one by one horror/monster show.

What I liked about this film, well there's a lot, but the main points are the cast are not all 'teenagers' (or 25-30 year old starlets bototoxed up the ying-yang) .

In short it's the way Brit horror films should be… lets hope they don't louse up the sequel

The Cottage (2008)

The Rottage

[1/10 · 14 August 2008]

Director Paul Andrew Williams brings us he's newest offering after the gritty 'London to Brighton' its a low budget (according to the listings here its a Comedy, crime, horror.... so no mixed messages there then.

Andrew Skies, (strombreaker, flushed away, lord of the rings & king Kong) and Reece Shearsmith (league of gentleman) star as two hapless brothers in this well I guess you could call it a film. Peter, (shearsmith) is the whimpish, moth phobic brother of David (Skikes) a plastic gangster with a dream of running away from it all on a boat.

the pair kidnap the step daughter of strip club owning bad ass (and very much not-plastic gangster) Annie. the problem is that Tracy (played by Jennifer Ellison; The Liverpool nativity) turns out to be a foul mouthed, head butting scours B*th from hell. add to the mix that her treacherous step brother is involved, and that Arnie has sent in the goons in the form of two Asian assassins with a stereotypical fetish for knives, and you have the makings of a awesome Brit crime caper like Lock Stock'...right?

Wrong.

Oh well, that's okay, because did I mention that there's a scared maniac farmer who delights in decapitating strangers... ah, see now we have the makings of a grate twist mid way horror, like dog soldiers right?.....

No.

The film is, poor to say the best. the cast do there best with the material that they have but they don't manage to make there characters stand out. The effects are gory, and seem to be from the Freddy Kruger school of showman ship. and one very telling thing about the script... there's only one good line, and that was more down to Skies delivery than anything else.

oh and if you haven't lost the will to live stick around after the credits for a ending after the ending.

there's one good joke though but that was in the last 30 seconds of the film.