gdahl4 Reviews

Mind of Mencia (2005–2008)

I survived an entire episode of Mind of Mencia...

[1/10 · 20 March 2007]

...so where's my friggin trophy? I seriously expected a banner and confetti to drop from my ceiling for watching a full 30 minutes of that crap. Comedy Central is truly dropping the ball lately, trying to fill the void left by Chappelle with multiple seasons of a retarded man impersonating retarded men. Dah duh nah!! If you pay attention to the show, you'll notice that when Mencia isn't stuttering over punchlines and laughing at his own skits, he only makes exaggerated observations which seem to lack any sense of humor. You ever notice how people in Buick's drive really slow? It's like Dah duh nah! Not even the midgets and half naked hot chicks manage to distract from Mencia's distinct lack of talent. Furthermore, Mencia isn't even a "wetback" as he constantly and adamantly proclaims he is, which makes him a fraud on top of it all.

If anything good could be said about Mencia, it's his effort. The man clearly has no talent, but like a wounded antelope in the mouth of a hungry alligator, god knows he's trying.

Saw III (2006)

Disgusting Garbage

[2/10 · 16 March 2007]

After seeing Saw 3 I had to seriously ask myself one question: why do I continue to see these absolutely horrible movies? Everything about this movie is garbage; the torture is too much to take, the characters are as thin as tracing paper and the plot runs like water. IF this movie had anything remotely substantial as a storyline it might be more tolerable, but piling such horrid acting upon a plot thinner than skim milk makes the torture scenes worth as much as a torn dollar bill. This movie does nothing more than ruin the mood while churning the fluid in your stomach...someone needs to tell the producers to either hire better actors or somehow attempt to write a credible story. Every SAW movie ends the same exact way, in a ridiculous twist which, of course, leads to a sequel. If anyone keeps their wits about them, SAW 4 will be received in the same manner of the producers latest film: in DEAD SILENCE.

300 (2006)

Absolutely Mesmerizing

[8/10 · 16 March 2007]

If nothing else, this film is visually stunning. Any frame of this film could be individually captured, enlarged and hung in an art gallery. Luckily the film, for its own sake, has much more to offer. '300' is an absolute success, one of the few films I have seen recently worth every cent of the ticket price. The film offers a solid plot executed with near flawless cinematography, expert narration and the sort of action that could make Jean Claude Van Damme blush with shame.

Very few films could successfully weave such a condensed amount of action into a wholly compelling storyline and still remain consistent and fresh, and even fewer films can maintain so many violent and gory images while still maintaining such an empathetic and human element. Almost any person should be able to enjoy this movie for one reason or another, be it the already acclaimed cinematography, the compelling storyline, the incredible acting, or just the visual enticement of brightly colored moving pictures flashing upon the screen. '300' is a smashing success.

If you only see one movie this year, you probably don't get out of the house much. If you want to see an incredible movie, go see '300'. This movie will not disappoint.

Jeepers Creepers (2001)

My Personal Bottom 100

[1/10 · 22 February 2007]

It has been years since I saw this movie, but I was recently coaxed into watching a bootlegged copy of the sequel with a couple of friends and I felt it was my civic duty to report back on this thing.

Jeepers Creepers sucks so much they could put a bag underneath it and sell it as a Hoover. I should have known this movie was going to suck when the opening credits rolled on for what felt like a good 10 minutes...that car just keeps driving and driving and driving....and for some reason whenever these two kids feel like investigating a dark lurid place they turn the car off, and sure enough every time bat-boy comes flying out TA-DA! The car won't start. Every Single Time.

In all honesty I only have myself to blame, I mean despite the fact that this movie is titled "Jeepers Creepers," which should be adequate warning for a crappy movie to begin with, I still went. The acting is horrid, the directing is horrid, the script is horrid, the soundtrack is horrid, basically the only thing not horrid was the bat-boy super killer thing; it looked like a pile of dead leaves in a trench coat.

If you truly have an unquenchable desire to see a movie which contains the words "jeepers" and "creepers" in the title, skip this and jump straight to the sequel. It has mildly attractive women in it.

Open Water (2003)

Wake me up when something happens.

[2/10 · 21 February 2007]

Lots of movies are boring and mindless these days, but as far as plot less boring movies go Open Water takes the cake.. and the ice cream and piñata too. The plot summary is easy enough: rich white couple takes vacation, marriage is on rocks, go diving, get left behind and wait to die. With a little work this premise might actually be suspenseful, if perhaps the character-driven storyline was driven by characters with the capacity to be cared about. In all honesty I've seen cardboard cut-outs of bad actors with more personality than this film. Seriously, Gilligan's Island was more distressing and suspenseful. Here's a summary of my experience watching this movie:

10 minutes: Couple is annoying, boredom sets in.

20 minutes: Boredom overwhelms, lectures on bio-organic chemistry

suddenly appear enthralling.

30 minutes: I wish they would just save these jerks and end the movie.

40 minutes: I hope the sharks win.

50 minutes: Go Sharks Go! Go Sharks Go!

One Hour: FF>> FF>> FF>>

78 minutes: They're dead!! :) :) :) I wonder whats on USA Network....

Idiocracy (2006)

It's not Office Space but it beats the hell out of Norbit

[7/10 · 20 February 2007]

Nearly 2 decades ago Mike Judge struck gold with Beavis and Butthead on MTV. About a decade ago he struck again with the now cult-status Office Space. Now he provides us with the sleeper-hit Idiocracy. Done mostly in CGI and green screen, the films concepts and story lines are both fresh and original, which perhaps motivated the straight-to-DVD release. If Hollywood has learned anything it's that anything fresh, new, or original is scary (SEE: Norbit and Epic Movie's combined successes). Arguably as well, however, the movie is no immediate cult hit or must own gem.

The film is funny as hell, and is in many ways reminiscent of a George A. Romero zombie flick. A lot of the films gags and jokes are visual like AIRPLANE!and play off the same nostalgic humor as Futurama (pay close attention to the billboards and signs in the background). The performances are hilarious as well, and in many ways save the movie at its weaker moments.

Overall, this movie is more than worth renting and watching once. Its worth that much at least.

Saboteur (1942)

Who sabotaged this lackluster nap-fest?

[1/10 · 12 February 2007]

Rarely will anyone deny that Hitchcock remains one of the most creative, inventive and prolific directors of all time, because he is arguably all of these things. It takes true genius to scare generations of film goers out of taking showers and wearing neck ties. Saboteur, however, is not creative or prolific at all. Rather, Hitchcock set out with the soul intention of creating a film to muster "American Pride," a certain call-to-arms, support-our-troops title which was a popular theme of the time. With that in mind, Hitchcock severely underplayed other important aspects of the film, including but not limited to a logical plot, characterization, believable dialog, and a fluent, running storyline.

Typically Hitchcock does great with espionage films, only a few years earlier achieving cinematic greatness with The Foreign Corespondant and The 39 Steps, but seemingly lost his stride in creating Saboteur and merely recycled the same once-thrilling story lines both his previous excursions readily provided. Without going into any great depth here is a list of a few of this films major problems:

1. Despite having his face plastered on every newspaper across America, the only person who recognizes Kane is blind.

2. At the dinner party, Kane and Patricia don't want to run for the door because the bad guys might grab them and tell the party they were "gate crashers." Logically, what prevents the spies from grabbing them and saying this at any point during the evening? Besides, does anyone need to be reminded Kane is a wanted terrorist?

3. Since when can a fan belt cut through handcuffs?

4. Nobody recognizes him...his face is on EVERY NEWSPAPER!!!

5. The spies catch up with Kane in the ghost town and assume he's the man Freeman sent to work with them...shouldn't't he have some sort of credentials? I know spies don't run around with name tags and photo IDs but a secret handshake maybe?

6. Cop picks up Kane escaping from Freeman's house, still seems no one recognizes this guy.

7. How exactly does the FBI come to believe Kane with no evidence? They don't even show Kane talking to the FBI, the scene simply fades in and we are forced to assume everything is now kosher.

8. When the cops search the Carnival Caravan how do they know Kane is now with a woman? The blind man believed Kane's story thus logically would not have reported his daughter missing, kidnapped, or even more importantly running with Kane. Why does this movie not employ logic?

This is a running list. The movie is not exciting, the plot makes no sense, and the world is full of people who willingly take wanted terrorists into their homes and cars everyday because its no big thing. Hitchcock fails miserably on this one.

Norbit (2007)

Tagline runs true... have you ever made a really big mistake?

[1/10 · 9 February 2007]

Walking into the movie one must admit they aren't expecting the same comedic genius as a Mel Brook's film, but perhaps that was the main draw of "Norbit" in the first place. Personally, I walked in expecting a ridiculously vile and obscenely immature show of comedy. I walked away seeing a lackluster prequel to Dr. Dolittle and The Nutty Proffesor combined. It would be honestly hard to say anything in this film is worth seeing, aside from the few momentary chuckles provided by Eddie Griffin and Katt Williams as stereotypical pimps (a consistently typecast role both have fallen into).

As it can be best surmised, Eddy Murphy has inadvertently passed the torch, from his hysterically funny prime in stand up comedy (see: Eddy Murphy - RAW) and the Beverly Hills Cops franchise, to the mainstream Hollywood "everything is predictable" yawn-fest which is NORBIT. The script is nothing more than the recycled remains of every romantic comedy stir fried with an inexcusable amount of fat jokes and simmered over an unbelievably whipped pathetic excuse for a main character by the utterly incomprehensible name of Norbit.

Simply stated, if you are over the age of 10, you will not enjoy a single second of this movie. If you want to see a funny fat movie with Eddy Murphy rent The Nutty Professor and save yourself two laugh less hours of gaggingly pathetic fat jokes and continuity errors. It seems Norbit is one big joke, oddly enough however, no one is laughing.

Smokin' Aces (2006)

What Snakes On A Plane Wishes It Was

[10/10 · 28 January 2007]

When Samuel L. Jackson set out to make "Snakes on a Plane" he repeatedly expressed he wanted to make the kind of movie he would pay to see. "Smokin' Aces" is that movie. The pace is fast, the acting is always credible and solid, and the blood comes wholesale by the gallon. Yes there are minor flaws throughout the movie (mostly continuity, some plot holes) but the beauty of this film is that the audience is so wound up in wanting to see how all the players will catastrophically collide with each other that these mistakes can be easily overlooked.

"Smokin' Aces" is the ultimate guys film; it's the cracked-out offspring of methodically ultra-violent titles like Pulp Fiction, Fight Club, Training Day and the like. Anyone who is sick of the cancerous spread of Hollywood's fat free cookie cutter PG-13 action and horror titles (The Transporter, The Ring...) should willingly devour every calorie filled bite of this obnoxiously violent bullet fest. The storyline is original but never tries too hard to be hip or smart, despite having more A-List actors than Paris Hilton's Blackberry no single character steals the show and, best of all, every single character is as likely to catch a bullet as 50 Cent's entourage.

With any hope for the future of violence in Hollywood this movie will overcome the negative reviews of art house critics who only condone violence in the historical sense (like The Passion of the Christ and Saving Private Ryan). If viewers remain absent at the box office like they were for Snakes, then we might as well all be content to tuck it between our legs and rent The Notebook, because the bullets, blood and masochism which used to come synonymous with the action genre might as well have a million-dollar bounty on its head as well; it'll be as good as dead.